ENGL&151/152/153 – Creative Writing (Online)
Sample Workshopped Poetry
This is an actual poem workshopped by an actual ENGL151 student, followed by the same student’s critique letter for all four poems. I have removed all identifying information, such as the students’ names, the title of the poem, etc. This is an example of a workshop effort that would earn the full 25 points.
Pay particular attention to how this student specifically references elements of craft that we have covered in class and that most comments reference the Responsible Workshop Questions from Poetry Workshop Notes. Simple compliments are kept to a minimum but when offered, they are usually accompanied by an explanation rather than being a lone compliment. In other words, the reviewer illustrates his or her own understanding of our course content.
[Title omitted]
I miss the person you used to be
Like a sky from blue to grey [There seems to be a verb missing after “sky,” perhaps “turning” or “changing.”]
You have forgotten me
Drifted away in the sea
The things I’ll never say. [This stanza doesn’t seem punctuated correctly to me. I read these lines as all end-stopped, either on a period or a comma. If you write the stanza out as prose, you get “I miss the person you used to be like a sky from blue to grey you have forgotten me drifted away in the sea the things I’ll never say.” There at least need to be some commas in there to separate clauses.]
All the tears cried
Rain on my day [I am a bit confused by this line break and the use of “cried” and “rain” next to each other. Are you making a metaphor of “all the tears cried” to “rain [falling] on [your] day”?]
To hard I have tried
The things I’ll never say.
When did it end, I’m just at the start
A time of betrayal
My broken heart [Sonically, I like the rhythm of these three lines together. I think just from the standpoint of sound, they are the strongest in your poem.]
The things I’ll never say.
I won’t forget
It’s never easy walking away
Two strangers never met
An endless debt
The things I’ll never say. [As with the other stanzas, this seems to be missing punctuation that would tend to make the lines end-stopped rather than enjambed, as they appear to be.]
Dear [name omitted]:
Thank you for sharing your work. Though each poem portrays honest feeling, that feeling is told rather than shown. There is little for me, as reader, to experience myself and I end up feeling sympathetic to the speaker, but not empathetic with her. In [title omitted], the refrain (the repeated line “the things I’ll never say”) helps to give the poem a unity of sound and theme, although more concrete inventory and other imagery would help me experience the feelings myself. The poem has a preponderance of pronouns—I, me, you—and the specific nouns that do appear (e.g., sky, sea, tears, heart) are all pretty generic ones. I think the poem could be made more vivid by finding more specific nouns and metaphors. For example, instead of “You have forgotten me / Drifted away in the sea” you might use a more specific image, a rudderless and empty boat, say, carried off on the tide. Not that one, of course, but one better than that.
In terms of punctuation, much of the normal punctuation is missing, which affects how I as reader hear the poem. I see the germ of a story (one of betrayal or lack of trust), but this theme is not developed enough. We are merely told that the narrator feels this way. Part of this, I think, relates to setting. The poems are structured around the speaker talking to someone, telling that someone about their feelings, but there is no sense about where this conversation might be taking place—a coffee shop, a hallway, the breach—which would both establish setting and help give the poem some grounding in imagery.
Again, thank you for sharing your work. Good luck revising!
Sincerely,
[name omitted]