A Dictionary of PhonyPhrases

"This Is for Your Own Good" and Other VerbalHypocrisies

Sydney J. Harris (1917-1986)

About sixty years ago, columnist Sydney J. Harris began compiling a Dictionary of Pharisaical Phrases--expressions that mean the opposite of what they say. "Whenever people want to hurt others, and gratify themselves," Harris observed, "they begin with a mealy-mouthed phrase."

Harris's work was left unfinished, and, unfortunately, there's no evidence that verbal hypocrisies (Sir Arnold Lunn called them phrops) have diminished over the years. Therefore, I trust you won't mind if I pick up this project where Harris left off--with 20 examples adapted from essays in his collection Strictly Personal (Henry Regnery Company, 1953).

  1. "Everybody knows that . . ." means everybody who happens to agree with the prejudices and preconceptions of the speaker.
  2. "For your own good . . ." means "for the pleasure it affords me in telling you something you won't like to hear."
  3. "I don't like to boast . . ." means "try to top this one."
  4. "I don't mean to be critical . . ." means the speaker now feels he has carte blanche to find fault with whatever you have done, or have not done, because his motives are so laudably sympathetic.
  5. "I don't need to tell you . . ." means the speaker feels he has to tell you, at great length, what you may already be presumed to know.
  6. "If I don't, somebody else will . . ." means that the speaker has adopted the creed of the oldest profession in the world to justify his unethical conduct.
  7. "I have nothing against him, but . . ." means the speaker is about to slip a butter-knife between someone's shoulder blades.
  8. "I know you won't mind . . ." means the speaker is about to push his way in line ahead of you.
  9. "I'm all for progress . . ." means the speaker is pedalling backwards as fast as his intellectual rear-view mirror will permit him.
  10. "I'm sure you won't mind if . . ." means that the speaker hopes that the other person is politer than he is, and is fully prepared to take advantage of this civility.
  11. "In the brief time allotted me . . ." means the speaker has nothing to say and will take as long as possible to say it.
  12. "It really isn't any of my business . . ." means that the speaker is convinced it is his (or her) business, and enthusiastically informs you how you ought to run your business or conduct your personal affairs.
  13. "Let us be realistic . . ." means all who disagree with the speaker are wild-eyed idealists, and probably subversive crackpots.
  14. "Not to change the subject, but . . ." means the speaker intends to change the subject as promptly and forcibly as possible.
  15. "Of course, I'm not an authority . . ." means the speaker has unshakable faith that he alone has the very last word on the subject under discussion.
  16. "To be perfectly honest about it . . ." means the speaker is preparing to disguise his rudeness as candor.
  17. "We must look at the facts . . ." means the speaker has carefully arranged a set of facts that meet with his complete approval, and any contradictory evidence is mere "theory" which no reasonable person could believe.
  18. "We must see each other again soon . . ." means "As long as we can keep it this vague, there's little chance of our meeting soon, which is fine with me."
  19. "You can't mix business and friendship . . ." means that the speaker is immediately going to sacrifice friendship to business, and never the other way around. This phrase is always the stamp of an inferior man, whose Bible reads, "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for a 6 percent return."
  20. "You only live once" means "Then why not do what I know I shouldn't do?"

If you have any candidates for our new Dictionary of Phony Phrases, please visit This Is for Your Own Good—and Other Phony Phrases, and click on "comments" at the end of the post. After all, this is for your own good, and I'm thinking only of your best interests.

A Definition of a Jerk, by Sydney J. Harris

"Some extremely clever persons can be jerks"

Sydney J. Harris (1917-1986)

From the 1940s to the 1980s, Sydney J. Harris wrote a daily column, titled "Strictly Personal," that was syndicated in hundreds of newspapers throughout the United States. Described as "America's finest living aphorist" and "the most cosmic journalist we possess," Harris wrote thought-provoking personal essays on various aspects of contemporary life.

In this brief essay, first published in 1961, Harris offers an extended definition of a familiar character type.

A Jerk*

by Sidney J. Harris

I don't know whether history repeats itself, but biography certainly does. The other day, Michael came in and asked me what a "jerk" was--the same question Carolyn put to me a dozen years ago.

At that time, I fluffed her off with some inane answer, such as, "A jerk isn't a very nice person," but both of us knew it was an unsatisfactory reply. When she went to bed, I began trying to work up a suitable definition.

It is a marvelously apt word, of course. Until it was coined, there was really no single word in English to describe the kind of person who is a jerk--"boob" and "simp" were too old hat, and besides they really didn’t fit, for they could be lovable, and a jerk never is.

Thinking it over, I decided that a jerk is basically a person without insight. He is not necessarily a fool or a dope, because some extremely clever persons can be jerks. In fact, it has little to do with intelligence as we commonly think of it; it is, rather, a kind of subtle but persuasive aroma emanating from the inner part of the personality.

I know a college president who can be described only as a jerk. He is not an unintelligent man, nor unlearned, nor even unschooled in the social amenities. Yet he is a jerk cum laude, because of a fatal flaw in his nature--he is totally incapable of looking into the mirror of his soul and shuddering at what he sees there.

A jerk, then, is a man (or woman) who is utterly unable to see himself as he appears to others. He has no grace, he is tactless without meaning to be, he is a bore even to his best friends, he is an egotist without charm. All of us are egotists to some extent, but most of us--unlike the jerk--are perfectly and horribly aware of it when we make asses of ourselves. The jerk never knows.