Enter Godra, Salazar. Salazar Regularly Drinks from a Hip Flask

By Kenny Boyle

ACT 1

Enter Godra, Salazar. Salazar regularly drinks from a hip flask.

Godra: Welcome everyone! Wait… where is she?

Salazar: Don’t ask me…

Enter Pauline.

Godra: Ah good! We’re all here! Then we can begin!

Pauline: Sorry I was late. I was washing my cat.

Salazar: It must have taken you ages to get the fur off your tongue.

Godra: Salazar don’t start.

Salazar: Fellow students! Here we are in Hogwarts! The only school where you are EXPECTED to curse in class.

Godra: The only school where learning spelling is exciting.

Pauline: The only school where… ummm… can’t think of another pun.

Salazar: Useless. Thank you, fellow students, for joining us tonight under these trying circumstances!

Pauline: Cheers!

Godra: Obviously all of my fellow Gryffindors know me, but I’ll introduce myself just in case there’s anyone here that doesn’t. I am Godra Feydragon, from the illustrious Feydragon family from Dufftown. I’m named after Godrick Gryffindor, legendary founder of house Gryffindor and one of the four founders of Hogwarts!

Salazar: I am Salazar Wyrmzack, from the pureblood Hogsmeade’s Wyrmzacks. I’m named after Salazar Slytherin and though he may have done some dubious things in his lifetime I am PROUD to be named after the legendary founder of house Slytherin and one of the four founders of Hogwarts!

Pauline: I’m Pauline.

Salazar: Ugh. God you’re insufferable. Wait… Gryffindor, Slytherin, clearly Hufflepuff… where’s the Ravenclaw?

Pauline: There’s only three of us here.

Salazar: Really? Are you serious? That’s hopeless! You worthless little muggleborn…

Pauline: I’m really sorry Salazar, don’t know what to tell you.

Godra: Leave her alone.

Salazar: Yes my nymph.

Godra: Don’t call me that. We do need a Ravenclaw though….

(All three turn to one audience member)

All: Rowena!

Godra: Good to see you Rowena!

Pauline: Glad you could make it!

Salazar: You’re our Ravenclaw, aren’t you?

(regardless what she says)

Godra: Typical Ravenclaw.

Pauline: Typical Ravenclaw.

Salazar: Typical. Ravenclaw.

Godra: So let’s recap why we’re all here…

Salazar: Oh god, why?

Godra: What do you mean why?

Salazar: Surely everyone that’s here knows why they’re here?

Godra: We’ll just recap…

Salazar: But why?

Godra: PLOT REASONS!

Salazar: fine.

Godra: Go ahead Pauline.

Pauline: me?

Godra: Yup.

Pauline: Godra.. you’re so cool. Okay. Here goes. Hi everyone! So, here we all are in the room of requirement! Nice, isn’t it? And we’re all here to reform Dumbledore’s army! Salazar, ask me where’s Dumbledore’s army…

Salazar: Do I have to?

Pauline: ASK ME!

Salazar: Where’s Dumbledore’s army…

Pauline: Up his sleevey!

Godra: Offt, that’s a little tasteless isn’t it Pauline? What with Dumbledore being dead?

Pauline: DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD?!

Salazar: Spoilers!

Godra: Oh come on that’s not a spoiler! He died over four years ago!

Salazar: even longer if you’re going by the books.

Godra: don’t break the fourth wall Salazar.

Salazar: Sorry my tantalising Siren.

Godra: And don’t call me that.

Salazar: Ooh! Lovers tiff!

Godra: In your dreams.

Salazar: I’m going to be honest… I didn’t think Dumbledore was as great as everyone says he was.

Godra and Pauline: WHAT?!

Salazar: I mean… he was a bit crazy wasn’t he? “Oh the Forbidden Forrest is STIRCTLY off limits for students because it’s full of creatures who will DEFINETLY kill you… unless it’s detention then I will send students into the dark woods in the middle of the night more or less unattended. 50 points to Gryffindor.

Pauline: I suppose that’s true. Plus it’s full of bugs. The other day I had detention and I had to go in and I was all like “ewwww spider” and the spider was all like “ewwww hufflepuff.”

Godra: Poor Pauline. Even the bugs bully you.

