GUILTY, A Funny Fantasy 1
GUILTY
(A funny fantasy)
Heavenly clouds are formed about the stage hovering over a typical courtroom. There is a Judge’s Bench, UCS and a Witness Stand, SL. A female angel, in an oversized sky blue cape, is seen in chains before the JUDGE who is seated on his bench. He is in oversized black robes with a megaphone. He uses the gavel as if striking iron onto an anvil. The angel’s DEFENSE ATTORNEY (SL) is dressed in a cobalt blue business suit and the PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (SR) is dressed in electric red business suit. A sexy COURT STENOGRAPHER, (LCS) wearing an improper beige business suit, sits at a small table in front of the JUDGE hanging onto his every word. She has a Stenographic Recording Machine. There is a door USR and a scrim representing a wall DSR.
JUDGE
(Shouting through the megaphone to the Defense Attorney) Esquire? How does this Angel plead to the charge of ‘Being Here?’
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
She says pleading is not her style and she is very definitely here and she says she is going to stay here.
JUDGE
Oh, you do have an attitude, Angel.
ANGEL
If I had a bigger cape, my wings would have been more securely hidden, sir.
PROSECUTION ATTORNEY
Your Honor, I object! Strike that on the grounds that it is only conjecture that she tried to hide them. How can you hide anything when you are wearing an oversized, sky blue cape with two huge wings bulging out?
ANGEL
(Petulant) Oversized? My cape is merely full!
JUDGE
(To the COURT STENOGRAPHER) Strike that from the record!
(The COURT STENOGRAPHER takes out the record from the Recording Machine and she enthusiastically strikes the plastic record against her table and it shatters to the floor. She ignores the broken pieces and picks up another record and inserts it into the Machine)
JUDGE
(Sarcastic) Angel! They teach us in “Earth” criminal law that angels never feel they have committed a crime. Angels are such an arrogant lot.
ANGEL
You are so lucky to have caught me “being here” before it was too late, or you would be in a lot of trouble by now.
(The Judge raises his gavel as ifit was an axe on a guillotine)
(The ANGEL, unable to hold back,rattles her chains at him. The sound of the chains reverberates. The JUDGEpulls back in fear)
JUDGE
(Perplexed as to why he was afraid) It is a good thing you are in chains. I am going to have to hold you in Contempt of Court.
ANGEL
How contemptible of you! (Looking at her Defense Attorney who is scowling.
(There is a sound effect of howling uproar. ANGEL rattles her chains at the sound. The DEFENSE ATTORNEY puts his hands over his eyes and lowers his head)
JUDGE
(Smiling) Are you trying to get on my good side, Angel?
ANGEL
(Extremely interested) Do you have a good side, Your Honor?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
(He cringes and mutters) Ow!
JUDGE
(Smiling sweetly) If you are not careful, they are going to sentence you to life and they will cut off your wings! You are right, Angel. I really don’t have a good side and that leaves you with no alternative, does it?
ANGEL
You have an awfully nice voice, too.
JUDGE
Really? Do you really like it? Is it, how should I say, Masculine?
ANGEL
(Questioning her DEFENSE ATTORNEY) Masculine?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
(Annoyed and closing his eyes) Just say, yes.
ANGEL
(Thrilled) Yes!
JUDGE
(Preening) I know. I should have been a radio announcer.
ANGEL
A Television Announcer! You are also very good looking.
JUDGE
I like your approach, Angel
ANGEL
I am not an angel. You don’t want me to be an angel.
JUDGE
Why don’t I want you to be an angel?
ANGEL
You wouldn’t want to fool with an angel.
JUDGE
Well, that’s a challenge, since angels are to be seen and not heard. (ANGEL does not respond). He looks at her, curiously). Why are you so silent, Angel?
ANGEL
Silence confuses people.
JUDGE
You are the first angel I have ever tried. The legal protocol has got to be perfect. I will be fair and I will be just. I will not let my own prejudice against angels sway me in any way. You actually don’t exist but I am here trying you, aren’t I?
ANGEL
I bet you don’t believe in dreams, either.
JUDGE
No, I don’t. I only believe in reality. Hard, cold reality!
ANGEL
Then, I am only a dream.
JUDGE
(Being a wise guy) Yes, but you are a dream to be dealt with.
