Pizza and Promises
[Fraser's apartment]
Ray : Twenty-nine minutes.
Fraser : Wouldn't it have been easier to order it from the place across the street?
Ray : Fraser, there are hundreds of places that make pizza. What I am looking for here is the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
Fraser: Which is?
Ray: Free. And that's exactly what this'll be in 34 seconds. There is no way he can get a pizza here from Michigan Avenue in under a half hour.
Fraser: You mean you're using some promotional ploy in order to get something for nothing?
Ray: Welcome to the United States of America, Fraser.
Fraser: Well, it just doesn't seem fair, Ray. I mean, if you don't pay for them, somebody has to.
Ray: Again, welcome to my country.
[knock knock knock]
Ray : Drop the pizza, kid. You're late.
Lenny: Oh, you're one of those guys. Uh, listen, I couldn't find the building, I am 10 seconds late, your pizza's obviously ruined...
Ray: Don't give me sarcasm. Just the pie.
Lenny: Look, I go back without thirteen-fifty, I get fired. I just got this job. I need this job. Come on, guys, cut me a break, will ya?
Fraser: Here's for my half, Ray.
Ray: Your half? What are you doing? You believe this sob story?
Lenny: Come on. I'm blocking the alley.
Ray: Okay, fine. But next time, punk-- [loud noises from alley]
Lenny: Oh no! My car. They got my car!
Ray : Repo?
Lenny: I just bought it.
Fraser: Diefenbaker. Follow it. Excuse me.
[he jumps out the window, then runs across roofs until he jumps onto Lenny's still-moving car]
Fraser: Please stop immediately! This is not your automobile!
[the car turns a corner & Fraser is tossed off the top]
Fraser: I'm okay. [Dief takes off after the speeding car] Dief. Dief! Diefenbaker! [takes off after the speeding wolf]
Lenny: Hey! Hey! That's my car!
Fraser: Ray! Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him!
Ray: Hey! Stop! Halt!
Fraser: Stop him!
Ray: Unmush! Unmush!
Fraser: Where's your car?
Ray : Lot B. You ought to get that dog a hearing aid!
Fraser: It's my mistake. I never should have sent him.
Ray: He'll come back.
Fraser: No, he won't. He won't stop until he catches it.
Ray: And if they don't stop?
Fraser: He'll die trying.
[Fraser's apartment]
Ray: Got a stolen car, 221 East Racine, 1977 green Comet... Yeah. Robert-Charles-William-one-three-nine...Yeah, you do that.
Lenny: Look if I don't find that car, I lose my job.
Ray: I called it in. [pays] There you go, kid.
Lenny: A lot of good this is gonna do me.
Ray: Hey, call your insurance broker. You do have insurance, don't you?
Lenny: Oh yeah, I do. I spent the last of my inheritance on it.
Fraser: Well, the police have a description of the car, so the thieves couldn't have gotten far.
Lenny: Right now, my car's in some garage being torn up for parts. By morning it'll be spread over six states and the frame will be rusting in Lake Michigan.
Ray: Earlier career choice, kid?
Lenny: They like to teach you a trade in juvie.
Ray: Let the punk go.
Fraser: He needs help, Ray.
Ray: Hey there's still a few people in this neighborhood without a criminal record. Why don't you try to help one of them? [goes to exit, then comes back for a slice of pizza]
[on street]
Fraser: Lenny!
Ray: He doesn't want our help. Can't you respect that?
Fraser: This is my neighborhood, Ray. It makes it my responsibility.
Ray: Yeah, well, it's not my neighborhood.
Fraser: No. Quite right. It's not. Lenny! Lenny, I will find your car.
Lenny: How?
Fraser: I have a friend on the case already.
Lenny: What, the wolf?
Fraser: It's his neighborhood, too.
Lenny: Yeah. I'll hold my breath. [stalks off]
[in Riv]
Fraser: That's odd.
Ray: What's that?
Fraser: Oh, it's probably nothing.
Ray: Oh no, I am not getting involved in this one, Fraser. Unlike you I refuse to feel guilty about something beyond my control.
Fraser: No, I understand, Ray. I understand fully.
Ray: Good. I mean the kid should have got insurance. I'm not going to turn Chicago upside down just to justify your twisted sense of honor.
Fraser: Well, I don't expect you to. Every individual must follow their own moral code.
Ray: What's that supposed to mean?
Fraser: Just what I said, Ray. You're right. You have no responsibility here. Look, why don't you just let me off and you can go home.
Ray: Fine.
Fraser: Thanks.
Ray: I'm going!
Fraser: Goodnight, Ray.
[Vecchio pulls off, then backs up]
Ray: Forty-seven thousand cars are stolen each year in the city. How are you going to find one?
