RAT RACE – film transcript
Chapter 1
Song
Well, I wake up in the mornin'
Each and everyday
And I sit down at the table and I hear my daddy say
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a slap in the face
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a fat rat race
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Every night I have a dream
That you're takin' off your dress
The only thing you're wearin' is a button on your chest
And the button it says nothin'
Life is nothin' but a slap in the face
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a fat rat race
What is life
A rat race, a rat race
What is life
A rat race, a rat race
A rat race, a rat-rat race
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
It's a jungle out there and I know I don't belong
So all night long I just sing my stupid song
Get a body out in the rat, in the race
Get a body out in the rat
To the sound of the storm comin' strictly from
the B-A-H-A M-E-N
Life ain't nothin' but a big rat race
Life ain't nothin' but a big rat race
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a slap in the face
Life is nothin' It's a nothin'
Life is nothin' but a fat rat race
- Hi. I'm checking out. 14322.
- Mr. Schaffer?
- That's me.
- I have a bill right here.
- Great. Thank you.
- How was your luck last night?
- I don't-- I didn't gamble. I was here for a friend's bachelor party. I guess he's the gambler. Excuse me, what's this $ 110?
- Those are your in-room movies.
- I didn't watch any movies.
- Okay, let's see. Afro Whores.
- Afro Whores?
- You watched it-- let's see - 11times.Afro Whores, 2:30, Afro Whores, 4 o´clock, Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes... and then switched back over to Afro Whores.
- I swear I didn't watch it. I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.
- This is not a record, sir.
- It's a delete.
- OK, fine. How many times did you watch it?
- None! I didn't watch it.
- Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action... featuring two sexy soul sisters--"
- I don't need to know what it's about. I did not watch it…. I didn't.
(Drove and Chipper Jones struck out in that key situation. He's for lost three straight games. This month he has a one-game winning streak.)
- Miss? Miss, can I have another one of these, please? ... Oh, sorry. I thought you were a woman.
- I am a woman.
- You know, you look kind of familiar.
- Yeah, you do.
- You know, I get that all the time. I guess I just have one of those faces.
- And now for our loser of the week. This week it's a no-brainer.
- Referee Owen Templeton made the biggest bonehead call... in the history of football. Everyone remembers what happened last Sunday at Dallas with the score tied at 10. They were headed towards overtime. Everything was cool. They were about to toss the coin to see who would kick off.
- Dallas, call it in the air. - Tails.
- That's heads. - That was tails.
- No. It's-- - That was tails.
No-- Wait! Hang on! It's-- Now, what did I say?
- Tails! - It's tails.
- It's heads. - What are you doin'? You saw--
- Okay, little brother, just be cool. ... Just be cool. ... Okay, this is it. See that glass? Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest.
- I might "eak" my neck.
- True. You could break your neck. It's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Why don't "oo" do it?
- Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim... and one of us needs to be the witness. What kind of witness would you make? I'm your own brother and I don't know what you're sayin'. ... How's your tongue? Let me see it.
- How's it look?
- It looks good. It looks much better. ... Okay, here we go. ... We're on Candid Camera, so make it look good.
- Excuse me. I'm a lawyer. Gloria Allred. What the hell happened here?
- She slipped on that glass.
- Those arrogant jerks. They're gonna pay for this. They´re gonna pay through the nose. ... How's your neck? I've never seen such negligence. ... This is going to be huge.
Chapter 2
- She's an angel.
- What a cute little face. Would you look at those cheeks?
- She's absolutely beautiful.
- She has your eyes.
- It's the only picture I have of her. It's all worn out 'cause I'm always looking at it.
- You haven't seen her for 7 years?
- Not till today.
- She just called you out of the blue?
- No, I found her. I hired a detective. I spent all my money. Now we're going to meet. ... You think she'll recognize me?
- Of course she will, won't she?
- Yeah.
- She will.
- Vera Baker.
- My baby--
- Excuse me. I have to take this.
- This is Merrill. …No! That's unacceptable! Listen, tell Warren, if we don't ship by Tuesday, we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day. That's unacceptable, so don't give me any excuses, and do it! Do it! Just shut up and get it done!
- Oh, honey, you broke your phone.
- It's okay. I carry extras.
- Why don't we sit down?
- Yes.
- You probably have a thousand questions for me. I was young. I didn't tell anybody I was pregnant. And I felt I could handle it at the time.
- Hi. Do you think you gals could pull yourselves together and bring us a drink?
- Yeah. Sure.
- Sure. What would you like?
- Mimosa.
- They both want a mimosa.
- So, you sell cosmetics?
- Yeah. I have my own company. And we're going public.
- And you're not married?
- Lucianne said you wouldn't.
- Who?
- Lucianne. She's my psychic. She's the one who told me to come look for you. She said you needed me.
- She did?
- She said you were lonely... and that you were worried about money and that you had trouble sleeping.
