The Angry Child

The Angry Child

By Tim Murphy, PhD

Although it’s sometimes okay to be angry, it’s never okay to be mean.

Anger can be a helpful emotion if it motivates us to take action to stop pain. Anger can also be a healthy step in coming to terms with an insurmountable problem. Letting go of anger through forgiveness and/or moving past anger by seeing that it won’t improve circumstances is what gives real freedom. An angry child tends to react to everyday disappointments in a way that is inappropriate – and brings discomfort to those around them. If the anger leads the child to blame others for their lack of failures or to attack himself, the anger has become destructive. Venting is NOT the solution! The child who vents their anger by using bad language around the house, smashing toys, or unleashing her anger on others feels the false sense that “since I feel better when I let out my anger, this must be the right thing to do.” They mistake the feeling of relief for resolution.

Anger is an emotion that generally grows stronger over time. Every angry reaction to a difficult situation has a line that separates the acceptable from the unacceptable. Don’t wait until your child is punching you, harming himself, or injuring friends to take action regarding their anger. Left unaddressed, it can lead to more serious problems even violence. Anger can take on a life of its own. Although it may stem from family frustrations, it can develop into an angry personality where the rage itself becomes a source of destruction in the family. When parents feel overwhelmed by their child’s anger, when that anger seems a way of life, the child has crossed the line from just feeling angry to being an angry child. It’s NEVER appropriate for a child to show disrespect for an adult. To decide if the anger is appropriate, look at the intensity of the reaction and at whom it is aimed. Even angry children can show genuine affection. When children appear to lack sensitivity to another’s feelings, it is of particular concern. In extreme forms, these children may have no qualms about torturing animals or hurting others. Many angry children show their bullying personality only at home. They may be wonderful with teachers while wretched with parents. Some are more openly angry with a permissive parent because they can get away with it without losing their affection. Words (or refusal to use them) are often the power tools for angry kids. Angry kids learn to manipulate arguments by setting traps to get parents more angry, to change the subject, or to confuse the issues.

Characteristics of the Angry Child

1. Make their own misery
2. Can’t analyze problems
3. Blame others for their misfortune – unaware their actions are provocative

Assume other do things on purpose to hurt or thwart them

“If I attack you, drive you away, you are not longer bothering me, and if I feel better then you must have been the source of my misery”

1. Turn bad feelings into mad feelings
2. Lack empathy
3. Attack people rather than solve problems
4. Use anger to gain power – to keep someone away or win an argument
5. Indulge in destructive self-talk
6. Confuse anger with self-esteem
7. Can be nice when they want to be

THE FOUR STAGES OF ANGER

1. BUILDUP – experiences, learned attitudes, memories of old unresolved conflicts, poor problem solving skills, stresses related to stage of development can accumulate until the anger child can no longer take it. The parent’s role is to PREVENT an outburst by avoiding unnecessary frustrations, teaching your child how to talk over and solve problems, maintain consistency and respect in the home.

1. SPARK – the action or thought that sets off the angry outburst – the thoughts don’t even have to be real events. Their imaginations can create problems where none exists in reality. Immature reasoning skills can lead to the creation of illogical conclusions. They may interpret any negative feeling as anger, and this can lead a child to attach automatically because of their confused reasoning. The parent’s goal is to DEFUSE the problem by pointing out the faulty reasoning and/or labeling the correct feelingin a calm, nonjudgmental way to douse the spark. Provide an opportunity for your child to take a minibreak, stop and think.

1. EXPLOSION- It can be openly aggressive verbally (yelling, insults, name-calling) or physically(hitting, kicking, punching – destroying property). It can be a passive attack through refusal to do something, “accidentally” making a mess, or stealing. Arguments are not started in search of a solution, but rather to cause—and be—a pain. The parent’s goal at this point is to CONTAIN the explosion and remain calm so that no one gets hurt. It is NOT about winning the battle. Label the correct feeling, restate rules and consequences in a logical fashion, separate the parties involved, walk away and cool off. Don’t make threats or argue.

1. AFTERMATH – THIS LEARNING TIME IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STAGE IN DEALING WITH ANGER!!!! Process the original problem and possible alternate solutions and choices that could have been made. Make apologies for wrongs done. Whatever is left unresolved becomes the buildup for the next angry outburst. Letting it slide teaches that anger doesn’t matter. It is important to project belief in the child’s ability to learn and change their response.

