Foster Parent’s Natural Children
Most foster parents became foster parents only after carefully considering how doing so would affect their own natural children. Not only do natural children share their parents, but they also are exposed to foster children who likely have behavioral and mental health issues. To deny that this is a concern for foster parents, or that foster children do not influence natural children because “foster children have always been in our home” is shortsighted.
There are several inherent problems for natural children in foster homes that need to be defined. First, natural children will undoubtedly notice that foster children often receive a goodly amount of your attention when they act out. This, as foster parents well know, can lead to the natural child developing behavior problems to compete for attention.
Natural children need to have regular, guaranteed time alone with their parents and biological family that is private and of good quality. Some foster parents reject this concept, feeling that if they do this, they are somehow communicating rejection to the foster children. My challenge to this is: how much time do you spend with the foster children in situations where your natural children are excluded? Investing fair share private time with just your natural child one on one, or with your entire biological family is healthy, and it may keep your natural children from developing behavioral problems. Foster children should be told clearly when they first arrive in the home that there will be times when they will have time exclusively with you, and time when you will be spending time exclusively with your biological children.
Secondly, natural children may begin to feel crowded by the foster children in the home, especially if you have begun foster care when your children are a bit older. Suddenly, your children have to share your (usually very budgeted) time with other children. Because your own children have the benefit of your parenting all their lives (and they are healthier than the foster children), you may tend to take their ability to cope without your direct attention for granted.
It is a very good idea to set aside a scheduled, specific amount of time each day to spend with each child (foster and natural) that is in a private space, and allows for the child to talk, complain, get affection and support, or just “be” with you. In addition, there should be a strong prohibition against children from going into each other’s rooms or playing with each other’s toys without permission. There should be the freedom for all the children to keep some belongings or toys unshared.
Thirdly, it is important to note that it is not only behaviors and “attitudes” that natural children may “catch” from foster children. Research has shown that when “average-healthy” people are exposed to others who have certain mental health disorders, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for example, they can begin to have the same symptoms and behaviors as the original victim. This in not just “acting like” the person with the disorder to get attetnion, the “average-healthy” person actually begins to suffer from PTSD.
Lastly, natural children who live with foster children need and deserve extra support. Sometimes this extra support may need to be brief counseling. It could also be a support group of other natural children who have parents who are fostering. Foster parents should consider pressing their serving agency to provide these extra supports that their children need. After all, it’s not just the foster parents who are working to help and heal the foster children, the natural children do their part of the work, too!
Foster parents are the strangest, most wonderful people in the world!