Supporting a friend or partner after sexual assault
If someone has told you that they’ve been raped or sexually assaulted, it’s likely to have been one of the hardest things they’ve ever had to say. It may have taken them weeks, months or even years to feel able to talk to anyone about what has happened.
Most people have little experience of helping someone through a traumatic event such as a sexual assault or rape, so it’s normal to feel unsure about what to do. What’s important is that you care enough about that person to want to help.
If your partner or friend has been sexually assaulted or raped, it will almost certainly have an impact on your relationship. There are things you can do to help you both get through this difficult time together.
For relatives, friends or partners, The Havens website hasadvice on what you can do to help someone who has been sexually assaulted. The advice includes:
- Don’t judge or blame the person for what happened: listen to them and don’t push them to tell you more details than they’re comfortable to give.
- Allow them to be in control: ask how you can help–you might have ideas about what they should or shouldn’t be doing, but it's important to allow them to come to their own decisions without feeling pressurised. You could help them find useful information, but don’t insist on them doing anything or speaking to anyone they don't want to–for example, asexual assault referral centre (SARC), the police, their GP or a support service (see below forwhere to get help after a rape or assault).
- Don’t take over: respect their decisions and never plan their recovery for them. Only they know how they feel, so it's important they’re allowed to recover at their own pace. Trust is important, so never break your promise of confidentiality.
- Listen and be patient: as well as listening, you need to remain patient. Try not to ask them about details of the assault, because they might not feel ready to talk about it. If they don’t feel ready to talk about their experience, you may suggest that they write it down to help them "let it out" and begin to make sense of what has happened to them.
- Give them space: knowing when to give someone space is essential. An important part of their healing process will be to take back a sense of control over their life, so allow them to do this. A person who’s been assaulted may find physical contact difficult and may not want to be touched, so you should respect their wishes.
- Be supportive: they may need your support for a long time.
You should also take care of yourself. If someone you know has been raped, you will probably be affected by it in some way–for example, you may feel upset, angry or helpless.
Talking to your GP or a counsellor can help you understand your own reaction to what has happened and allow you to support your friend better.
Emotional reactions
After a traumatic experience, it's normal for people to have difficult and distressing symptoms. Common symptoms include:
- replaying what happened in your mind
- feeling like it’s happening again (flashbacks)
- anxiety, including feeling panicky or jumpy
- anger and irritability
- sleep problems andnightmares
- avoiding doing things you previously enjoyed and withdrawing from friends and family
- depression and low mood
- shame and guilt
- blaming yourself
- behavioural changes: the person’s eating habits may change, they may be ill or have other physical symptoms
Following a sexual assault or rape, people will react in different ways. They may experience a variety of feelings and emotions for a long time after the assault. They may find thattalking to a counselloror clinical psychologist is helpful. However, only they will know when they’re ready to speak to a therapist, so don’t pressure them into it. Let them decide who they want to confide in.
Issues with intimacy
Many people don't want to be touched by or to be intimate after an assault. Ask your partner or friend what they do and don’t feel comfortable with and respect their wishes. If sexual difficulties last for a long time after an assault, you and your partner may want to consider seeing a psychosexual therapist. Speak to your GP or you could contact your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre, which can provide a range of confidential support and specialist services to people who have been affected by sexual violence
From NHS Choices