- Who the hell isn't?
- See? I told you we didn't need a bellman.
- Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy. You avoided another tip.
- Those nickels and dimes add up, my dear.
- I call this bed!
- Hey, no fair.
- You got to pick last night.
- Go to hell, Jason.
- Make me.
- Hey, language, please.
- Bev, his and her bathrobes.
- Yes.
- Look at that view.
- Yeah.
- Nice view.
- Okay, honey. Why don't you unpack?
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna go look around.
- Wait, wait, wait. You're not going to the casino?
- No, no, of course not. You know, I just drove from the Grand Canyon. Gotta stretch my legs.
- You swore to me on your mother's eyes we are here to see David Copperfield. No gambling.
- No gambling. I'm just lookin' around. In fact, I'm gonna go to the gift shop. See you guys later.
- I can jump farther than you.
- I can jump farther.
- No way. Watch.
- That's gotta hurt. Honey, kids need ya.
- Hey, Nick. Nicky!
- Hey.
- You're not leaving?
- I'm in court on Tuesday.
- No, you're not.
- I work for people who are in court on Tuesday.
- You pussy. You can't leave. It's still goin' on up there.
- Richie, I have to. I've had two hours sleep.
- Steve Cunningham just got another stripper. You gotta see this one.
- She's incredible.
- I got to get back.
- No, you don't, Nick. I know you, man. You're scared. You're scared it's gonna get out of control up there. Someday you'll be up for attorney general and it'll come back to haunt you.
- I'm not having this conversation.
- You didn't even gamble.
- Not one quarter. That's no way to live.
- In fact, that ain't even livin'. It's hiding.
- I'm not hiding from anything.
- Oh, no? Okay, then prove it. Do something, anything. Break one rule. Here. Look. Nick, a paper. Come on. Take it. Take it. Come on, Nick. Take it.
- I have a plane to catch, okay? I'll see you in Chicago.
- Oh, look, I won! I won!
Look at the money comin' down.
Look. Look, look, look. What's-- What's--
"You're a winner. See guest services."
What? A dollar?
Come on, baby. Come on!
Come on.
We won!
- We won one. - What is this? This isn't money.
That's the prize? A free buffet?
Actually, it's not a buffet. It's a special reception at 10 o´clock in the penthouse conference room. Where a spectacular... once-in-a-lifetime opportunity awaits you." That's all I know.
- What do you think? - I think it's some kind of scam.
Good! A scam! We'll do it.
- I'll need to see some I.D. - Okay.
There. I gambled.
Chapter 3
Family vacation, huh? These are the moments you got to savor, am I right? They'll never come around again. - Exactly.
Excuse me. Do you know what's going on?
Free grub. That's what's going on.
This room is fabulous.
- Excuse me. Does anybody know what we're doin’ here? - Beats me.
Oh, my God. You should sue somebody.
I did it myself.
- What? – Said he did it himself. Sent away for a kit.
I knew I recognized you. You're the referee-- the bonehead.
That's just the media blowing it out of proportion.
My hairdresser's husband lost $ 800 because of you.
- Everybody thinks we flip quarters. - Can I have a picture with you?
It's really a commemorative coin. Look.
- Smile. - Please. You--
Am I too late? Look. I won a coin. A gold coin. Isn't this wonderful? Look at this room. What a beautiful room. Have you seen this room?
Yes! We're in it.
I am Enrico Pollini.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Enrico is a girl's name.
- No, I wasn't. - No pun intended.
- What pun is that? - Food. Look at all this food.
What a beautiful party. Little cockdoggies.
They're called cocktail wienies.
Wienies. I'm so sorry. My English is not so good. But I'm learning.
That's it. Vera. We're outta here.
-I want to say good-bye. Bye, y'all. -Excuse me.
Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair. I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement of this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it´ll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet. … I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.
A joke. He made a joke.
Do sit down, please. Merrill, you and your mother can sit over here.
- How do you know she's my mother? - Alas, there are no secrets anymore. Actually, that's not quite true. There is one secret, one last secret. It involves all of you.
- I'm getting goose pimples. - Hey--
Ah, Mr. Schaffer!
Curiosity got the better of you, eh? Come and sit down.
- I'm fine. Thanks. - You haven't missed anything. We were just cutting to the chase… Cutting to the chase. Well, you'll laugh later. Now, as you know, the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs... or hitting the state lottery are astronomical-- millions to one. A serious person doesn't even bother, but today... you have the chance of playing a game... where the odds of winning are one in six. One in six.
It's one throw... of the dice. …This is my attorney, Mr. Grisham. who tragically was born without a personality. Mr. Grisham is insisting that anyone who wishes to participate in our little experiment.should sign this waiver, absolving the casino from responsibility or damages... personal liability, blah, blah, blah.
So, who do you like, Claude?
The young woman in the black coat. She looks desperate.
