PASTORAL THEOLOGY

LECTURE 45

THE PASTOR’S WIFE II

It is good for a (man) Pastor not to be alone… you are there for the Pastor… you are good for the Pastor.

A Pastor who is not married will most likely be lacking some very needy help in his life and the ministry.

You are designed by God to help him. But where does a Pastor need ‘help’ at? Just spend a day at the Pastor’s house and you will see just how much help this ‘poor’ man needs. Sometimes the ‘brains behind the operation’ is the Pastor’s wife. She keeps him on track; the whole ‘thing moving along’.

In a church plant, the Pastor’s wife is basically ‘forced’ into a plurality of roles in the ‘ministry’ of that church. Who else is going to be helping the Pastor with things initially (other than a 2nd man, if there)? That first year, who is going to be the children’s teacher? the nursery worker? the kitchen worker? the building cleaner? the ladies’ teacher? etc., etc.. Thus, the Pastor’s wife here will get somewhat use to doing these things and may decide to continue on in having a major role in the various church ministries. However, as the church body matures and increases in number, the Pastor’s wife needs to be willing to hand some of these ministries over to other capable hands. Remember, you are to be training up Pastor’s wives just like the Pastor is to be training up Pastors. If a man feels called to the pastorate, make sure you are spending a lot of time with his wife…teach her ‘the ropes’; counsel her; encourage her; pray with her.

TAMPA - Paula and Randy White, who built Without Walls International Church into a powerful ministry that attracted celebrities and a fortune in donations, traded duties at the pulpit today, as Paula White returned to the church as its senior pastor.

"Mama is back," White told the congregations at the 9 and 11 a.m. services, in turning over the church to his ex-wife, whose dynamic preaching helped build Without Walls into one of the fastest-growing Christian ministries in the country.

"I'm not visiting. I'm home. I'm here," Paula White said at the 11 a.m. service. "I look forward to leading you into the place that God has designated and designed for us."

White stepped down as the church's pastor in 2007, after the Whites announced they were divorcing, and turned her attention to a soaring career as a televangelist with a worldwide following, life coach and author.

What are the Biblical guidelines for a Pastor’s wife? None, frankly.

Though, the Deacon’s wife has some:

1 Tim 3:11 Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things.

However, if it is good for a Deacon’s wife, why wouldn’t it be equally as good for a Pastor’s wife?

Which is more hurtful to a church? A Deacon’s wife who has poor character, or a Pastor’s wife?.....

It may very well be that as the man goes on to eventually becoming a Pastor, via being a Deacon for a time, so, likewise, the man’s wife goes thru being a Deacon’s wife (not a deaconess) and then eventually a Pastor’s wife.

Interestingly, at Bible Baptist Church of Oak Harbor, from what I have been told, Mrs. Prisk (Senior Pastor’s wife) wasn’t significantly involved in the ministry (outwardly), whereas Mrs. Sargeant (Co-Pastor’s wife) was very involved. I suppose it all boils down to what the respective husband desires for his wife.

The Pastor’s wife is to ‘guide the home’ (1 Tim 3:4,5)…namely, the Pastor’s house. Quite an important house, indeed. It needs to be a very clean, pure, well organized, peaceful home. It should be the standard for the other lady’s homes of the church. Make sure not to have a sloppy, smelly, unattractive, chaotic, home….for just think if you invited that new family over that is considering church membership and they see that the Pastor (really, the Pastor’s wife) is sloppy, smelly, unattractive, chaotic, etc.. They may not be back.

She is not to guide the church…but the home. Let your husband (the Pastor) do what he is called to do. You may have some very keen observations to pass on to him, but let him make the final decisions on things. Don’t go against him at home concerning things with the church ministry. Always support him, even if you ‘know’ he’s wrong; tell him your thoughts, but always, in the end, back him. He needs you…

Be willing to be the Pastor’s assistant…be at his ‘beck and call’…fill in all the holes…be ready and willing.

“Honey, can you pick up the kids for Kidz Klub tonite?”

“Honey, would you be able to mail off these bills for me today?”

