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Words That Hurt
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me….”
To bad this children’s rhyme is wrong. In fact, while no parent would intentionally heap verbal abuse on a child, many of the seemingly harmless things that so often pop out of our mouth---like “Can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?”---Can cause emotional injury and dramatically damage a youngster’s self-esteem.
“The words we use are among the major criteria by which a child---even one as young as 12 months old---develop a sense of identity,” says Larry A. Stone, M.D., president of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. “Before adolescence, a youngster links primarily to her parents to define her sense of self. The impressions she receives—in words, gestures and manners—are like a mirror reflecting back critical information about who she is and what she will become.”
But, before you start berating yourself for last weeks slip of the tongue, keep in mind that true harm is a result of years of continued verbal aggression. What’s more, you can learn to censor hurtful remarks, even when you’re angry, frustrated or exhausted; by understanding how phrases hurt and what you can say instead to get your message across.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You’re such a bad boy! Can’t you get through a single meal without spilling something?”
“Comments like these link misbehavior to a child’s character and attack the person, not the problem,” says Susan Ginsberg, Ed.D., author of Family Wisdom. They also cause shame and do nothing to encourage appropriate behavior. “Your child simply feels guilty about what he did and fears punishment,” Dr. Ginsberg explains.
Asking “What’s wrong with you?” is also a rhetorical question that has no satisfactory answer. Kids do things because they’re kids,” notes Dr. Ginsberg. “They’re tired, hungry, curious or want to test your reactions. It’s unreasonable to expect a child to understand and articulate his motivations.”
Next Time
Try saying something like “You seem to be having trouble pouring the milk. Let’s figure out what we can do to make it easier.” This way, you send the message that we all make mistakes and can learn from them.
You can further help a child to distinguish between doing something bad and being a bad person by describing the behavior you don’t approve of and by involving your child in the problem-solving process. Say to him “It’s dangerous to play with this vase because it’s glass and it can break and hurt you. Can you think of something better to play with instead?”
“Stop making a big deal over nothing.” What’s a kid got to feel sad about?” “Snap out of it.” “You are such a cry baby.”
Why it hurts.
“More than any other, this kind of statement lack empathy, one of the building blocks of self-esteem,” says Eugene Beresin, M.D., a Psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School in Boston. To a 3-year-old whose balloon has popped or a 7-year-old who struck out in the final inning with bases loaded, a minor incident can feel like a tragedy. Statements that minimize a child’s feelings teach her that emotions don’t matter and that she can’t trust perceptions.
Next time say,
‘Oh no, your balloon popped! That’s terrible.” Then divert your child’s attention to something else. Or try “I know it’s very upsetting to be the one to strike out. I’d be upset too.” Then give her a few minutes to calm down before adding, “You know, that’s the problem with sports; sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But you’re working on your swing and maybe next time you’ll get a hit.” This shows that you respect your child’s feelings and helps her put things into perspective.
Why can’t you be more like…. Your sister is such a good girl; you should try harder to listen like she does… You should have tried harder… So, who won the race?
Why it hurts.
“There are no virtues in comparisons,” observes Robert Brooks, Ph.D., a psychologist at Harvard Medical School. “Besides, most children from the age of 4 onward already compare themselves with others.” Your son knows who the fastest runner is, or which classmate got the highest grade on the math quiz. When you remind him that he can’t sing as well as Sarah or isn’t as well behaved as Jason, he may begin to feel hopeless and give up altogether. You also make the other child a target for his anger.
Even positive comparisons can backfire. When you say, “You’re as good at drawing as your brother is!” up one sibling against the other.” A child likes to carve out his own areas of competence,” Dr. Brooks points out. Though you want your child to be ambitious and motivated, life shouldn’t feel like one Olympic trail after another.
Next time say
Make it clear in a matter-of-fact way that you want to help: “You’re doing so well in social studies, but spelling seems harder for you. Would you like to practice your spelling words with me every day?”
“Why do you always give me such a hard time? You never listen to a word I say. You’re always making me late!”
Why it hurts.
Generalizations and words like always and never are concepts that don’t apply in real life. They are also self-defeating since they impart a sense of failure. “All children want to please their parents,” says Dr. Brooks, “and negative generalizations sound like a declaration of a child’s failure. You might as well say “You’re hopeless; give up.” What’s more, your youngster may passively accept your statement and do just that—or he may go on the attack and hurl nasty cracks at you. Either way, he’ll be bitter that you have so little faith in him.
Consider also that some generalizations, like remarks that a child is always making you late, may mask a tendency of yours to shift blame onto others. Think about it: Is your child really making you late, or do you need to manage your time better?