Yes, but she has her mother with her.
- That could slow her down, hmm? - Perhaps.
Now, 563 miles from here is a little town called Silver City, New Mexico.
- Gold rush. - Quite right, Nick.
Yes, they struck gold there in 1860. It was the second largest gold rush in American history.
Very good, Nick. I think Nick should be our captain.
In downtown Silver City, there's a train station. As you go in the front door, there's some lockers on the right. Mr. Grisham, do you have the keys? Six identical keys. They all open the same locker.
That's locker 001. Inside the locker is a red duffel bag. Inside the red duffel bag is $2 million. In cash, fifties and hundreds, makes a pile about so big. First one there keeps it all. I put transmitting devices in your key rings so that I can keep track of you. And that's it. Go.
-You just can't pick people at random.
- I can do anything I like, Owen. I'm eccentric. Go!
-Wait, wait. So, it's like a race?
-A race. It's a race. I hope I win.
-What are the rules?
There's only one rule. Are you ready? Here it is. There are no rules. Go… Go!
So now when you say, "Go," you mean just go?
Begin, commence, start moving. Theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds. So far, Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.
-You're crazy!
A race! A race! You have to pace yourself. Carbohydrate is important. Pasta is good. Breathing is important. Scusi. One--
It's some sort of joke. It has to be.
What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?
Maybe it's a publicity stunt.
What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.
-Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt. -A secret publicity stunt?
Yes!
I don't know what his angle is, but there's always an angle. Donald Sinclair-- People like him make millions of dollarseveryday playing people like us for chumps. - I'm nobody's chump.
- So you don't believe--
11:30 nonstop to Chicago. I'm gonna be on it.
You know what? He's right. I'm not cuttin' short my first family vacation in three years to go on some half-assed wild goose chase.
Okay, so, you're not goin' for it?
I don't think so.
- Not me, no. - No. Great.
- I guess that's that, huh? - Right.
It was nice meetin' y'all. I'm gonna take the stairs. My room's just two floors down, so nice meetin' ya.
Hey, have a nice vacation.
You know, it's probably stuck. I think I'm gonna take the stairs too.
Crap.
Chapter 4
- Go, go, go, go! - Come on, Vera!
- Watch out!
- Comin' through!
- Hold the door, please.
- Take your time. No rush.
- Get up! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- This is crazy. Listen if we're all gonna go for it, why don't we go for it together? You know, split the money fifty fifty.
- Fifty-fifty? - You know what I mean. Whatever.
- Yes, yes, that's a good plan.
- It's a race. It's a race… I'm winning. I'm winning.
- And they're off!
No one- no one is offering you action like this. A horse race with animals that can think and plan and lie and cheat and play dirty. It's the gambling experience of a lifetime. It's my way of saying I understand men like you. I know what you want. I know what you need. This casino - my casino - is where you belong.
- I got it!
- Excuse me!
- To the airport. - You got it.
We're out the door. I don't see you. Where are you?
I forgot to tip the maid.
- Forget the maid. There he is!
Come on! Let's go!
Okay, okay.
- Bev, this is a real job! I swear!
- What is it?
- The job? What's the job?
- Ink for fountain pens.
- And they're in New Mexico?
- Silver City, New Mexico.
- I love New Mexico. Honey, we'll go with you.
- No!
Why not?
- Because we've already paid for the room. Now look who's wasting money.
- No no no. This was your idea to stop here, ok. I don't care about David Copperfield. This is our family vacation. We'll go with you.
- But you don't understand—
- Wait, we will go with you!
- Fine.
- Yes!
- Fine. Fine. Here. Call the bellman. Have him bring the van around. You happy? You happy? - Okay.
- Scusi. Scusi. I'm in a race. Scusi. Scusi. It's a race.
- What is he doing?
- I think he's sleeping.
- Sleeping?
- He must be narcoleptic.It's a rare sleeping disorder.
- But I bet on him!
- So did I. Two million dollars.
- I'm sorry, gentlemen. All the bets are locked in.
Sleeping! Sleeping!
- Look out!
- Don't tell me how to drive!
- It's only yellow. It's only yellow. Run it!
- Where's my video game?
- Seat belts, seat belts everyone.
- Honey, what is the rush?
- I don’t wanna be late. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
- You're not just a travel agent, Roger. You're an angel. There's one charter plane available in Las Pegas and we just bagged it.
- Back to pass.
- Get rid of it.
- Looks to his left.
- Get rid of it. Throw the ball! That's why you're not gonna get drafted! You'll be lucky to play arena football in Barcelona! You like football?
- Sure.
- Did you happen to catch that Dallas game last week? You can’t really call it a game. It was an obscenity. It was a crime against football. I lost 20 grand on that game! And they would have won! Now I gotta work two shifts because of that idiot! I mean, Stevie Wonder could have done a better job calling that game.