Mourning[1]
The address was right but was I at the right house? There were many cars parked in front, people hanging out on the porch joking around, with a drink in one hand and a plate of pastries in the other. It was very loud. ‘Nice party’, I thought to myself. I walked in, desperately hoping that I was in the wrong place but knowing inside that I wasn’t. Where was she? I was looking for my student. 42 years old. Her mother had passed away 2 days ago. I finally found her in the kitchen. She was directing the waitresses and organizing the desert table. I gave her a hug, took her hand and led her into a corner.
‘I know, I know. I’m supposed to be sitting down…’ she said to me.
‘Elaine,’ I responded, ‘you are supposed to be mourning. You lost your mother. Shiva is your time to feel. To remember. To grieve. We are supposed to be taking care of you. Your friends will organize the food. Come sit. Tell me about your mother…”[2]
Points to Ponder:
· Why do people mourn?
· Should mourning be encouraged or discouraged?
· What Jewish customs of mourning are you familiar with?
· What is the goal of those customs?
· Is mourning private or public?
Outline:
Tear the Hair?
‘Tearing Kriah’
The Eulogy
“Levaya” – Escorting the Dead
Comforting the Mourners
‘Sitting Shiva’
“May the Place Comfort You”
The death of a loved one can be a time of deep emotional pain and torment. Judaism provides a framework for the expressing of, and eventually easing of, that pain. Let us try to learn some Jewish laws and customs of mourning in order to better understand the Torah way of dealing with the death of a loved one.
Tear the Hair?
Interestingly, one of the most explicit statements in the Torah about mourning instructs us what not to do:
You are children of the Lord your God –Do not cut yourselves, nor tear out hair between your eyes [in sadness] over a death[3].
Deuteronomy 14:1 / בָּנִים אַתֶּם לַיהֹוָה אֱלֹהֵיכֶם
לֹא תִתְגֹּדֲדוּ וְלֹא תָשִׂימוּ קָרְחָה בֵּין עֵינֵיכֶם לָמֵת:
How do you understand this verse?
What is wrong with tearing our flesh in grief?
What is the connection between this prohibition and the fact that we are “children of G-d”?
Think about these issues for yourself and then consider these three explanations:
What is the connection[4]?This is the explanation: If your parent who has brought you into the world has died you shall not cut yourselves - for your Father in Heaven (praised is His name) is alive eternally[5].
Tosfos Al HaTorah ad loc. / מה ענין זה לזה
אלא הכי פירושו אם מת אביכם שהוליד אתכם אין לכם להגודד עליו כי עדיין אביכם שבשמים ישתבח שמו לעד חי וקיים.
You are children of G-d your God- Therefore you should not cut yourselves over what has occurred to you even if you do not understand why it has happened to you.
Rather rely that all of Gods’ acts are for the ultimate good, just as children do not always understand the actions of their parents but still rely on them[6].
Chizkuni / בנים אתם לה' אלקיכם - לפיכך לא תתגודדו על מה שיארע לכם אפי' אינך מבין מדוע אירע לך כך אלא סמוך עליו כי כל מעשיו של הקב"ה לטובה כמו הקטנים שאינם מבינים מעשה אביהם אלא סומכים הם עליו
ומנהג האמוריים היה לפי שהיו עושין מן העולם הזה עיקר וכאשר ימות להם מת ויאבד מביניהם הנה הוא אבודו לעולם, אבל אתם אינכם כן כי בנים אתם לה' אלהיכם ודרך האב להוריש לבנו מנה יפה שיש לו, ולפיכך העוה"ב שבראתי הוא מעותד לכם, ועל כן אי אתם רשאין להתגודד על המת ולא למרט שער הראש כי בטוחים אתם שאם יאבד הגוף בעוה"ז שתירשו חיי העוה"ב שהוא העיקר / This was a practice of the Emorites because they viewed this world as the essential one. Therefore when someone would die that person would be eternally lost.
We are not like that. We are children of G-d, and we are destined for the World to Come. Therefore we should not cut our bodies nor tear out our hair for we have confidence that even if the body will be no longer in this world, the soul will inherit the next world - which is the main one[7].
Rabbeynu Bachya
How do you understand these explanations? Do they overlap?
Are they mutually exclusive?[8]
Can you think of any other ways to understand the verse above?
‘Tearing Kriah’
The Torah, however, does recognize the need to express the grief in a tangible physical way.
Someone whose relative has died, if it is a relative that one is required to mourn over, must tear (their garment) for them.Shulchan Aruch[9] / מי שמת לו מת והוא מהמתים שראוי להתאבל עליהם חייב לקרוע עליו.
How does this compare with the following Jewish law?
Whoever breaks vessels, or tears garments, or destroys a building, or clogs a well, or does away with food in a destructive manner violates the negative mitzvah of bal tashchit – do not waste or destroyMaimonides[10] / כל המשבר כלים וקורע בגדים והורס בנין וסותם מעין ומאבד מאכלות דרך השחתה עובר בלא תשחית
Does ‘tearing Kriah’ violate the prohibition against being wasteful?