Pauline: ANYWAY. We’re all here to learn how to defend ourselves against dark wizards… now that there are murmurs of the return of You Know Who.

Salazar: Why is it that he goes by You Know Who?

Godra: Tax reasons I think. Also I guess with a name like Voldemort…

Sal and Pauline gasp

Godra: Really? You’re going to do that every time I say Voldemort?

They gasp.

Godra: because… he’s dead, you know? Harry Potter killed him. So.. there’s really no reason to be afraid of saying Voldemort.

Gasp. Pauline overgasps and goes into a mild coughing fit.

Salazar: See. That’s why you don’t say his name. Dangerous.

Godra: You know… say what you like about Vol…. About You Know Who… he always waited until the end of the school year to try to kill anyone. He never interrupted our studies. That evil guy really valued our education… you know?

Salazar: Well you would say that. Seeing as your parents will LITERALLY disown you and disinherit you if you get bad grades. Which you ARE.

Godra: ONLY IN DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS!

Salazar: But you’re getting REALLY bad grades in that.

Godra: It’s that stupid new teacher’s fault!

Salazar: Don’t you call her stupid! You’re stupid.

Pauline: What’s going on… I thought you liked Godra, Salazar. You know. Like… LIKE liked.

Salazar: What? Yes. Yes I do. Sorry my glorious Thunderbird.

Godra: Don’t call me that. Carry on Pauline.

Pauline: Will do boss.

Godra: You don’t have to call me boss..

Pauline: Maybe I could call you… best friend?

Godra: Let’s just carry on.

Pauline: There have been a STRING of muggle deaths in the nearby village of Dufftown, all children our ages, between 16 and 19, and after all of them the killer left the dark mark.

Godra: What do you think that means… Rowena?

(regardless what her answer is)

All: Typical Ravenclaw.

Salazar: I know what it means. Death Eaters….

Godra: Yes, you’d know all about them wouldn’t you Salazar?

Salazar: What’s that meant to mean!

Godra: Oh you know…

Pauline: And we all need to learn how to defend ourselves… because our new defence against the Dark Arts teacher… Simone Secretum is HORRIBLE, and teaches us NOTHING.

Godra: It’s true. She clearly hates anyone who’s not a Slytherin. She keeps giving me bad grades regardless how hard I try.

Pauline: And I can’t learn anything because whenever I get anything slightly wrong she punishes me horribly. She turned me into a badger the other day in class because I couldn’t get a spell right. I can’t learn anything under those circumstances.

Godra: That’s why I restarted Dumbledore’s army. I hated to see Pauline defenceless and struggling.

Pauline: You’re awesome Godra. Not like Simone. She’s horrible.

Salazar: She’s not that bad.

Godra: You would say that Salazar. We’ve all heard about the extra classes she’s been giving you. What is it she’s teaching you anyway Salazar?

Salazar: None of your business.

Godra: I think I know what she’s been teaching you… based on the potions I’ve heard other Slytherins say you have bubbling away in your dorm. Apparently you’ve been brewing a batch of something for over a month… now what takes a month to brew Salazar?

Pauline: Oh yes, she has such an interest in dark horrid potions that do underhanded things. Everyone knows she was a Death Eater last time. She’s evil! Simone is EVIL. Dark arts teachers are ALWAYS evil. Like… what’s the next one going to be called… Lucifer?

Godra: Mad eye Moody wasn’t evil, to be fair.

Pauline: Madeye was never really a teacher though was he?

Godra: That’s true. Probably for the best. He’d be a terrible teacher.

Pauline: Really? Why?

Godra: he can’t control his pupils.

Pauline: So you see? All EVIL.

Salazar: She ISN’T evil!

Godra: Oh stop it! The room of requirement didn’t appear for us to fight in it.

Salazar: All I need in MY room of requirement is YOU Godra.

Godra: Shut up.

Pauline: So, Salazar… would you like to show us a spell?

Salazar: What do I look like, a house elf? Here to do your bidding? Maybe one day you’ll give me a sock. Ooooh Pauline has given Salazar a SOCK! Salazar is a free elf!!

Godra: Just do it Salazar.

Salazar: Yes my little pygmy puff.

Godra: That’s strange. I didn’t think you’d know what a pygmy puff was Salazar.

