Cats
By T. S. Eliot (words), Andrew Lloyd Webber (music)
This text follows the 1998 movie version of Cats. Other versions may be slightly different.OVERTURE (DVD1)
PROLOGUE (DVD2)
All:Are you blind when you’re born?[1] Can you see in the dark?
Can you look at a king?[2] Would you sit on his throne?[3]
Can you say of your bite that it’s worse than your bark?[4]
Are you cock of the walk[5] when you’re walking alone?
Because Jellicles are
And Jellicles do!
Jellicles do and Jellicles would!
Jellicles would and Jellicles can!
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
When you fall on your head, do you land on your feet?
Are you tense when you sense there’s a storm in the air?[6]
Can you find your way blind[7] when you’re lost in the street?
Do you know how to go to the Heaviside Layer?
Because Jellicles can
And Jellicles do!
Jellicles do and Jellicles can!
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
Jellicles do and Jellicles can!
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
Can you ride on a broomstick[8] to places far distant?
Familiar with candle? With book and with bell?[9]
Were you Whittington’s friend?[10] The Pied Piper’s assistant?[11]
Have you been an alumnus[12] of heaven and hell?
Are you mean like a minx?[13] Are you lean like a lynx?
Are you keen to be seen when you’re smelling a rat?[14]
Were you there when the pharaohs commissioned the sphinx?[15]
If you were, and you are, you’re a Jellicle Cat.
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
We can dive through the air like a flying trapeze,[16]
We can turn double somersaults, bounce on a tire;
We can run up the wall, we can swing through the trees,
We can balance on bars, we can walk on a wire.
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Can you sing at the same time in more than one key?
Duets by Rossini[17] and waltzes by Strauss?[18]
And can you (as Cats do) begin with a “C”[19]
That always triumphantly brings down the house?[20]
Jellicle cats are queens of the nights,
Singing at astronomical heights;[21]
Handling pieces from The Messiah
Hallelujah, angelical choir!
Jellicle cats are queens of the nights,
Singing at astronomical heights;
Handling pieces from The Messiah
Hallelujah, angelical choir!
The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity[22]
Round the cathedral rang “Vivat!”[23]
Life to the everlasting CAT!
Feline, fearless, faithful and true
To others who do—what …
Jellicles do and Jellicles can!
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!
Jellicle Cats sing Jellicle chants!
Jellicles old and Jellicles new!
Jellicle song and Jellicle dance!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Practical cats, dramatical cats,[24]
Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats,
Oratorical cats, delphioracle cats,[25]
Skeptical cats, dispeptical cats,[26]
Romantical cats,[27] pedantical cats,
Critical cats, parasitical cats,
Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats,[28]
Statistical cats and mystical cats,
Political cats, hypocritical cats,
Clerical cats, hysterical cats,
Cynical cats, rabbinical cats—[29]
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats!
Asparagus:There’s a man over there with a look of surprise,
As much as to say, “Well now, how about that!”[30]
Munkustrap:Do I actually see with my own very eyes
A man who’s not heard of a Jellicle Cat?
What’s a Jellicle Cat?
All:What’s a Jellicle Cat? What’s a Jellicle Cat?
THE NAMING OF CATS[31] (DVD 3)
All:The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn’t just one of your holiday games;[32]
You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter[33]
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there’s the name that the family use daily,[34]
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey—
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier[35] names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:[36]
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter—
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that’s particular,[37]
A name that’s peculiar, and more dignified,
Else[38] how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers,[39] or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,[40]
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum—
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there’s still one name left over,[41]
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover—
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.[42]
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable[43]
Effanineffable[44]
Deep and inscrutable singular Name,
Name … Name … Name … Name … Name … Name …
THE INVITATION TO THE JELLICLE BALL
Mr. Mistoffelees:Jellicle Cats come out tonight,
Jellicle Cats come one come all:[45]
The Jellicle Moon is shining bright—
Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.
Jellicle Cats come out tonight,
Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.
Munkustrap:Jellicle Cats meet once a year,
At the Jellicle Ball where we all rejoice;
And the Jellicle Leader will soon appear,
And make what is known as the Jellicle Choice.
When Old Deuteronomy, just before dawn,
Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife,[46]
Announces the cat who can now be reborn
And come back to a different Jellicle Life.
For waiting up there is the Heaviside Layer
Full of wonders one Jellicle only will see.
And Jellicles ask, because Jellices dare:
Who will it be?
All:Who will it be?
THE OLD GUMBIE CAT (DVD4)
Munkustrap:I have a Gumbie[47] Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;
Her coat is of the tabby kind, with tiger stripes and leopard spots.[48]
All day she sits beneath the stair or on the steps or on the mat:
She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!
That’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!
Female Chorus:But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done,[49]
JennyanydotsThen the Gumbie Cat’s work is but hardly begun.[50]
And when all the family’s in bed and asleep,
She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep.[51]
She is deeply concerned with the ways[52] of the mice—
Their behaviour’s not good and their manners not nice;
So when she has got them lined up on the matting,
She teaches them music, crocheting[53] and tatting.[54]
Munkustrap:I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;
The curtain-cord[55] she likes to wind, and tie it into sailor-knots[56]
She sits upon the window-sill, or anything that’s smooth and flat:
She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!
That’s what makes a Gumbie Cat!
Female Chorus:But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done,
JennyanydotsThen the Gumbie Cat’s work is but hardly begun.
She thinks that the cockroaches just need employment
To prevent them from idle and wanton destroyment.[57]
So she’s formed, from that lot of disorderly louts,
A troop of well-disciplined, helpful boy-scouts,[58]
With a purpose in life and a good deed to do—
And she’s even created a Beetles’ Tattoo.[59]
Squad salute!
All:For she’s a jolly good fellow![60]
Jennyanydots:Thank you my dears!
THE RUM TUM TUGGER (DVD 5)
All:The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat.
Rum Tum Tugger:If you offer me pheasant I’d rather have grouse.
If you put me in a house I would much prefer a flat,[61]
If you put me in a flat then I’d rather have a house.
If you set me on[62] a mouse then I only want a rat,
If you set me on a rat then I’d rather chase a mouse.
All:The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—
Rum Tum Tugger:And there isn’t any call[63] for me to shout it:
All:For he will do
As he do do[64]
Rum Tum Tugger:And there’s no doing anything about it![65]
Mr. Mistoffolees:The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:
Rum Tum Tugger:When you let me in,[66] then I want to go out;
I’m always on the wrong side of every door,[67]
And as soon as I get home, then I’d like to get about.[68]
I like to lie in a bureau drawer,
But I make such a fuss if I can’t get out.
All:The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—
Rum Tum Tugger:And there isn’t any use for you to doubt it:[69]
All:For he will do
As he do do
Rum Tum Tugger:And there’s no doing anything about it!
Bombalurina:The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast:
Rum Tum Tugger:My disobliging ways are a matter of habit.[70]
If you offer me fish[71] then I always want a feast
When there isn’t any fish then I won’t eat rabbit[72]
If you offer me cream then I sniff and sneer
For I only like what I find for myself—no!
So you’ll catch me in it[73] right up to my ears,
If you put it away on the larder shelf.
All:The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing,[74]
The Rum Tum Tugger—
Rum Tum Tugger:—doesn’t care for a cuddle;[75]
So I’ll leap in your lap in the middle of your sewing,
For there’s nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle.[76]
All:The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—
The Rum Tum Tugger doesn’t care for a cuddle.
The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—
Rum Tum Tugger:And there isn’t any need for me to spout it:[77]
All:For he will do
As he do do
Rum Tum Tugger:And there’s no doing anything about it!
GRIZABELLA: THE GLAMOUR CAT[78] (DVD6)
Grizabella:Remark the Cat who hesitates towards you,[79]
In the light of the door which opens on her like a grin.[80]
You see the border of her coat is torn and stained with sand;
And you see the corner of her eye twist like a crooked pin.
Demeter:She haunted many a low resort[81]
Near the grimy road of Tottenham Court.[82]
She flitted about the no man’s land[83]
From “The Rising Sun” to “The Friend at Hand.”[84]
And the postman sighed as he scratched his head:
“You’d really had thought[85] she’d ought to be dead.”
And who would ever suppose that that
Was Grizabella the Glamour Cat?[86]
Bombalurina:Grizabella the Glamour Cat.
Demeter and Bombalurina:Grizabella the Glamour Cat.
All:Who would ever suppose that that
Was Grizabella the Glamour Cat?
BUSTOPHER JONES: THE CAT ABOUT TOWN (DVD7)
Jennyanydots:Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones—[87]
BombalurinaIn fact, he’s remarkably fat.
JellylorumHe doesn’t haunt pubs—he has eight or nine clubs,[88]
For he’s the St. James’s Street[89] Cat!
He’s the Cat we all greet as he walks down the street
In his coat of fastidious black:
No commonplace mousers[90] have such well-cut trousers
Or such an impeccable back.
In the whole of St. James’s the smartest of names is
The name of this Brummell of Cats;[91]
And we’re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to
By Bustopher Jones in white spats![92]
Male Chorus:In the whole of St. James’s the smartest of names is
The name of this Brummell of Cats;
And we’re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to
By Bustopher Jones in white spats!