Why Talking Things Through is Challenging

Talking means acknowledging their role in a painful situation

They resist any efforts to help them calm down and think things through

They are unwilling to talk about outbursts before or after they occur

Angry children don’t later recall the details of an argument – “blind rage”

They’ll claim, “I never said that.”

May reconstruct the event in order to justify their own behavior

May make untrue claims about parental/teacher actions

May magnify details that support their point of view

They change history in their mind to fit their conclusion that it’s not their fault

Circular Reasoning - Each time you try to get an angry child to rethink the problem, he starts with his conclusion and uses distorted thinking to circle back to support that conclusion.

Tendency to confuse feelings with facts affects their ability to properly analyze a situation

When someone is trying to be nice, the angry child interprets it as antagonistic-

Thus shifting blame away from self

They want peace. They want parents to provide a safe and loving household. But if they live in a world filled with pain or stress, in which they don’t trust adults to help them fix their problems, they will not give up their power without a fight.

It’s as if kids are saying, “Unless you prove you’re more powerful, then I’ll be in control. If you try to take control, I’ll test your strength. If I win, you’re not strong and don’t deserve to rule.”

Statements like, “You can’t make me do anything” or “I don’t have to listen to you” are challenges. But if you win, you may find the resistance turns into respect.

Helpful Strategies

Football analogy – Think like a coach and prepare for the game! players prep for games by anticipating the other team’s actions. Scouts and coaches watch game films beforehand and practice running plays

Gather all the facts, showing the children another point of view, and helping them to see how their actions lead to a fight or a solution. ACTIVITY – write or talk about a description of what happened from the other person’s point of view

Discussing real-life problems and explaining how you dealt with a disagreement

Ask kids to teach you how………gets them to learn to slow down and explain the steps to solving the problem

Learning to recognize trigger feelings can help the angry child improve their self-control. Most angry children are not cognizant that trigger feelings even exist (such as pain, frustration, loneliness, boredom, fear, rejection, jealousy, disappointment, embarrassment, depression, and humiliation). Their swift and extreme reaction to negative feelings overshadows any recognition of a trigger. They go right to the anger without noticing that they’re frustrated or disappointed. In fact, they may deny having these other feelings because the strength of their response blinds them to the buildup. ACTIVITY – cut pictures from magazines with different facial expressions and have your child sort these into categories. Let them choose the labels for the feelings and make pages for each one. This will tell you the level on which your child is understanding emotions.

Teach the difference between thinking and feeling and show kids that their feelings can be based upon partial truth and therefore lead them to a wrong conclusion. Two people can view the situation in two different ways, and have different feelings about it as well – both of which are valid, neither of them more “right” than the other. ACTIVITY (1)- give a list of words (tree, farm, city, soldier, kitten, gun, ice cream, homework, television, win, lose, marriage, divorce, teacher). Ask them to state the feeling that comes to mind when they think about each word. Compare the lists. ACTIVITY (2) – book or movie plot- character make mistakes because they don’t have all the facts. What are they feeling now? watch how the reaction changes with the discovery of more facts.

Angry children must learn to distinguish between the genuinely hostile situation and the innocuous one where no harm is meant.

“Even if someone else is to blame, let’s think of a way to handle it that helps you.”

Empowering children with other methods to confront problems more effectively can have a remarkable effect on quieting their impulse to attack.

Teach the child how rehearsing negative thoughts keeps them angry. Rehearsing negative thoughts calm them down and work towards building solutions. Self-talk can get us worried or calm. Angry self-talk magnifies mole hills into mountains and small problems into rage. Rehearse a happy ending rather than a negative one. Practice stopping the thought in it’s tracks and rehearsing plans to solve the problem.

It is critical that parents learn to recognize when their child’s pleasant behavior is authentic, and when it’s a means of manipulation. When a child’s acts of kindness come only in an attempt to win favors or stop a punishment, parents should steel themselves to stand firm. Remind the child that being good is exactly what you expect of him all the time, not just when he wants a reward. On the other hand, a spontaneous expression of love or thoughtfulness should be taken at face value and embraced.

Angry Children and Self- Esteem

Healthy self-esteem comes from our ability to successfully handle life’s difficulties while respecting others. It grows from many experiences and even mistakes are sources of learning, not shame.

