Myths About Forgiveness
Look at what a professor of psychology at HopeCollege says: "Forgiving doesn't mean ignoring an injustice or letting someone treat you badly. Remember that it's not a wimp's response. It takes a strong, courageous effort to make that move. Letting go of your grudges takes a great deal of moral muscle." (Charlotte vanOyen Wilvliet, quoted in Zest Magazine, (UK) October 2000.) Professor vanOyen Wilvliet's study, "Embodied Forgiveness: Empirical Studies of Cognitive Emotional & Physical Dimensions of Forgiveness-related Responses" was approved for Campaign for Forgiveness Research funding.
Forgiveness is not about glossing over wrongs.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu: "Forgiveness is taking seriously the awfulness of what has happened when you are treated unfairly. Forgiveness is not pretending that things are other than the way they are."
Forgiveness is not amnesia.
"Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. It is about healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it." Dr. Ken Hart, as quoted in Zest Magazine (UK), October 2000. The offense will still be part of your history, but it does not have to dominate your life.
Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, or excusing: forgiveness does not remove consequences.
Pope John Paul II forgave his intended assassin in a face-to-face encounter. The individual remains in prison where he can do no further harm.
Forgiveness does not have to include reconciliation; forgiveness is not the same as trusting.
The injured party can forgive an offender even though the offender may never (or for safety sake, must never) be a part of his or her life in the future.
"Forgiveness is not a magic trick that allows us to control other people."
Robert D. Enright, PhD.
Even if you change, the other person may not. Each person has free will.
Take Steps to Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is not a quick fix." cautions Robert D. Enright, PhD. He has also written that "Forgiveness is a matter of a willed change of heart, the successful result of an active endeavor..."
Forgiveness is hard work. If you have decided to make the choice to forgive, here are some guidelines that have proven useful.
"Guideposts for Forgiving"
Robert D. Enright, PhD in his book Forgiveness is a Choice describes a systematic way to work toward forgiveness. The following material is adapted from Dr. Enright's work. As you consider each step, you are working toward forgiving.
Phase 1 - Uncovering Your Anger
Have you faced your anger?
Are you afraid to expose your shame or guilt?
Has your anger affected your health?
Are you obsessed with the injury or the offender?
Do you compare your situation with that of the offender?
Has the injury changed your life or your worldview?
Phase 2 - Deciding to Forgive
Decide that what you have been doing has not worked.
Be willing to begin the forgiveness process.
Decide to forgive.
Phase 3 - Working on Forgiveness
Work toward understanding.
Work toward compassion.
Acknowledge your pain and let it be.
Do an act of kindness toward the offender, or to honor your decision.
Phase 4 - Discovering Release from Emotional Prison
Discover the meaning of suffering.
Discover your own need for forgiveness.
Discover that you are not alone.
Discover the purpose of your life.
Discover the freedom of forgiveness.
Number one, forgiveness is not just forgetting. Forgiving does not mean one
instantly forgets the hurt caused by another person. Though the forgiver fails to forget the
offense, he has not failed to forgive. Forgiveness means letting go of the past, moving on
with life in order to focus on other things.11
Misconception number two is “forgiveness does not necessarily mean that the
other person was right.” “You can forgive . . . even if what he did was wrong . . . even if
you did nothing wrong.”12
The third misconception is that some may feel forgiving means all the pain will
instantly vanish. Forgiveness of traumatic events means moving out of denial, deciding to
face intense emotions, sharing with others, becoming vulnerable, getting help and feeling
the pain gradually ease.
Fourthly, forgiveness does not mean the offender controls the offended. Control is
a critical component used by some offenders. Forgiveness means letting go of the event
and taking control of the emotional situation.
PROCESSES FOR FORGIVENESS
Everett L. Worthington proposes the Pyramid Model of Forgiveness. He uses the
acrostic R.E.A.C.H. to circumvent avoidance and withdrawal from “a person who has
hurt us, as well as the anger, desire for revenge, and urge to retaliate again that person.
Forgiveness also increases the pursuit of conciliation toward that person if moral norms
can be reestablished that are as good as, or even better than, they were before the hurt.”25
The Pyramid Model of Forgiveness is made up of five steps:
1. Recall the hurt,
2. Emphathize with the one who hurt you,
3. (offer the) Altruistic gift of forgiveness,
4. (make a) Commitment to forgive,
5. Hold onto the forgiveness.26
Worthington supports the notion that in an intervention, “. . . anything done to
promote forgiveness has little impact unless substantial time is spent at helping
participants think through and emotionally experience their forgiveness.”
Markman and his co-authors cite seven steps to forgiveness which will keep the
situation safe and the process structured.29
1. Schedule a meeting to discuss the problem issue. Set aside time when the
parties are at their best, not when they are tired or stressed.
2. Set an agenda. Identify the problem, determine when to work on it,
prepare an agenda for working toward forgiveness.
3. Explore the pain and problems. Have an open, caring conversation about
what happened and how it affected both parties. “Talking about such difficult issues
requires safety and respect.” Listen carefully.
4. The offending party requests forgiveness. Having listened, the offender
will realize why the other person felt hurt. The offender may not agree that he did
anything wrong. “Apologizing and asking for forgiveness are a large part of taking
responsibility.” Although it will be difficult it is crucial in restoring the relationship.
5. The person who has been hurt agrees to forgive. “Making this intention
clear give weight to the decision and makes both accountable” for restoring the
relationship.
6. The offended commits to changing damaging behavioral patterns or
attitudes. This step is needed only if there is a specific recurring problem or issue.
28 Everett L. Worthington Jr. Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling (Downers
Grove: Intervarsity Press, 1999), 62-3.
29 Markman, 217-220.
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7. Move forward. As healing and restoration take place leave the event
behind. As a team, get beyond it.
In The Purpose-Driven Life, Rick Warren suggests, perhaps inadvertently, what
this writer believes can be adapted as a biblical process of forgiveness and reconciliation
in families. Warren proposes seven biblical steps to seeking forgiveness and restoration
in the context of a church community of faith.30 These steps in restoring relationships
would not replace needed interventions in dealing with deep hurts (as outlined by
Worthington’s research or Sledge’s work on dysfunctional families of origin).
1. Talk to God before talking to the person. Ventilate with God rather than
others, i.e. gossip.
2. Always take the initiative. God expects you to make
the first move whether you are the offender or the offended. Delay
deepens resentment and causes hurt to become bitterness. Acting in a
timely way creates spiritual damage control.
3. Sympathize with their feelings. Begin by focusing on feelings rather
than facts, sympathy (or empathy) rather than solutions. “It is a sacrifice to patiently
absorb the anger of others, especially if [we feel] it is unfounded.”
4. Confess your part of the conflict. Begin by admitting your own mistakes.
“Confession is a powerful for reconciliation.”
5. Attack the problem, not the person. “How you say it is as important as
what you say.” By a soft answer wrath is turned away, but a bitter word is a cause of
angry feelings. Proverbs 15:1 (Bible in Basic English)
30 Warren, 154-8.
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6. Cooperate as much as possible. Seeking peace and forgiveness is not easy.
It may cost pride and self-centeredness resulting in humility toward the other person.
7. Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. “Reconciliation focuses on the
relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem.” “Reconciliation means you bury
the hatchet, not necessarily the issue.”