“Honey, if you could, the bank deposit needs to be made before 4pm.”

“Honey, would you decorate the downstairs for BillyBob’s Birthday celebration this Sunday evening?”

“Honey, Sister Aholibama won’t be able to clean the building this Friday, could you?”

“Honey, I need help organizing this preacher’s conference; could you take care of all the refreshments and food?”

“Honey, please call Sister Shannanana to ask her if she is ok with Children’s church being changed to 4:30pm.”

“Honey, can you take the church’s van in for an oil change tomorrow?”

“Honey, when you get a chance today, could you have 100 flyers printed up for soulwinning tomorrow?”

“Honey, tomorrow, before church services, could you find out more about the Church’s fellowship plans for the 4th?”

“Honey, I know it’s late…but Sister Ugatoobeekidin just called and said she can’t teach tomorrow…will you?”

You probably will be the main counselor for all the women:

The Pastor should never do this alone.

Sometimes it is best if you counsel them alone…for they may be more open, more free, for sincere without the Pastor there.

You will be doing an enormous amount of phone counseling (1-900…); over tea or over a mochachino. It may be for many hours every day…women ‘need’ that convo time.

You, as the Pastor’s wife, might very well be the one key person holding the whole church together. The vast majority of the church are women. The women often are easily bothered, frustrated, needing encouragement, filled with problems at home, and need the one ‘strong one’ to keep them going straight. If the women start falling apart, so does the church.

Don’t appear ‘insubordinate’ to your husband (the Pastor) in public (or really, even at home). Don’t ever argue with, say no to, or otherwise get upset with, your husband (the Pator) in public. This may easily rub off on others; they may think that they can get away with it too. Even if you are firestorming mad at your husband (the Pastor), never show it at church…never….never give them the slightest hint that you are. For if you do, the rumor mill will begin and you may have a real firestorm on your hands!

Don’t be too ‘familiar’ with your husband (the Pastor) in public (at church). Save all your hugs and kisses for at home. You don’t want the other women viewing your husband that way, do you? Also, avoid calling him by his first name ‘at church’; don’t say ‘honey’, or ‘Willey-poo’, or ‘dear’…call him what you want everyone else to call him…Pastor.

Lead the way on how you want other women to treat your husband (their Pastor); you be the ensample to follow.

Nearly 60 percent of ministers’ wives are in the secular work force. Many have enterred it in order ‘to make ends meet’; to make up for what the church can’t (or won’t) give. This can make for a very, very tired and stressed Pastor, Pastor’s family, and Pastor’s wife. I don’t recommend it at all. It’s probably fine to be working mostly from the home much like the Proverb’s 31:10+ woman did…but not away from the home with a 9-5 M-F job.

The Pastor’s wife sets the example for all the other wives in the church…whether or not you want it that way…

You are the standard for the ladies of the church’s godliness. If you wear pants to Walmart…then they most likely will; if you wear wild hairdo’s then they may well do the same; if you don’t homeschool, they surely won’t be likely to; if you drive fast, what is going to hinder them from doing such; if you follow a career path, they may follow…

Don’t try and please all the women; don’t try and be something that you’re not; don’t assume that you’ve got to be all things to all women. For, you could easily get burned out at all this, and can find yourself wanting to run away from it all…even to run away with someone else…someone else who didn’t ‘expect so much of her’.

Remember, you’re not alone. Delegate, delegate, delegate! You’ve got 3, 5, 10, maybe 20 other women in the church that are more than capable of handling some of these activities that you are encumbered with on a daily basis. Share the wealth; let them be helpers to the Pastor, too…but, only to a lesser degree; you be the biggest helper to your hubby…

It is a tricky balance: you are not ‘Mrs. Pastor’ or the Co-Pastor with your husband; but, you are not suppose to be an insignificant part of the ministry. You need to be busy helping your husband, but not the only one doing all the work; you are to be a great encouragement to the ladies, but not act like their Shepherdess. You shouldn’t let the men push you around as being relatively insignificant, but shouldn’t be insubordinate to them either. You often are in a leadership role, but never over any of the men. You are married to the Pastor, but don’t use that to your advantage in manipulating people. You deserve great respect just by being the Pastor’s wife, but also should be looked at as every lady’s best friend.