Salazar: Wouldn’t I?

Godra: Wouldn’t have thought so.

Salazar: I’ll remember for next time.

Godra: What?

Salazar: Okay you horrible lot. Obviously we don’t have wands with us today because we’re just learning the basics! But I DO expect all of you to take part. Wave your arms around in the same way as we do and PRETEND you have a wand. If you’re feeling super fancy you can even use one of the pens on the tables. Everyone got that. You got that Rowena? (regardless of response) typical Ravenclaw.

Godra: Once we’ve taught you a few things you’ll be so good, you could maybe even take on Harry Potter himself!

Salazar: I could beat Harry Potter right now. Easy.

Pauline: What? No you couldn’t. How?

Salazar: Accio Glasses. Not so tough now, are you Potter?

Pauline: Wh… why did no one ever try that?

Salazar: Why does Harry even need glasses… we have potions that literally regrow the bones in your arms but we don’t have wizard equivalent laser eye surgery?

Pauline: Good point.

Godra: Stop punching holes in it! Harry Potter is an incredible person. And a Gryffindor. I think he’s amazing.

Pauline: Oh yeah? Out of ten how big a Harry Potter Fan are you?

Godra: Oh… I’d say… 9 ¾

They laugh.

Salazar: Oh God.

Godra: What?

Salazar: I’m just hoping soon I’ll wake up and a doctor will tell me all this nonsense was just a dream I had after I knocked myself out by running headlong into the train station wall.

Godra: Whatever.

Salazar: I’m just saying – Harry Potter is so dumb he couldn’t even tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.

Pauline: Why not?

Salazar: They’re both cauldron.

Pauline: Harry Potter is cool Salazar! I wish I could talk to snakes.

Godra: You kind of are Pauline.

Pauline: Oh oh! How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

Godra: Don’t know, how?

Pauline: Walking. (pause) JK! Rowling!

Salazar: So the first spell is an unforgiveable curse. So you must never ever use this. Because it murders people. Got it?

Pauline: So why we teaching them it?

Godra: Plot reasons.

Pauline: got it.

Salazar: The spell is… AVADA KEDAVRA

Godra: Wow, nice delivery!

Salazar: I took extracurricular classes on swishing and dramatic flair. We call it “Snapeing”. So, after me everyone. Exactly as I do… AVADA KEDAVRA.

They do. If they don’t, give them the old “what do you call that” panto treatment.

Salazar: And then BANG! Your target will drop down dead without a mark! Hey Godra..

Godra: Yes?

Salazar: Did someone Avada Kedavra you? Because you’re drop dead gorgeous.

Pauline: Killing people in the wizarding world is kinda scarily easy.

Salazar: Yes, but it’s unforgivable.

Pauline: It’s sort of unforgivable in the muggle world too…

Salazar: Shut up Pauline.

Godra: Okay, Now I’ll show you a few. This one is unforgivable too. Repeat after me: CRUCIO!

They do.

Godra: Crucio causes incredible pain.

Salazar: Godra… being without you is like being afflicted with the Cruciatus Curse.

Godra: Shut up. Next: EXPELLIARMUS

They repeat

Godra: Expelliarmus knocks the wand out of your opponent’s hand.

Salazar: Are YOU Expelliarmus, cause your smile is disarming.

Godra: Shut up. Next up: CONFUNDUS

They repeat.

Godra: Confundus confuses your opponent.

Salazar: Are YOU confundus… because I’m confused we’re not together.

Pauline: Will you stop?! Just leave her alone!

Salazar: Oh that’s rich coming from the only person who would get smarter from a confundus spell!

Pauline: She doesn’t like you! You’re so ugly you petrified the Basilisk

Salazar: You’re so stupid you tried to eat Cornelius Fudge!

Pauline: You’re so ugly, not even a dementor would kiss you!

Salazar: You’re so boring you looked in the mirror of Erised and it was just you with a different haircut!

Pauline: You stink so bad Dobby wouldn’t have taken your sock!

Salazar: YOU stink so bad that Bertie Bots is making you his next bean flavour.

Pauline: You… I….

Salazar: You’re so stupid your Boggart is a book!

Pauline: Well… I…

Salazar: You’re so boring your patronus is a rock.

