Lindsay Lohan Killed in Car Collision

Lindsay Lohan Killed in Car Collision

Lindsay Lohan, a noted actress and performer famous for her role in the smash hit Mean Girls, was pronounced dead late Wednesday night at Bellevue Hospital Center in Manhattan.

Lohan had just left a spring fashion show on the lower east side when her limo was sideswiped in an intersection and knocked into incoming traffic. Her driver was killed instantly, though a doctor passing by helped police officers to perform first aid and CPR on Lohan until an ambulance arrived.

She arrived at the emergency room at Bellevue after being resuscitated twice en route. Doctors did not provide her time of death, which was presumably some time after midnight, according to several eyewitnesses of the collision.

The two men found in the car that had sideswiped Lohan’s limo were later caught and arrested. Both were illegal immigrants and, allegedly, paparazzi photographers. They are due to face charges of DUI and involuntary manslaughter.

It is rumored that traces of drugs in Lohan’s system interacted with those given at the hospital to cause her death, though this information has not been confirmed. Noted in recent years for her attempts at rehabilitation, Lohan had lost considerable favor in the cinematic community due to her drug use and past arrests.

“She can’t be dead! She’s my idol!” cried one distraught twelve-year-old fan upon hearing of Lohan’s crash. A man standing nearby commented, “Who cares? She was a waste of air – no talent.”

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New Recycling Rules

The City Council announced last week that a set of new recycling rules have been established, set to go into effect on May 1st, that would require homeowners to separate their waste into precisely defined categories, or face heavy fines.

Paper waste, cardboard, glass, plastic, and aluminum cans will be required to have their own containers, in addition to non-recyclable trash. Landlords must have receptacles available for each of these items.

Environmentally conscious New Yorkers have responded ecstatically to these new measures. One man commented, “Finally, they’re doing something about the filth in this city!” This enthusiasm, however, is not shared by all; some feel that it is a waste of time and energy to sort out recyclable items to such an extent. “It’s bull,” said a woman exiting her apartment. “I’ll have to have six different bins out – it’s all just garbage!”

Elijah Woodward, chairman of the Environmental Protection Committee of the New York City Council, praised the new laws, citing their “contribution to the efficiency of the recycling process…

With these measures in place, our city’s reputation for filth and waste will be sure to come to and end.”

The mayor’s office has failed to comment.

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NYPD Shakeup

A mass reorganization has occurred at the NYPD this month, initiated several weeks ago for unknown reasons, though there have been rumors of federal involvement. As a result of this attempt to modify the established system, police officers have seen a variety of changes, not all of them for the better.

“We’re absolutely swamped with paperwork – there are so many transfers flying around, it’s a wonder I can even see my desk these days,” commented one officer who preferred to remain anonymous. Similar complaints are frequently heard, as departmental slowdowns and red tape slow the transition process.

The NYPD has affirmed that this reorganization will work wonders for the efficiency of the force, though a concrete reason for its initiation has not been given.

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Staten Island Fights Abating

Gang violence in Staten Island has decreased significantly in the past weeks, as fewer incidents occur each night, finally returning to residents the ability to live normal lives.

Police caution, however, that the diminished violence is most likely because someone is about to win the fight, which will not necessarily have positive consequences for the island. The NYPD dread the rise of another drug lord rivaling Maria “Throat-Cutter” Hernandez, whose reign of terror left most of Staten Island paralyzed with fear.

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NYPD Officer Dead in Five Car Pile-Up

NYPD Officer Hilbert Rorke Laymore died in a car collision Saturday night on his way back to his lower west side apartment after a day on duty in upper Manhattan.

Laymore was driving down the Henry Hudson Parkway when his car accelerated suddenly and turned sharply into oncoming traffic. The ensuing collision resulted in a five car pile-up.

Though Laymore was wearing his seatbelt, the force of the crash caused it to break, and he was thrown head-first into the windshield and decapitated.

Police are said to suspect foul play, but have not released any official comments at this time.

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MTA Plan Shows Less Help from Congestion Pricing

Supporters of Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg’s plan to charge people who drive into the busiest parts of Manhattan have promoted it as a way to provide a steady flow of money to pay for improvements to public transportation for decades to come.

Under a new spending plan released Wednesday by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, however, so-called congestion pricing would cover a relatively small portion — 15 percent — of money needed for transit improvements.

The authority said that it would need $29.5 billion from 2008 through 2013 for system improvements and expansion. It tentatively identified $20 billion in potential sources of funds, including $3 billion that could be raised by borrowing against congestion pricing revenue.

Officials were unable to say where the remaining $9.5 billion would come from at a time of city and state budget tightening.

Elliot G. Sander, the authority’s chief executive, said that unless its plan is financed in full, the transit system would slide back into the disrepair of the 1970s and 1980s.

“If this plan is not passed, it compromises the future of the region as we know it,” Mr. Sander said. “The stakes are as high as they can be.”

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(OOC Source: NY Times)

Horoscopes

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the Dirge's horoscope column will not run today.

(OOC: This paper is a reconstruction based on available materials. The editor could not find any records of the horoscopes originally printed for this game date.)

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