Jessica Foley
First Essay
Women in Literature
I remember the day I finally opened the chest. I had been trying for days and days. First not even able to squeeze my fingers under its narrow lid and then when I could finally fit them it took me even longer to figure out how to lift the lid. The chest sits in Mommy and Daddy’s room, it’s large, and wood and weighs more then a hundred elephants I would imagine. I finally shoved rabbit in there, head first because it was the biggest part. I really am sorry little rabbit, I didn’t mean to squish your head, but it was the only way to open the chest. Then I heard Mommy coming up the stairs, so I had to leave rabbit in there, foot hanging out, until after my nap. With rabbit’s help we finally were able to lift the heavy lid. I shoved my face in a blanket to keep from sneezing when all the dust flew out. Treasure! Rabbit and I, we had discovered treasure. I would tell my brothers and they would all carry me around on their shoulders like when Bobby Ray hit the baseball into the creek. My brothers said I was to little to go to that game, but I imagine that is what it was like.
The treasure in the chest was not your usually treasure. No gold, or silver, not even the smallest sign of a pirate. Instead it was lots of old books, and pictures. I opened one up, wishing I was in school and would know how to read the scribbling writing. I thought about showing my brothers, then they could read the writing for me, but then I didn’t, this was my treasure. I stared and stared at the photos, none of them looking like people we knew. But then rabbit pointed to one of a little girl, she was wearing overalls and was standing in the middle of a creek, a big smile on her face and she held up a frog by one of his hind legs. I didn’t recognize the little girl, but rabbit did, it was Mommy. At first I laughed at the mud on her face and the little frog that she had caught. She must have liked the frog, because next to the picture she had drawn a large, squiggley smiley face. I wondered where her Mommy was, and why she hadn’t been told to stay out of the creek, or to wipe the mud from her face. I bet that this chest was Mommy’s secret chest. She probably went to the creek too, just like I do, although I haven’t been able to catch a frog yet. I wonder if her Mommy had her wear a big blue coat that looked like a girl’s coat, probably not. I wondered if her Mommy cried at night, when she was asleep because she had been a bad girl.
I know my Mommy cries at night. I hear her. The times when I do not hear her rabbit tells me in the morning. I know it is me that makes her cry. I heard her on the phone with the doctor once. She thought I was taking my nap, but I was in Daddy’s study, playing with his cigars, and when the phone rang rabbit picked it up. I told him he shouldn’t but he did it anyways. I heard her tell the doctor she didn’t want to discuss me over the phone, where people might hear. She doesn’t want people to know she is my Mommy, just like my brothers, who don’t want me to go to the baseball games with them. I know that there is something wrong with me. Before Tim moved away he used to tell me that sometimes I shake. That I will fall to the ground and shake. He thought I was playing a joke on him, but he couldn’t wake me up or keep me from shaking. He thought I was cold and put his coat on me, but when I was still shaking he went to get Mommy. He had to run the whole way to my house from the Notch and when Mommy came and got me I knew Tim had been crying. After that Tim and I only played around the house. And when Tim went to the Notch I couldn’t go with him. I know that he doesn’t want to be around me either.
I don’t know why I shake. I ask rabbit about it, rabbit isn’t afraid when I shake. Rabbit says he doesn’t know why either. A few days ago rabbit and I went to the creek together. Rabbit doesn’t tease me for my bright blue coat, so I like to go to the creek with him. We saw a deer on the other side of the creek, drinking water, and we hid low in the bushes. I had to warn rabbit real strongly not to make any noise, he can be loud sometimes. The deer didn’t even know we were there. Suddenly there was a loud bang, rabbit was real scared, I told him not to be, but he was. And the deer dropped to the ground. It started to shake and shake and there was lots of blood, kind of like when Mommy cut her finger. But more blood. I asked rabbit if that is what I look like when I shake, and he said it was. We stayed hidden in the bushes and the hunters came. They were happy and slapping each other’s hands. They knelt down next to the deer, yup, he’s dead they said to each other. They dragged the deer away. It had stopped shaking. Maybe that is why I shake, because I am going to die. Mommy says when you die you go to heaven and get to be with God. But rabbit says after I shake I wake up. I know this because Tim is crying, or Mommy is crying (even though she tries to smile), and everyone is real nervous. So maybe God just changes his mind, kind of like when I tell Mommy I want chocolate ice cream, she brings me a bowl, but now I want vanilla. So I guess that means that one day God will decide he really does want chocolate ice cream, and then I won’t wake up, and I will go to heaven. I don’t really want to go to heaven, even though Mommy tells me to fix my hair, and clean my face, and wear my coat, and even though some days I want to run to the other side of the Notch and never come back, I don’t really mean it. I don’t really want to leave Mommy. But I guess you can’t argue with God, if he wants you in heaven I guess you have to go, kind of like going to the doctor. I sure hope rabbit goes with me. I don’t know anyone in heaven.
I saved Mommy’s little picture that day. I took it down to the river, and buried it in my old lunch box, the one I told Mommy I had lost, along the bank. It is where I keep my treasure. I wanted to save it. So that when Mommy yells at me, or when she cries at night, then I can come and look at the little picture and know that, at least at one point, she liked to wear overalls, climb in streams, and catch frogs too. And that she didn’t always care about mud on faces. And then when I go to school I can read the writing on the back.
Yes someday I will be able to read the writing on the back of the picture. Maybe when I go to school I will learn why I shake and shake. Maybe when I go to school I will learn why I make Mommy cry, and why Mommy used to play in the stream, but I can’t go near it. Maybe when I am in school I will learn why my brothers don’t want me to go to the baseball games with them, and why Mommy doesn’t want to talk about me when other people may hear her. When I am in school I will know everything. I put some rocks in my pocket to add to the lunch box; my lunch box of secret treasure, that no one but me knows about. Yes that is right little rocks, I am the only one that knows about you. And you had better shape up! You’re not so touch, you big, damn rocks! My brothers go to school. When I go to school, I’m going to learn all about you, but you will never know about me, and you will be in my power. Do you hear me?
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