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There is no greater pain than arguing & fighting with someone close to you.
Tears me up inside.
I remember my first argument with my sister after becoming a Christian. I was shocked, pained that the need to be right and win was still in me after conversion. Since then I’ve pained myself and others too many times to count.
Nothing has sucked the life out of me than conflict, especially with Christians.
If you can grab this truth, you’re life will be changed.
Quarrels? —You May Be the Problem(4:1-3)
James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
Notice the strong polemical language: fights and quarrels (lit. wars and battles) (2x in vv. 1-2); battle (embattled) (v. 1); kill (v. 2) (see Mat 5:21).
Wars (polemos) is a long campaign, while battle, fight (machai) represent distinct, separate conflicts in war.
James purposefully uses war language to alert us to what it looks like to God. It’s business as usual with us but in the real spiritual realm it is war.
Our words and attitudes are killing others.
Matt. 5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
James has already spoken of anger (1:19); harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts (3:14,16), and slander will be addressed in 4:11.
Your desires that battle within-beneath the interpersonal quarrels are the intrapersonal wars. Behind most quarrels are unmet expectations.
Your desires-hedone (pleasures, passions).
The term, epithumia (desires, lusts) is what we may have expected, but hedone (passion) is used instead.
There is the war Paul speaks of between flesh and spirit.
But James speaks of a different war (wanting vs. not getting).
These may be unexpressed or unrealistic expectations, therefore they go unmet.
Learning to communicate more often & civilly can minimize blow-ups.
Planning breakfast.
“You want . . .” Beneath the expectations are the wants of the heart. This clearly focuses the problem on me, not “them.”
want- epithumeite.
What do I expect? What do I want? Are these appropriate expectations? Have I expressed these in a clear way? Have I listened to their wants & expectations?
The heart is the wanting portion of our being. It gives our spiritual being its direction and intensity—what we are moving towards (repetitively & ultimately). We were created to want, serve & be fulfilled in God.
The passions of the heart are measured both by direction and intensity. Sometimes God is our passion but it is weak.
Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You.
But through the fall and our own selfish pursuits we have lost our sense of direction & our intensity is misguided. We lust for (desire) many things as if they were God and could fulfill us. Our ultimate concerns (measured in time, energy, $) are our gods.
Compass and true north.
Our hearts are very vulnerable to external stimulation (lust of the eyes), through body appetites (lust of the flesh), and things that will make me appear more significant to others (boastful pride of life) (1 John 2:16).
1John 2:16 For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.
We must, guard our hearts for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23).
Obsessing over my wants, can create resentment and jealousy.
That spills out into a spat or cold war.
Little children just walk up and take it away.
Adults learn we can’t do that so we steam instead.
James encourages us to live above the animal level of wolves fighting over meat. Rather, to examine our wants and to bring them to our Provider.
Prayer reveals our heart, our dependency, wanting and trust in Him.
If our motives are pure, and our request is in God’s will, God Himself will give it to us, but He may reveal to us our love affair with this desire is out of place & inappropriate.
Important: pleasures are not bad; we are bad and too easily pleased. We expect pleasures to fulfill us when they ultimately cannot. They cannot be more than what they are. You will thirst again—Jesus.
We are like ducklings imprinted thinking someone is a mother duck.
We are programmed to want God, not out of God’s insecurity or necessity, but out of God’s desire for our fulfillment and joy and out of creation’s benefit of us behaving as God. But with the fall a “self” virus was introduced where we still want God but think other things will fulfill us and want them more. And we tend to fixate on these things and then conquer anyone who gets in the way. We do have the mandate “to rule” but without God we are dangerous.
It’s insanity, because even though we rationally know these things will not ultimately bring us fulfillment, we irrationally pursue them over and over again.
And because we were created to rule, we behave like kings and conquerors, but conquering the wrong thing. We have all learned conquering techniques.
We think the solution is “Get out of my way and give me what I want.”
We are obsessed with the idea of robots falsely programmed or mutant monkeys taking over the world. It has already happened. We are infected with a “self” virus, and we continue to re-infect ourselves. Then we destroy anyone who gets in the way. (Act out robot destroying something in the way).
Lions at Lion Country Safari.
Quit Cheating On God and Yourself!(4:4-6)
James 4:4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? 6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
The problem is not others or things, it’s you!!
James aligns himself with the OT prophets, calling inappropriate desires for what they are: spiritual adultery; an affair with what we secretly want.
Deut. 32:16 They made him jealous with their foreign gods and angered him with their detestable idols.
The world is there for us to enjoy. But nothing is more than what it is. When we inappropriately want, it becomes idolatry or spiritual adultery.
It is not out there, not culture, not non-Christians but a fallen system against God.
Friendshipwith the world is the inordinate pursuit of things that we think will make us happy and fulfilled. It is an affair with another god.
The power of the lust (desire) is in the chase, not in the achieving. It is heightened in the pursuit. It is a mirage.
When it is over, we as with any addict are guilty, then bored, then empty looking for a new pursuit.
Like a hungry lion are on the hunt again.
We justify it.
Can you imagine if your spouse was spending friendship time and companionship with someone else “without doing anything.” It’s still unfaithfulness because it should be with you!
A god is anyone’s ultimate concern in life. The usual suspects are position, possessions, and people or beauty, brains and bucks.
We think these will give us significance, fulfillment and identity. “The void in me will be filled.”
Hatred toward God. It is not just the war inside, not just people who are in the way, but The real obstacle is God. God is the enemy who opposes us.
We are actually fighting against God, who loves us and is trying to help.
Whereas we thought that God was just an aged, old church-grandfather, unable to get around and senile, instead He is passionately involved in every detail of our lives.
