GLIMPSES: A compilation of uncensored real life experiences with Mental Illness - 1
GLIMPSES
By Artist Paul D Robertson –
A compilation of uncensored real life
experiences with Mental Illness
Foreword
This series of works about mental illnesses are an illuminating insight into the life of those with a mental illness. The personal experiences depicted within are an excellent example of the reasons why we should publish them. Stories of hallucinations, standing on top of cars wondering what it is all about, are the deep seated feelings that have to be expressed publicly by those with a mental illness because if they are not people don’t know what it is like.
Mental illness is no different from any other illness. It has symptoms and it can be treated and managed. The difference is the mind is altered, changed to not think within the normal paradigms that exist in our society. Strange behaviour it treated as strange rather than as an illness. Many people in our society suffer or are affected by mental illness. More than people realise. Unless people tell their story, the truth of the suffering and experiences will never be known. We cannot let the story be told by those who haven’t had the experience. We cannot let it be left to those in the media or government. They have to come from the people who know like the ones who have told their stories here.
Assoc. Prof. Neil Cole
Alfred Psychiatry Research Centre
Bipolar Survivor
Playwright
PageIndex
5Introduction
6Georgia Van Cuylenberg’s StoryAnorexia Nervosa Consumer
11Nicci Wall’s StoryBipolar Consumer
25Michael Francis’ StoryBipolar Consumer
30For the Love Of RobDepression (Suicide) Carer
33Janelle Reeve’s StoryBipolar Consumer
39Ian Reeve’s StoryBipolar Carer
42Claire’s StoryBipolar (Suicide) Carer
45Andrew’s StoryBipolar Consumer
68Sandy Jeff’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
77Paul Robertson’s StoryBipolar Consumer
86Janet Duffus’ StoryAnorexiaNervosa Consumer
90Nathan Bell’s StoryBipolar Consumer
96Black Swan’s StoryPTSD & Bipolar Consumer
103Michael Nanai’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
109David Guthrie’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
111Evan Bichara’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
114Ingrid Hindell‘s StoryDepression Consumer
121Craig Hamilton’s StoryBipolar & Depression Consumer
123Yvette Geljon’s StoryBorderline Personality Consumer
125Sylvia Zuzowska’s StoryBipolar Consumer
126Lizzie’s StorySchizoeffective/Bipolar Consumer
131Darren Dorey’s StoryDepression Consumer
136William Tyler’s StoryConsumer
139Barbara Doogue’s StoryDepression & PTSD Consumer
142Richard McLeanSchizophrenia Consumer
147Russell Mile’s StoryDepression Consumer
150Ela Simon’s StoryBipolar Carer
160Natasha Simon’s StoryBipolar Consumer
164Kiri Dicken’s StoryAnxiety Consumer
168Anonymous StoryBipolar Consumer
170Paul’s ECT DiaryBipolar Consumer
177Vicki’s StoryDepression Consumer
178Samantha J’s StoryBipolar Consumer
188Greg Battin’s StoryBipolar Consumer
191BlueSkyLadyBipolar Consumer
196Bevan Sallaway’s StoryBipolar Consumer
199AnonDepression Consumer
201Jan Hackney’s StoryAnxiety Consumer
203Ben’s StoryAnorexia Nervosa Consumer
207Courtney’s StoryObsessive Compulsive Consumer
212Christopher Pescud’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
216DH’s StoryDepression Consumer
221AnonAnorexia Nervosa Carer
227Jean Winter’s StoryBipolar Carer
232Julie D’s StoryAnxiety & PTSD Consumer
238Kelly Dunn’s StoryPsychosis Consumer
256Raija’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
260AnonAnorexia Nervosa Carer
268Carmen’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
278Geoff Allen’s StorySchizophrenia Consumer
284RJPW’s StoryConsumer
291Joanna’s StoryBPD Consumer
297Kate Blackmore’s StorySchizoaffective Bipolar Consumer
302Bob Perry StorySchizophrenia Consumer
305Kristy Mounsey’s StoryBipolar Consumer
PageIndex
311Caro’s StoryBorderline Personality Consumer
314Yvonne’s StoryBipolar Consumer
318Andrew’s StoryBipolar Consumer
322David Buchanan’s StoryDepression Consumer
325Mike Griffith’s Story
333Useful ContactsYouth Consumers & Carers
334Useful ContactsConsumers
339Useful ContactsCarers
Introduction
Since I was diagnosed as having Bipolar Affective Disorder in November 2001 I have had the good fortune to meet and work with a multitude of people who have a mental illness. These people are far from the stereotypical mentally ill portrayed by the media and sensationalised in film. These people work, own businesses, run companies, are highly trained and/or qualified, exceptional artists, volunteers; they raise families, socialise and all the other things so called ‘normal’ people do. For that is what we are, ‘normal’ people, with a treatable, but not curable illness; similar to other illnesses caused by a chemical imbalance such as Diabetes, Hypertension and Hyper/Hypo-Thyroidism.