Bustopher Jones:My visits are occasional to the Senior Educational[93]
And it is against the rules
For any one Cat to belong both to that
And the JointSuperiorSchools.
For a similar reason, when game is in season[94]
I am found, not at Fox’s, but Blimp’s;
I am frequently seen at the gay Stage and Screen
Which is famous for winkles and shrimps.
In the season of venison I give my ben’son[95]
To the Pothunter’s succulent bones;
And just before noon’s not a moment too soon
To drop in for a drink at the Drones.
When I’m seen in a hurry there’s probably curry
At the Siamese—or at the Glutton;
If I look full of gloom then I’ve lunched at the Tomb
On cabbage, rice pudding and mutton.
All:In the whole of St. James’s the smartest of names is
The name of this Brummell of Cats;
And we’re all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to
By Bustopher Jones in white,
Bustopher Jones in white,
Bustopher Jones in white spats!
Jennyanydots:So, much in this way,[96] passes Bustopher’s day—
Bustopher JonesAt one club or another he’s found.
It can be no surprise that under our eyes
He has grown unmistakably round.
He’s a twenty-five pounder,[97] or I am a bounder,[98]
And he’s putting on weight everyday:
But I’m so well preserved[99] because I’ve observed[100]
All my life a routine, and I’d say
I am still in me prime,[101] I shall last out my time[102]
That’s the word from the stoutest of Cats.
All:It must and it shall be Spring in Pall Mall
While Bustopher Jones wears white
Bustopher Jones wears white
Bustopher Jones wears white spats!
Bustopher Jones:Toodlepip![103]
There is a sudden disturbance.
Demeter:Macavity!
MUNGOJERRIE AND RUMPELTEAZER (DVD8)
Mungojerrie:Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer: we’re a notorious couple of cats.
RumpelteazerAs knockabout[104] clowns, quick-change comedians,[105] tight-rope walkers and acrobats
We have an extensive reputation. We make our home in Victoria
Grove—[106]
This is merely our centre of operation, for we are incurably given to
rove.[107]
When the family assembles for Sunday dinner,
With their minds made up that they won’t get thinner
On Argentine joint,[108] potatoes and greens,
And the cook will appear from behind the scenes
And say in a voice that is broken[109] with sorrow:
“I’m afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow!
For the joint has gone from the oven—like that!”
Then the family will say: “It’s that horrible cat!
Was it Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer!”—And most of the time they
leave it at that.[110]
Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have a wonderful way of working
together.
And some of the time you would say it was luck, and some of the time
you would say it was weather.[111]
We go through the house like a hurricane, and no sober person could
take his oath[112]
Was it Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer? or could you have sworn that it
might have been both?[113]
And when you hear a dining-room smash[114]
Or up from the pantry there comes a loud crash
Or down from the library there comes a loud ping
From a vase that was commonly said to be Ming—[115]
Then the family will say: “Now which was which cat?
It was Mungojerrie!AND Rumpelteazer!”—And there’s nothing at all to
be done about that!
OLD DEUTERONOMY (DVD9)
Mr. Mistoffelees:Old Deuteronomy?
Coricopat and Tantomile: I believe it is old Deuteronomy.
All:Well, of all …
Things[116] … Can it be … really! …Yes! … No!
Ho! Hi![117] Oh, my eye![118]
My mind may be wandering,[119] but I confess
I believe it is Old Deuteronomy!
Munkustrap:Old Deuteronomy’s lived a long time;
He’s a Cat who has lived many lives in succession.
He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme[120]
A long while before Queen Victoria’s accession.[121]
Rum Tum Tugger:Old Deuteronomy’s buried nine wives
And more—I am tempted to say, ninety-nine;
And his numerous progeny[122] prospers and thrives
And the village[123] is proud of him in his decline.[124]
Munkustrap:At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy,[125]
When he sits in the sun on the vicarage wall,
The Oldest Inhabitant croaks:
Munkustrap:Well, of all …
Rum Tum TuggerThings … Can it be … really! …Yes! … No!
Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!
My mind may be wandering, but I confess
I believe it is Old Deuteronomy!
All:Well, of all …
Things … Can it be … really! …Yes! … No!
Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!
My mind may be wandering, but I confess
I believe it is Old Deuteronomy! (etc.)
Old Deuteronomy:My legs may be tottery,[126] I must go slow
And be careful of Old Deuteronomy!
Munkustrap:Jellicle Cats meet once a year
On the night we make the Jellicle choice
And now that the Jellicle leader is here
Jellicle Cats can all rejoice.
OF THE AWEFULL BATTLE OF THE PEKES AND THE POLLICLES (DVD10)