CCNSolutions: I Do, 5—Sure I Love You, I Told You Once!Page 1
CCN WEEKLY SOLUTIONS SERIES
THE WEEK OF NOVEMBER 3, 2008
I Do, 5:
Sure I Love You,
I Told You Once!
Featuring
Dr. Henry Cloud
Psychologist
Best-selling co-author of Boundaries series,
Author, The Secret Things of God
and The One-Life Solution
I. Why communicate in marriage?
One big reason: know
Oneness vs. compartmentalization
Compartmentalization leads to diabolical realities
How compartmentalization happens:
- No communication or limited communication
- More often, a secret existence
Why know each other? To establish, preserve, and repair the connection
II. Establish: Active reaching out
Why this doesn’t happen, generally: fear
The stuff down below the surface: sometimes gold, sometimes rock or toxic waste
Are we expressing the need and desire, or judging the other for not meeting the unexpressed need?
How many communications in the relationship establish a connection from part of you that isn’t connected?
III. Preserve: Active with safety and nurturance
Your brain is always asking: “Friend or foe?”
To encourage communication, listen
The other needs to get that you “get it”
Invite more
Watch out for toxins
- Minimizing
- Devaluation
- Shutdowns: “Okay, fine” and other conversation enders
IV. Repair
The first step: Ask more about what’s wrong
Next, don’t try to fix it: just validate it
Go to the other; don’t wait for the other to come
Affirm these things:
- The relationship
- The person
- The end goal
Be aware of your reactions and how you respond in problematic ways
When some couples talk about a problem, it gets worse
Couples must recognize when they are no longer talking but reacting
Let them have their feelings
Sit there and understand
Remember God’s tone: where grace and truth come together
A soft word brings about healing
“Open” and “join”
Small Group Discussion Questions
Sure I Love You, I Told You Once!
1. How are you individually compartmentalized in your relationship?
2. What is one problematic way in which you respond, and what can you do about it?
3. What can you do this week to better express your wants, needs, and desires in relationship?
4. What can you do this week to make it easier for the other person to share their wants, needs, and desires?
Next week on Solutions:
I Do, 6: “Sex: Too Much, Not Enough”
Resources
The One-Life Solution
by Dr. Henry Cloud
Solutions Videos
Solutions Video of the Week Newsletter
Sponsored In Part By:
New Life Ministries is a fully-equipped resource for the treatment of mental and spiritual health issues.
Contact Information
Visit CCN on the web at
CCNSolutions: I Do, 5—Sure I Love You, I Told You Once!Page 1
Dr. Henry Cloud
Cloud-Townsend Resources
18092 Sky Park South, Suite A
Irvine, CA 92614
Phone: 800-676-4673
Web:
Church Communication Network
PO Box 1718
Mountain View, CA 94042
Phone: 800-321-6781
Fax: 650-745-0660
Email:
Web:
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