In Dysfunctional Families, You Often See the Childrenadopting Various Rolesto Help The

Family Roles

In dysfunctional families, you often see the childrenadopting various rolesto help the family function as a system. But these roles can cause serious problems in their future lives. Why are Family Roles important and why do we need to know about them?

The role you played in your family of origin (the family system in which you were raised) can play an important part in how you relate to other people as an adult. Your family role can define who you are, how you relate to people, how they relate to you and influence every aspect of your life. People who are able to identify the role they played in their family have a powerful tool for changing their lives and improving their relationships.What are some of these roles? I will describe a few of the more common ones here, but family roles can be as varied and as individual as families are. A family may have "the sick one", "the peacekeeper", "the athlete", "the gifted one", "the victim", "the genius" or any other role you can think of. We'll first look atfive of the more common roles found in dysfunctional families with examples given from the imaginary "Thompson Family". Then we'll look at the characteristics of family roles in general.

The Thompsons are an average, middle class American family living in a small town in the East. Mr. Thompson owns his own business and is well known in town as a pillar of the community. He came from a very poor family who worked in the factories and worked very hard to raise himself to his present status. But he is very insecure in his new social position and fears people will remember his humble beginnings and hold it against him. He often feels like an imposter in social situations with the elite of the town. Mr. Thompson has a habit of drinking heavily in the evenings to calm himself and numb this discomfort. When intoxicated he can become verbally and emotionally abusive to his family, especially his wife. He has become physically abusive in the past and his children fear he will become so again every time he drinks too much. He is very aware of social status and standing and demands that his family conduct themselves appropriately in public in order that they not embarrass the family. His drinking is never discussed in the home and definitely not outside the home.

Mrs. Thompson is the oldest child of upper middle class parents. She rebelled against her family's wishes to marry someone in her social class and instead married Mr. Thompson. She often chides Mr. Thompson about this and tells him that she made a huge mistake in marrying him. This inevitably starts an argument. Mrs. Thompson has numerous health complaints which often keep her in bed and prevent her from functioning in her role as wife and mother. She is unable to stand up to Mr. Thompson and uses her illnesses as a way of escaping the family situation. The more she retreats to her bed, the more heavily Mr. Thompson drinks and leans on the children to fulfill their mother's duties.

Let's look at the five most common family roles and how they play out in the Thompson family.

1. The Hero, "The Good Child"

The Hero is usually the oldlest, but not always. This is the child whois "7 going on 70.Hyperresponsible and self-sufficient they are often perfectionistic and look very good - on the outside. The family holds this child up as their shining example of what a good family they are and what good parents they are. The Hero is often a straight A student and/or star athlete.

As an adult, the Hero can be rigid, controlling and extremelycritical - of other and of themselves. Their goal in life is to achieve "success", however that has been defined by the family; making a lot of money, going far in school, mastering a particular profession, etc. They get lots of kudos for being successful and totally invested in attaining and maintaining that success, at all cost. They work to appease, help and take care of other family members. They must always be "brave and strong" and relinquish their own fear and vulnerability to be the Hero for the family. They are compulsive and driven, yet this drive comes from the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that they harbor deep inside.

On some level they know they are covering up the dysfunction of the family, and of themselves. They realize this is a facade, that something is "rotten in Denmark". Their greatest fear is being exposed as the flawed person they feel themselves to be. Their primary defense mechanism is denial and they are totally cut off from their own emotions and feelings. The Hero will have the hardest time admitting anything is wrong within the family. They will be the last to seek therapy or relinquish their role as Hero. They often enter therapy only when the perfectionism and drive to succeed start to take their toll, on their relationships or their own mental health. This perfectionism may result in overwork and stress which can lead tohealth problems or substance abuse problems which may threaten the Hero's perfect image.

Aisha Thompson is her father's pride and joy. The oldest of five children she always excelled at school and sports and recently graduated from college with high marks. She is set to take over her father's business and the family has always looked to her with pride.