ANGEL
Without a dream there is only emptiness.
JUDGE
Words! Words! Words! Noisy, noisy words! People are always hiding behind words, paintings, music, dancing. Do you want to be put into solitary confinement and rendered motionless?
ANGEL
Solitary confinement? (Brightening up) To write?
JUDGE
Yes. You can write words for the cockroaches. (Leaning in closer to ANGEL) So we can step on them!
ANGEL
(Winking at the JUDGE) My word!
JUDGE
(Smiling as if knowing a secret joke) I could also condemn you to a lifetime of the spoken word. I would have you speak every waking minute of your life without stopping. Perhaps you could do it in your sleep, too. I will find you an audience who would be forced to listen to you. If they fall asleep, the ushers will bang on their seats and force them to pay attention to you. Then they will learn to babble what you babble and you can all babble together, trying to out babble each other. Then they will be condemned to listening and babbling. Babble, babble and not a sound shall be heard. Oh. I like that. (He takes out a piece of paper and writes that phrase down. Then, he pulls out an application form and smiles, as he looks it over). May I write your name?
ANGEL
Angel.
JUDGE
Yournumber?
ANGEL
One.
JUDGE
(Frowning) What arrogance! One! What else would she say! Now what are you? Defense Attorney, advise her well.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
(TO ANGEL) Remember you are being condemned for being and for being here.
COURT STENOGRAPHER
(Arrogantly) Yes. Go home!
DEFENSE ATORNEY
You can’t win anyway. Tell them a story. Any story! Make up a story. They won’t mind. It may bring them comic relief.
ANGEL
(To her DEFENSE ATTORNEY in shock) Tell them a story? Once upon a time…I was…I am…I simply am an………… (Hesitating) an …………. I am a ME!.
JUDGE
(Smiling) How precious.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
(Trying to shut her up) Excuse me your Honor. My client and I need to have a conference. (To ANGEL in a loud whisper) Just tell him you are really a human just trying to be an angel and better yet, trying to be a defenseless, female human trying to be an angel! You can’t be a ME!!!!
ANGEL
Oh my god, no! I could never be a human! I’m far too dangerous!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
You are not dangerous. You are only a woman. Read my lips. (Solicitous, as if speaking to a child) “I…am…only…a ….wo…man.” Repeat it back to me.
(ANGEL tries to mouth it, but then she starts shaking her head no)
JUDGE
Conference over! Angel! Now, loud and clear! What are you?
ANGEL
I am (looking at her DEFENSE ATTORNEY, then quickly says) a nothing. (She smiles smugly so proud of herself)
JUDGE
No, you cannot be a nothing. You must be a something. You need a label. Nobody knows what to do with a nothing. Where do you put a nothing? You can’t teach, trap nor train a nothing.
ANGEL
I know.
JUDGE
You cannot know! You can never know! Knowing is unknowable. There is no knowing. Do you understand that? No knowing allowed. Everyone repeat after me! NO KNOWING!
STENOGRAPHER
No knowing!
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
No knowing!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
No knowing!
ALL TOGETHER
No knowing!
JUDGE
Angel?
ANGEL
(New York attitude) Are you talking to me?
JUDGE
Yes, there is that slight possibility. (Smiling and threatening) Solitary Confinement, Angel?
Hmmm?
?
ANGEL
O.K! O.K! (Slowly) I don’t know that I am…(She gets a bright idea) an Artificial Human!
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
(Hysterically laughing) We know how to tell if you qualify as an Artificial Human, don’t we, your Honor? Take care, Angel.
JUDGE
(Challenging her) Yes. We do know how to tell if you qualify as an Artificial Human. Be very careful now. We do have the supreme test for that.
ANGEL
Supreme test?
JUDGE
(Rising in overpowering pride) (Shouting) Yes! Bring on the Artificial Human!
COURT STENOGRAPHER
(So excited) Ooh, ooh, ooh. I’ll go get the Artificial Human! I just love this part. (She happily runs out)
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
(To the audience) She loves this part.
(The COURT STENOGRAPHER exits through SL door slamming it behind her. She re-enters holding hands with the ARTIFICIAL HUMAN who never smiles. He is perfectly formed and easily controlled)
COURT STENOGRAPHER
(Delighted) Here he is! This is the Artificial Human! The ideal man! He does everything you tell him. He follows all the rules. He never looks beyond or into anything. He’s cute isn’t he?
