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Com 472

Winter 2015

Class 17

ENDING RELATIONSHIPS: REASONS & PROCESSES

I. COMMON REASONS THAT RELATIONSHIPS END

A. How many of you have…

1. …had a close relationship end in the past year? (you, the other, or both could have terminated it)

2. …know someone whose close relationship ended in the past year—know them well enough to have a sense of why it ended?

B. Reasons people give: (from Chapter 10, rounded & grouped)

Discussion questions:

1. Do any of the reasons surprise you?

2. Any important reasons missing?

3. What are the most striking differences between reasons for divorce and reasons for breakups?

4. Do you see any significant gender differences? What’s behind them?

Reasons for Divorce / Reasons for Dating Breakup
Reason / Women say: / Men say: / Reason / Women say: / Men say:
Infidelity / 25% / 16% / Woman’s interest in someone else / 40% / 31%
Man’s interest in someone else / 18 / 29
Incompatible / 19 / 20 / Differences in interests / 73 / 61
Differences in backgrounds / 44 / 47
Differences in intelligence / 20 / 10
Personality problems / 8 / 10
Grew apart / 10 / 9 / Woman desires independence / 74 / 50
Personal growth / 2 / 3 / Man desires independence / 47 / 61
Becoming bored with relationship / 77 / 77
Drinking / Drug use / 14 / 5
Physical / mental abuse / 9 / 0
Conflicting sexual attitudes / 48 / 43
Conflicting marriage ideas / 43 / 29
Interference from family / 2 / 3 / Pressure from woman’s parents / 18 / 13
Pressure from man’s parents / 10 / 9
Living too far apart / 28 / 41
Don’t know / 0 / 9

II. TAKING A COMMUNICATION PERSPECTIVE…

A. “Lack of communication”or communication problems” are often cited as reasons for termination. But:

1. Such broad reasons are not helpful – they don’t tell us what specifically was “lacking” in the communication.

2. As text points out, relationships break up for many reasons besides poor communication, examples include:

… not every problem is a communication problem

B. Four communication patterns associated with unsuccessful relationships:

1. Inability to talk in positive or neutral ways about issues that are central to the relationship.

2. Inability to handle conflict in positive ways (not amount of conflict, but how it is conducted)

3. Hostility and violence. (notadequately acknowledged in text).

4. Inability or unwillingness to adapt to partner’s way of managing stress and arousal.

a. Men –

b. Women –

c. Key lessons from these findings:

III. Sidetrip: Infidelity in Romantic Relationships

A. Nonscientific online poll of 100,000 people in 2011 the help of The Huffington Post, Reader's Digest, AARP, iVillage, & AOL

B. What proportion of people are unfaithful?

Men / Women
Ever Unfaithful / 33% / 19%
Just once / 23% / 17%
2-5 times / 33% / 36%
More than 5 times / 44% / 47%

C. Some other findings of interest…

1. The best defense is a good sexual offense:

  • 52% who are unsatisfied sexually say they’d be tempted, while only 17% of those who are satisfied do.
  • Sexual boredom was reason for infidelity given by 71% of men and 49% of women

2. But some people “just can’t help themselves.” 46% men, 19% women – age, length of marriage, happiness at home didn’t matter.

3. Beware the business trip: 36% of men, 13% of women gave into temptation on a business trip. (Happiness at home didn’t matter).

4. Beware the old flame: 21% of men and 32% of women gave in when an old flame or crush entered the scene. Highest in first 2-5 years

5. Beware of friends: 45% of men and 26% of women say they are tempted by their partners’ friends.

IV. THE PROCESS OF ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP.

A. Researcher Steve Duck has identified four pages relationships go through as they come apart…

V. NOW LET’S WALK BACK THROUGH THOSE STAGES AGAIN – BUT THIS TIME LET’S ASK HOW EACH STAGE PLAYS OUT FOR PEOPLE WHO USE TODAY’S TECHNOLOGIES OF CONNECTION: TEXTING, MOBILES, E-MAIL, FACEBOOK…

VI. THE TWO FACES OF RELATIONSHIP ENDINGS…

A. Ex-partners usually have different perspectives on why the relationship ended.

1. In one early study, Weiss asked divorced couples to explain what was behind their divorce.

a. Had each couple give their perspective in the form of a story.

b. Then asked people who didn’t know the couple to identify which stories went together. That is, couple they figure out who had been married to whom based on the stories.

c. They couldn’t. Ex-spouses stories were so different that outside observers couldn’t put them back together properly.

2. What we don’t know is whether this reflects a gender difference or a more general divergence of perspectives between separating partners.

a. Could be a more general difference between the “leaver” and the “left”

b. What could you do to find out? Let’s design a study…

3. We do know there are some gender differences in perspectives when relationships end.

a. Differences in who initiates: Women more likely to end dating relationship, to file for divorce.

b. Discuss: Why? Reasons? (see p. 347)

VI. A CLOSER LOOK AT DISENGAGEMENT STRATEGIES….

(Mike Cody’s research, see pp. 357-360)

A. When the relationship is less intimate, partners tend to end it through:

1. Avoidance

2. Not discussing relational concerns or problems

B. When the relationship is more intimate and when the partners’ social network overlapped more, partners tend to:

1. Affirm positive aspects of the relationship

2. Express regret and desire to avoid hard feelings

3. Use de-escalation strategies to express concerns about the relationship not working (e.g., not meeting needs, being honest, being too dependent)

C. When the problems in the relationship were seen as partner’s fault, people tended to:

1. Provide the partner with more detailed justifications for ending the relationship

2. Avoid mentioning positive aspects of the relationship or expressing regret.

D. When the person felt constrained or hemmed in by the relationship, he or she was:

1. More likely to use negative identity management strategies that implied both partners would be better off if they disengaged. (

Negative identity management – preventing others from limiting your freedom of action and choice.

2. More likely to express regret (“positive tone”) and provide detailed justifications.