Tom:
You've got some good dialogue here. It holds the piece together and drives the whole thing, slowly revealing character and story, just enough to keep the reader hooked. I would have liked to see more burnt tongue than all the imitated dialect, but that's just a personal preference.
You're very good at making your reader believe one thing before turning it on its head to reveal the opposite. At various points the title, characters and dialogue had me thinking this story was about something else, which I think is a useful skill in fiction. Don't overdo it though. Less is more and all that.
For your intro, consider bringing the first lines of dialogue forward, thereby beginning your piece 'in medias res.' If you start with more action, it'll act as a greater hook for your reader, and introduce tension and unanswered questions sooner. You can then reveal setting through that action (eg describe seats as they're sat on, or tables as glasses are placed on their surface, etc). Especially when writing in first person, rather than simply listing the environment, describe it through your protagonist's eyes as things happen. This way you cut out the fat and everything remains relevant, which is really important for shorts this length.
I hope these comments are of some help to you. Keep up the good work.
Tom
Sorin:
Some notes on the story:
- "..souls living off their parents’ allowances." very nice said
- "Long, raven hair draped over her shoulders," beautiful! Removing the "as" in descriptions is hard but so much more powerful.
- "She’s breathtaking." You have some more of this statements. Maybe if you add some more description and not tell us how she is but to describe what you see would sound more attractive.
- "he replies, starting to get defensive." also make this an action. Tell us how he is getting defensive. How his face changes and how his body and hands move.
- The playing chess in a bar was weird and didn't expect that. And in a dim light environment as you describe it to be sounded even weird. But I think the dim light is what gives the story a more darker or melancholic feeling.
- While they play they don't drink anything. Maybe some more action can be added if you gave them something to drink and looks can be exchanged.
- I think they only touched each other two times the entire story and it's weird given that you already told us she is beautiful and he likes her but he's not sure about her but some more action and touching between them wouldn't hurt I think.
- The ending is abrupt. You don't let us know what she does when she wins or when he looses.
Hope anything of this ranting helps.
Sorin
Tigger:
I liked the dialog, it is smooth. Once the characters interacted, I was drawn into the story. You descriptions of time and space became tighter once it was interspersed among the conversation.
I felt the opening was a bit heavy or maybe even "clunky". I am not sure how to give you a more specific description of it or how I would fix it, but I would look at the descriptions you make while the characters are interacting together, then go back and look at the beginning.
Overall I enjoyed your piece.
Emery:
I think this is a good setting and premise for a story, the chess match is a good place to build tension between the two characters, the converted coffee-shop bar is a good setting to work in, but right now there isn’t enough at stake for the narrator for me to invest in the story. Burnie and the girl meet often, play chess, and he thinks that she might not be what he wants. … So?
tom’s suggestion that you bring the dialogue to the beginning is a good one. Then describe the bar as he observes it while they’re sitting playing chess or walking around.
I’d say: Grunting, I press my shoulder...
“Which was all the craze in the early nineties.”
Try reading your sentences out loud.
“the pseudo-beatnik (but wearing hundred dollar, faded jeans and eighty dollar, untucked dress shirts) crowd” is especially difficult. Don’t be afraid to slow down and describe things adequately when appropriate. You describe the crowd well in the next paragraph—maybe then would be a good time to insert that these reciters of bad poetry nevertheless wear expensive, schmancy clothes.
Many good comments have already been made, but I'd like to contribute some thoughts on your use of adverbs, especially in taglines in dialogue.
For example:
“is relatively quiet,”
Could be described--how quiet? Is there usually music playing, or do you mean that there are fewer people there than usual. What is usual? Is it quiet for a Friday, or is it a Tuesday night and this is expected?
All the adverbs amount to vague descriptions. “Only a couple of scattered tables”, “dark” (but lit with hanging lights?), “relatively quiet”, etc. This is the problem with adjectives and adverbs. You could certainly sit down and map out the bar in your mind, then add specific details to your story. How many lights? Are they fluorescent or incandescent? Or are they hanging candles in glass vases? How quiet is “really” quiet? Relative to what? Is there music playing (later we find out there is) or just dull voices wafting poetry over the speaker in the back, punctuated by feedback from the mike. What are the tables made of—you don’t have to include everything, but if you know what this bar looks like, the reader will, too.
And more descriptions--
What makes Jason look like a football player? That he has no neck? That his nose looks crooked, and his fingers have scars on all the knuckles? Is his “respectable” haircut military/flat-top, or something like a buzz-cut. You have so many options to choose from!
“JC Penney art” is good, but what’s the art depicting? Faux-vintage canvases of fruit in bowls, prints of famous art-nouveaux posters, paintings of coffee cups and biscotti in heavy bronze frames? I still can’t see the bar.
I would drop almost all of your adverbs— ‘nonchalantly look’ is ‘glance’. Let your dialogue speak instead of the taglines—‘dryly answer’ is implied by Burnie’s answer being one word. “Quickly spot” might as well be “spot”, since he spots her with one glance.
Placing the adverb in front of the verb is repetitive, especially one after the other. “Confidently reply”, ‘quickly notice’, ‘forcefully adds’, “playfully asks”, “confidently reply”, you see my point? I’m belaboring it, but they stick out like crazy.