2. The Scapegoat, "The Screw Up", "The Problem Child"

The Scapegoat is the truth teller of the family. They are the most emotionally honest child and will often verbalize or act out the "problem" which the family is attempting to cover up or deny. The Scapegoat is needed by the family to draw fire away from the real issue, to reduce tension, to take blame or to distract from the real problem. Hyperactive or sick children may be targeted to be the Scapegoat, but the role is open to anyone who has the guts to say or do what everyone else will not. The Scapegoat is the most sensitive and caring member of the family for they sacrifice themselves for the family. Though the Hero is perceived to be the strongest, the Scapegoat is actually the strongest, for others carry the "sins" for the entire family. Because they are so sensitive, they experience tremendous hurt which may result in self-hatred and self-destruction. The Scapegoat is often a romantic who has become very cynical and distrustful as a result of being the "target" for the families dysfunction.

As a child,the Scapegoat is the child who is most likely to be brought to counseling by the parents. The Scapegoat will be the "identified patient". Typically, the exasperated parents will bring in the Scapegoat, complaining to the therapist about the child's bad behaviors and wanting the therapist to "fix" the child. The astute therapist will realize this and know that the behaviors displayed by the child are indicative of the pathology within the family. If the family is willing to recognize the pathology within the system, therapy may be effective. If they continue to deny the dysfunction and refuse to accept their own part in what is going on then therapy will probably not be effective and the Scapegoat will eventually be driven out of the family. The family can then point at the Scapegoat, "over there", and say, "see how bad they are, but we are all fine". The Scapegoat will be the black sheep of the family, the one who carries the sins of the family for the whole family.

Scapegoats come in many different flavors, but two common ones are: 1) the picked,weak or sick child or 2) theangry, rebellious problem child who is constantly getting into conflicts.Bullies will target both versions.The first, because they are such an obvious target for abuse, just as they are in their families. The second, because they are so easy to set off. Scapegoats may also become bullies because of their penchant to "start something" and make themselves a target for conflict.

As an adult, the Scapegoat is the person most likely to seek counseling. Because of their emotional honesty they realize the dysfunction and face it. They may seek counseling for a drug or alcohol problem, problems with violence or aggression, problems functioning at work or school, issues with authority or relationship problems. The Scapegoat usually has serious issues with authority figures, for obvious reasons. The hurt and rejection they experience from their family can be manifested as anger and distrust as an adult. They are often confrontational and argumentative. They carry a lot of anger and resentment because of all the blaming and shaming. They may be aware of the sacrifice they made and resent it. Scapegoats are frequently the underdog in relationships and situations.

The Scapegoat role is explore more in my article, "The Scapegoat" and understanding the legend from which the word "Scapegoat" is taken is helpful in understanding the part this role plays in the family.

Aisha's younger sister, Zahra,is the Scapegoat. She constantly confronts Mr. Thompson about his drinking and her mother about her lack of involvement in and responsibility for the family. Zahra has developed a serious drinking problem in her junior year of high school and has been in and out of treatment, but continues to drink and rebel. She gets good grades at school but also gets into numerous conflicts, both with teachers and students, a few of which have resulted in fights.
3. The Mascot

The Mascot is often the youngest in the family, but not always. This child feels powerless in the dynamics which are going on in the family and tries to interrupt tension, anger, conflict, violence or other unpleasant situations within the family by being the court jester. This child is the comedic relief and will often be the class clown in school. They provide laughter as an amusement and a diversion to diffuse volatile situations. They may also use humor to communicate and to confront the family dysfunction, rather than address it directly. They also use humor to communicate repressed emotions in the family such as anger, grief, hostility or fear.

Aisha's youngest brother, Kamal,is the family clown, always ready with a laugh or a joke to lighten things up.

4. The Caretaker

You often see this role in a family where the functioning of the parents is impaired in some way, i.e. mental illness, substance abuse or a medical disability. This child will function as the surrogate parent.They takek responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family and its members. They may use humor as a diversion or to divert attention away from pain and anger, but it is not their primary method. They worry and fret, nurture and support, listen and console. Their entire concept of their self is based on what they can provide for others.

