The Inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency ! in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God
went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed
out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A blonde and a redhead are walking down a street in the middle of their town. The redhead stops suddenly, looking into a florist shop.
"Oh, damn!" the redhead says. "My boyfriend's in there buying me flowers again."
"I think that's so sweet," says the blonde.
"You don't understand. Everytime he buys me flowers he thinks he has something coming and I have to spend the next three days with my legs in the air."
"You don't have a vase?" asks the blonde.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m the next morning FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area however, they did not find any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor
gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them
make the decision -- why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of
every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they
didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of
them could speak Spanish.

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her nonna said: Sita here ana leta me tella you abouta thisa younga boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you agonna likea data, but donta leta him dodat.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea data too, but donta leta him dodat.
But mosta importanta, he's agonna try ana lay on toppa you, you are agonna likea dat, but donta let him dodat. Doing data willa disgrace da family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Nonna fainted!!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "The gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new
Ferrari GTO, it is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on
a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour" states the doctor
proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,!
all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going
faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the
accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could
pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old
man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he
sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and
there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is
still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is
there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view
mirror.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, groaned then visibly shuddered for
ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, groaned then shuddered violently
once more.
The man assumed that the woman might have Flu, though he was still curious
about the groaning & shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, groaning whilst her body shook even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose groaned and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an
orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
“Yes” The woman nodded, "Pepper."

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
“I don’t remember much after that .”

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”, the teacher asked.
“Yes ma’am,” Johnny replied. “My daddy told me a story about my Mommy."
“She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” cried the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?”
“Stay the hell away from Mommy when she’s drinking.”

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

A woman came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset.
You are a disgrace!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began:
Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in seconds.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, "I gave her the designer jeans that you had for a few years, but don't wear because they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste."
"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help - as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But officer, I'm not fishing, Can't you see that?", she said. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." replied the sheriff. "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman. "But I haven't even touched you." groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment.