April 27, 2007
Calculating love on The Google
Viewpoint
By JAMES GROB Courier sports editor
As our President might say, sometimes when I’m on the Internets, I like to use The Google.
I was doing just that the other day when I stumbled across an interesting Web site. Don’t ask me how I wound up there, because to tell you the truth, I’m not sure myself.
It’s called The Love Calculator ( and it claims to be able to calculate the probability of a successful relationship between two people — using only their names.
All you have to do is enter your first and last name and the first and last name of a romantic interest, and The Love Calculator quickly lets you know how good the chances are of the two of you living happily ever after. As an added bonus, it does all this for free.
So I thought I should give it a try.
I entered my name and then, since I am a devoted family man, I entered my wife’s name. It didn’t even take a second for the results to pop up.
We were a solid 68 percent. The Love Calculator said that this meant there was a good chance for a successful relationship between us, and it also gave me a few helpful hints to help ensure success — we should be patient with one another, we should work to communicate during the difficult times, stuff like that.
So I was pretty happy about that, but then I got to thinking.
Back when I was in school, 68 percent amounted to about a D+. I do not find this to be an acceptable grade. After all, I’m a relatively nice guy with a full-time job and no criminal record. Certainly I can do better than 68 percent.
So next to my name, I typed in the name of celebrity actress Ashley Judd.
Bingo! 74 percent!
That’s right, according to The Love Calculator, I have a better chance of having a successful relationship with actress Ashley Judd than I do with a person to whom I’ve already been married for several years.
I was very pleased. Of course, I have every expectation of my marriage continuing to work out, but if it doesn’t, I now had a legitimate backup plan with Ashley Judd.
My wife wasn’t as pleased. She didn’t say anything when I told her, but I could tell she wasn’t all that thrilled with my backup plan.
A few years back, I read an article (probably on those same Internets) that mentioned that more than half of all human communication comes not from verbal cues but from body language. Since then, I’ve become an astute observer of what the body language of those around me is indicating.
For instance, when my wife rolls her eyes, I know she’s not too happy about something.
Also, when she throws things at my head, that’s a clue that she might be upset with me. Additionally, when she punches me in the stomach or groin area, I’ve come to understand that she might have some negative feelings toward me at the moment.
So it was clear to me that she wasn’t all that happy with the Ashley Judd backup plan. She didn’t say anything negative out loud, but her body language clearly said: “If you can get Ashley Judd to listen to your snoring, laugh at your stupid jokes and wash your underwear, then I wish the two of you a happy eternity together in Hades.”
So I had to re-think my Ashley Judd backup plan, and I actually began to call the legitimacy of The Love Calculator into question. After all, I’ve never met Ashley Judd, and there is little chance that I ever will. Also, as my mother might say, “She’s WAY out of your league, son.”
Of course, Mom always said that about every girl I met. Bless her heart. Mom was always looking out for me.
So I began to experiment with The Love Calculator, using a variety of names. Guess who got the highest score?
That’s right. Movie star George Clooney.
According to The Love Calculator, he and I hit it off at an amazing 92 percent.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like Clooney’s movies, and he seems like a decent fellow. But when it comes down the two of us having a successful love relationship, well, I’m just not wired that way, and as far as I can tell, neither is he. Plus, I think he’s probably way out of my league, too.
So I had to give up on The Love Calculator. It’s a shame, really. Someone has a pretty nice idea there, it just doesn’t work exactly the way it should. Maybe it just needs a little tweaking or something.
In the meantime, I think it’s a good idea for me to stay away from The Google for awhile.
I’ll work on my non-verbal communication skills instead.