RESPECT THE HOUSE OF GOD
PROPS: (2) bathroom plungers, (6) pieces of paper – 2 for each side, and an extra piece taped to the bottom of one chair on each side, (1) box of crayons, (1) coloring book, (1) Dr. Suess book, (1) offering bowl, (2) sticks of chewing gum – 1 for each side
ALL PROPS should be right next to the performers who will be using them, except for the bathroom plungers, which should be back stage.
SCENE 1: Sanctuary
(6 chairs are set up together to form a pew. ASHLEY is seated in the middle; EDDIE sits on one end. They are waiting for the service to begin. CELINE enters and sits on the end opposite EDDIE, who unwraps a piece of chewing gum and begins to chew it.)
CELINE: (loudly) Hey, Eddie; did I miss anything while I was in the bathroom?
EDDIE: Nope. Just some dumb announcements. Now they’re taking the offering (he passes the offering bowl to ASHLEY after playing the drums on it for a little while. ASHLEY passes it to CELINE).
CELINE: (she puts it on her head) Hey, look! I’m a soldier! (she then passes it to an usher by putting it on the floor behind her)
SOUND EFFECTS: Preaching Tape Begins
CELINE: It’s so boring in big church.
EDDIE: Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s fly some paper airplanes!
CELINE: Okay!
EDDIE: (he makes one for CELINE) Here you go! (he flies it to CELINE and then makes another one for himself, and flies it also. CELINE flies it back to him, and they both fly their airplanes a few more times)
ASHLEY: (she has been reading her Dr. Suess book most of this time, but now she puts it down, distracted. ASHLEY then intercepts both airplanes and crumples them) You know what? You guys are really disturbing the service.
EDDIE: What do you mean, Ashley? We’re not bothering anyone . . . except maybe you.
ASHLEY: Do you really think those paper airplanes are invisible? They’re distracting everyone behind us!
CELINE: Aw, come on, Ashley; you never want to have any fun!
ASHLEY: There’s a time for fun. But not here and not now. This is the house of God.
CELINE: Okay, I’ll be a good little girl and just color for a while (she opens up the coloring book and starts to color). Oops! I got some crayon marks on the pew. No problem . . . that’s why they have people clean up around here.
EDDIE: You got some crayon marks on the pew? You must be terrible at coloring!
CELINE: Oh yeah? I’m probably better than you!
EDDIE: No, you’re not! Not if you accidentally color the pew!
CELINE: Well, I bet I can beat you in arm wrestling.
EDDIE: No you can’t!
CELINE: Yes, I can! Are you chicken?
EDDIE: No.
CELINE: Well, come on then.
EDDIE: Okay.
(EDDIE moves next to CELINE and they arm wrestle. EDDIE wins.)
EDDIE: See! I told you that you couldn’t beat me. I’m a pro! Hey, Ashley; do you want to arm wrestle?
ASHLEY: Of course not! I can’t believe you two are arm wrestling in church!
EDDIE: Well, we’re not any more (EDDIE returns to his chair). Hey, Ashley; you got any gum?
ASHLEY: No, I don’t.
EDDIE: Well, I’m going to go to the bathroom. I have to throw away the gum I’m chewing. It’s all out of flavor now. (he starts to stand up)
ASHLEY: No! Don’t get up and go to the bathroom just to throw your gum away.
EDDIE: Well, it has to go somewhere (he sticks it to the paper under his chair).
CELINE: Well, I’m going to the bathroom and nobody’s going to stop me!
ASHLEY: Didn’t you already go a few minutes ago?
CELINE: Yeah. So what? (She gets up and goes into the puppet booth. She returns with two plungers.) Hey! Look what I found in the bathroom!
EDDIE: But what could we do with them?
CELINE: Well, I’ve always heard that if you stick them together, it’s almost impossible to pull them apart again.
EDDIE: Cool! Let’s try it. (He moves over by CELINE again. They stick the plungers together and try to pull them apart.
(SAM/GREG/ANALEE enters as the MOM/DAD and walks over next to CELINE with hands on hips to show a serious attitude toward what’s going on. CELINE let’s go of the plunger and goes flying into MOM/DAD)
MOM/DAD: Both of you are in big trouble! It’s time for a major spanking!
(THEY both follow MOM/DAD out the hallway door)
THE END