(She flirts with him and then
quickly regains her composure
as a Court Stenographer, seats him at the Prosecuting Attorney’s table, and sits down very business-like at her Stenographic Machine)
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
May I question the prisoner, your Honor?
JUDGE
You may.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
Who sent you here?
ANGEL
I cannot reveal that, Sir.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
Are you taking the Fifth?
ANGEL
Yes, Sir, the part where it says you cannot testify against yourself. I cannot say who sent me here because that is even a worse crime than what you think I am.
COURT STENOGRAPHER
(Under her breath) It couldn’t be worse.
ANGEL
No, Just try me for being an Artificial Human
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
I will take over from here, if I may, Your Honor.
JUDGE
You may.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
Artificial Human! I want you to meet another Artificial Human! Say hello to the nice Artificial Human.
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
Hello. (He bows like a gentleman)
ANGEL
Are you truly an Artificial Human?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
Yes, M’am! Don’t you recognize me? I am a perfect being. I never object. I never resist. I only do what is good. I go to church every Sunday.
ANGEL
(Looking at him, incredulously) You do all that?
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
We know what his answers are. Now, let us see,
Mz. Angel, what your answers are. My first question is, (as a direct hit) are you or aren’t you an Artificial Human?
ANGEL
(Pausing) Hmmm. How many answers do I get?
JUDGE
(Leaning over the Bench) Just answer the question. Are you or aren’t you an Artificial Human?
(The PROSECUTOR and JUDGE trying to outdo each other, stare intently at ANGEL)
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Angel, just answer the question.
JUDGE
Are you or aren’t you? I have to know what I am judging here. Are we judging an angel, or an Artificial Human?
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
She is an angel, your Honor. Let’s just get this over with.
ANGEL
(Rebelling) No! I am a nothing. I am just a nothing. It is not easy being just a nothing. It is not easy at all. Everyone is always trying to mush you into a shape in order for you not to be a “nothing.” They want to identify you as anything but a nothing. I don’t want to be mushed into an amorphous something. Being pulled this way and that way! I just want to be a nothing. That is not an easy thing to do? (Angrily challenging the JUDGE) You just try being a nothing! It is not easy at all.
JUDGE
I am the Judge. I can be anything I want to be. I can even give you a Life Sentence but you will have to be numbered and labeled. I can’t sentence you as a zero.
ANGEL
Zero is OK by me.
JUDGE
Well, Mz. Zero, you will never go free. You will get a life sentence in any form I choose. I am sure nothings must fear pain. Pain is highly destructive. You can buy anyone’s life with the threat of pain, or the threat of death. (Condescendingly) You know that, don’t you?
ANGEL
Don’t hurt my wings.
JUDGE
(Seducing her) I would rather caress your wings.
ANGEL
What would your wife say?
JUDGE
Keep my wife out of this!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
(Pulling her aside, whispering) Did you hear him? Keep his wife out of this.
ANGEL
I heard him. I am not deaf. Not yet.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Listen to the JUDGE, Angel. (Back to the JUDGE) Your Honor, she is only a woman. Women have a natural tendency towards the so-called higher side of life. That is man’s downfall. But we must regard her gently, this gentle sex. We must be benevolent towards the weaker sex.
ANGEL
(To the JUDGE) In my own defense, your Honor,
(Correcting her approach) one cannot kill a nothing. I truly am a nothing. That you cannot take from me. Zero, I am. Zero, I shall remain.
JUDGE
Oh, little Angel. Since you have admitted you are an “am”, you are found guilty of one of the most heinous crimes known to man. The crime of ‘Being.’ Existing here without an identity is even worse. Do you have a social security card with all zeros? Hmmmmm? No, I don’t think so. You claim you are a zero. Do you have a telephone number that is Area Code, zero, zero, zero? An address? Of course, it must be an address called “No Place, zero, zero, zero! Defense Attorney! Where are her records?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY
(Defeated) She has none, your Honor.
ANGEL
I am not recorded, your Honor. Since I am not recorded, I cannot be located nor identified. Therefore, I must go everywhere or be anywhere. Being nothing is extremely light. (Flippant) No baggage!