It was through my desire to reduce the fear and sense of isolation associated with diagnosis for sufferers and their loved ones, as well as increasing awareness and reducing stigma surrounding mental illness, that the goal of producing an uncensored and accurate glimpse into the lives of those with a mental illness was put into action.
All who have contributed to this book did so in hope that their story will help others with a mental illness, their families and friends, by benefiting from the ‘real life experiences’, encouraging better communication and acceptance of mental illness within their immediate circle; most of all recognising that they are not alone in this endless struggle.
Some contributions were written in the midst of an ‘episode’ where the writers perception is askew and their ability to articulate their thoughts are diminished, disjointed and inconsistent; therefore their stories may seem hard to understand or follow due to the irregular thought patterns. Where this occurs, I ask that you do not try to understand at the time of reading but take on board that what is being shared, accurately reflects what the person is experiencing at that point in time.
There are far more people with a diagnosed mental illness than is acknowledged in society and I would not be exaggerating if I said every third person I speak with has a relative or friend with a mental illness. With many of us choosing to ‘come out’, society will learn of the many positive contributions we make to society and this will inturn reduce the stigma surrounding mental illnesses.
There are some wonderful books available to increase understanding of the manifestations of these illnesses. These are of particular importance to families and friends of those with a mental illness. Knowing the danger signs as they begin to appear can be the difference between a full-blown episode and a little bump on the charts. But more importantly, they assist our ability to recognise the signs leading up to a suicide attempt.
If you know where to look, support networks are available to assist or refer you to other appropriate organisations/groups and many have recommended reading lists. For your benefit the larger organisations are listed at the back of the book, so that you do not encounter the circular attempts to find assistance as I, and many others have encountered when first diagnosed.
If you would like to tell your story to help increase awarenesssend it toc/o 43 Browallia Dr Rose Park 3214, or , the more people we can touch with our stories, the better.
I wish you well on your path to insight, education and recovery.
Nicci Wall
Georgia’s Story
I was diagnosed - if you could call it that - as having an eating disorder in 1996 when I was 14 years old and in year 9. This meant I had to get weighed every week and my parents got me to see a psychiatrist immediately. I dreaded both these visits every week - I felt like I was up for judgment and assessment and that - in hindsight - was very damaging on my mental state and perception of myself. In the following years this diagnosis progressed to anorexia nervosa. I never ever learnt to like the medical visits but my sessions with my psychiatrist became a safe haven as I looked to him for an answer and the help, which I now know he would never be able to give me. Today I would consider my diagnosis to be that I suffer from disordered eating but no longer possess the anorexic demons that can manifest into seriously harmful behaviour. I learnt to identify every part of me that was associated to my mental illness, every activity that was encased in those horrible feelings of ' this is not the true me' I wrote them down and one by one I removed them from myself. My eating habits no longer affect how I live my days, they do not rule my decisions about where to go, who to see, what to wear etc, although on days when I am not my strongest they do attempt to have a say in these choices. I now make sure everyday is full of 'things' so that my eating is just a minute factor and I am looking forward to the day when I won't even have to worry about my reflection and what thoughts it may stir in me if I see the 'wrong' thing.
I now work as an actor, children's entertainer, theatre producer, playwright, freelance Public Relations consultant and journalist. And these are just a few of the 'things' I referred to above. I also do promotions, voice over work, volunteer with the Melbourne Community Friends program and baby-sit. I love life and if I could fit 10 more professions into my schedule and 20 more hours into everyday I would. In April 2005 - after my play titled readMylips... , aimed at stopping the silence surrounding eating disorders and mental illness, is performed I will leave to Los Angeles to join an acting studio for as long as it takes till I realise my goal of becoming a well know film and TV actor.
The first signs of an eating disorder and the first signs of a propensity to suffer from such and illness are two very different factors. As with all sufferers I was born with a heightened risk of possessing an eating disorder. Having now looked back through my childhood I can identify so many moments when I displayed that personality that will turn to self-harming behaviours if one feels sad or insecure. It has been said to my parents that when they hugged my brothers once when we were infants they needed to hug me three times for me to feel the same love. To me this is a perfect summation of how I felt as a child. Even as a very young child I did not trust that people - including direct family - loved me or that they would always be there. I hasten to add that they gave me no reason to doubt their love but I would still be shocked and racked with guilt when my Mum would stay up half the night if I was sick and I would still think I was causing my parents to split up if they rose their voices because of me (they are still happily married!) These were all warning signs of a dangerously sensitive soul who could - if her environment encouraged it - suffer from any of many self-harming mental illnesses.
As for the first signs of the eating disorder - they came when I became consumed by the size of my body. I was receiving all the wrong messages from the kids around me at school. I was a fit strong girl and my skinny girlfriends got the boys so I decided to make myself look like them. I cut back on food straight away - my first day I planned to eat only a slice of cantaloupe but survived eating not even that. Those around me started noticing the problem when they (mainly my Mother) would find yoghurts hidden in odd places in my room, bread squeezed into other rubbish in the trash and other food just never being taken out of the fridge.
