Andrew:What Would I Do for a Million Bucks?Well, I Guess I'd Do As Little As Ihad To

Andrew:What would I do for a million bucks?Well, I guess I'd do as little as Ihad to.

Claire:That's boring.

Andrew:Well, how'm I s'posed to answer?

Claire:The idea is to like search your mindfor the absolute limit.Like, uh,would you drive to school naked?

Andrew:Um, uh, would I have to get out ofthe car?

Claire:Of course.

Andrew:In the spring, or winter?

Claire:It doesn't matter, spring.

Andrew:In front of the school or in backof the school?

Claire:Either one.

Andrew:Yes.

Alison:I'd do that!I'll do anything sexual, I don'tneed a million dollars to do iteither.

Claire:You're lying.

Alison:I already have. I've done justabout everything there is except afew things that are illegal. I'm a

nymphomaniac!

Claire:Lie.

Brian:Are your parents aware of this?

Alison:The only person I told was myshrink.

Andrew:And what'd he do when you told him?

Alison:He nailed me.

Claire:Very nice.

Alison:I don't think that from a legalstandpoint what he did can beconstrued as rape since I paid him.

Claire:He's an adult!

Alison:Yeah, he's married too!

Claire:Do you have any idea how completelygross that is?

Alison:Well, the first few times.

Claire:First few times?You mean he did itmore than once?

Alison:Sure.

Claire:Are you crazy?

Brian:Obviously she's crazy if she'sscrewing her shrink.

Alison:Have you ever done it?

Claire:I don't even have a psychiatrist.

Alison:Have you ever done it with a normalperson?

Claire:Now, didn't we already cover this?

Bender:You never answered the question.

Claire:Look, I'm not gonna discuss myprivate life with total strangers.

Alison:It's kind of a double-edged sword,isn't it?

Claire:A what?

Alison:Well, if you say you haven't.you're a prude.If you say youhave, you're a slut!It's a trap.You want to but you can't but whenyou do you wish you didn't, right?

Claire:Wrong.

Alison:Or, are you a tease?

Andrew:She's a tease.

Claire:Oh, why don't you just forget it.

Andrew:You're a tease and you know it, allgirls are teases!

Bender:She's only a tease if what she doesgets you hot.

Claire:I don't do anything!

Alison:That's why you're a tease.

Claire:Okay, lemme ask you a few questions.

Alison:I've already told you everything!

Claire:No!Doesn't it bother you to sleeparound without being in love.Imean don't you want any respect?

Alison:I don't screw to get respect. That'sthe difference between you and me.

Claire:Not the only difference, I hope.

Bender:Face it, you're a tease.

Claire:I'm not a tease!

Bender:Sure you are!You said it yourselfsex is a weapon, you use it to getrespect!

Claire:No, I never said that, she twistedmy words around.

Bender:Oh, then what do you use it for?

Claire:I don't use it period!

Bender:Oh, are you medically frigid or isit psychological?

Claire:I didn't mean it that way!You guysare putting words into my mouth!

Bender:Well if you'd just answer thequestion.

Brian: Why don't you just answer thequestion?

Andrew:Be honest.

Bender:No big deal.

Brian: Yeah, answer it!

Andrew:Answer the question, Claire!

Bender:Talk to us!

Andrew and Brian:Come on, answer the question!

Bender:It's easy, it's only one question!

Claire:No!I never did it!

Alison:I never did it either, I'm not anymphomaniac. I'm a compulsiveliar.

Claire:You are such a bitch!You did thaton purpose just to fuck me over!

Alison:I would do it though. If you love, someone it's okay.

Claire:I can't believe you, you're soweird.You don't say anything allday and then when you open your

mouth. You unload all thesetremendous lies all over me!

Andrew:You're just pissed off because shegot you to admit something you didn'twant to admit to.

Claire:Okay, fine, but that doesn't make itany less bizarre.

Andrew:What's bizarre?I mean we're allpretty bizarre!Some of us are justbetter at hiding it, that's all.

