Skill Building Exercises – Relationships and Interpersonal Communication, Ch. 10
Self-Test: What Type of Relationship Do You Prefer?
Respond to each of the following 16 statements by indicating the degree to which you agree with each. Encircle high if you agree strongly, med if you agree moderately (medium), and low if you feel little agreement. For now, don’t be concerned with the fact that these terms appear in different positions in the columns to the right. Note that in some cases there are only two alternatives. When you agree with an alternative that appears twice, circle it both times.
Col 1 / Col 2 / Col 3Ideology of Traditionalism [the extent to which you believe in the traditional sex roles for couples]
1. A woman should take her husband’s last name when she marries. / High / Low / Med2. Our wedding ceremony was (will be) very important to us. / High / Low / Med
Ideology of Uncertainty and Change [the extent to which you tolerate and welcome unpredictability and change]
3. In marriage/close relationships, there should be no constraints or restrictions on individualfreedom. / Low / High / Med4. The ideal relationship is one marked by novelty, humor, and spontaneity. / Low / High / Med
Sharing [the extent to which you share your feelings for each other and engage in significant self-disclosure]
5. We tell each other how much we love or care about each other. / High / Med / Low6. My spouse/mate reassures and comforts me when I am feeling low. / High / Med / Low
Autonomy [the extent to which you each retain your own identify and autonomy]
7. I have my own private work space (study, workshop, utility room, etc.). / Low / High / High8. My spouse has his/her own private work space (workshop, utility, etc.). / Low / High / High
Undifferentiated Space [the extent to which you each have your own space and privacy]
9. I feel free to interrupt my spouse/mate when he/she is concentrating on something if he/she is in my presence. / High / High / Low10. I open my spouse/mate’s personal mail without asking permission. / High / Med / Low
Temporal Regularity [the extent to which you spend time together]
11. We eat our meals (i.e., the ones at home) at the same time every day. / High / Low / High12. In our house, we keep a fairly regular daily time schedule. / High / Low / High
Conflict Avoidance [the extent to which you seek to avoid conflict and confrontation]
13. If I can avoid arguing about some problems, they will disappear. / Med / Low / High14. It is better to hide one’s true feelings in order to avoid hurting your spouse/mate. / Med / Low / High
Assertiveness [the extent to which you assert your own rights]
15. We are likely to argue in front of friends or in public places / Low / Med / Med16. My spouse/mate tries to persuade me to do something I do not want to do / Low / Med / Med
These statements are from Mary Anne Fitzpatrick’s Relational Dimensions Instrument and are reprinted by permission of Mary Anne Fitzpatrick.
How did you do? The responses noted in column 1 are characteristic of traditionals. The number of circled items in this column, then, indicates your agreement with and similarity to those considered “traditionals.” Responses noted in column 2 are characteristic of independents; those noted in column 3 are characteristic of separates.
Traditional couples share a basic belief system and philosophy of life. They see themselves as a blending of two persons into a single couple rather than as two separate individuals. They’re interdependent and believe that an individual’s independence must be sacrificed for the good of the relationship. Traditionals believe in mutual sharing and do little separately. This couple holds to the traditional sex roles, and there are seldom any role conflicts. There are few power struggles and few conflicts because each person knows and adheres to a specified role within the relationship. In their communications, traditionals are highly responsive to each other. Traditionals lean toward each other, smile, talk a lot, interrupt each other, and finish each other’s sentences.
Independents stress their individuality. The relationship is important but never more important than each person’s individual identity. Although independents spend a great deal of time together, they don’t ritualize it, for example, with schedules. Each individual spends time with outside friends. Independents see themselves as relatively androgynous, as individuals who combine the traditionally feminine and the traditionally masculine roles and qualities. The communication between independents is responsive. They engage in conflict openly and without fear. Their disclosures are quite extensive and include highrisk and negative disclosures that are typically absent among traditionals.
Separates live together but view their relationship more as a matter of convenience than a result of their mutual love or closeness. They seem to have little desire to be together and, in fact, usually are together only at ritual functions, such as mealtime or holiday gettogethers. It’s important to these separates that each has his or her own physical as well as psychological space. Separates share little; each seems to prefer to go his or her own way. Separates hold relatively traditional values and beliefs about sex roles, and each person tries to follow the behaviors normally assigned to each role. What best characterizes this type, however, is that each person sees himself or herself as a separate individual and not as a part of a “we.”
In addition to these three pure types, there are also combinations. For example, in the separatetraditional couple one individual is a separate and one a traditional. Another common pattern is the traditionalindependent, in which one individual believes in the traditional view of relationships and one in autonomy and independence.
What will you do? How might you use these insights in your own relationships? For example, does this self-test enable you to better understand your own needs or the needs of your partner? How might you go about helping your partner better satisfying his or her needs while also enabling you to satisfy your needs?