Fraser: I don't think you want to know, Ray.
Ray: You're right. I don't. Goodnight!
Fraser: Goodnight.
[Vecchio pulls off, then backs up]
Ray: Okay. How?
Fraser: When the Inuit go fishing, Ray, they don't look for the fish.
Ray: I hate myself! [gets out & stands beside Fraser] So what do they look for?
Fraser: The blue heron.
Ray: You're kidding me, right?
Fraser: No, I'm not, Ray.
Ray: And where might we find this legendary bird?
Fraser: We begin by asking the people who'd know.
[sidewalk, now on foot]
Ray: [muttering] One pizza. That's all I wanted was one lousy Chicago-style deep dish pizza. [sigh] Excuse me, have you seen a 1977 green Comet followed by a white wolf?
Street Person: Today?
Ray: Yes, of course today!!
Street Person: Nope.
Ray: That's it. That's it. I'm done. I'm not asking any more bums for you.
Fraser: Thank you, ma'am. Ray, these are the people of the streets. This is their home. And you notice when things are out of place in your home. (sniff)
Ray: Oh yeah, they notice things. They notice green cars, white wolves and pink elephants. This is getting us nowhere.
Fraser: It got us here.
Ray: Oh, this is a place we want to be?
Fraser: I think I'm picking up his trail. (sniff) Good boy, Diefenbaker.
Ray: You can smell him?
Fraser: Well, not him exactly. [kneels & sniffs a tree trunk]
Ray: Oh no! You're sniffing piddle!
Fraser: Each lupus has it's own unique scent. That's how they mark their territory.
Ray: Yeah, it stinks.
Fraser: Oh yes.
Ray: You mean to tell me he peed all the way from here to the Loop?
Fraser: Well, he isn't relieving himself. He's marking a trail.
[another street; Fraser is sniffing things]
Ray : First dirt-tasting, now piddle-sniffing. I don't want to be around when you start listening to dung.
Street Person2: Fraser's looking for his dog again.
Street Person3: Yep.
[the next block; Fraser sniffs, then quickly goes back the way they came]
Ray : Where are you going?
Fraser: Stupid rookie mistake.
Ray: What do you mean?
Fraser: These last two blocks, I've been tracking a Lhasa Apso.
Ray: You've been tracking a Lhasa Apso?
Fraser: I know. If word of this gets back to the Territories, I'll never live it down.
Ray: Mounties can be so cruel.
Fraser: You can't imagine. Evening, Jerome.
Ray : Hey, Jesse. (sniff) (sniff) I don't smell anything. (sniff)
<Doh Mah>
[morning; they crest a hill]
Fraser : Ray! (sniff) This is it.
Ray: What?
Fraser: He's here. (sniff)
Ray: Where?
Fraser: (sniff) (sniff) Right there.
[Dief is sitting beside a yellow Comet in a used car lot]
Ray: Markle's Used Cars? This is where the kid bought the car! Your dumb animal tracked it backwards.
Fraser: Good dog. Good boy.
Ray: Yeah brilliant. Not only is he deaf, he's colorblind.
Fraser: This is the car.
Ray: What do you mean this is the car? This car is bright yellow. The kids car was lime green. And his VIN number isn't even close.
Fraser: No scratches on the lock. No sign of a break in. They must have used a key.
Ray: Of course they used a key. It's their car.
Fraser: When I was on Lenny's car, my button accidentally scratched the paint. Now I've just taken a second sample from the wheel well.
Ray: Oh yeah, very pretty.
Fraser: They are identical. Except that this one has a fresh coat of yellow paint.
Ray: You're right. It's still tacky. This is the car.
Fraser: Do you think we can get forensics down here?
Ray: No need. I'll have this puppy impounded in less than an hour.
[Dief grumbles]
[27th precinct]
Welsh: Different plates, different color, different vehicle identification number. Am I getting the picture?
Ray: Uh, yes, sir, but--
Welsh: And all of them are legit.
Ray: Apparently so, yes sir--
Fraser: Detective Vecchio also has a source that corroborates his theories.
Welsh: And that would be?
Ray: His wolf, sir?
Welsh: Ah. Unfortunately wolves are such notoriously bad witnesses. In my experience, they tend to fold under cross-examination. Gentlemen. The State's Attorney has just enough man power to prosecute a small fraction of the cases we bring to them. You can understand how I would hate to ask them to prosecute a case in which we have no evidence at all.
Fraser: Leftenant, Lenny Milano is a decent young man. He's on parole and he's trying to turn his life around. I'm afraid if I told him there's nothing you can do for him--
Welsh: Is he a friend of yours?
Fraser: No, sir.
Welsh: He's a relative.