Claire:How are you bizarre?

Alison:He can't think for himself.

Andrew:She's right.do you guys know what,uh, what I did to get in here?Itaped Larry Lester's buns together.

Brian: That was you?

Andrew:Yeah, you know him?

Brian: Yeah, I know him.

Andrew:Well then you know how hairy he is,right?Well, when they pulled thetape off, most of his hair came offand some, some skin too.

Claire:Oh my God.

Andrew:And the bizarre thing is, is thatI did it for my old man. Itortured this poor kid, because Iwanted him to think that I was cool.He's always going off about, youknow, when he was in school, allthe wild things he used to do.AndI got the feeling that he wasdisappointed that I never cut looseon anyone, right. So, I'm, I'msitting in the locker room, and I'mtaping up my knee.And Larry'sundressing a couple lockers downfrom me.Yeah, he's kinda, he's kinda skinny, weak.And Istarted thinking about my father,and his attitude about weakness.And the next thing I knew, I uh, Ijumped on top of him and startedwailing on him. And my friends,they just laughed and cheered me on.And afterwards, when I was sittin'in Vernon's office, all I couldthink about was Larry's father. AndLarry havin' to go home and, andexplain what happened to him.Andthe humiliation, fuckinghumiliation he mustuv felt.Itmustuv been unreal.I mean,I mean, how do you apologize forsomething like that?There's noway. It's all because of me andmy old man.Oh God, I fucking hatehim!He's like this. He's likethis mindless machine that I can'teven relate to anymore. "Andrew,you've got to be number one!Iwon't tolerate any losers in thisfamily. Your intensity is for shit!Win.Win!WIN!!!"You son of abitch!You know, sometimes, I wishmy knee would give.and I wouldn'tbe able to wrestle anymore.And he

could forget all about me.

Bender:I think your old man and my old manshould get together and go bowling.

Brian: It's like me, you know, with mygrades, like, when I, when Istep outside myself kinda, andwhen I, when I look in at myselfyou know?And I see me and I don'tlike what I see, I really don't.

Claire:What's wrong with you?Why don'tyou like yourself?

Brian:'Cause I'm stupid.'cause I'm failingshop.See we had this assignment,to make this ceramic elephant, andum.and we had eight weeks to doit and we're s'posed ta, and it waslike a lamp, and when you pull thetrunk the light was s'posed to goon. My light didn't go on, I got aF on it.Never got a F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for thecourse I mean.I thought I wasplaying it real smart, you know.'Cause I thought, I'll take shop,it'll be such an easy way tomaintain my grade point average.

Bender:Why'd you think it'd be easy?

Brian: Have you seen some of the dopes thattake shop?

Bender:I take shop.you must be a fuckin'idiot!

Brian: I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can'tmake a lamp?

Bender:No, you're a genius because youcan't make a lamp.

Brian: What do you know about trigonometry?

Bender:I could care less about trigonometry.

Brian: Bender, did you know withouttrigonometry there'd be noengineering?

Bender:Without lamps, there'd be no light!

Claire:Okay so neither one of you is anybetter than the other one.

Alison:I can write with my toes!I canalso eat, brush my teeth.

Claire:With your feet?

Alison:play Heart & Soul on the piano.

Brian: I can make spaghetti!

Claire:What can you do?

Andrew:I can, uh, tape all your bunstogether.

Bender:I wanna see what Claire can do!

Claire:I can't do anything.

Bender:Now, everybody can do something.

Claire:There's one thing I can do, noforget it, it's way too embarrassing.

Bender:You ever seen Wild Kingdom?I meanthat guy's been doing that show for 30 years.

Claire:Okay, but you have to swear to Godyou won't laugh.I can't believeI'm actually doing this.

Andrew:All right, great!Where'd you learnto do that?

Claire:Camp, seventh grade.

Bender:That was great, Claire.my image ofyou is totally blown.