How would you resolve the contradiction?
The reason why we are not concerned in these case with the prohibition against being wasteful seems to be based on what Maimonides wrote, that the reason for the tearing of the garment is that through this his anger is watered down and his mind relaxes. Therefore the tearing is for a positive purpose, and does not fall under the prohibition against being wasteful[11].Torah Temimah[12] / ומה שבאמת אין אנו חוששים בכל אלו משום איסור בעל תשחית נראה ע"פ מה שכתב הרמב"ם...דענין הקריעה הוא משום שע"י זה חומו מתפשר ודעתו מתיישבת, וא"כ הוי הדבר כלצורך גופו, וכל דבר שהוא לצורך הגוף אין בו משום בל תשחית.
The Eulogy
One of the focal points of a funeral is the eulogy.
Before reading on, answer this question for yourself:
What is the purpose of a eulogy?
Regarding the idea of a eulogy, the Sages of the Talmud[13] have taught that it is for “the honor of the dead”[14]; the Rabbis are informing us that this is something that the deceased benefits from, that the deceased still benefits from the honor shown to him in this world.Michtav Me’Eliyahu[15] / ענין ההספד, אמרו ז"ל שהוא מטעם "יקרא דשכבי" [כבוד המתים], היינו שהודיענו חז"ל שדבר זה הנאה הוא לנפטר, כי עדיין הוא נהנה מהכבוד שנותנים לו בעולם הזה.
How does this compare with following fascinating teaching?
Rav said to Rav Shmuel the son of Shilas: Make the crowd emotional during your eulogy for me, for there I am standing.Talmud[16] / אמר ליה רב לרב שמואל בר שילת אחים בהספידא דהתם קאימנא
Rashi explains:
Make the crowd emotional at my eulogy- put effort into eulogizing me when I die, so that the people will become emotional and arouse their compassion and cry.For there I am standing- at the time of the eulogy and I will hear if the people become emotional[17]. / אחים בהספידא - בשעת מיתתי התאמץ בהספד שלי, שיתחממו ויכמרו רחמי העומדים ויבכו. דהתם קאימנא - בשעת הספד, ואשמע איך תתחמם.
Why was it important to Rav that people cry at his funeral[18]?
Another interpretation of this teaching is given[19]:
We can explain this based on the words of the Kli Yakar[20] who explained why we find that angels are referred to as “standing” and people are referred to as “walking”[21] .He writes: “An angel is described as standing for they are stuck on the one spiritual level they were created on, as opposed to a person who is described as a ‘walker’ [because a person can elevate himself from one level to the next].
In the world to come people are also referred to as standing…because they are already resting peacefully after having reached their potential”.
According to this we can explain that Rav was saying,
“For there I am standing”, I will be in a place where I will no longer be able to fix the world and to grow. Therefore make the people emotional during the eulogy, inspire them during the eulogy, and with this I will be a walker among those who are standing, my merits will increase even after my death through the thoughts of repentance that the listeners have.[22] / נראה שיש לבאר זה ע"פ דברי הכלי יקר (ויקרא יח,ד) שביאר הא דאנשים נקראו מהלכים ומלאכים נקראו עומדים (זכריה ג,י) בזה"ל: כי המלאך נקרא עומד כי הוא עומד במדריגה אחת אבל האדם נקרא מהלך (מפני שאפשר לו לעלות ממדריגה למדריגה) וכן לעולם הנא נקרא גם האדם יושב...כי הוא יושב במנוחה וכבר קנה כל שלימותו.
ולפ"ז י"ל דרב קאמר ליה דהתם קאימנא, כבר אהיה במקום שאי אפשר עוד לתקן ולגדול, ולכן אחים בהספידא, תן להם התעוררות בשעת ההספד, ובזה יתאפשר לי להיות מהלך בין העומדים, שעדיין ירבו זכותי גם לאחר מיתתי על ידי הרהורי תשובה הבאים להשומעים.
“Levaya” – Escorting the Dead
The Hebrew word for a funeral is “levayah”- to accompany, referring to the bringing of the body to the grave.
Why is this part of the service so essential that it gives the entire funeral its’ name?
Rav Yehudah said: Whoever sees a dead body and does not accompany it violates the verse of “One who ridicules a poor man is blaspheming the Creator”.If he accompanies the body what is his reward?
Rav Assi said that about this person the verse writes, “One who wants to perform a service for God should have compassion on the poor; one who wants to honor God should have compassion on the indigent”[23].
The Talmud[24] / אמר רב יהודה כל הרואה המת ואינו מלוהו עובר משום לעג לרש חרף עשהו ואם הלוהו מה שכרו אמר רב אסי עליו הכתוב אומר מלוה ה' חונן דל ומכבדו חונן אביון:
Who is a dead person compared to? Why?[25]
Why is accompanying the dead so important?