Next time
Tell your child how his behavior makes you feel: “When you talk rudely to me, I feel sad” or “It makes me angry when you don’t pick up your toys after I’ve asked you several times”. Target your comments to each situation as it arises without bringing up past history. And avoid statements beginning with the word YOU (You never close the refrigerator after you open it), since these are guaranteed to provoke adverse reaction.
What you say about yourself can hurt your kid, too.
Don’t say…”I’m so fat! I’ll never get this right. I’ve never been much of a cook.”
Because…Your child absorbs your attitudes and beliefs. When you place self-limiting labels on yourself, you teach your child to think in negative ways.
Instead…Talk about the specific situation in a nonjudgmental way: “Whenever this dress feels tight, I know it’s time to head for the gym” or Filling out tax forms sure takes concentration.”
Don’t say…”Why do things like this always happen to me? I never have any luck. Why can’t I get a break in life?”
Because…You are teaching learned helplessness; you want to instill an optimistic, can-do attitude in your youngster.
Instead… state the fact and hold the dramatics: “It upsets me that the car has to be in the shop for 2 days, but we’ll figure out a way to get around without it.”
Don’t say…This is the worst haircut I’ve ever gotten. That new client of mine is themost difficult man on earth.”
Because…Overreacting teaches your child that little problems can be big ones, instead of showing him how to put life’s ups and downs in perspective.
Instead…Don’t hide your feelings, but make it clear that people can cope with setbacks and effect change. “I’m disappointed with this haircut, but a little gel will help”.
How many times have I told you not to…? I told you so. I’ve asked you a million times…”
Why it hurts:
When a child as young as 3 makes a mistake, she knows it. “She feels just as stupid and vulnerable as a grownup does, and, just like a grownup, she doesn’t appreciate being reminded of it,” says Dr. Stone. It’s also likely that your youngster had a perfectly good reason for doing what she did. Perhaps she wanted to experiment, to be independent, or to try something new. When you condemn her attempts, you humiliate her and make her angry. That can discourage her from thinking on her own, cause her to shy away from new situations, or make her rebel even more. Finally, the meaning of “I told you so” is the belief that the child can’t do any better..
Next time
Say “You tried it your way and it didn’t work out. I know how that feels. Would you like some help? Maybe together we can figure out where you went wrong.” Keep expectations realistic and address the specific issue at hand without a lecture. Try to pinpoint when or why your child got derailed. Did your 4-year-old knock over the lamp becauseshe was trying to clean up her room and make you happy? Then facilitate the cleanup by supplying easy-access containers or shelves. Did your 9-year-old fail to finish an assignment because she was trying to do too many things in one week? Buy her an appointment book and have her pencil in her commitments so she won’t leave a big report for the same night she has basketball practice.
And if you find yourself saying something over and over again, realize that your message is not getting through to your child and that you need to reconsider your approach.
“You’re such a slob! Oh, you know Jake, he has 2 left feet.”
Why it hurts:
Labeling or typecasting a child is an insult that diminishes his identity and makes him feel attacked, bitter and vulnerable”, says Dr. Stone. “Rather than give a child important information about how he can deal with a particular situation, labeling is a declaration that you’ve already determined who he is and what he will become”. In effect, you’re saying, “The judgement is in. This is who you are” instead of “Here’s what I know you can be”. If you teach a child that he’s clumsy, for example, you destroy any motivation he may have to try to succeed in sports in the future. If you tell him repeatedly that he’s sloppy or lazy, he begins to believe it and gives up trying to be neater or work harder.
Everyone has an Achilles’ heel and parents know all too well their child’s most vulnerable points. “To draw attention to them, especially in front of others, is cruel,” says Dr. Stone.
Next time…
Say exactly what you mean: “This room is messy. Please put your crayons back in the container” or simply “Put the crayons back in the box and put them up”.
Pay attention to how you describe your youngster, both to yourself and to others, and be aware of the nicknames you use (“my little slowpoke,” for example). Also, make note of times your child behaves in unexpected ways, and think about the flip side of every trait or label: Your “crybaby” is also sensitive and caring; your “wild man” is fearless and energetic; your “lazy bones” is calm and easygoing.
If, in a moment of stress or anger, you say something you regret, don’t beat yourself up. “You’re human,” says Dr. Brooks, “and if you slip up once in a while it doesn’t mean your child will be in therapy for 15 years”. But do apologize, immediately, without going into excruciating detail about why you said what you did. Simply say, “I’msorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. I’m having a bad day.” Not only does this make a child feel respected, it teaches him the critical lesson that we all make mistakes and that when we do, we can use words to make things better.
October 1997 Child Magazine. Margery D. Rosen