Provider Response Form

Welcome to the Writing Lab!

Analysis and recommendations regarding specific parts of your paper are included in the tutor response form. A copy of your paper is also posted below this form, and it includes additional comments in brackets. Please feel free to resubmit your paper for further review after using our comments and suggestions to make the recommended changes. If you have additional questions, you can direct them to .

Thank you for choosing the Writing Lab, and best wishes with your revisions!

Part 1 – Overview

Thank you for your submission and your comments. Because you asked for specific feedback regarding your thesis, I have gone into some detail below as to how you can improve the wording of this sentence in particular.

Grammar notes are included using in-text comments in the body of your paper.

Part 2 – Main Idea/Thesis

Your thesis does a good job of previewing the three categories you will discuss. It definitely states your main idea.

Because the thesis is such an important sentence, the language of this sentence could be even more precise.

Your thesis: Aim for the stars, while you are being an active learner, getting to know others, and participating in events.

The word “while” here doesn’t imply a cause and effect relationship between achieving the goal (“the stars”) and the tips you offer for success. In addition, the idea of “aiming for the stars” is really a fourth tip – that motivation and goal setting are important. I recommend that you play with the wording of this sentence a bit. In particular try to find a better word than “while” to relate the two clauses of this sentence.

Part 3 – Introduction and Conclusion

Your current introduction tends to repeat the three tips in different ways in different sentences. An introduction can actually do much more than that! It is your opportunity to set the stage, give relevant background information, and really get your reader excited about your topic. I am including an informational handout on introductions at the bottom of this review to help you develop this important skill.

Part 4 – Development

Your body paragraphs are all supported by relevant examples. Now, work at adding even more details. I have included in-text comments in the context of your paper below to help you come up with ideas.

Part 5 – Organization

Your essay shows that you have a solid sense of essay structure. However, some transitions between paragraphs are not yet as smooth as they could be. Begin by adding more details to your body paragraphs. This can produce the result that the topic has been discussed fully, and the reader may feel more ready to move on to the next point. Then work at creating “verbal bridges” between the last sentence of one paragraph and the first sentence of the next. When you use a “verbal bridge” you might repeat certain words or phrases in each of the two neighboring sentences.

Example from your paper:

Professors will help you understand and achieve your goals.

Students should always be involved with their school activities.

Revised to demonstrate a verbal bridge:

Professors will help you understand and achieve your goals. They can also help you get more involved in the college and become more active in campus life.

Students should always be involved with their school activities.

In this example, the verbal bridge includes repeating the word “involved” and repeating the related ideas of “active” and “activities.” The reader is able to make the transition between the two paragraphs more smoothly because of these repeated words, or verbal bridges.

Part 6 – Style

Your optimistic, encouraging voice comes through in this work! These tips are inspiring to the reader.

Improve your writing style even more now by adding more specific details and precise language. Don’t be afraid to use more sentences than what you have in order to make your points even more clear.

Part 7 – Grammar, Usage, and Mechanics

Please use The Brainfuse Essential Grammar Guide to identify and edit errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics.You can view the guide by clicking on this link below and logging in to Brainfuse:

Some grammar notes are included in the text of your paper below.

If you would like additional feedback on your grammar, usage, and mechanics, please resubmit your paper and request a “Grammar Review.”

Part 8 – Formatting

Please use the Brainfuse Style Guides for information on citation and formatting.

APA

MLA

Chicago Style

Additional Comments

I have also added specific comments to select paragraphs in your paper. You will find them in brackets below.

Note that your paper has been copied into this file. Please make all changes to your own original file to maintain the header and footers.

What three tips would you give for student success? You need to be an active learner, get to know others and your professors. You should also participate in events around campus. You don’t want to be known as the person who doesn’t get out much and that lives a sheltered life. In order to be successful, you must get out and do things. Aim for the stars, while you are being an active learner, getting to know others, and participating in events.

Active learners like hands-on activities and love being involved. [Add more details here to further define the term “active learner.”]Its very important that students become active learners sooner or later, during their time in high school or college [review the difference between its and it’s- you’re looking for the one that means it is]. Being an active learner will also show your teachers and others that you care. Teachers may see that you are trying and will help when needed. Being an active learner will help you succeed in life.

Making friends and getting to know your professors are real key points[word choice -consider revising]. When you think of a friend, you automatically think of someone who is always there for you. Getting new friends is important, so that you can get help with homework or if you need a study partner [use more precise language in this last phrase to make your meaning clearer; you may want to use more than one sentence to tell your ideas]. When you think of a professor, you think of someone you can rely on and look up too. [Add details/tips about how students can get to know their professors.] Professors will help you understand and achieve your goals.

Students should always be involved with their school activities. Whether its playing sports, participating in an academic club, or a special event, one must be interactive[review parallel structure]. [Add information on how: What is the best way to get started?] This will show that you are interested in your school and its activities. [What else will this accomplish?] Being involved will help you stay focused and meet new people. The more people that you know the more you learn from one another.

There are plenty of ways for success, you just have to want it bad enough. Education is one of many paths that you can take to find success. One must be hard-working, open minded, and dedicated in order to reach their goal [“one” is singular but “their” is plural; change one of these words so that they will both agree in number]. Education will lead you to success and success will lead you to a bright future. Success is something that everyone should desire.