NARRATIVE : PART I
Example / Style“…the flow of Precious Cargo comes at the room uninterrupted now-- with one exception. Like a log jammed in the rapids, Roger stops, stands grinning with the benign happiness of a dog I might own, demanding a handshake. I look down, pause, and submit to the moist glove of a hand and feel a last flicker of energy drop from me like a cinder down a cold chimney.” / FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE—simile “like a log jammed…”
Does the figurative language match the subject it hopes to illuminate? For example, a log jam occurs when lumber, being transported via a high energy river is stopped by one, single noncompliant component of the group. Progress toward a goal is stopped by one member that is unaware of what it is doing or its impact on the whole. Just like this student stops the progress of starting class. So, I am a genius writer.
TONE – the hyperbolically saccharin phrase “precious cargo” (which is in line with the lumber simile in that lumber is cargo, and “precious” in an economic way [and in that it isn’t easily renewable] ) can, in this context, only be read as sarcastic.
VERBS—“comes at the room” implies conflict, an invasion of sorts; “submit to” emphasizes the feeling of defeat that is developed here.
MIXED METAPHOR (bad.)? “cinders down a cold chimney” has little or no relationship to the log jam or the benign dog. It’s not really a mixed metaphor, though, because I am describing a new thing and it is in a new sentence. It is, however, maybe a bit anachronistic or archaic—it sounds like it belongs in a Dickens novel. Who deals with cinders and chimneys anymore? Because I am a lame writer.
“As the kids come into the room, Roger stops and puts out his hand for me to shake it. I do, but I continue to feel less energetic.” / ß PROSE/ BEING CONCISE: This conveys the same information about what happened, but does not convey my perspective or attitude about how it happens. So, while it is slightly shorter, it is less interesting and I will have to state something about my perspective later. THIS IS NOT WRONG—YOU DO NOT FAIL. Just, you know.
“He wants to do well but” / ß POETIC LICENSE: I wrote this as a sentence. It is not a sentence. It is a fragment. The way I am writing now is choppy and repetitive. I am taking grammatical liberties to create a tone and establish my voice. You can do this because this is not an essay. But be sure it is clear your “error” is an intentional one that serves a clear purpose.
“cash me ouside”
“This isn’t a phil-os- oh phee class. I thought this was In-glish” / PHENETIC SPELLING—It’s okay, but be careful we can figure out the meaning. And that you know phonetics.
Using ALL CAPS is generally a cop-out. Try to imply that something is EXCLAIMED or EMPHATIC with your words, not the Caps Lock or emoji J