Alison:You're a shit!Don't do that to heryou swore to God you wouldn't laugh!

Bender:Am I laughing?

Andrew:You fucking prick!

Bender:What do you care what I think,anyway?I don't even count, right?I could disappear forever and itwouldn't make any difference. I mayas well not even exist at thisschool, remember?And youdon't like me anyway!

Claire:You know, I have just as manyfeelings as you do and it hurtsjust as much when somebody stepsall over them!

Bender:God, you're so pathetic!Don't you everever!Compareyourself to me!Okay?You goteverything, and I got shit!Fuckin'Rapunzel, right?School wouldprobably fucking shut down if youdidn't show up!"Queenie isn'there!"I like those earrings Claire.

Claire:Shut up.

Bender:Are those real diamonds, Claire?

Claire:Shut up!

Bender:Claire,I bet they are. Did youwork, for the moneyfor those earrings?Or did your daddy buy those?

Claire:Shut up!

Bender:I bet he bought those for you!Ibet those are a Christmas gift!Right?You know what I got for

Christmas this year?It was abanner fuckin' year at the oldBender family!I got a carton ofcigarettes.The old man grabbed meand said "Hey!Smoke up Johnny!"Okay, so go home'n cry to yourdaddy, don't cry here, okay?

Andrew:My God, are we gonna be like ourparents?

Claire:Not meever.

Alison:It's unavoidable, it just happens.

Claire:What happens?

Alison:When you grow up, your heart dies.

Bender:Who cares?

Alison:I care.

Brian: Um, I was just thinking, I mean.Iknow it's kind of a weird time, butI was just wondering, um, what isgonna happen to us on Monday?Whenwe're all together again?I mean Iconsider you guys my friends, I'mnot wrong, am I?

Andrew:No.

Brian: So, so on Monday.what happens?

Claire:Are we still friends, you mean?If we're friends now, that is?

Brian: Yeah.

Claire:Do you want the truth?

Brian: Yeah, I want the truth.

Claire:I don't think so.

Alison:Well, do you mean all of us or justJohn?

Claire:With all of you.

Andrew:That's a real nice attitude, Claire!

Claire:Oh, be honest, Andy. If Briancamewalking up to you in the hall onMonday, what would you do?I meanpicture this, you're there with allthe sports.I know exactly whatyou'd do, you'd say hi to him andwhen he left you'd cut him all upso your friends wouldn't think youreally liked him!

Andrew:No way!

Alison:'Kay, what if I came up to you?

Claire:Same exact thing!

Bender:You are a bitch!

Claire:Why?'Cause I'm telling the truth,that makes me a bitch?

Bender:No!'Cause you know how shitty thatis to do to someone!And you don'tgot the balls to stand up to yourfriends and tell 'em that you'regonna like who you wanna like!

Claire:Okay, what about you, you hypocrite!Why don't you take Allison to one ofyour heavy metal vomit parties?Ortake Brianout to the parking lot atlunch to get high?What about Andyfor that matter, what about me?What would your friends say if wewere walking down the hall together.They'd laugh their asses off andyou'd probably tell them you weredoing it with me so they'd forgiveyou for being seen with me.

Bender:Don't you ever talk about myfriends!You don't know any of myfriends, you don't look at any of my

friends and you certainly wouldn'tcondescend to speak to any of myfriends so you just stick to thethings you know, shopping, nailpolish, your father's BMW and yourpoor--rich--drunk mother in theCaribbean!

Claire:Shut up!

Bender:And as far as being concerned aboutwhat's gonna happen when you and Iwalk down the hallways at school,you can forget it!'Cause it's nevergonna happen!Just bury your headin the sandand wait for yourfuckin' prom!

Claire:I hate you!

Bender:Yeah?Good!

Brian: Then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh?Us weirdos.Do you, would you do that to me?

Alison:I don't have any friends.

Brian: Well if you did?

Alison:No, I don't think the kind offriends I'd have would mind.

