Shoes Narratives: General Feedback
Good (Green) – Full speed ahead
- A lot of really great usage of descriptive words
- Varied language
- Creative plot twists and conflict develop
- Excellent use of class time in lab
- Established Tone
Needs Attention (yellow) – Slow down and stop or proceed with caution
- Beware the “I” bomb
- Far too much focus on plot rather than character development
- Remember the original purpose of the assignment – understanding the perspectives/emotions of someone else (stepping in their shoes)
- Have the rubric in front of you while writing and editing
- Unnecessary details distract from your character development
- Strange and unrealistic plot lines
- Too many conflicts – focus on one and then how your character reacts
- Need to create a hero or anti-hero (this is actually harder to relate to)
- Spelling/Grammar (dialogue editing, agreement, tense issues, wrong word, etc.)
- Narrative Leads – make sure they connect to your story
- Wordiness and sentence length – can you say it with fewer words?
- Start with the end in mind…
Green Examples: These examples really helped me to understand the perspective of your character…Bravo! Full speed ahead in this direction!!!
“When I got home I could not go through the front door because I did not know what say to my wife and kid. I gathered up my courage…”
“A couple things most people don’t know about me is that I drink when I am depressed, and I am in the hall of fame at my high school for wrestling…”
“I’m back home now and even though I know I don’t have to write in this journal anymore, I feel as though I’m attached to it…”
“We were the “it” team. We were more than just a basketball team, we were family. Together through middle school, we had each other’s back.”
“Are you alright honey?” she asked. “Yes mom I’m fine,” I say sarcastically, thinking to myself about how she always babies me.”
“As I walk through the streets trying to find out where the person who wrote the note is I begin observing how sad this place is. The factories polluting the skies and vandalism polluting the ground.”
“Get out of here, you pathetic excuse for a human being!” shouted the young woman who worked at the library. Her cruel words sent shudders throughout my body. Those were the same words I last heard from my mother eight years ago. Eight years since my mother has spoken to me. Eight years without a home. Eight years without Grandma. Eight years without anyone who cares. I began to reflect on how life was different eight years ago. No stealing. No lying. No worries. No guilt. Nothing like now.
Yellow Examples: Slow down, re-think and proceed with caution
As I am walking over from my dog house to the trash can I stumble upon a note reading “I have your shoe, it is in a faraway place called Valoran. If you want to find your shoe come meet me there.”
As I was driving home that day I was thinking about how I should raise the money. However, I could not come up with any ideas. Then, as I was driving by the park, I saw a sign for a foot race that would be held there in two weeks. The grand prize was three million dollars and I knew this was my only chance to save the company…When I came back out I saw them screaming in the car trying to open the door and in the backseat was a mini bomb. I could not do anything and the bomb exploded. I ran inside and dialed 911, when I got back out there was a note on the wall is said for me to drop out of the race and let Eisenhower industries take over the company.
“Are you alright honey?” she asked. “Yes mom I’m fine,” I say sarcastically, thinking to myself about how she always babies me.”
I met the compotation and saw the tack.
This morning I got a journal in a care package from my wife Leslie I’ve never really done anything like this before so here it goes. Hi my name is James Michael Boell I am 34 years old and I am a Commissioned officer in the U.S. Army. What commissioned means is I lead the soldiers into battle while the Warranted officers tell me what to do from HQ.
One day can be the day that you become the best in the world, and today that was my day. It was December 30th, 1994, it was my tenth birthday and my mom got me a basketball hoop, a ball and a pair of Air Jordan shoes. At that moment I knew that I was going to love to play basketball.