The Art of the Heart
Authors - Lois and Mouse
Spring 2005
Justin’s phone was ringing. ‘Where the hell is it?’ He looked in his jacket pockets as well as his pants pockets. He quickly released one arm from his backpack and swung it down to the bench. ‘I’m coming, I’m coming.’ He looked at the readout-‘Why would Brian be calling me?’
“Hey.”
“Hey back. Can you come by the loft later on?”
“Is there a problem? Did I leave something behind?”
“No, but something came today; an envelope from the School of Visual Arts in New York City. Do you know anything about it?” Justin could tell by the tone of Brian’s voice that the man had his suspicions. This was not the way Justin had hoped to explain his decision.
Justin pinched his nose with his left index finger and thumb. ‘Shit, how could I have forgotten?’ “Brian, I have to work until 7:00; I can drop by after. I’ll explain then.”
“OK, later.”
“Later.” Brian’s voice sounded cool and disinterested. However, Justin knew from experience that Brian was anything but cool or disinterested in that envelope or what it meant. Throwing his backpack over his shoulder once more, Justin pressed on. He had to get to the diner. Waiting for the bus to arrive, Justin found himself once more considering his decision. It had taken a lot of soul searching and thought to make it. He’d felt it was the right thing to do until a moment ago when Brian had called. How could Justin leave him? How could he possibly walk away now, just when Brian seemed ready to give them a chance?
Justin stepped up into the bus, finding a seat alone in the back. He leaned his forehead against the cool glass. He wanted things to work with Brian, but no matter what, he always felt at a disadvantage. For the last few years every time he fucked up, Brian had stepped in to save him. Even when he was with Ethan, Brian had still managed to help him stay in school and provided extra income here and there to make ends meet. He also made it clear that their relationship, or lack of, had nothing to do with Justin’s place in the family.
Justin thought of the rest of their friends. How many times in the past had they given Brian shit about Justin’s age? How many times had they dismissed their relationship as something transient because of the difference in their ages or the difference in the stages that the two men were at in their lives. While Justin could never change the difference in their ages, he could make the stages more equal. And that is what he hoped he was doing.
‘I love him’ Justin whispered, closing his eyes, ‘but they’re right. It won’t last, not as long as it remains this unbalanced.’ Justin knew that Brian considered him a partner of sorts, but at the same time, wanted to protect him.
Justin realized the next stop was his. He stood and headed for the front of the bus, grateful that he hadn’t had the time to really consider the part of his decision that worried him the most. What if Brian didn’t feel like waiting for Justin to have the experience he needed in order to feel equal in their relationship? What if in trying to save their life together, Justin was really ending it once and for all.
As Justin worked at the diner, he kept thinking of what he was going to say to Brian, how he could tell him what he needed right now. That his leaving wasn’t meant to be an ending but just a postponement of what he hoped they would one day have. He had to make him understand that it had nothing to do with Brian but had everything to do with himself.
At 7:30 Justin knocked on Brian’s door. He found it unlocked and found Brian sitting on the couch. As he moved closer, he realized that the man was holding the envelope that had arrived earlier in his hand. Neither man felt the need to speak, both apparently waiting for the other to initiate the conversation.
Justin sat on the end of the couch and reached out his hand for the envelope. Brian looked at the envelope then at Justin as he handed it over. Justin sighed as he realized that the envelope was a bit thicker than just one sheet of paper. This wasn’t quite as bad as when the letter came from PIFA and he just couldn’t get the courage up to open it himself. This wasn’t the only school he had applied to, but it was the one he hoped he could attend.
Brian kept his eyes on Justin as he opened the letter and he watched him scan the front page quickly. He noticed when Justin’s eyes got brighter and a smile began to form on his face. Justin looked up at Brian. He could see that the man had already deduced that he had been accepted, but felt the need to say it aloud; perhaps to convince himself of that fact.
“I’ve been accepted for the fall term.”
“I know you don’t live here anymore but I thought we were partners. When did you make this decision? And why couldn’t you tell me?” Justin cleared his throat as he considered how he was going to make his case. Surely someone as independent as Brian would understand what it felt like to be dependent on others and the need to stand on his own two feet.
“Brian, I wanted so much to do this on my own, without help from anyone. I mean it was just writing an essay, sending in my SAT scores, and coming up with a portfolio; all things I could do myself.”
“I’m not talking about getting accepted. I’m talking about the decision to apply. I am assuming that the School for Visual Arts in New York City is actually in New York City.”
Justin ran his fingers through his hair tugging on the ends as he sensed the irritation in the older man’s voice.
“That’s a hell of a commute Sunshine.” Brian added. “Unless perhaps there’s more to this change of venue than merely applying to a new school.”
Justin got up from the couch as began to pace the length of the living room. “Brian, I need for you to listen to me and to not say anything until I’m done. Can you do that? It’s going to be hard enough to make you understand anyway. It will only make it harder if you interrupt.”
Brian was trying to feign a blank expression but was failing miserably. He’d been struggling all day with what the letter meant. He’d sensed since Justin had returned from California that he’d been searching for direction. Brian had never considered that the direction would be east and carry Justin out of his life. Brian looked up at Justin who was standing before him and pointed to the couch. Justin sat on the chair so he could face Brian while he talked.
“I have been thinking about going back to school since we had that bet last year. I figured you’d win and I began thinking about WHERE I wanted to go. I really didn’t want to go back to PIFA, but I did. It was the only logical choice for me. I mean, I was already accepted there and it felt comfortable, easy. A few weeks in though, I knew it wasn’t going to work. Too much had happened. I resented how I had been treated by the administration. Those feelings were distracting and affecting my work. It was then that I began looking at schools nearby; and realized that there were no really good schools close to Pittsburgh that would give me the education that I wanted.”