Brian: I just wanna tell, each of you,that I wouldn't do that.I wouldn'tand I will not!'Cause I think that'sreal shitty.

Claire:Your friends wouldn't mind becausethey look up to us.

Brian: You're so conceited, Claire.You'reso conceited.You're so, like, fullof yourself, why are you like that?

Claire:I'm not saying that to be conceited!I hate it!I hate having to goalong with everything my friends say!

Brian: Well then why do you do it?

Claire:I don't know, I don'tyou don'tunderstand? You don't.You're notfriends with the same kind of peoplethat Andy and I are friends with!You know, you just don't understandthe pressure that they can put onyou!

Brian: I don't understand what?You thinkI don't understand pressure, Claire?Well fuck you!Fuck you!

Know why I'm here today?Do you?I'm here because Mr. Ryan found agun in the locker.

Andrew:Why'd you have a gun in your locker?

Brian: I tried.You pull the fuckin' trunkon it and the light's s'posed to goon, and it didn't go on, I mean,I.

Andrew:What's the gun for Brian?

Brian: Just forget it.

Andrew:You brought it up, man!

Brian: I can't have an F, I can't have itand I know my parents can't have it!Even if I aced the rest of thesemester, I'm still only a B.Andeverything's ruined for me!

Claire:Oh Brian.

Brian: So I considered my options, youknow?

Claire:No!Killing yourself is not anoption!

Brian: Well I didn't do it, did I?No, Idon't think so!

Alison:It was a hand gun?

Brian: No, it was a flare gun, went offin my locker.

Andrew:Really?

Brian: It's not funny.Yes it is. Fuckin' elephant wasdestroyed!

Alison:You wanna know what I did to get inhere?Nothing.I didn't haveanything better to do.You're laughing at me.

Andrew:No!

Alison:Yeah you are!

Claire:Brian?

Brian: Yeah?

Claire:Are you gonna write your paper?

Brian: Yeah, why?

Claire:Well, it's kinda a waste for all ofus to write our paper, don't youthink?

Brian: Oh, but that's what Vernon wants usto do.

Claire:True, but I think we'd all kindasay the same thing.

Brian: You just don't want to write yourpaper. Right?

Claire:True, but, you're the smartest,right?

Brian: Oh, well.

Claire:We trust you.

Andrew:Yeah.

Brian: All right, I'll do it.

Claire:Great.Come on.

Alison:Where're we going?

Claire:Come on!Don't be afraid.

Alison:Don't stick that in my eye!

Claire:I'm not sticking it, just close. just go like that.Good.You know you really do look a lotbetter without all that black shiton your eyes.

Alison:Hey, I like that black shit.

Claire:This looks a lot better. Look up.

Alison:Please, why're you being so nice tome?

Claire:'Cause you're letting me.

Bender:You lost?

Brian: Cool!

Alison:Thank you!

Bender:Why'd you do that?

Claire:'Cause I knew you wouldn't.

Bender:You know how you said before, howyour parents used you to get backat each other .Wouldn't I be

outstanding in that capacity?

Claire:Were you really disgusted aboutwhat I did with my lipstick?

Bender:Truth?

Claire:Truth.

Bender:No.

Andrew:What happened to you?

Alison:Why?Claire did it!What's wrong?

Andrew:Nothing's wrong, it's just sodifferent.I can see your face.

Alison:Is that good or bad?

Andrew:It's good!

Carl: See yaBrian.

Brian: Hey Carl.

Bender:See you next Saturday.

Carl: You bet!

Brian:Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the factthat we had to sacrifice a wholeSaturday in detention for whateverit was we did wrong.But we thinkyou're crazy to make an essaytelling you who we think we are.You see us as you want to see us.In the simplest terms, in the mostconvenient definitions.But what we found out is that each

one of us is a brain.

Andrew:and an athlete.

Alison:and a basket case.

Claire:a princess.

Bender:and a criminal.

Brian:Does that answer your question?Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

1