The ONION
CancerResearchers: ‘Don’tGetCancer’
PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “notgood,” and sayingthatnothaving the illnessishighlypreferable to havingit, oncologistsrepresenting the American Association for CancerResearchurged the U.S. populaceMondaynot to getcancer.
The panel, whichconsisted of medicalexpertsat the top of theirrespectivefields in cancerresearch, education, surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy, addressed the media for 45 minutes, sayingthatpeople’s best hope in terms of living a long, cancer-free life is to neverdevelopcancerouscells in any part of the body, ever.
“Afteryears of closelystudyingthisillness and learningabouthowitgrows and arbitrarilyattacksvitalorgansthroughout the body at an uncontrollable rate untiloneeventuallydies, wehaveconcludedthatnothavingcanceris the best way to go,” said Dr. Robert Bertino, whospecializes in molecularbiologyatMemorialSloan-KetteringCancer Center. “Ifyou are going to contract a harmfulillness, getdiagnosed with Crohn’sdisease, meningitis, or evenType 2 diabetes. Anythingbutcancer. Canceris just the worst.”
“A lot of people die from it,” he added. “It’sbad.”
According to specialists, peopleshouldnotcontract colon cancer, breastcancer, pancreaticcancer, stage IV lungcancer, esophagealcancer, livercancer, non-Hodgkin’slymphoma, or anyone of the roughly 200 otherknownforms of cancer. In addition, researchersconfirmedthatifitcomes down to having terminal vs. non-terminal cancer, both are undesirable, but non-terminal isrecommended.
However, oncologistssaidthatevenlessthreateningforms of the illness, suchas non-melanoma skincancer, should be steeredclear of, with Bertino explainingthat, “Youhave the surgery, youthinkit’sgone, itcomes back for some reason, Godknowswhy, and thenitspreads to yourlymphnodes, and that’sthat.”
AACR officialswent on to recommendthatindividualsshouldavoidhaving a family history of cancer, and thatifpeople must growtumors, theyshouldmakesure to onlydevelopbenignones.
“When a patientcomes in to visit me becausetheyhavemalignanttissue in theirbreast or under theirarm, the first thing I sayis, ‘Itwould be muchbetterifthishadn’thappened,’” said Dr. Sydney Drysdale, head of oncologyat Johns Hopkins Medical Center. “I tellthem I havestudiedthisillness for decades, I’m the foremostexpertwhenitcomes to the spread of cancer, and then I look them in the eye and saycancerisliterally the last thingI’dwant in my body. I tellthemit’snot a deathsentence, butthatitcertainlycould be. It’scancer. Youshouldn’tgetit.”
“Sometimespatientswillaskaboutclinical trials and I’llsayclinical trials wouldn’teven be an issueifyouhadn’tgottencancer in the first place,” Drysdalecontinued. “My best advice: Don’thaveabnormalcellsthatuncontrollably divide and invade othertissues.”
Top cancerresearchersthroughout the country urgedindividuals to think of the benefits of nothavingcancer, suchasbeingalive for a muchlongerperiod of time, feeling healthy, notputtingyour family throughwhatwilleasily be the mostdifficultperiod of theirentirelives, never feeling likeyou’reat the mercy of nearimpossible and hopeless science, and beingable to die of naturalcauses and notcancer.
Moreover, while 10 out of 10 oncologistsrecommendedneverhavingcancer, 100 percent of peoplewho do notcurrentlyhavecancerreportedlysaidthey are muchhappierbecause of it.
“If I could do itall over again, I wouldnothavegottencancer,” said 46-year-old Kevin Glanville, whoiscurrentlybattlingchronicmyeloidleukemia. “Gettingchemotherapytwotimes per week and constantly feeling weak and nauseouswhenthereis a good chance the treatment won’teven work ismuchlessattractive to me than, say, notdealing with thosecircumstances.”
“My doctorcontacted some colleagues of hiswho work in the cancerresearch lab at the Mayo Clinic,” he continued, “and theysaidthat, for the foreseeable future, ifthereisany way I cannothavecanceranymore I should do that.”