After a health day at school I left a fact sheet titled 'Warning signs of Eating Disorders' on my Mum's bed - how's that for a cry for help? So she responded immediately after reading a number of my behaviours on this list. She confronted me and then booked me straight into see the GP who then connected us with the psychiatrist. Technically they had it all right and I began to be 'treated' abnormally early in my illness. But I now realise that the method of treatment was more harmful than helpful.
Unfortunately there is a huge lack of understanding amongst everyone – including medical professionals about these illnesses and how they should be treated. My journey however was quite an uneventful one really. In comparison to some of the stories I’ve heard - such as girls being turned away from hospitals because they weren’t thin enough - my treatment was very good. I do not blame my GP or my psychiatrist for the anger or disappointment I felt with their treatment. They didn’t understand me and they were missing crucial knowledge on certain elements of my illness, but they were trying their best to help.
Without doubt the two worst weeks of my life were the two weeks I spent in the AustinHospital with a nasal-gastric tube stuck up my nose. I will never forget the horrid fear that came over me in the hours before I was admitted. I hung on to the door pane and my Mum had to actually pry my fingers from it. The hospital staff did try their best to scare you because their rationale was that this was not meant to be a pleasant experience; you were not meant to want to come back. Well they achieved that!! Their big line was “we are here to resuscitate your body not your mind” – lovely hey? For two weeks I listened to the dripping of the feed and felt myself growing. I was allowed off my bed twice a day; first to have a shower – which was watched by a nurse and then to go to the toilet before bed. My visiting hours were restricted and I have never ever felt more pathetic and miserable. It made me realize why sufferers regularly pull the tube out of their noses and try to escape. I was determined to retain some dignity – and I didn’t want anyone to dislike me of course – so all I did was sit-ups and push-ups the minute I was left alone.
I guess those two weeks served one purpose – they made me so vehemently determined never ever to return. I came within .1 of a kilo a week later but once was more than enough for me, thank you! I know that there are other hospitals that take a more holistic, caring approach these days – I just wish they had been around for me, because I am certain my recovery would have been much happier and faster had I been in one of them.
During the serious stages in my illness I was on a number of different anti-depressants. I really resented people telling me I had depression – I had anorexia, but I was a happy person. I understand that the medication served its purpose at the time – stopping me from going too far. But when I was considerably recovered I wanted to be free of the medication because I was certain my natural personality was not that of a depressed person. I can’t imagine me on any sort of anti-depressant now – I am one of the cheeriest happy people I know and I only have one drug in my life – natural endorphins, I’m a serious addict.
I have had to learn what helps me to cope with all of the remaining bits of this illness. I am now completely in-tune to all the little warning signs. There are so many different levels of coping though. When I am getting stressed or worried I run more and more – then I have to be careful. When I am feeling myself growing and I start regimenting everything again I have to do some serious talking to myself. If everything is getting too much for me I have to write lists, make piles and organize. And when I feel lost or sad I have to pick up the phone and call a friend. A very important part of this is just listening to myself and trusting that I know me better than anyone. When I give myself this trust and responsibility I gift myself with the ability to know really where I am ‘at’ at any moment.
This may sound like a sweeping statement – but I guess it is. The general public do not understand eating disorders. I was so certain of this that it lead me to write my play, which is now the focus of a campaign to stop the silence and the misunderstanding. Since placing myself in the public and talking about my experience I have received proof everyday that people just don’t understand. The wonderful difference right now is people do want to understand.
When I was really sick it was as if that was all Georgia Van Cuylenburg could be – an eating disorder. I couldn’t ever have a headache – it was because I wasn’t eating. I could have sh*tty day – it was cause I had depression – because I wasn’t eating, I couldn’t ever just be working really hard for something – it was because I wasn’t eating. And the most damaging was I didn’t have a great group of friends and I couldn’t find a real connection with most people at school – and that was, of course, because I didn’t eat!
Everyone forgets that you are just another human being. And just like my brother had glandular fever (as did I) when he was in high school – I had Anorexia. But people didn’t dismiss him, they didn’t walk on eggshells around him, never wanting to ‘tip him over the edge’, they openly sympathized with him and supported him. From the minute people found out that I was sick I felt the difference in the way they treated me. They were always asking my family how I was, but they were too afraid to talk to me at all. I think most people are just to scared of this unknown thing. I believe that it needs to not be this secretive unknown if there is going to be real change. How are sufferers meant to recover without honest and real discussion? Both sufferers and the people around them need to know that it is Ok to have this illness. It is just an illness- an alien has not inhabited the sufferers’ body! It is so important that everyone realises that they didn’t choose to have it – just like you don’t choose to have Glandular fever. And if the sufferer really feels that those around them love them for who they are with or without this illness – then they will find the strength to live without it