Elizabeth Rohr
July 15, 2011
WRTG 3020: Comic Frame
First Draft
Girlfriend or Not?
Homecoming or Not?
“So Liz, Would you like to go to homecoming with me?” muttered John as he was anxiously awaiting my response.
“So Liz…” was the last words I heard before it happened…
[CW1]My day started out just like any ordinary day. I woke up at 6:30, showered, got dressed ate breakfast and walked to school. However once I got to schoolthere, my life from that moment on was never going to be the same.
“Thanks again for signing up for the school blood drive, it really means a lot to me,” my best friend Kelsey said to me as we walked through the double doors of our high school, walking to first period.
“No problem” I replied, “ You know I want to be a nurse someday and donating blood is…” Right as I was about to finish my sentence another one of my friends shouted from across the hall motioning for Kelsey and I to come over. Kelsey and I stopped dead in our tracks, [CW2]smiled and walked over to Sara.
“Hey Sara, why are you so excited? What’s going on? Did you ace that math test you were stressing about?” I questioned Sara.
“NO! EVEN BETTER!” she exclaimed. “John Smith , is asking you to homecoming!” I could not believe my ears; did Sara really just tell me that John Smith was asking me, Elizabeth Rohr, to homecoming? The John Smith that was the quarterback for our varsity football team?
“This is the best news ever!” I screamed. I could not believe it. John and I had math together, and I knew we flirted, but I never knew something like this would come out of it.
“Hurry- up and get your butt to first period, you don’t want to start this awesome day on a bad foot,” Sara pointed out to me. And just like that I was off to first period mMath with John Smith. As I was walking away I could faintly hear Kelsey screaming after me “Don’t forget to come get your blood drawn during first period!”.
I was so excited about the news that I rushed to math and pretended to not know anything that Sara had previously told me. Once I arrived at class I sat down next to John and started to flirt.
After 5 minutes of talking to John, I was totally lost in conversation and had completely forgotten that I was suppose to be in the gymnasium getting my blood drawn. Just as I was listening to John tell me another one of his football stories, I heard our teacher, Mr. Samuels, announce to class to quiet down because he was going to begin his lesson.
Mr. Samuels never starts class on time so by the time he quieted us down it was already 10 minutes into the period.
“ Today, we are going to break into groups and go over the tests…” explained Mr. Samuels. Just as he was about to give the next direction, he was interrupted by a knock at the door. It was Kelsey.
“ Hi Mr. Samuels” Kelsey whispered. “Sorry to interrupt your class, I need to borrow Liz and Kevin for the blood drive this morning.”
“Not a problem Kelsey” replied Mr. Samuels “ However I do not think Kevin Is here this morning, if you would like I can ask if anyone else would like to fill his position?”
“That would be great, Thanks!” exclaimed Kelsey.
[CW3]Mr. Samuels asked the class if anyone wanted to volunteer to go donate their blood. At first the class was silent, I swear there were crickets in that room after he spoke, but then John spoke out and said he would take one for the team. I couldn’t believe it. John was coming with Kelsey and I down to the gymnasium to get his blood drawn too!
As we walked down to the gym I was the least bit nervous, I had gotten my blood drawn several times before so this was nothing new. The only thing that I could think about was John asking me to homecoming. Once we arrived at the gym, John and I were called to a table to fill out paper work. Once we were done with our paper work we sat in line and waited to get our blood drawn.
After 10 minutes of waiting, it was finally our turn.
John turned to me and pronounced, “Good luck, see you at the snack table afterwards.” This is it, I thought to myself, John is going to ask me to homecoming right after we both get our blood drawn. “Ha-ha, you too, see you at the snack table” I replied.
“You are all done, thanks for your donation. Please walk slowly to the snack table, take some water and have some cookies before you go back to class” the nurse informed me. [CW4]I barley listened to a word the nurse said, shot up from the bed, and darted over to the snack table where I saw John patiently waiting. As I approached the table, John smiled.
I sat down next to him, grabbed a water, and we finished the rest of our conversation. As he was telling me a story, I started feeling really light headed, and the world started spinning. I didn’t think anything of it, I thought it was just a reaction from spending so much time with John.
After John was done telling his story, he looked and me and asked if I had a date to homecoming yet. At this point I was sweating bullets, my head was spinning, but I tried to play it cool. “Nope, not yet, how about you” I replied. Just then John opened his mouth and said, “So Liz…” at that very moment. I passed out. I fell right out of my chair, and into John Smith’s lap. Upon my descent ding of falling onto John’s lap, I proceeded to vomited all over him, (maybe say something like… “imprinting his pants with chunks of …. Or something like that) [CW5]s lap.
After five minutes of being passed out, the nurses were able to wake me, and explained to me what had happened. I instantly felt turned as red as a tomato, and could notunable to believe that what had happened. The nurses explained I must have had a reaction to the blood drawing and that if I rested for a couple of minutes a young man offered to walk me back to class. Just then John appeared out of nowhere, “You took a nice fall, luckily I was there to catch you”. [CW6]I was horrified, I could not believe I passed out on John, right as he was about to ask me, or at least I thought he was going to ask me to homecoming.
After about 5 minutes of resting, John accompanied me back to class. Right before we entered class, he stopped me and said, “So Liz, I tired asking you this earlier, but you fainted on me, hopefully you do not faint this time, but I was wondering, if maybe, you wanted to be my date…” I cut him off, and excitedly replied “Yes I would love to be your date at homecoming.”
From that day on John and I were an boyfriend and girlfriend[CW7], and we had the most wonderful time at homecoming, however I have still be reminded to this day of how I fainted and threw up on my boyfriend. I guess there are some things you will never live down.[CW8]
I like your story overall, the end is pretty funny. I think you can enhance your humor with more descriptive and well-placed adjectives for your story and punchlines. I would also suggest adding some more humorous moments throughout the story so that the ending is not the only humorous part of the story.
[CW1]I liked your foreshadowing … adds to the amusement.
[CW2]This implies you just saw something bad, I don’t think this is the best way to describe how you stopped.
[CW3]You mentioned you like dialogue in your piece, but I feel as if some of it (like this in particular) is not necessary. It doesn’t really add any pertinent information to your text. This could be a good spot to add humor, or describe Mr. Samuels in some funny way (he sounds like he might be a humorous character).
[CW4]I think there is some disconnect here … you jump from going to have you blood drawn to having your blood drawn … there is no explanation inbetween.
[CW5]These lines are repetitive.
[CW6]This made me laugh, primarily because it is so cheesy! I liked that it was included.
[CW7]Fragment … should revise this.
[CW8]Does he call you any nick-names due to the fact that your threw up on him? That might be funny if he does.