As an adult, they are often in very one-sided relationships. They give love constantly, but are often in relationships in which love and caring is not returned. They are drawn to people who take, but do not give. The Caretaker does all the giving. This is true of all their relationships whether it be their spouse, their children, their friends, their bosses or their coworkers. Their caring comes from an innate sense that they are not good enough on their own, nor are they good enough to require equal attention and caring from other people. They try to overcome their low self esteem and feelings of guilt by pleasing everyone around them. Caretakers are those really "nice" people that love everyone and yet do not seem to have an identity of their own, other than what they can do to help you. They may be in relationships with abusers in their efforts to save the other person, especially if they came from an abusive family. Caretakers often grow up to be social workers, nurses, and yes, therapists.

Aisha's sister, Nailah, is the Caretaker. She often functions as surrogate mother for the children and her father. She often cooks dinner, listens to everyone's problem and shoulders all their tears and fears. She does the laundry and cleans the house to lighten the load on her mother and earn her father's praise for being "the little mother".

5. The Lost Child, the "Space Cadet"

The Lost Child is the invisible child. They try to escape the family situation by making themselves very small and quiet. They disappear into the woodwork or escape into their own minds. This child avoids interactions with other family members and is often found daydreaming, fantasizing, reading a lot of books or watching a lot of TV. They are withdrawn and aloof and prefer to be alone. They deny that they have any feelings about situations and deny getting upset. They will be the last child for which the parents attempt to get help because they go unnoticed.

As an adult, the Lost Child will attempt to deal with painful or uncomfortable emotions and situations by withdrawing from them. They are often unable to feel and suffer very low self esteem. They avoid intimacy and may avoid relationships all together. If they are in a relationship they will be notably absent emotionally. They are socially isolative.

Aisha's younger brother, Rudy,has been the Lost Child, wafting through life in a fog, getting mediocre grades and spending most of his time with his head buried in various science fiction books.

The Importance of Family Roles

Identifying the individual family roles is only half the battle. Understanding the dynamics which create and maintain them is equally important. Family roles exist and are perpetuated because they serve vital functions within the family. They deflect blame and dissipate tension. They protect the family "honor" from disgrace. But they also perpetuate dysfunction and pass it down to the next generation. Understanding the nature of family roles is important if you wish to change them.

Family Roles are Intergenerational

If your family of originhas a pattern of roles which it adopts, these roles are handed down from generation to generation. For example, every generation may have a Scapegoat. The family needs one member to be the "identified problem" so everyone else can look good by comparison. You can look back into your own family tree and see what kinds of roles have been handed down. This can best be done using a Genogram, which is merely a family tree with each member's special traits, roles, issues or characteristics identified. This exercise is best done with the practiced eye of a clinician who can more readily spot the pattenrs. But you can do it for yourself.

Mr. Thompson was the Hero in his own family, his brother was the Scapegoat. Having watched the target his brother became for the family Mr. Thompson works diligently to prove he is "better than that". This is the origin of his drive and determination, but it is also the source of his feelings of inferiority. No matter how hard he works, he feels he is not good enough and that his family is not good enough. He is very critical and demands perfection from everyone. He has now handed down this role to his daughter, Aisha, and perpetuated the Scapegoat role from his own family of origin to his daughter, Zahra.

Family Roles are Rigid

If you don't believe it, try to take someone else's role or refuse to play your own. Immediate, intense pressure will be brought to bear upon you by the system to get back into your role. Each role exists for a reason. If the family Scapegoat moves on or resigns their position, the system will desperately search for a replacement.

Family Roles are Dynamic

When the oldest child grows up and moves out of the family, their role will have to be adopted by someone else. If someone refuses to play their role any longer, the system will desperately search for a replacement. The easiest example to imagine is the Scapegoat. If the designated Scapegoat gets fed up and refuses to play the role, the family will start to look for another one.Understandably, this sends ripples of panic throughout the familial system as each member contemplates the possibility of becoming the new "target". Each member will fight to push the Scapegoat role onto someone else.But theScapegoat role isn't the only job that is hard to resign from.It can be just hard to leave the Hero role.

The burden of being perfect all the time is starting to take its toll on Aisha. She has no life of her own and no significant relationships. She is constantly at her father's side mastering the family business and trying her best to doing everything perfectly. She secretly began drinking and taking Valium a few years ago and her use has continued to increase through the years. She has begun to appear intoxicated at the business and her work has become sloppy and sometimes does not get done at all.