My Uncle's Business

MY UNCLE'S BUSINESS

An Inheritance in Two Acts

Bo Wilson

revision 10/04

Please direct all inquiries to the author at

4319 Burgess House Lane

Richmond, VA 23236-4705

(804) 745-7455

or visit his web site,

CHARACTERS

1. Ben Hirsch. Our hero. An affable guy in his late forties/early fifties. He's a modestly successful plumbing contractor who actually returns phone calls-- what's not to like?.

2. Amelia Hirsch. His wife. Devoted, pragmatic. She is a bottom-line kind of person who stays very busy making the best of whatever that bottom line might be. She is optimistic without ever seeming naïve, a pretty neat trick.

3. Geraldine Bryant. An attorney. She anticipates every question, every argument, every counterpoint, rendering the other party in many conversations largely irrelevant. She is a walking run-on sentence, partially because a period would give the other person a chance to talk.

4. Francesca Scaachi. A Mafiosa. Her family has run this chunk of the East coast since the 1920s. A feline mixture of seeming languor masking coiled energy, she often wears the slight smile of someone pleased to be doing you a kindness. She describes her business alternately as "Financial Advisor" and "Retirement Consultant"

5. Joel Hirsch. Ben's son, age 20. He’s studying business, but his true calling is web design. He’s a small “g” geek who hopes one day to be a big G (as in "Gates") geek.

6. Molly. Amelia's sister and best friend. She owns a small bookstore. In spite of running her own business, she has too much free time, which she devotes to a mixture of political causes and romantic desparation.

7. Keera. An Entertainer. A role player. A fantasy consultant. Okay, so she's a stripper. She lives a life which, of necessity, is free of illusion, and so she’s intolerant of self-deception in others. She deploys her sense of humor like the razor-sharp weapon it is.

8. A waitress, who may be played by the same actress who plays Geraldine.

The play occurs in two acts. The time is The Present.

We are led through the events of the play by Ben, who speaks directly to us when not playing scenes with other characters, and he is the only character who does so. At times, these events of direct address happen during transition from scene to scene. The scene may change behind him as he speaks, and for the most part, these scenes may be suggested simply. The most elaborate setting is the kitchen of Ben and Amelia's home to which we return again and again throughout the evening; it's possible that in other scenes, the kitchen is masked and simple scenic elements placed in front of it.

My Uncle's Business rev 10/04a by Bo Wilson1

ACT ONE

(lights up on BEN, who smiles at us-- welcoming us, pleased that we've made it.)

BEN

Hi. Hey, hello. Good to see you.

Is this everybody? Good, okay.

Hello. For those of you who don’t know already, I’m Ben Hirsch.

I’m that guy. And I think we all know what we’re doing here, right?

There's this question that a lot of you are curious to know about.

It keeps coming up. You know?

Not a week goes by, someone doesn't pull me aside,

and kinda look around, you know, and then, real quiet:

"What was it like?"

And I’m the guy to ask, right?

After all, I was definitely…. involved. Peripherally. For, you know—a week.

And it was one of those things that, when it's happening to you?

you're thinking "Someday this is gonna be so funny, ha-ha-ha,”

But at the time, I was not laughing. I was sweating bullets.

Look: I'm a normal guy with a house and a mortgage and bills

and about twenty pounds that I can't get rid of no matter what I try, I'm just a guy, you know?

So when people slide up to me with that little smile asking "what was it like?"

I wanna scream at them,

"It was nerve wracking!"

(sound of doorbell; he steels himself.)

And that's how it starts….

(AMELIA enters, leading our transition into the kitchen of the Hirsch home. BEN and AMELIA are preparing to go to the home of AMELIA'S sister for dinner, and AMELIA is engaged in the to-ing and fro-ing which are the by-product of getting ready while running late-- making sure the salad is ready, making sure that her clothes are all right, and so on. BEN has walked from his opening position to take a patient seat in the midst of this domestic maelstrom; he knows better than to try and help. Again, we hear the doorbell, and we shall continue to, periodically.)

AMELIA

Could you get that?

BEN

Yes, I could. but I'm just saying, the woman knows I'm coming,

Plus she’s your sister for god’s sake, she’s supposed to be family…

AMELIA

Molly is family…..

BEN

Fine, then she can throw on a pork chop or something for her poor brother-in-law,

What are you fussing with yourself for, you look fine.

AMELIA

Thank you. She's a vegetarian, Ben.

BEN

She doesn't have to eat it, just have it available,

a hamburger, anything….

(doorbell….)

AMELIA

She doesn't let it in the house, are you getting the door?

BEN

(hollered toward door:)

I'm coming!

Someday, I'm gonna carry a hot dog in

in my jacket or something and I'm gonna pull it out, "ha-HA! Look out, Molly! It's Meat! Run!"

AMELIA

Why are you so hateful?

BEN

You look good enough to eat, maybe we could change the menu, huh…?

(trying to nuzzle her as she giggles and fights him off as we hear yet another doorbell)

AMELIA

Sweety, no, we're late, can you just get the door?

BEN

I'm going. Although I don’t know why I’m going,

We won’t be there two minutes before the two of you’ll be huddled together

muttering about whatever guy she’s thinks she’s in love with this week,

while I sit there the whole time looking at my watch pretending to eat tofu.

(doorbell.)

I'm coming!

(BEN begins moving to the door, which is offstage-- as he crosses and during his absence, AMELIA maintains the following running commentary)

AMELIA

She doesn’t fall in love with a new guy every week,

And you don’t have to just “sit there,” you know,

You’re more than free to chime in,

and by the way you might actually try the tofu, you might even like it

(BEN has re-entered, holding a letter; AMELIA notices him by degrees; he seems a bit lost.)

you never know

how things

are gonna turn out, what is it, what is that?

BEN

It's, um, a registered letter.

AMELIA

For us?

BEN

(he can't take his eyes off of it.)

For me. Mr. Benjamin Hirsch, that's me.

AMELIA

Who sent it to you?

BEN

"Kimball, Murchison, and Bryant, Attorneys at Law."

They're in Boston.

AMELIA

Boston? Why-- what's in Boston?

BEN

Fenway. The Kennedys. Lots of stuff.

(he finally looks up at her.)

I don't know.

I had to sign for it.

AMELIA

You signed?

BEN

Sure. Why wouldn't I?

AMELIA

I don't know. Depends on what's in Boston.

BEN

Kemball, Murchison, Bryant, these guys are what's in Boston.

(Beat. Then, AMELIA grabs the letter from his hands, tears the envelope open and then puts it back into his extended hand.)

AMELIA

You were having a little trouble there.

BEN

(still holding it extended:)

You don't wanna read it to me?

(she plucks it from him again and begins reading aloud; any exasperation he feels fades very quickly once he realizes what he's hearing.)

AMELIA

"May we first offer our belated sympathies for the loss of your Uncle, Mr. Herman Kelleher." Who?

"This firm has served Mr. Kelleher's interests vigorously since sixty-one,"

Ben, who is Herman Kelleher?

(BEN takes letter, she surrenders it without a struggle)

BEN

"Blah blah blah writing this letter to inform you of the particulars of your status

as a beneficiary to Mr. Kelleher's estate….."

(the idea of being anyone's beneficiary stops his reading; she plucks it from him again, continuing:)

AMELIA

"Because of the size and complexity of the estate,

we are asking you to meet with us in our Boston offices on Tuesday of next week.

A First class ticket has been purchased on your behalf on United Flight,"

Ben!

"…hope you will be able to advise us as to the dispensation of your share of the estate,

signed G. L. Bryant,"

Ben--do you get this?

BEN

I keep almost getting it but someone keeps snatching it away.

(she gives it to him. He studies it for a moment.)

AMELIA

See? It's not so obvious.

BEN

What's not obvious, I've inherited…. something.

AMELIA

Right, but is it a house, is it land, is it money, if it is, how much money,

why are they being so mysterious?

BEN

"Because of the size and complexity," it says.

AMELIA

It can't be just money. Money's not complex. Do you think it's money?

BEN

How should I know? Maybe it's sheep.

AMELIA

Sheep?

BEN

Or one third interest in a gravel pit, or the starboard side of a deep-sea-fishing boat,

I don't know who this Kelleher guy is!

AMELIA

Was. It says your uncle.

BEN

I have never heard of any Uncle Herman Kelleher.

AMELIA

I need to tell Molly we're running late……

(crossing to phone and dialing.)

Molly, it's me. Yeah. Listen, we got a little bit held up,

Ben just got this strange letter and--

What?

Right, the onions, then a splash of wine, then cover it for awhile,

are you listening to me?

Yeah, very strange,

it was all official and registered, he had to sign for it.

From Boston. A law firm,

They want Ben to meet with them.

BEN

(calling toward phone:)

Right, so we're not gonna be able to make it tonight because I have to pack and stuff--

AMELIA

(waving him silent:)

No,no, no. Somebody died.

We don't know. I mean, we know the name, but we don't--

Kelleher. No, Molly, I swear to you, we don't know, we're trying to figure it all out!

I'll ask him,

Ben, Molly wants to know, do you have any rich relatives?

BEN

None that I know about.

AMELIA

None that he knows about.

She wants to know do you have any you don't know about?

(BEN stares at her for a count of three.)

He doesn't know. No.

Yes. We will.

Okay, 'bye.

(she is done with the phone.)

How can you have an uncle you don't even know about?

BEN

It can happen.

Remember last summer, Tommy Calucci found out about that half brother he had,

all those years, he never even knew anything about it til his aunt spoke up.

AMELIA

Ben, what if it's complex because it's money, a lot of money,

you remember? That TV show we saw about those people, they won the lottery,

and with all the taxes and financial planning and everything,

their lives got so incredibly complicated?

BEN

We should go.

AMELIA

Benjamin.

(he stops)

Are you scared?

BEN

Scared? Why would I be scared?

AMELIA

Because it's unexpected. Because it's a mystery. Because it could cause problems.

I'd be scared.

BEN

Are you scared?

AMELIA

(moving closer to him.)

No. You know why?

BEN

Because I'm so big and brave and handsome?

AMELIA

And smart, don't forget smart.

(she leans in and kisses him briefly; a beat; she remembers)

The Anchovies!

(and she's out. Ben once again steps forward to speak to us:)

BEN

My theory is this:

What you plan? It doesn't matter.

That's my whole theory. What You Plan Does Not Matter. Tell me this:

What kid says "I plan to be a modestly successful plumbing contractor." No one.

Doesn't matter.

You picture yourself with a tall brunette.

You end up with a blonde that goes five foot three in heels.

You plan to maybe travel a little before you have kids.

But you forget to travel to the drugstore one night,

and before you know it the only trips you're taking are to the pediatrician's and back.

You plan to save X dollars per month, to never let your debts get past thus and such amount,

doesn't matter. Your debts will grow to whatever size pleases them. Your plans don't matter.

Now don't get me wrong--I like my life just fine.

I'm good at plumbing, I love my short little wife, I'm proud of my kid,

maybe the way things turn out is always for the best,

All I'm saying: It won't be what you planned.

So here I go, To Boston, to meet this lawyer.

And I can't help it, I'm thinking "What is this?"

Trying to guess, trying to "get ready"

which is just, you know, another kind of planning that won’t matter, right?

Just one more kinda thing that's gonna be different than you expect…….

(BEN turns and is met by GERRY, who smiles warmly and shakes his hand-- she's attractive and enthusiastic and everything you'd expect from the receptionist of a high-powered firm.)

GERRY

Mr. Hirsch, how very good to see you, welcome to Boston, I hope that you had a nice flight?

We're all set for you in here, if you'd follow me please…..

(She leads him-- and us-- into the office, taking her place behind the very nice desk:)

I suppose we might as well just jump in, if that's all right?.

(BEN looks around, understanding coming slowly as:)

BEN

Oookay, see, I thought that you were the recept-- I mean, I didn't realize,

okay, you're Mist-- uh, Miz,

are you?

G.L. Bryant?

GERRY

(she has watched this little meltdown with amusement, and now bustles about, collecting papers, arrranging, cleaning up, etc.-- what matters is that she multitasks ferociously all while speaking with impressive velocity.)

Yes, that's right, I'm G. L. Bryant, and yes, I know it sounds like it's gonna be a man,

but the fact is that the "G" in my name is for "Geraldine"

which simply is not the sort of name that says "Old School Legal Powerhouse"

"G.L." sounds more distinguished and yes, I'm afraid it's true, more male,

which is frankly unfair to both of us, but c’est le guerre,

the fact is that I'm a terrific little corporate counsel kinda gal,

and I guess I'd better be because at the moment, you're one of our largest clients.

BEN

I am?

GERRY

And I am horrified to realize that I haven't yet offered my condolences and those of my firm,

please let me do that now?

BEN

Your con-- Oh. For my uncle.

GERRY

Yes…..?

BEN

I'm sorry, it's just still a little-- I didn't really know. About him, I mean.

GERRY

In what sense didn’t you know about him?

BEN

“In what sense”?? In the sense that I didn't know that he existed.

GERRY

I'm sorry, "that he existed…?".

BEN

What I'm saying, your letter was pretty much the first I ever heard of the man.

(GERRY stares, uncomprehending:)

GERRY

The first you ….

(Something clicks into place for her; she barks a quick laugh.)

Unbelievable. We should dig the man up so we can kill him again……

BEN

What's going on?

GERRY

I think I understand what's happening here, Mr. Hirsch,

I have to apologize, I'm afraid that I didn't anticipate this possibility,

(she re-focuses)

You have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m sorry.

BEN

Is something the matter, I haven’t inherited anything?

(Beat.)

GERRY

Mr. Hirsch-- Clearly this

awkward little moment

was something Herman wanted, so we might as well just… get through it.

I'm going to try to explain, in straightforward terms,

exactly what it is that your uncle has left to you.

And-- try to avoid any sudden judgments. Try to stay calm.

BEN

(addressing us:)

In my experience, whenever someone asks you to stay calm

it's because the next thing they're going to say is something like

"They've started shelling the capital"

or "we're taking water on decks one through six," you know, something bad.

And then she tells me.

She tells me what this UncleHerman has left me,

and I have never in my life…it was so…. I couldn't quite….

(returning to stare at GERRY, who meets his gaze levelly.

After a time:)

GERRY

Ben?

Mr. Hirsch?

BEN

You're saying

that I have inherited

a pornography empire?

GERRY

May I call you Ben?

BEN

That is what you're saying, right?

GERRY

I can't very well--

BEN

Can't what? I'm wrong, I misunderstood, please, no--

I know what you're telling me.

GERRY

Ben, if you could just permit--

BEN

Porno! A Porno Empire! Tell me I'm wrong!

GERRY

Ben.

(she shrugs, as though stuck in an impossible corner.)

The words you use-- they're so loaded. I mean,

"empire." "pornography." You see?

BEN

What do you call it?

GERRY

You now own controlling interest in a diversified portfolio of entertainment-industry holdings.

BEN

I'm a SMUT KING!

GERRY

Ben, due respect, you've got some wrong ideas in your head.

BEN

Wrong ideas, I don't even have any ideas yet,

GERRY

I'm talking about the business itself.

BEN

What knowledge would I have about the porno business?!

GERRY

Exactly, you've put your finger on it, thank you.

BEN

I don't want my finger on it, I don't wanna touch it!

GERRY

The adult entertainment industry is just that,

an industry, co-existing with other industries, and I think--

BEN

With all due respect, Counselor, a rose by any other name, etcetera,

you can call it adult entertainment, you can call it erotica,

you can call it inter-gender therapy, it's still porno! My Uncle was a porn king!

GERRY

Ben. At this moment, I am your attorney. I am here to help you. Do you want me to help you?

BEN

I would love for you to help me.

GERRY

Good. So: Some questions about your background.

BEN

Background?

GERRY

I need to know how familiar you might or might not be

with the subject at hand.