Justin stopped and looked at Brian. He gave him a small smile. “The more I thought about moving away, the more I realized I was looking forward to that.” Brian stiffened slightly, his gaze leaving Justin’s, knowing his feelings would be easily read by the blond. How could Justin look forward to leaving him? Those months while Justin had been in California had seemed the longest of Brian’s life. Had Justin enjoyed the time away? Justin felt Brian pulling away and rushed to clarify what it was that he had meant by the comment. “But that feeling also brought me up short. Why did I want to move away? All my family and friends are here.” Justin lowered his voice to just a whisper, “The man I love is here.”
Brian looked back toward the younger man, once more seeing the honesty and affection so bravely displayed for anyone to see. Brian felt a surge of envy as he once more felt humbled by Justin’s courage to show his feelings. This time it was Justin though that looked away
“I have to go out and do this all by myself.” Justin heard the man sigh and steeled himself for Brian’s reaction. Luckily, Brian was still honoring his promise to remain silent until Justin had a chance to finish. “Brian, look at my life since we met. There was you, there was Debbie, there was you, there was Ethan, there was you, there was always you. Are you seeing the pattern here? Can you see my concern?” Brian refused to answer, keeping his silence until the end
Justin was shaking his head as he smiled slightly and looked at Brian once more. “I have to know that I can do it on my own. If I stayed here, I’d never know what I am really capable of because you’d always be there to pick up the pieces. I have to grow up Brian and I just don’t think I can do that here. I have seen what you have gone through since we met, and see how people like Michael and Lindsay want to keep you where you were before you met me. I see how you’ve ignored them and changed your life so that there would be room for me, for us, in it. I know that it took a lot of courage to do that. It’s hard to change and it’s hard to let go of who you thought you wanted to be. Before I can really be with you, like I want to, I have to be who I want to be. I have to stand on my own two feet and make my way in this world. I have to know that I can make it on my own or else I will never feel like your partner, not really. Do you understand what I’m saying? I have to pick myself up and dust myself off when life is shitty. I have to know that I can fail and I’ll never know that as long as you are here picking up all the pieces for me. I need to have the same kind of growth you’ve had. And that means being somewhere that you can’t pick up the pieces if I fail.”
“What if I promise I won’t?”
Justin went over to Brian, laid a hand on his cheek and caressed his lips. Smiling, he said, “Then I know that you wouldn’t, but I watch how you protect Michael and I know it would be very frustrating for you to watch me screw up and not jump in and fix it.”
“I didn’t intercede with that posse debacle.” Brian offered, enjoying Justin’s soft laughter in response.
“Brian, I know that you care for me, maybe even love me, and because of that I know you’d find a way to do whatever you could to stand in the way of me failing.”
As Brian got up from his seat, he took Justin in his arms, holding him silently as he waited until he could trust his voice. Somehow he’d known this was coming. All day he’d tried to prepare himself for Justin’s admission that he was leaving. Brian knew the blond’s talk of a future was sincere, but at the same time Brian had lived enough to know that the chances of their ever finding their way back to one another was slim to none. He wanted to tell Justin that. He wanted the younger man to understand that by walking away, he was more than likely closing the door once and for all on the chance for them to be together.
Justin said against his chest, “I want to be your equal and there is no way I can achieve that staying here in your shadow. Though it is a lovely shadow and I will certainly miss it.”
Brian knew the moment had passed for expressing any of his hesitation or doubt about Justin’s plan. No, it was time to just accept it and insure that when Justin remembered Brian, he would remember him well
“Do you have anywhere you need to be tonight?” Brian asked looking into Justin’s eyes.
“Tonight, I am all yours.” Justin said and smiled as they wandered over to the bed. Brian ignored the qualifier, having already accepted that after tonight, things would never be the same between them.
They undressed each other slowly. They touched bare skin with every piece of cloth that slipped off. Justin wasn’t sure if he had ever touched Brian the way he was at this moment. He wanted to remember every inch of Brian’s skin, every crevice, every bit he could absorb that he could take with him for the time they would be apart. Justin was not the only one with those same thoughts. Brian closed his eyes, not wanting Justin to see the brightness that heralded tears. He was thinking ‘will this be the last time I will ever feel the way I do right now-complete and happy.’
Justin woke the next morning to hazel eyes looking into his. “Good morning stud, how long have you been awake?”
“Not long,” Brian replied. ‘Only long enough to memorize as much about you as I could,’ he was thinking.
Justin reached over and ran his fingers through Brian’s hair. “Make love to me Brian. I want to have something to remember while I am away.”
“It’s not like you’re packing up and leaving today Sunshine. We have time.” Brian offered though understanding the man’s sense of urgency that they make the most of the time they had left.
“I know.” Justin admitted. “But…” How could he voice his own need to memorize everything, to feel it once again before he had to let it go. There could never be enough time with Brian, so he had to use what he had left wisely. Brian seemed to understand.
Brian ran his hand down Justin’s face as he leaned in to kiss him gently. “It will be my pleasure.”
They made love slowly, bringing each other to the brink over and over in order to prolong their parting as long as they could. Neither man took his eyes off the other, even as they reached their climax together.
“I have to get up and get to work. I need to save as much money as I can until I know exactly how much scholarship money I can get and what kind of job I can find.” Justin told Brian.
“I’ll be glad to…”
“Brian,” Justin warned, “This is exactly what I am talking about. I HAVE to do this on my own. I appreciate everything you have done for me in the past, but please understand this is WHY I have to leave and do this alone.”
Brian looked into Justin’s eyes, seeing the resolve there. He dipped his head in acceptance.