… there is a continuum between death and life and that the actions that people do in life impact on their situation after death[26].Through this a person will be inspired to honor God with their actions all of their lives, because their actions will not go up in smoke, rather they will remain after death in a different form; they will be eternally present and give fruit.
Ein Ayah ad loc / …יש יחש לחיים עם המות ושפעולות החיים עושות רושם במצב המות,
ובזה יתעורר לכבד את ה' בפעולות החיים שבידו כל ימי חייו, מפני שאינן כפעולות שכלות כעשן, כ"א יתיצבו בלבוש אחר ע"י המות, אבל מציאותן תתמיד ותתן פרי.
How do you understand this teaching?[27]
Comforting the Mourners
Only after burial[28] does the comforting of the mourners begin.
Rabbi Shimon the son of Elazar said: Do not appease when your friend is in a moment of anger, and do not comfort a mourner at the time when the dead body is still present.Mishna – Pirkei Avot[29] / רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן אֶלְעָזָר אוֹמֵר, אַל תְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרְךָ בִּשְׁעַת כַּעֲסוֹ, וְאַל תְנַחֲמֶנּוּ בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁמֵּתוֹ מֻטָּל לְפָנָיו
Why does the mitzvah of comforting start after the burial?
Why not attempt to comfort the mourner before the burial?
Consider these explanations:
For when people are in pain and great sorrow if someone attempts to comfort them it will only increase and strengthen the mourning instead of alleviating it. Whenever someone is feeling something intensely and someone else tries to nullify those feelings the result will be that the feeling will be intensified[30].Derech Chayim 4:17[31] / כי גם בזה כאשר הוא בצער ובאבל גדול אם בא לנחמו הוא מוסיף ומתחזק יותר באבלו כאשר בא לבטל צערו, כי כל מי שמתגבר בדבר אחד אם בא אדם כנגדו לבטלו מזה הוא מוסיף עוד יותר כנגד המבטל.
The idea of not comforting the mourner before the deceased has been buried is so that the mourner will not suspect the comforter of not really caring about what has occurred[32].
Meiri Avot 4:23 / והוא הענין שלא ינחמהו בשעה שמתו מוטל לפניו שיחשדהו כבלתי דואג למקריו
‘Sitting Shiva’
One of the most famous Jewish mourning customs is sitting Shiva.
What does the word ‘Shiva’mean?[33]
In the book of Kohelet (Ecclesiastes), King Solomon referred to the importance of sitting Shiva:
It is better to got to the house of a mourner than to go to the house of a (wedding) feast –for this is the end of man, and the living shall take it to heart.
Ecclesiastes 7:2 / טוֹב לָלֶכֶת אֶל בֵּית אֵבֶל מִלֶּכֶת אֶל בֵּית מִשְׁתֶּה בַּאֲשֶׁר הוּא סוֹף כָּל הָאָדָם וְהַחַי יִתֵּן אֶל לִבּוֹ:
What was King Solomon’s message?
How do the beginning and end of the verse relate to each other?
Rashi offers two interpretations:
For it is the end of every person- for every person will eventually reach that point. Therefore the living should take it to heart that whatever kindness I do for the dead I will eventually need done for others to do for me…If I will eulogize others will eulogize me, if I accompany, others will accompany me.Another interpretation is that this is the end of all people, meaning that death is the end for the person in this world.
Therefore if one does not do kindness for the deceased now there will be no more opportunities to perform kindnesses for that person.
However if one is invited to a wedding and does not attend he could say, “soon you will have a child and I will attend the wedding of the child”. The living should take it to heart- this fact that there will be no more opportunities to perform a kindness for this person. / באשר הוא סוף כל האדם - בשביל שהאבל הוא סוף כל האדם סופו של כל אדם לבא לידי כך לפיכך החי יתן אל לבו כל מה שאגמול חסד עם המת אצטרך אני שיגמלו לי במותי…דיספד יספדוניה דיילוה ילויניה,
ד"א באשר הוא סוף כל האדם שהמיתה היא סוף כל ימי האדם
ואם לא עכשיו גומל לו חסד לא יגמול לו עוד אבל בית המשתה זימנו ולא הלך יוכל לומר לו סופך שיולד לך בן ושם אהיה עמך תבא לך שמחת חתונת בניך ושם אלך. והחי יתן אל לבו - הדבר הזה שאם לא עכשיו יגמול לו חסד לא יגמול לו עוד:
How do you understand these explanations?
What differences do you note between them?[34]
According to the second explanation, what is the purpose of visiting the house of a mourner?[35]
Kaddish
One of the most well known Jewish customs of mourning is the recital of the kaddish (literally, sanctify). Examine the text of the Mourner’s Kaddish and see if you can spot a difficulty: