Scoop Nickels, Private Dick:
Solver of Mysteries, Whodunits
& Finder of Things Not Found
"THREE WAVY LINES"
by
Ben Osto
Act 1
SCENE 1 - ALLEY WAY
[A gypsy-looking woman is walking down the alley. A car comes careening towards her and hits her. A strong young man runs up to her and tries to help. In the background, a shadowy figure is slowly walking towards them.)
DYING WOMAN
"Sled."
[She dies in the young man's trembling arms. The shadowy figure comes into the light behind them. It is Scoop Nickels looking around and glancing down a slip of paper in his hand.]
SCOOP
Sorry to bother you two, but I'm supposed to meet someone here to investigate the murder of a Miss Lily. Says here she was… (Reads off note) run down by a car.
SCOOP'S NARRATION
The nervous young man looked at me like I was the Virgin Mary. Looking back at it now, I guess it was a spooky scene, me showing up while you could still hear the sound of her bucket being kicked.
YOUNG MAN
This is Miss Lily! How could you know this was going to happen?
SCOOP'S NARRATION
I realized that the killer was playing a game with me. The villain hires me to find him even before he commits the crime. Pays in advance by mail, anonymously. Devious, yet considerate.
SCENE 2 - HIPPIE SHOP
SCOOP'S NARRATION
Lily's last words – or word – was "sled." Kinda like Rosebud in that movie that fat guy made. What was it called…Citizen Kane, but Lily cut to the chase. I began the investigation focusing on Lily's background to try to figure out what she was talking about. Her friend Sophie was chanting into a Buddhist box all eerie behind a beaded door when I entered. She sounded like McHale trying to explain himself to Captain Binghamton, all "hummbita hummbita." I know it's all nonsense, but I make a sign of the cross to keep the bogeyman at bay.
SCOOP
Everything okay, missy?
SOPHIE
You startled me.
SCOOP
I get that a lot, I'm the startling type. Always have been; just ask the doctor who delivered me. I've come to collect some facts on Miss Lily.
SOPHIE
Well, she was psychic, that's a fact.
SCOOP
You don't say? She picked your card every time? How did she acquire her superpowers… she get bitten by a radioactive Kreskin?
SOPHIE
I get the feeling you're a skeptic.
SCOOP
No, no, I believe everything. I'm a sucker, tell me anything. What do yah got? Bigfoot, Loch Ness elfs, lay it on me.
SOPHIE
The way she told it...
SCENE 3 - FLASHBACK FIELD AT NIGHT
SCOOP'S NARRATION
She was doing yoga in a field one night trying to reach a higher plane. Above other people, that is. Suddenly, she spotted a glowing light coming toward her. She was abducted by Grays. They prefer to snatch unsuspecting hippies. That way when they return them to earth, everyone will think they just got ahold of some killer ganja.
The E.T.s did a thorough medical examination of her. But first they made her wait for a couple of hours in the waiting room, with strange looking creatures and only an old copy of Highlights magazine to read. They took out her brain, removed the bad ends, tenderized it, covered it in a special sauce and refrigerated it for an hour. Then they baked it in a 300 degree preheated oven before returning their captive’s skull.
SCENE 3 - HIPPIE SHOP
SOPHIE
She awoke with psychic powers and a total make over.
SCOOP
Am I supposed to swallow that? You should marinate it for at least three more hours. Lily's last word was "sled". Do you have any idea she was referring to?
SOPHIE
That's the name of the heavy metal band she used to be really into. She was a big fan… groupie, whatever. She totally dug them. Said they would make it big someday.
SCENE 4 - STAGE
[A heavy metal band is making crunching noises with guitars and prancing around stage in fog and lights.]
SCOOP'S NARRATION
Once when I was young I tried to move an ashtray with my mind, and it moved all right; my brother Lenny hit me over the head with it. Then there was the time I was thinking about my mother and she called. Well, I thought it was her, it was actually the police chief. The really eerie part is that he sounds so much like my mother, especially when he's angry. Is there such thing as E.S.P., or is it just another example of mankind looking for ways to distinguish themselves from merely being hairless apes who know how to program the VCR.
[The lead singer of band catches his breath and then introduces the next song.]
SINGER
That song was about child abuse in the dwindling rain forest. This one is about a friend of ours who just passed away.
[The band plays a slow rock ballad.]
SINGER
Lily, Lily, psychic Lily, you were one with the Universe, now you're riding in a hearse…
SCOOP
Oh criminy! My ears, my poor, poor, ears. I owe both of them front row center to the The Magic Flute.
SCENE 5 - BACKSTAGE AFTER THE SHOW
[Scoop sits amongst little groupie girls talking to the lead singer.]
SINGER
Lily was like one of our first groupies man. She was great to have around, always saying we'd make it big… didn't happen, but it was nice to hear. Yeah, yeah she dated our first drummer; she quit hanging around when, you know, we lost him.
SCOOP
Sorry to hear that, Stash. How did it happen?
SINGER
He choked on his own puke.
SCOOP
Terrible.
SINGER
Then he just wandered away, haven't seen him since.
SCOOP
Where were you when Lily was hit?
SINGER
Like we were playing in Connecticut, a charity gig for the summer homeless man.
SCOOP
that’s nice. You know of any other Sled she have may be referring too?
SINGER
Just Rosebud from that movie the fat guy made. Citizen Kane. What was that guy’s name?
SCOOP|
I’ll look in too it.
It’s bothering me as well.
SINGER
Lily thought she had E.S.P. and all that bunk. I told her to get tested once and for all. I think she got did.
SCENE 6 - A SCIENCE LAB
SCOOP NARRATION
I went to see Dr. Raymond Rando, a scientist and debunker. A smarty pants with degree wallpaper. Hoochy Mama, Now that lady just made something levitate from across the room.
SCOOP
So Honey, you have that E.S.P.N?
Beautiful WOMEN
I'm being tested. I have dreams that come true. Are you clairvoyant?
SCOOP
No…no… I'm Scoop Nickels. I have to say you're a dream come true. I've been waiting to meet someone like you my whole life. But I bet you knew that already. You had a psyhic-ikling that you meet me someday.
Beautiful WOMEN
I have my pepper spray.
SCOOP
Dr Rando! Thanks for meeting me. What in Heaven's hamper is a debunker?
RAY
I disprove and expose psychic charlatans of all kinds. You may want to be tested, Scoop. You may have heard of my million-dollar reward for anyone who can scientifically prove that they have E.S.P. I tested Lily. Poor girl, she really believed she could see the future. I felt bad for her. She wasn't doing it for money, ripping people off.
SCOOP
Well, no need to test me, Ray, I'm clean. Do you have any idea what the word "sled" would mean to Lily? That was what she said just before she crossed over.
RAY
There is SLED, The Southwest Labyrinth Enthusiasts Delegation. But what would she care about them?
SCENE 7 - A HALLWAY
SCOOP
Where is this place?
[Scoop walks through a confusing series of doors and hallways.]
SCOOP (CONT'D)
What the H-E-double hockey sticks is a labyrinth enthusiast?
[The camera moves up to show Scoop walking around in a big maze.]
SCOOP
Geez Louise, this place is a total maze!
SCENE 8 - STAIRWAY
[Scoop is helping carry a couch with the young man who found Lily.]
SCOOP NARRATION
I pay a visit to the eyewitness, the nervous guy Ken, at his place of employment. He’s a professional mover, and was still shaking like a paint mixer; a condition, I deduced, which was not a good combo with the boxes marked “FRAGILE”. He was a mover and shaker.
KEN
I heard her loud and clear, Scoop, she said the word "sled". The whole phrase sounded something like, "watch out for sled"… or maybe, "white chowder sled"?
SCOOP
Sounds like Sled is either a person or a side dish. I'm deducing it's someone's name. You know any unfortunates named Sled?
KEN
Come to think of it, there's a Sled Malloy who works as a bouncer at a coffee shop she used to hang out at.
SCENE 9 - EXT. COFFEE HOUSE
[A big man tosses a skinny intellectual-looking guy out of the coffee house in front of Scoop.]
SLED
[with lisp) Sli don't want to find your skinny slass slin here slagain misusing the term "slexistentialism"!
SCOOP
Sled?
SLED
[aggressively] Slut did slou call me?
SCOOP
Sled? No?
SLED
The name's Sled, E-D, Sled! Got it?
SCOOP
Very sorry Ed, I musta heard wrong somewhere.
SCENE 10 - INT. COFFEE HOUSE
[Sled sips tea with his pinky extended in a booth with Scoop.]
SLED
Yeah, yeah Miss Lily came in here slall the time. Never had sloo much trouble with sler. I had to give her a slern warning once for saying slomething slightly positive about Bush… and I had to throw her slout once for slaying Robert Mapplethorpe's photos were slicky.
SCOOP
Slick?
SLED
Slicky!
SCOOP
Oh, icky.
SLED
Yes, do you have a slearing problem Mr Nickels?
SCOOP
Yeah, I've been meaning to get a Brazilian de-wax job for my ears one of these days. So, where were you when Lily was hit?
SLED
At the spla.
SCOOP
The what?
SLED
The spla!
SCOOP
Come again?
SLED
The spla! Getting an slapricot butter peel.
SCOOP
I seeeee, I seeeeee... What?
SLED
[grabbing Scoop's shirtfront] Spla! Spla! SPLA!
SCOOP
Relax, it just sank in, the spa. You're one big delicate petunia, Ed. Listen: I was for the war in Iraq, the war on drugs and the war on whateveryagot. I think colorization is just Jake But I support gun control, see, I supporting right now.
[Scoop pulls out his gun.]
SCOOP (CONT'D)
So take your manicured sausages off my Van Heusen, I'll toss myself to the sidewalk you liberal stormtrooper.
SCENE 11 – SCOOP'S APT.
[Scoop is sitting in a Lazy Boy listening to the Magic Flute. The phone rings.]
SCOOP
Hi momma! How are you? Gout still giving you trouble? …Oh, sorry Chief.
SCOOP'S NARRATION
The chief informed me that my eyewitness, Ken the shaky mover, had been killed. But suspiciously it wasn't a murder; he was killed accidentally while moving Steven Spielberg to a larger mansion. Spielberg had bought a movie prop at auction, the sled "Rosebud" from Citizen Kane. The mover was fatally hit by the sled when it tumbled from its perch while he was shakily taking it down.
SCOOP
Bummer.
SCENE 12 - RAYMOND RANDO'S LAB.
RAYMOND
How's your case going, Scoop?
SCOOP
Not so hotsy totsy Raymie.
RAYMOND
And you think I can help?
SCOOP
Yes, maybe... I want to take that E.S.P test.
SCENE 13 - TEST ROOM.
[Scoop keeps guessing the cards right.]
SCOOP
Circle.
RAYMOND
Next.
SCOOP
Circle.
RAYMOND
Next.
SCOOP
Square.
RAYMOND
Next.
SCOOP
Three wavy lines.
RAYMOND
Next.
SCOOP
Circle, and, the mailman is screwing your wife!
I'll take that cool million now.
[The debunker pulls a gun on Scoop.]
RAYMOND
Impossible, you cheated! There is no such thing as E.S.P.! You're going to have to die, just like Lily. I don't know how she passed the test either.
[Scoop gets up. The debunker shoots at Scoop; glass shatters. The camera pulls back to reveal that it was only Scoop's reflection, and he is standing behind Raymond with his gun drawn. Gun smoke in the air.]
SCOOP
It's all smoke and mirrors, but not for Lily. She was the real mind-reading McCoy, Raymie. She tried to warn the mover about the sled that was going to fall on his head. Wait! I think I’ve got it, Quiet!
(Close up on Scoop's mouth.)
SCOOP (CONT'D)
Orson Wells.
(backup to full shot.)
SCOOP (CONT'D)
That just leaves one mystery. Why did you feel like playing games with me by hiring me to investigate the crime even before it happen? Thought I was a chimp with a squirrel brain? Too slow to sort all this out until the Monday after doomsday?
RAYMOND
I didn't hire you, but I do think you're a fool.
SCOOP
The jiggy is up, dawg. Speak a little truth for once.
FTD MAN
Flowers for a Scoop Nickels?
[FTD man enters.]
SCOOP
How did anyone know I'd be here? Lilies, how nice.
[Reads the card.]
SCOOP (CONT'D)
Good job, Scoop. I knew you could do it. - Miss Lily. Well I’ll be a healthy Bigfoot stool.
SCENE 14 - INT. SCOOP'S CAR.
[Scoop driving an old beat-up car listening to the radio.]
RADIO ANNOUNCER
And now the number one song in the land, Sled with "Lily, Lily".
SONG: Lily, Lily, psychic Lily/an experiment in an alien's cookbook/Now she's just another page in Project Bluebook./Lily, Lily, psychic Lily/She makes stranger faces than Don Post/when trying to read the future of the next comic the Frairs will roast…
THE END