Fraser: No. He delivered a pizza to my apartment at Detective Vecchio's request.
Welsh: Oh, you ordered the pizza.
Ray: It did not seem like a mistake at the time, sir.
Welsh: Right. Just like bringing this case to me probably didn't seem like a mistake at the time.
Ray: Yes, sir.
[Welsh gives them a look... Vecchio & Fraser leave]
Ray: My theory.
Fraser: Well, I was just trying to give you credit, Ray.
Ray: Okay. I did my good deed. I embarrassed myself to the fullest extent of the law for you. Now can I go back to work?
Fraser: Well, of course. You did all you could. Thank you, Ray. [exits]
Ray: Damn, he's as bad as his dog!
[juvenile detention yard; basketball game]
Fitz: Hey, Milano! What's with the Mountie? Steal some maple syrup? We missed you, Lenny! Aw, did we hurt your feelings? Ya know, you gotta toughen up, boy. You don't know what personal hardships you'll run into the next time I get my hands on you.
Lenny: Anytime, Fitz. Anytime.
Fits: Looking forward to seeing you, Lenny.
Fraser: Is that young man expecting to be released soon?
Lenny: No, he's expecting me to come back here. Everybody comes back.
Fraser: Not everybody, Lenny.
Lenny: Yeah.
[PO's office]
Parole Officer : So, a Mountie. What you do Lenny, steal some maple syrup? [laughs]
Lenny: No, sir.
Fraser: I came to vouch for the boy, sir.
Parole Officer: And what does he need vouching for?
Lenny: My car got stolen.
Parole Officer: No problem.
Lenny: I might be out of a job for a while.
Parole Officer: Problem.
Lenny : Sir--
Parole Officer : Condition 12B of your early release. You maintain employment.
Fraser: Well, I'm sure he'll be able to find alternative employment in no time.
Parole Officer: It says maintain not re-obtain. Milano has to stick with the job he already has.
Fraser: Well he can't deliver pizzas without a car, sir.
Parole Officer: Sorry. Them's the rules. Lose your job, lose your freedom.
[27th precinct]
Ray: You wanna go undercover.
Fraser: Well I admit, I'm not as familiar with the art of subterfuge as you are, Ray. But it appears to be an inside job, and I can't see any other way to gather sufficient evidence.
Ray: Okay, so what would your cover be?
Fraser: Ah. my cover. Well. I thought I'd present myself as a chance passerby. Naturally I'd start by removing my hat and any identifying symbols from the uniform.
Ray: Well, that would be good, because your hat just might give you away.
Fraser: Exactly. That's exactly what I felt. And then what I thought I would do, is I would stroll onto the lot, and I would introduce myself to the employees, and I would ask a few informal questions.
Ray: Such as?
Fraser: [consults a paper] Does anyone here know the whereabouts of a stolen lime green Comet?
[Vecchio nods]
Fraser: Anyone seen a stolen car?
[Vecchio nods]
Fraser: Any stolen cars around here?
[Vecchio chuckles]
Fraser: Oh! If you've seen a stolen car, please raise your hand!
Ray: Okay! Let's go.
Fraser: Oh, did I say something wrong?
Ray: No, no, no, no, not at all, Benny.
Fraser : No, I said something wrong.
Ray : No, no, no! Just follow me.
Fraser : Okay.
Elaine: You're very good.
Fraser: [puts on hat, looking smug] Thank you.
[they exit]
[across the street from Tex Markle's Used Cars]
Fraser: How do I look?
Ray: Button. [Fraser unbuttons his red sport jacket] Rule number one of undercover work. If you don't believe it, they don't believe it. We're not pretending to be used car salesmen, we are used car salesmen
Fraser: I understand.
[passerby throws paper on the ground]
Fraser : Excuse me, uh-- [gives up & throws the waste away himself]
Ray: Fraser, you're a car salesman!
Fraser: Well, I understand that, Ray. I've done this before, you know.
Ray: Oh, really?
Fraser: Yes. When I was a young scout working on my ecology badge, I insinuated myself into a hunting party in order to catch a baby seal killer.
Ray: So what happened?
Fraser: Well, I was clubbed repeatedly, Ray.
[lot]
Tex: Gentleman! Welcome to Tex Markle's Preowned Automobiles. I'm Tex Markles. What can I do for you?
Ray: It's what we can do for you. Roy Vinner. I'd like you to meet my partner, Billy Bob Fraser. Maybe you've heard of him. Billy Bob sold more cars than anyone in the state of Texas last year!
Tex: No kidding. Is that true, son?
Fraser: No.
Tex. Huh. That's what I like. An honest man. Most people come here give me a line of bull trying to convince me they're something they're not. But I'll tell you, I'm a little short-handed right now. You see that old lady over there?