Instead of describing what the speakers are saying, give them facial expressions, movements, anything for the reader to look at. Instead of “she gossips”, do something like “she leans forward eagerly, then moves her bishop and purses her lips.” There’s still an adverb in there, but shows her better than telling that she’s gossiping. I’d like to see more action—because right now I can’t see much of anything. Sometimes less is just less.
Avoid “suggests”— what exactly about her strategy makes it seem defensive to this narrator?
You say, “so-in-so states” three times in a few paragraphs, I’d vary these with other verbs. Don’t fear the good old “say”--it’s not flashy, but it’s useful.
As much criticism as I just threw out there, I just noticed this gem: "I reply, sipping the spongy head off my drink." This is perfect! Understated tag line, with an action for the reader to look at. It implies that he's being thoughtful and cautious. It implies he's drinking. You have a lot of these good phrases in your story, but they're obscured by the vagueness in other places.
-Emery
PC:
A warning first – I tend to critique along the lines of style and techniques that I like – they may not work for others. So, you might want to take everything with a spoon full of salt.
First off, the beginning: Several ‘I’s in there, personally, that throws me out of a story. Consider submerging the narrator. Also, you start with physical action between the narrator and his surroundings, to describe and introduce those surroundings. I’d advise to start physical action between the narrator and someone else, introduce the surroundings later on. Just my thoughts.
The only real back-story we get on the narrator are his comments on everyone else in the club. He looks down on them all, almost disgusted by them. While that does tell the reader something about him, it doesn’t really raise much interest from my side. Consider weaving in some backstory, where he comes from, what he does, why he dislikes the others…
When you describe the girl, consider working around words like ‘beautiful’ or ‘magnificent.’ Descriptions like those don’t really create an image in my head. You could try to create more of a picture by showing contrasting physical details. For more on that consider reading Craig Clevenger’s free essay ‘Devil’s in the details.’
Chess in that setting was unexpected, kudos on that. Makes for good contrast, too.
How did they meet, how did their play start?
For all I can tell, there is not much dramatic conflict in this story. He’s not sure he wants her, but why? Consider naming some ‘bad’ qualities on her side, some strange and weird behavior for example, to make his indecisiveness more palatable.
Also, how about his best friend also wanting her?? Or, he already dated her (since he’s dated in all directions)??? Just a thought.
During the game, the narrator comments on her internal mechanics (she’s bluffing, she’s calling my bluff, that sort of thing). I didn’t really care for that, it reads almost like an all knowing first person narrator. Since he’s not all knowing, it comes across super smug, which clashes a bit with his indecisiveness about her… Just my thoughts.
About the title – if that place is in Bankog, do they live there? Holidays? Tourists?
How does the title connect to the story?
Again, I’m not trying to break down the story or you, I’m just trying to point out sections that I’d try to write differently – as I said, according to the style I favor. You’ve got a great conflictly setting with the bar and the chess game, if you add some conflict the story will pack a punch.
Hope I helped,
pc
Draven:
First, I liked the story. Great dialogue. Please forgive anything that sounds rude, as I am only here to help and think you wrote this very well.
I grunt as I press my shoulder into the heavy oak door with a frosted window. - Very choppy at the end. Perhaps 'into the frost-covered door.'
“Nostalgia,” a renovated coffee shop (that was all the craze in the early nineties), is relatively quiet. - was and is mixes tenses
perhaps "Nostalgia," a renovated coffee shop and part of the early nineties craze, is relatively quiet.
The lower level, only lit by hanging lights, adorned with mauve lampshades, is filled with the pseudo-beatnik (but wearing hundred dollar, faded jeans and eighty dollar, untucked dress shirts) crowd.
Very choppy agaiin. Perhaps "The lower level, only lit by hanging, mauve-shaded lamps, had its own version of the pseudo-beatnik crowd - complete with hundred dollar faded jeans and eighty dollar, untucked dress shirts.
I might cut the dollar amounts and say expensive or a name brand.
The choice of accentuates bugs me for some reason. I'm not sure if the picture I get accentuates the things in the room.
But, in reality, the bar is full of a bunch of lost college student(s), souls living off their parents’ allowances.
I walk across the stained green carpet to the bar. - seperate paragraph
I turn to see Jason making his way up the stairs. Jason - I'd say He with the second Jason.
That, along with the fact that he is wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants, makes him stand out from the stone-washed, tie-dyed clad crowd. - this is a different crowd
than what you said earlier was there.
Writer seems to care about class a lot - or click's and crowds. Wonder if they should write about that sort of stuff - a subconcious passion.
"I nonchalantly look over the rail and quickly spot her. Long, raven hair draped over her shoulders, wearing an azure sweater that enhances the color of her eyes. She’s breathtaking."
Love it
“Seriously, how will you know?” - about who is his "one"? If so, sloppy - odd transition in dialogue.
I quickly notice her blue eyes fixed on mine as I turn to see her smiling face - put "As I turn to see her smiling face, I quickly"
Other than that, the same JC Penney art hangs on the walls and tables that are scattered randomly. - The same seems odd. I'd cut it out and make sure
you mention the jc penny art above, then describe it in a way like that, one that makes us corolate the two
The dialogue is very well done and the story really picks up pace once you get it rolling. You probably write excellent novels.
The story was very cute and I liked the ending. Sure, the chess board thing has been done a million times, but you did great with the dialogue.
Love the title and the song.