Resolving Marital Conflict
Before conflict (living life as a Christian…Eph 4:1)
· Husbands ______your wives (Eph 5:25-33; 1 Pet 3:7)
· Wives ______your husbands (Eph 5:22-24,33; 1 Pet 3:1-6)
· Be ______(1 Pet 5:5)
· ______well (Prov 18:13,15,17)
· ______appropriately (Eph 4:15,29)
· Look to the ______of others (Phil 2:3-4)
· Don’t be easily ______(Prov 12:16; 19:11)
· Make charitable judgments (Matt 7:12)
· Be ______(Phil 4:11-13)
· (Living in this manner will address many issues BEFORE they become conflict)
The moment of conflict
· Definition (from The Peacemaker[1]): A difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires
· Some possible sources of conflict…
o Misunderstandings (Josh 22)
o Difference in goals (Acts 15:36-41)
o Limited resources (Gen 13:1-12)
o Selfish desires (Jas 4:1-3) [I desire…I demand…I judge…I punish]
· How do you typically respond[2]?
o Are you a “peace-faker”?
§ More interested in ______conflict than resolving it
§ Denial / flight / suicide
o Are you a “peace-breaker”?
§ More interested in ______the argument than maintaining the relationship
§ Assault / litigation / murder
o Are you a “Peacemaker”?
After conflict occurs
· Remember who you are, who God is…and the ______. The biggest problem that you ever have had (or ever will have) has already been taken care of…at the cross. You are a sinner saved by the grace of God alone, through no merit of your own (Eph 2:8-9). You were an enemy of God, and Christ died to save you from sin (Rom 5:6-11). He took the punishment that was rightly yours, and you became reconciled to a holy God (2 Cor 5:14-21). He is the Sovereign King of Kings, working all things together for your good and His glory (Rom 8:28-29).
· Fix your gaze on ______. Knowing how He has already treated you and how He loves you, consider how you can glorify Him in the midst of hard circumstances (1 Cor 10:31). View the conflict as an opportunity to serve the other person and to grow to be more Christ-like (Rom 8:28-29). Seek to please Him in the midst of trying times (2 Cor 5:9).
· Take responsibility for your ______and ______. You should prayerfully consider your own part in the conflict first, before placing any blame on the other person (Matt 7:5). You may think that you only have a small part of what’s going on. You may even be right (although not likely). OWN that small part! In the reflex moment of conflict, I RARELY see my own part. I think that I’m 100% in the right. As I take my thoughts captive (2 Cor 10:5) and consider my own part, I usually begin to see my own sinful actions and attitude. If you’re having trouble seeing it, consider the list that we opened up with.
· Confess and ______. If you have sinned, you are called to confess (agree with God), not merely apologize (making a defense for oneself) (1 Jn 1:9; Ps 51:4; Jas 5:16). Many Christians, though, do not have a good idea HOW to confess! Think through the 7 A’s of confession[3] as a framework to help you, not as a checklist to accomplish and be done with:
o Address everyone involved
o Avoid if, but, maybe
o Admit specifically
o Acknowledge the hurt
o Accept consequences
o Alter your behavior
o Ask forgiveness
· Forgive. If you have been sinned against, consider whether or not the offense is something that you can overlook from the outset (Prov 19:11; Rom 2:4). When the other person repents and asks you for forgiveness, forgive them (Luke 17:3-4). When you forgive, realize that what you are doing is not merely a feeling, it is not letting someone “get away” with something, but rather a promise to forgive as Christ has forgiven you (Eph 4:32; Isa 43:25; Heb 8:12)[4]:
o “I will not dwell on this incident”
o “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you”
o “I will not talk to others about this incident” (gossip)
o “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship”
· Restore. Once you have repented and confessed of your sin, and have been forgiven, you may find an appropriate time to help the other person see their part in the conflict, if they haven’t done so yet, and restore them (Gal 6:1).
· Live in reconciliation. Whether you are the offended or offending party, you are called to reach out to them and work towards a reconciled relationship (Matt 5:23-24), just as God has reconciled you to Himself through Christ (2 Cor 5:18-19). The barrier that is between you is torn down when you confess, repent, and forgive. But the rubble that remains may take awhile to clean up. You clean it up by living in the manner that God calls you to live (Eph 4:1; back to the beginning of this handout).
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[1] The Peacemaker, Ken Sande, pg. 29
[2] The Peacemaker, Ken Sande, pp. 22-27
[3] The Peacemaker, Ken Sande, pp. 126-134
[4] The Peacemaker, Ken Sande, pg. 209