He is jealous over our sneaking off and ignoring Him to pursue our secret lovers.
Because He is a true Lover concerned for us and our true happiness, not this cotton-candy happiness, he resists us. He wants us to live in the fulfillment of His Image, not grovel in the dirt thinking we will be satisfied eating dirt.
Dirt; Tim at Lake Paris.
James says, inordinate desires (lusts) will come, but God gives us grace both to stand, faithfully with our Lover, and grace for our failings.
The Prophet Hosea:
Surrender—Depend on & Love Him Once Again(4:7-10)
James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
The answer? We must begin by humbling ourselves. See what’s really happening. Resist the devil instead of resisting God and others.
Draw close… Jer. 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Turn the wanting part of you (your heart) towards God.
Let go and let God.
Allow yourself to look in the mirror and weep. Shed some tears and take responsibility for your childish, adulterous, selfish behavior.
Are you who you want to be?
“I am the cause of my problems.” My gods (selfish wants) have betrayed me and have brought me unhappiness.
Ownership of our problems is half the battle.
Ungit
You, without realizing it, joined the mutiny again.
Realize your laughter and joy have been false, involving false gods and hurting others. Repent and discover true joy and laughter.
Our return to dependency is a return to reality. Our independent pursuit of things was actually a lie. God is the source of true joy.
Lift you up—He will honor you, fulfill you and show His love to you.
He has no desire to drag you through the streets by your hair, shaming you before everyone. Come to Him, for the true significance and fulfillment that only He can bring and honor will be yours.
Surrender—what if the quicksand is God. The hound of heaven has finally cornered you. Stop squirming: blaming others, fidgeting with your eyes, grasping, listen to your heart—wanting God. You’re addicted.
This is an intervention. You have let an attachment wrap its’ tentacles around you. You don’t have it, it has you.
Stop behaving subhuman. Become human. Be truly born anew.
It can be anything, even a good thing that comes in the way of you and God.
Giving up the ministry.
If a tsunami hit here, and you lost everything, and I found you hugging a tree, my job would be to restore you.
Abandon your typical thinking, those devout missionaries have the job of living for God, I have the job of just getting, climbing, achieving and we’ll all meet up in heaven.
G. K. Chesterton-the problem with the world is “me.” If you can make that transition, your life will be changed. Until then nothing and no one will be enough for you. Your happiness is found in you resolving that you are the problem and God is the answer.
Sméagol-war within himself. Like the ring, we think we have control but the things we want end up controlling us.
Talking About Others Is An Attack On God!(4:11-12)
James 4:11 Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
James takes us for one more round on the tongue. Slander, literallymeans “to talk down, or against,” usually when the person is absent.
(2x) Katalaleo- to talk down, against
Slander always involves judging. Jesus offered no slack on this: Mat 7:1-5.
Matt. 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Matt. 7:3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
The Apostle Paul declares: Rom 14:4; 1 Cor 4:3.
Rom. 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
1Cor. 4:3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
It involves a cluster of sins:
judging, bearing false witness (lying), betrayal, spreading ill will, pride (using the weakness of someone else to make ourselves look wise), andposing as God.
Often there is resentment (mild hate).
The anatomy of slander is usually the sinful release valve to the inward stress felt from resentment or disliking something about someone.
When slander becomes a habit, the resentment isn’t even there and the slanderer doesn’t even know they are doing it. It’s not simply that they slander, they have become a slanderer and a gossip, without any self-control. The sin controls them, they have lost their identity to it.
We can’t emphasize this enough. More harm is done by Christians speaking, than perhaps anything else.
Great good can be done by our tongue as well.
The secular law understands how wrong it is and has made it illegal.
1.Libel - False words, which damage another person's reputation or good character and are conveyed in a lasting manner, especially writing.
2.Slander - A false statement, usually made orally, which defames another person. Unlike libel, damages from slander are not presumed and must be proven by the party suing.
It’s sneaky, passive-aggressive, and destructive, driven by the ego, or at best fear and the protection of “true Christianity.”
We’ve all done it. Let’s all stop it. It’s sin, plain & simple.
You say, “Mark don’t be so persnickety.” Then fine forget the new kingdom, the new resurrected self. Let’s just go back to hate, slander etc. A decision has to be made: all or nothing.
Speck- Of course there is something wrong, imperfect and flawed with others; but we are more devilish—we pretend to be God!
We must live in an imperfect world without making it worse.
We all want to see the underbelly of the dragon so we can tell others of the weakness. But when we slander, the listener is seeing our ugly underbelly (of slander).
Some words of advice:
Most of us are not aware that we slander others. So, as a rule: if they are not present, if it is not praise or thanks, and they are not there to defend themselves, then it is probably slander, so don’t.
If you are in the role of judge (employer, coach, evaluator) make sure it’s the behavior and not the heart you are judging. And make sure the listener is also in the role of an evaluator.
But the best remedy is Mat 18 or not at all.
Jesus gave us a course of action regarding sin: the Mat 18 process.
When I am the listener, what do I do or say?
When someone is slandering or gossiping in conversation to you, just say: “I am not comfortable with this conversation,”
or “Before anything else is said let’s invite them into the conversation,” or simply, “Let’s not talk about them.”
Beware when people say: “I would say it to their face;” “I am just speaking the truth;” “Don’t get me wrong . . .”
We think: If they’re a public figure, they’re fair game.
When a simpleton abused him, Buddha listened in silence; but when the man finished, Buddha asked him, "Son, if a man declined to accept a present made to him, to whom would it belong?" The man answered, "To him who offered it." "My son," said Buddha, "I decline to accept your abuse, and request you to keep it for yourself."
Whenever I am around someone “talking” about others I file it away, knowing they would do (and probably do) the same to me.