Four Components of Self- Esteem

1. Value – our personal assessment of our talents. Positive self-value will carry the child through tough times. When a child feels negative about who they are, they’ll avoid people and experiences that could remind them of failures. The child who feels shame –most devastating- is convinced their actions place them lower than low. These children are highly sensitive to comments from others. Sarcasm and criticism in even the mildest form may set off an explosive outburst.

1. Resilience – the confident child rises to the occasion, calling upon their resources to overcome a problem. The weak child fives up at the first sign of a challenge. They lack the confidence to stand up to stress so they stick with what works best – anger. The parent who does everything for a capable child it sending the message that they are not good enough to do it for themselves. The parent who gives the child the chance to try, even though the results are occasionally less than perfect, is sending the more optimistic message that work and practice eventually pay off.

1. Focus – As a child achieves goals, self-esteem soars. When a child fails, self-esteem suffers. A resilient child may try several activities until they find one they enjoy and can do well. The child without a goal to focus on gives up. The push toward a specific healthy focus can trigger anger when the goal doesn’t fit the child’s abilities. When family expectations exceed the child’s abilities, anger might be the defense. A child setting unachievable goals may face a frustrating future. If the healthy goals don’t lead to success, the child may seek out an unhealthy focus (rebellion, drugs, alcohol, poor grades – because they never criticize me…..) children with unhealthy goals find themselves fighting constantly against a disapproving society.

1. Integrity – the ability to deal honestly with oneself and others. The honest child has the benefit of objectivity, stepping back and assessing without distortion. This child can admit their faults and learn from them. They’ll also benefit from advice and constructive criticism. The dishonest child lies to themself, remaining in their own eyes the poor victim of another’s action even when they were clearly at fault. They’ll say their “lies” with conviction that they believe. Children lacking integrity will lie to impress friends being dishonest with them and with themselves. Dishonesty also preserves the self to avoid guilt. A child with good self-esteem can admit their failures and wrongdoings even if it’s painful. The angry child avoids this pain by rewriting history to cast themselves as the hero or the victim, not the perpetrator.

Four Home Environments that tend to produce The Angry Child

Read this with an open heart – look for patterns that may describe your home life. Two or more of these patterns are present in many families. Take solace in the fact that - If you are part of the problem, you have the power to be part of the solution!

1. Troubled Family – anger is the voice of pain – Stop the blame – teach forgiveness

Grieving family- emotional unavailable to one another

Addicted family- denial creates confusion and prevents problem solving

Mental Illness-struggle to understand parent’s behaviors and emotions

Marital Discord -child lashes out at the one they are closest to and the one they blame

1. Frantic Family – anger is the voice of stress- set aside quiet time for listening to one another

Overscheduled, overwhelmed, and under enormous stress

Lousy at setting the right priorities

1. Angry Family – anger is the voice of power - learn to manage your own anger-apologize!

Angry, critical, short-tempered adults or Silent refusal to communicate

Models anger - Enforces emotions rather than rules – anger gets attention and action

Child less concerned w/ honesty or communication, more w/keeping angry adult calm.

Respect is measured by how much you can intimidate

1. Indulging Family – anger is the voice of desire – teach responsibility - set limits

Can’t say “no” to child – especially when they get mad

Surrender – intimidated by child’s wrath

Confusion- don’t discipline, inadvertently reward angry mean behavior

Mistakenly feel anger is just a phase, NEED their child’s love

Indulged children never develop any tolerance for coping with stress

Spoiling – no responsibility or accountability, buy the latest fad child requests

Child learns anger gets you what you want – has difficulty understanding and empathizing with the feelings of others when raised to think only of self

Consult with your doctor - Anger CAN stem from medical problems – brain injury, neurological problems, blood sugar levels, medications, allergies or illness, chronic mood disorder, etc. Anger can also cause medical symptoms. When a child feels angry and doesn’t know what to do with that anger, it will gnaw at them and harm them in the form of tension, insomnia, lack of appetite, and headaches.

Signs to watch for when it may be a medical condition

Difficulty sleeping

Irritability

Sudden change in routine –such as withdrawal from activities the child previously enjoyed

Overly critical of self, speaks with little self-confidence – signs of feeling helpless

Withdrawal, perpetual boredom, or emptiness

When a child doesn’t have a strong reaction to upsetting events, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are handling the situation well. Showing neither sadness nor anger could be considered problematic