Pauline: Stop it!

Salazar: Hufflepuff. You’re just upset because your house name sounds like a breakfast cereal.

Pauline: Oh Godra, WHY did we have to let him join? He’s a BULLY, just like his stupid Death Eater girlfriend Simone the dark arts teacher.

Salazar: She’s NOT a Death Eater.

Pauline: You WOULD say that. Because your parents were Death Eaters too, weren’t they Salazar?

Salazar: I… were they?

Godra: Pauline that’s not true.

Pauline: I just hate bullies. I always have. Ever since I was in primary school. I got bullied ALL the time because we moved around a lot.

Salazar: Why are you trying to teach spells to everyone anyway Pauline? You can’t teach anyone anything, stupid mudblood, you can’t even do any spells!

Pauline: I can too! I’ve got an apparition license! Which is more than YOU have. I can apparate like an auror!

Salazar: Oh is that why your dorm is full of little trophies? Do you make yourself one every time you apparate?

Pauline: How do you know about my trophies! How did you get in to the Hufflepuff dorm? No one would let a Slytherin in!

Salazar: Oh I have my ways.

Pauline: You’re lying. You’re just jealous because I can apparate so well and you can’t.

Salazar: Who cares. I don’t need to apparate. I’ll just… I don’t know… fly a hippogryph or something. Stupid Mudblood. I live in Hogsmeade to stay away from people like you!

Pauline: Why is he here Godra? Let’s kick him out!

Godra: We can’t. I thought it was important that we don’t let the old divisions come about again. We’ll need all of the houses to be united if we’re going to fight Volde.. You know Who. Every house. United. Don’t you want that Pauline.

Pauline: Yes. You’re right. I’ve been so stupid. We need to work together… Hufflehug?

Godra: sure.

Salazar: Really?

Godra: Salazar!

Salazar: Fine.

They group hug.

Godra: Ummm…. I think I very clearly said we need EVERY HOUSE to work together.

Pauline: Yeah, we’re missing someone...

Salazar: Rowena?

Encourage her to group hug.

Salazar: Okay… on with the spells…

Pauline: oh…

Godra: What’s wrong Pauline?

Pauline: Nothing, nothing.

Salazar: Okay then. On with the spells….

Pauline: Oh….

Godra: Pauline?

Pauline: Nothing it’s fine.

Salazar: Okay then…

Pauline: oooooooooh….

Godra: Pauline what is it?

Pauline: I need to go to the bathroom.

Salazar: You’ve GOT to be kidding me?

Godra: Leave her alone Salazar! Okay Pauline, but be quick. And remember not to be seen!

Salazar: With Filch still roaming the corridors and with the curfew in effect you could ruin this for all of us.

Pauline: Why IS the curfew back in effect?

Salazar: because of all the murders in Dufftown, obviously, stupid muggleborn.

Godra: That and the missing ingredients from potions class. Someone has stolen lacewing flies, powdered bicorn horn and fluxweed. Heaps of them!

Godra: Is there any way you could disguise yourself so Filch won’t see you on your way?

Salazar: You can’t do much but you are pretty good transfiguration… could you turn yourself into a mouse or something?

Pauline: Turn myself into an animal… you can’t be SIRIUS.

Salazar: I am… I’m DEAD Sirius.

Godra: Hey! Too soon!

Pauline: But no. I AM really good at transfiguration, but I’m no Animagus. It’s okay… I’ll just go quickly.

Exit Pauline.

Salazar: Alone at last….

Godra: Oh shut up Salazar. I hate to ask… but have you been following Pauline anymore? Have you seen anything else suspicious?

Salazar: What? What did I see?

Godra: You don’t remember?

Salazar: Remind me.

Godra: Never mind. So you live in Hogsmeade. Is it strange that you have to get permission slips to go there?

Salazar: Your darn right it is! I don’t know how we can go to a school where ghosts freely wander the halls, teachers have been known to be werewolves, and we play a sport that is basically flying murderball be we need a permission slip to go down to the shops!

Godra: I’d hardly call Quidditch flying murder ball. You just say that because you hate Quidditch.

Salazar: I just don’t know why we don’t just get the whole team to all hunt the snitch. It literally wins the game.