Managing Conflicts In Relationships
by Rudolph F. Verderber
Will your relationships grow, be strengthened, and stabilize, or will they wither and ultimately die? The answer depends a great deal on how you manage conflict with them. Conflict is the clash of opposing attitudes, ideas, behaviors, goals, and needs. Although many people view conflict as bad (and, to be sure, conflict situations are likely to make us anxious and uneasy), conflict is sometimes useful in that it forces people to make choices and to test the relative merits of their attitudes, behaviors, needs, and goals.
Conflicts include clashes over ideas (“Charley was the first one to talk.” “No, it was Mark” or “Your mother is a battle-ax.” “What do you mean, a ‘battle-ax’?”); over values (“Bringing home pencils and pens from work is not stealing.” “Of course it is.” or “The idea that you have to be married to have sex is completely outdated.” “No, it isn’t.”); and, perhaps the most difficult to deal with, over ego involvement (“Listen, I’ve been a football fan for thirty years, I ought to know what good defense is.” “Well, you may be a fan, but that doesn’t make you an expert.”).
Patterns of Dealing with Conflict
People engage in many behaviors to cope with or manage their conflicts. Some are positive and some are negative. These many ways may be discussed under five major patterns. Let’s consider each in turn.
Wihdrawal One of the most common – and certainly one of the easiest – ways to deal with conflict is to withdraw. Withdrawal is physical or psychological removal from the situation.
Physical withdrawal is, of course, easiest to identify. Dorie and Tom are in conflict over Tom’s smoking. When Dorie says, “Tom, I thought you told me that whether you stopped smoking completely or not, you weren’t going to smoke around the house. Now here you are lighting up!” Tom may withdraw physically, saying, “I don’t want to talk about it” as he goes to his basement workshop.
Psychological withdrawal may be more difficult to detect but every bit as common. Using the same example, when Dorie speaks to Tom about his smoking, Tom sits quietly in his chair looking at Dorie, but while she is speaking, he is thinking about the poker game he will be going to the next evening.
Both of these common withdrawal behaviors are negative. Why? Becausethey neither eliminate nor attempt to manage the nature of the conflict. For instance, when Tom withdraws physically, Dorie may follow him to the basement, where the conflict will be resumed; if not, the conflict will undoubtedly surface later – probably in an intensified manner – when Dorie and Tom try to cope with another issue. When Tom ignores Dorie’s comments, Dorie may force Tom to cope with the smoking issue, or she may go along with Tom’s ignoring her but harbor a resentment that will surface later.
There appear to be two types of situations where withdrawal may work. The first is when the withdrawal is temporary disengagement used for the purpose of letting the heat of the conflict cool down. When Bill and Margaret begin to argue over having Bill’s mother for Thanksgiving dinner, Margaret feels herself get angry about what her mother-in-law had said to her recently about the way she and Bill were raising their daughter. Margaret says, “Hold it a minute, let me make a pot of coffee. We can both relax a bit and then we’ll talk about this some more.” A few minutes later she returns, temper intact and ready to approach the conflict more objectively. Margaret’s action is not true withdrawal; it is not meant as a means of avoiding confrontation. It provides a cooling-off period that will probably benefit both of them. The second case where withdrawal may work is when a conflict occurs between people who communicate infrequently. Jack and Mark work in the same office. At two office gatherings they have gotten into arguments about whether the company really cares about its employees. At the next office gathering Mark avoids sitting near Jack. Withdrawal is a negative pattern only when it is a person’s major way of managing conflict.
SurrenderSurrender means giving in immediately to avoid conflict. Some people are so afraid of being in conflict that they will do anything to avoid it. For instance, Jeff and Marian are discussing their vacation plans. Jeff would like just the two of them to go somewhere together, but Marian has talked with two of their friends who are vacationing the same week about going together. After Jeff mentions that he’d like the two of them to go alone, Marian says, “But I think it would be fun to go with another couple, don’t you?” Jeff replies, “OK, whatever you want.” In this example Jeff really wants the two of them to go alone, but rather than describe his feelings or give reason for his position, he gives in to avoid conflict.
10.Surrender is negative for at least two reasons: (1) Decisions should be made on merits and not to avoid conflict. If one person gives in, there is no evaluation of the decision – no one knows what would really be best. (2) Surrender can infuriate the other person. When Marian tells Jeff her thoughts, she would probably like Jeff to see her way as the best. But if Jeff surrenders, Marian will perceive Jeff not as liking her plan but as martyring himself. His unwillingness to present his reasons could cause even more conflict.