JUDGE
Don’t try to make light of this, Angel or rather, Mz. Zero! That is another severe violation. Making light of things! (Slamming down the gave, and shouting) No lightness allowed! For this crime of crimes, this extreme violation of “Being” and “Being Here,” you will be condemned to eons as an Identity that you don’t want. The identity of “Victim”!(Slams his gavel down). So befitting. The tears rolling down your cheeks! The downcast, sad, soulful look in the eyes! What human could resist that?
ANGEL
Your Honor, Sir, if I can prove that I am a nothing, will you set me free? Just for the record, your Honor.
JUDGE
(Smiling) What do you think Mr. Prosecuting Attorney? Should we play her angelic game?
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
I don’t see why not! We have nothing to lose.
ANGEL
(To the COURT STENOGRAPHER who is jealously guarding the ARTIFICIAL HUMAN) May we put the Artificial Human on the Witness Stand?
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
Excuse me. I am still the Prosecuting Attorney, right? He is still the Judge, isn’t he?
ANGEL
What else could you be?
JUDGE
Court Stenographer! Bring the Artificial Human to the Witness Stand.
(The COURT STENOGRAPHER unwillinglybrings him to the Witness Stand. She seats him and then tries toguard him against ANGEL)
(ANGEL walks back and forth in front of the ARTIFICIAL HUMAN. The COURT STENOGRAPHER glares at her)
JUDGE
Back to the machine, young lady!
STENOGRAPHER
Yes, back to the machine!
(The COURT STENOGRAPHER unwillingly seats herself at her Recording Machine and angrily shoves in another disk)
ANGEL
Artificial Human, do you have a number?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
Yes, I do. My number is …..
ANGEL
(Interrupting him) My number? Who is “my”?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
Who is “My”?
ANGEL
Yes, who is “My”?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
(Getting rote again) My number is ………
ANGEL
You said it again. “My”. My number is ….. Who is the “My” of “My number”?
(ARTIFICIAL HUMAN becomes seriouslyconfused and looks at thePROSECUTING ATTORNEY)
COURT STENOGRAPHER
My, my, my, my, my!
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
Objection!
JUDGE
(Slamming his gavel) Overruled! Answer the question, Artificial Human.
ANGEL
Who is, “My”?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
My? My? My?
COURT STENOGRAPHER
(For her own concerns) My, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my!
ANGEL
(To ARTIFICIAL HUMAN, gently shaking her head up and down) Yes. My?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
(Challenging her) Who are you?
ANGEL
I am me.
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
Have we met before?
ANGEL
We just did.
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
(Confused, he comes down from the witness stand and stands in front of ANGEL, looking into her eyes and says slowly) What are you?
ANGEL
(Gentle and powerful) Me.
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
(Taking off her cape, she reveals her wings) Oooohhh. What are those?
ANGEL
Wings! Do you want to touch them?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
(Excited) May I?
COURT STENOGRAPHER
(Standing up) No touching allowed.
JUDGE
Excuse me. I am running this Court?
COURT STENOGRAPHER
Back to the machine! (She defiantly sits down)
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
(He gently goes to her wings and strokes them) They are very soft. (He fearfully looks at her) Do you fly?
ANGEL
(Gently) Well, yes.
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
I saw wings in a painting once. Whoops! (He didn’t want to reveal this) A painting that someone threw away! It was an accident that I saw it. (Looking at the Judge)
JUDGE
(To the ARTIFICIAL HUMAN) Well, was it a painting of a …. angel?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
(Shocked and shouting to the others) Forgive my rashness, Your Honor, but she does look like that painting.
(ANGEL smiles meekly)
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
Is she an angel? Is she an angel? If she is, what is she doing here?
JUDGE
Quiet Artificial Human! She is now on trial as an Artificial Human, and she will ultimately fail her test of being the ideal Artificial Human! (Glaring at the Artificial Human) She will fail her test, won’t she!
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
Yes, Your Honor.
ANGEL
What test will I fail? Tell me.
(The ARTIFICIAL HUMAN looks at
her for a long time. He is breaking down. He can’t get his eyes off her. She holds her position and does not weaken).
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
The test thatyou are like me!
ANGEL
What test will you fail?
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN