CHAPTER SIX:

CAST MEMBERS’ INTERSTANDINGS

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

…this is the best experience in my whole entire life and love it – I love it – but not just like – like – not just physically and mentally and emotionally and about the mental illness and about who I was but personal – but about friends and groups and relationships and helping and about commitment and I could go on and on – the list is enormous – it’s like the biggest, biggest, hugest thing of my entire life…..like ever….(Tallulah, about the project experience)

Introduction

For the next chapters I am examining the reflections of three key sources with regard to theatre experience: this chapter, the cast; next chapter, the audience; and Chapter 8, my own reflections. By way of beginning, I draw upon the work of Matarasso’s Use or ornament? The social impact of participation in the arts (1997). Within this evaluation of arts in community several key affects were found as to the usefulness of art in the process of community development:

·  Personal development increased (confidence greatly improved)

·  Arts projects can contribute to social cohesion in significant ways (reconnection back to the larger community through relationships)

·  Community empowerment and self-determination (most wanted to do more work in the area of community work)

·  Local image and identity (more closely identify with the larger community)

·  Imagination and vision (most people feel more confident in thee ability to be creative)

·  Health and well-being (most feel happier and healthier)

·  Give people influence over how they are seen by others

·  Raise expectations about what is possible

·  Challenge conventional service delivery

The complete list of social benefits when working within the arts is provided in Appendix I. For the purposes of this exploration, I focus upon three broad areas: voice, identity, and power, largely because most of the narrower categories of Matarasso’s work fall within these three.

Through our popular theatre process, while using a performative inquiry lens, the cast of embodied learners presented their thematic discoveries to the community. For nine months the group was a collectivity of learning; the show was a vehicle for team-teaching the town about the lived realities contained within this group of marginalization. The results of popular exploration closed the previous chapter. To end the current discussion I draw upon a fleeting chance comment made by Jimmi and how this translated into a structure that relates to performed voice, identity, and power within rural social margins. Keeping in mind Matarasso’s findings I also open up the question that guided this study from the beginning … What shifts in identity, voice, and senses of personal power become embraced through the performative experiences of a group of rural adults living with mental disorder(s) as it developed and presented an absurdist popular theatre community production? To find one’s voice leads to the uncovering and (re)discovery of identity and the unfolding of personal power to act. This relationship becomes uncovered through the words and performances of the cast.

Comprehending Voice

Actress Tallulah says Stirred has given her a voice to express feelings about her condition. “Sometimes you feel black in a bunch of whites but Sidney wanted to hear our experiences. You realize there’s a big world of mental illness out there.” Through the play Tallulah’s gaining confidence to deal with society. “I’ve learned it doesn’t matter what other people think, Tallulah said. It’s been highly therapeutic, almost like a steppingstone…. I wish there was a program like this that could go on forever…..” (Tallulah, Cowichan News Leader, May 7, 2003, p. 19)

This play’s an opportunity to talk about things that really aren’t talked about in public, like suicide. It brought me out into the open rather than being a hermit (Amelia, Cowichan News Leader, May 7, 2003, p. 19)

The embodied act of voice through performance (in this case within a theatrical environment which is not her sole vision. “Performance” is more broadly considered by Butler (1996)in her theorization) resonates with Judith Butler in that every time one speak or acts within life, he or she is in the midst of recreating and marking identity. There is strong effect upon spectators when authentic experience and story is shared. Like the “looking glass” self, as the cast performed its experiences of interactions with mainstream authorities and individuals, actors developed a deeper sense of whom they saw themselves through their re-enactments.

Group members began to understand the presence of their voices. During the creation of various scenes, particularly the episodes that were highly personal and individualistic. As they relayed lived experiences to each other, similarities and differences became discussion points. Salverson (1995) goes to great lengths reminding popular theatre practitioners that overly exposing a person’s story can render him or her vulnerable, because once aspects of life experience are released there can never be a complete returning to anonymity or confidentiality. There is merit to such a position; however, those who are familiar with aspects of invisibility and the “closet,” hiding can be an act of protection, but it can also be a force of entrapment….of further silencing. Within the play there were three scenes that were uniquely and determinedly personal. Keeping Salverson in mind, I began, when working with Amelia and Tallulah, to suggest that the scenes (Bedtime Story, Family Gathering, Blind Leading the Blind) needed to be revised to protect their stories and, therefore, their identities and lives from public scrutiny. Their responses were quick and definitive. They had to remain as they were because they were powerful stories that NEED to be told. Amelia explained this more fully…

“The Suicidal Sally scene …I mean that was so real for me… and I – I in the performance I added the words – that I would just be a burden to the rest of my family because I wanted people to know that when somebody’s thinking of committing suicide – that they’re – like my brother said to me when I did that – said – well what about your nephew, what about him, and I said – I said he’d be better off without me – and that’s the way I felt – everybody that was close to me – that I loved that I wasn’t thinking that I would be hurting them – I was thinking that they would – that they were – that I would be alleviating them so that was my- I added that in because I wanted to as well – to try and get that point across that – that that’s what people who are suicidal think – that you know I’m a burden so the world will be better off without me – so and – and I felt when I was saying it – like I felt right back – like I was right back in that room with that nurse you know cause I had my head down and you know so I wasn’t looking at anybody – I was basically talking to myself and it was all quite and so you know ….”(Amelia, Interview 6, p. 38).

Tallulah went further to remind me that if I could trust and have faith in her and she in me, then that would be the basis for her believing in herself and what she had to say. Encouraging each cast member to speak up in his or her own way allowed the story’s power to become vocally effective within the community.

“but those were the best scenes – but that was the most important – that’s what I loved about this whole thing – and you [Sidney] and everything – you went on whatever you call it [intuition] you know what I mean – you [herself] were like I’ll just do it because people don’t take risks – you [Sidney] took risks in me so now I can take the risks and Amelia can take the risks and everybody at Open Door can take the risks cause you and oh to do that was important because if we didn’t do all those scenes – then I wouldn’t have been as happy with the whole program – cause the reason I was happy – because you [Sidney] were taking things and we were taking things and making up all these things and doing all these things- but you [Sidney] weren’t – you [Sidney] weren’t taking out the ones that you thought were risky – but you were saying they have to fit – I’m going to give them – we may turn some of these around but I’m going to drive the point home cause you know what Tallulah deserves it, Amelia deserves it – all these people I think deserve to you know – you did the one thing that nobody else – everybody else is trying to hide our lives – and you were like – you said – you took dynamite and you said you deserve this – here – here it is cause it’s real – run with it – and you know – that was really – that was honourable – like that was heroic in my eyes – you know what I mean – like you don’t understand though – we’ve got to have somebody like you [Sidney] to you know otherwise everybody else is like sssssshhhhhhhhhhh…”(Tallulah, Interview 6, p. 45).

There is a level of self-deprecation, self-silencing that occurs; of having a perception that they are worth-less somehow. Speaking before the larger community they discovered that their sense of self and their personhood has much worth.

it was maybe two-thirds the way through um I was kind of in a bit of a depression – and I did think about not coming – and I missed one and I felt so lonely that night – I was at home – and um and then I – and then I talked to my mom on the phone and um she brought me back up like she usually does and she just said to me – promise me you’ll go to acting – cause she just – every time I phone her she’s like tell me about acting – tell me about acting – I love it I love it – you know – it’s so good – this is what you need – you know this so she encouraged me to continue going and um and so I went through a ah like I dipped a little bit deeper and went through a really rough patch but I forced myself to go because I wanted to be there and I wanted to be a part of the group and like Tallulah said, you know it was like you could go and just be yourself and um and be almost – act like a kid again really let go and to be able to tell our stories and um things that you know were only inside before and to bring them out and to work them out in an acting process like that um – I think was really therapeutic you know (Amelia, Interview 6, p 35).

Jean, one of the counsellors, suggested that her role as part of the cast and its function to give voice to marginalized stories was one of conduit; to have the cast’s experiences become vocalized and told through their embodiment of their presence.

“I’m at a developmental stage that doesn’t – that there is not a lot of unexpressed stuff or that say when I’m expressing on stage it’s not a very different state from which – how I express myself you know in – in my regular walk – and I could see that with yourself [Sidney} as well – you’re - you’re very, very, very good at – you express yourself very well [Sidney] so you touched audience members because of that ability but it may not have been extremely you know moving – moving necessarily for you – you have the ability to move the audience by virtue of being there - like being present is the biggest – the biggest – necessity to move others – like I can stand on a stage and be present and put forth that which you know I want to express – and that’s what moves the audience right – it’s not the words and it’s not the content as much as it is the – the being present and being the conduit and being there….”(Jean, Interview 14, p. 4).

Cary reminded us that the cast spoke and dreamt from inside creases of society. By their very nature these folds are dark and hidden and these boundaries become extended into other spheres of living and life.…

“…do we dream inside of cracks…that is the thing…what is partly disturbing is the darkness of the crack you know ….living dreams you know….add technical stuff you know we can’t dream that way…it’s all hard to formulate you know but I think it was important…going around….how thin is the border between madness and sanity…you know how close are you to the edge – these are the questions it [the play] brings up- a personal introspection – then they take their mind off the play….” (Cary, Interview 17, p. 19).

The power of voice is different from the voice of power as Bette hinted. To speak out is a dangerous practice. Voices of power, through professionals, wanted to shield cast members from repercussions, most notably obtaining employment. Doctors, as evidenced by Bette’s psychiatrist, wanted to know why cast members had to do this play. Why did cast members have to speak out? The effect is one of silencing by one in power. This is hinted at when a question in the mind of Bette went unasked; an echo of being invisible and unheard. …

“The problem arose when the fact of the – it was realized by some people that you know in the professional area that perhaps people are going to speak out and then they might – that it might harm those people’s possibilities of getting employment for example or fair treatment or whatever – that that was exactly what the play was about to ensure that irregardless of where you are in your mental health – you get fair treatment – that people treat you with respect and that you have just as much opportunity as anybody else – I didn’t really realize that until I spoke to my psychiatrist – and he was like – he says well why do you have to tell everybody – but I didn’t ask the question at that moment – why not? – which is probably what I should have said – Well, why not? You know what difference does it really make – it does make a difference – but I think the difference would be less if people were more aware…” (Bette, Interview 26, p. 14)