11.AggressionThe use of physical or psychological coercion to get one’s way is aggression. Through aggression people attempt to force others to accept their ideas. Through aggression a person may “win,” but it seldom does anything positive for a relationship. Aggression is an emotional reaction to conflict. Thought is short-circuited, and the person lashes out physically or verbally. Aggression never deals with the merits of the issue – only who is bigger, can talk louder, or is nastier.
12.In each of the above patterns, conflict is escalated or obscured. In none is it managed.
13.PersuasionPersuasion is the attempt to change either the attitude or the behavior of another person. At times during a conflict one person might try to persuade the other that a particular action is the right one. Doris and Jack are considering buying a car. Doris says, “Don’t we need room?” Jack, her husband, might reply, “Enough to get us into the car together, but I don’t see why we need more than that.” At this point, Doris and Jack’s conflict comes into focus. Now Doris might say, “Jack, rememberthe other day when you were cussing out our present car because it doesn’t have much back-seat room? We carry a lot of stuff. I do food shopping, you’re always carrying equipment for men at the lodge, and there are lots of times when we invite another couple to go somewhere with us.” Statements like this one are attempts at resolving the conflict through persuasion.
14.When persuasion is open and reasonable, it can be a positive means of resolving conflict. But persuasion can degenerate into manipulation. Although persuasive efforts may fuel a conflict, if that persuasion has a solid logical base, it is at least possible that the persuasion will resolve the conflict.
15.DiscussionDiscussion is verbal problem solving. It involves weighing and considering the pros and cons of the issues in conflict. Discussion is the most desirable means of dealing with conflict in a relationship; nevertheless, it is often difficult to accomplish.
16.Problem-solving might follow the formal method of defining the problem, analyzing the problem, suggesting possible solutions, selecting the solution that best fits the analysis, and working to implement the decision. For instance, if Jeff and Marian were discussing, they might focus on the problem of how they should spend their vacation. They would seek to identify the goals they hoped to meet. They would suggest places to go and the possibilities of going there with or without others. They would consider how each possibility would meet their goals. Then they would select the place and whether to go with their friends.
Exercise 1: Skimming and Scanning Questions
1.What is conflict? ______
2.Fill in the chart to describe 5 different ways of dealing with conflict. Define each one, and then write whether it is positive, negative, or both.
Pattern of dealing with conflict / Definition / Positive / Negative(Circle the correct words.)
1. / POSITIVE NEGATIVE
2. / POSITIVE NEGATIVE
3. / POSITIVE NEGATIVE
4. / POSITIVE NEGATIVE
5. / POSITIVE NEGATIVE
Exercise 2: Close Reading Questions
1.Why are conflicts not always negative?
______
2.What things do people come into conflict about? (Give general ideas - NOT examples.)
______
3.The example in paragraph 5 illustrates ______while the example in paragraph 6 illustrates ______.
4.(par. 7) We can infer that a positive way to deal with conflict would be ______
______
5.According to paragraph 7, if there is no immediate solution to a conflict, what might happen? ______
6.When is withdrawal positive?
a. ______
b. ______
7.Why do some people surrender? ______
8.Surrender is bad because the final decisions are not ______and because it could lead to more ______.
9.a. In paragraph 12, what does the term “the above patterns” refer to?
______
b. What happens in each of “the above patterns”?
Instead of being ______, conflict is ______.
10.What are the disadvantages of persuasion? (list 2)
a. ______
b. ______
11.What does the example in paragraph 16 illustrate? ______
12.Does discussion always work? YES / NO
Quote from the text to support your answer. ______
______
Exercise 3: Summary Cloze
Fill in the blanks with one word to complete the following summary of the article.
______is the clash of opposing ideas and attitudes. In most cases, it is ______, but sometimes it can be ______. There are ______different ______of dealing with conflict. The first is ______, which means ______or ______removal from the situation. The second pattern is ______in order to ______conflict. The third is ______through which people ______others to accept their opinions and attitudes. However, these three strategies don’t ______conflict, but rather ______it. In contrast to the first three patterns, the last two are ______ways of resolving conflict. One is ______, by which people attempt to ______other people’s ideas. The last pattern is ______, which makes people think about the ______and ______of the issues in conflict; it is ______problem solving. The writer concludes by stating that although it is not always ______to implement, the last pattern is the most ______means of managing conflict.