Mrs. C.H. Spurgeon

[By Susan Verstraete]

Country Hick: Charles Spurgeon was only nineteen years old when he was called to be the pastor of the New Park Street Chapel, the church Susannah Thompson attended occasionally with friends. She was singularly unimpressed when she first heard him preach. The eloquence and powerful sermons of the "boy preacher" were the talk of London, but all Susannah could see was a country bumpkin with a bad haircut, a ridiculous blue polka dot handkerchief and a black silk cravat that was much too large to be in style.

As Susannah listened to Spurgeon's preaching in the following weeks, she gradually turned her attention away from the dress of the messenger and toward the message he delivered. She came to church more often as the Holy Spirit used Spurgeon's preaching to expose her shallowness and indifference to the things of God. She sought counsel from Charles and others, and after struggling for a few months, came to a full assurance of faith in Jesus Christ. Charles and Susannah's new friendship deepened to something more over the next year, and when he proposed marriage, she joyfully accepted.

[Excerpts from “Mrs. C.H. Spurgeon” by Charles Ray]

Legacy: Housekeeping was commenced on a very modest scale, for C. H. Spurgeon was keenly anxious to provide a training for young preachers who needed a course of education to fit them for the ministry, and his wife threw herself into the work with a zeal not less than his own. She was a splendid manageress, and by means of rigid economies quite a substantial amount was saved towards the support and education of the first student, the success of this effort leading to the foundation of the Pastors’

College. Often a Pastor’s wife will take on some great endeavor (ministry) and have it be what her

legacy will be.

Sacrifice: There were times when the devoted couple abstained from almost necessary things in order to have money to help on the work, and to the young wife it must have been truly a period of anxiety when ‘means were sorely straitened and the coffers of both College and household were well-nigh empty.’ But there were joys which more than compensated for any cares of this kind.

Missionaries and their wives are known for this…sacrificing for ‘the ministry’. Be careful, though; don’t hurt yourself too much so that you become somewhat ineffective in ‘the ministry’. If you are always worrying about the next bill that is due, or even where your next meal is coming from, it may take you away from the ministry of the word and prayer.

Together: What times of happiness were spent in the little home on Sunday evenings after the duties of the day were done. On his return from Chapel tired by his labors the preacher would enjoy a light repast and then throw himself into an easy chair by the fireside, while his wife sat on a low cushion at his feet reading to him from the pages of George Herbert or some other Christian poet. Or, if the young minister felt that he had not been as earnest in his preaching as he should have been, the poet would give place to Baxter’s Reformed Pastor, and as the solemn words were read, husband and wife would sob and weep together, he ‘from the smitings of a very tender conscience towards God,’ and, she because, she ‘loved him and wanted to share his grief.’

Spend time together; share in the ministry. Pastor, don’t separate yourself from you wife if you don’t have to; i.e., don’t do all your administrative work at the church’s building (office) when you could do it at home, where your family is. Pastor’s wife, make sure to go where he goes, whenever it is reasonable.

Loneliness: The constant absence from home of Charles Haddon Spurgeon in fulfillment of his reaching engagements, were sources of sore trial to the young wife. Often tired of waiting in the sitting-room late at night for his return, she would pace up and down the passage, praying that he might he brought back in safety to his home, and with what a thrill of joy and thankfulness did she open the door and welcome him, when his step was heard outside. Once and once only she broke down, when her clear one was about to leave in the early morning for a distant mission, and the tears could not be kept back. ‘Wifey,’ said her husband, ‘do you think that when any of the children of Israel brought a lamb to the Lord’s altar as an offering to Him they stood and wept over it when they had seen it laid there’’ and when she replied in the negative he added, tenderly, ‘Well, don’t you see, you are giving me to God in letting me go to preach the Gospel to poor sinners, and do you think He likes to see you cry over your sacrifice’’ ‘Could ever a rebuke have been more sweetly and graciously given’’