I was in shock when it happened. At the crowded school library, I was sexually harassed by a student. A student who I trusted, despite his numerous misgivings.
During the times I took charge of his classes, he often displayed antagonism, lack of remorse, irritability, but also pity. Pity when things went horribly wrong in my classroom. Sometimes it was my fault. At times, it was the students who gave me absolute hell that lasted even for the rest of the week. He appeared sympathetic. But I wonder if this was genuine at all?
Why do I even bother? Because I really thought I knew the child. I really believed that I came to some mutual understanding between the student and myself, as I have done with several other students in his class.
It took only one single incident to snap me out of this wishful thinking, even though disillusionment occurs rather too often in my teaching career, which is stillvery brief. Eighteen months.
The fact that I cannot even type his name on this document, and that I cannot even type the exact description of the incident still, tells me that I have not internally resolved this issue. What the student did to me on that Friday afternoon left me deeply shaken, and I doubt that he truly feels remorseful at all. In his mind, it was just a playful act that was meant to be harmless.
I try not to go into victim mentality. It’s pointless. I need to be in charge of my own life circumstances, but it hasn’t been very easy. And yet, whenever I hear or think of the word “victim mentality”, I immediately snap out of the pathetic ‘It’s my fault that… I have been victimised and I don’t know what to do….’ line of thinking. And because of that, I am determined to set some things in motion. For instance, not being in the same room with only one student who is of opposite gender. Or grasping any student’s wrist when they are attacking another student. Or even having a casual conversation that implies personable teacher-student connections. And especially- showing any film with graphic content. I have done this many times in my class, with the student in question being there, unfortunately.
All these measures are really meant to be preventative, largely for the students’ sakes, and for mine, of course. I cannot allow this type of incident to occur again, whether it be in front of me, or it directly impacts me. If what happened a few weeks ago affected a female student, rather than me, I would have definitely taken immediate action. Without hesitation. But I am usually slower to act when I am on the receiving end of any damaging act.
I know what to do now. I know how to act reactively and preventatively. But most importantly, I need to mentally train myself to understand that I cannot just “curse the darkness”, and instead, “lit a light” in the midst of it. Ever since the incident, I have felt nothing but sheer negativity towards the student because I felt completely demeaned, disrespected, objectified and despised. I’ve already felt like a doormat, but I’ve gotten used to it. But this was way worse than feeling like a doormat that’s painfully tread upon. I was almost certain that he is a psychopath who almost enjoys inflicting emotional pain on others. Until I realised that I too share these tendencies.
I know what it feels like to bring emotional hurt, and be gleeful of it. Until I regret this afterwards, but I would be too proud to admit it. Too proud to admit that I am sorry.
I would not care for those who mean almost nothing to me. And I might even be apathetic to their pitiful plight. If I was to call anyone a psychopath because they displayed strong psychopathic tendencies (which are not all homicidal, I sure you), then I would be one, as well.
Instead, I am committed to have empathy and compassion wherever I go and to whoever needs it. That being said, I won’t approach the student as closely as I’ve had before. I would still act with the kind of caution that I would take around any borderline sociopath, but I cannot do this with any disdain or dislike. I don’t dislike the student. But I have mostly lost respect for him, but not completely.
I thought that if I received professional counselling, then it would make things easier for me and especially for those around me, including the student in question. But I realised that this is not necessary. I would have gladly made the financial sacrifice, but I found a better way of dealing with this situation. I forgot that I was meant to pray to God to seek His council. But I already knew vaguely what he would have said to me. To pray. So I want to pray, and ask him to help me in all ways, so that the next time I have to face the student, I would stand face-to-face not as a ‘victim’, not even as a ‘survivor’, but as an unharmed, pain-proof professional. It’s simply ludicrous to think that I was the victim or the survivor. I am neither. If I was to seek coping strategies outside professional counselling, I can do this myself.
This is why I have opted to use journal-writing as a coping strategy, just as I have done many times in the past. Reading this journal entry is like Dumbledore peering into his Pensieve. I need to reflect on my dealings with a neutral mind, and I can do this best by reading through my journal entries.