Money Harmony
From Psychotherapist Olivia Mellan…
As a psychotherapist specializing in the conflicts individuals and couples have over money, I've come to realize that my clients are hardly unique.
About 75% of Americans have some type of problem dealing with money. Just thinking about money makes many people anxious, fearful or depressed.
Examples: When people attend my workshops, I ask them how they feel about money. Typical responses are: "Every time I have to sit down and pay the bills, I feel overwhelmed..." or "I can't control my spending, and I run up huge credit card debts..." or "My wife accuses me of being stingy and withholding when she needs money."
But being at peace with money is an attainable goal. Although some people with serious conflicts may need counseling, most people can achieve money harmony by analyzing their conflicts or blocks and doing a few simple exercises.
To Achieve Money Harmony...
FREE YOURSELF FROM YOUR PAST MONEY HISTORY.
Think about how your parents treated money and whether you are imitating their style or reacting strongly against it.
Example: Your parents were financially devastated by the Depression and became excessive hoarders or worriers. Did you react by becoming an overspender? Or do you imitate your parents and worry no matter how much money you have?
In either case, decide on one action to take to help you become more balanced in your spending, saving and investing.
IDENTIFY YOUR OWN MONEY MYTHS.
Do you believe that money equals happiness? Love? Power? Control? Security?
If you believe any of these myths, or more than one, you cannot make rational decisions about your money. Determine which of these myths grips you personally and find examples around you that contradict the myth.
Example: If you believe that money equals freedom, remind yourself of the rich people you know or read about who are imprisoned by their lifestyles. Then think about someone who is not wealthy but lives a free, contented life.
Perhaps you know someone who travels to foreign countries on only a shoestring budget but who understands how to really absorb the culture of that country... whose life is rich and varied, even though money is far from plentiful.
Whenever you fall into the pattern of thinking that money brings what you want or need, focus on examples that negate that myth.
IDENTIFY YOUR OWN MONEY PERSONALITY.
I've identified seven types...
~ Hoarders can't bear to part with their money. They always save toward long-term goals.
~ Spenders often want to spend money now and tend to put nothing aside.
~ Bingers save but then wipe out everything in a big splurge.
~ Avoiders delay paying bills, doing taxes or even keeping track of their money.
~ Worriers fret about money, whether they have it or not.
~ Money Monks think money is dirty, that it corrupts, and they would rather not have too much of it.
~ Amassers need to have money all the time, to spend... invest... and impress other people.
DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Choose one action that reverses your way of handling money.
~ If you're a hoarder, spend some money on luxuries.
~ If you're a spender, put some money into savings.
~ If you're a binger, refrain from making any impulsive purchases for a week. Only make planned purchases that do not exceed your budget.
~ If you're an avoider, pay the bills early. Write down everything you spend and how you feel about those purchases for one week.
~ If you're a worrier, take 15 minutes a day to write down your money worries and then let go of those worries for the rest of the day.
~ If you're a money monk, buy something that you consider "selfish."
~ If you're an amasser, go one day with no money in your pocket.
Practice these new behaviors once a week and write down how it feels. Reward yourself for "doing what doesn't come naturally." Choose a reward that makes you feel you're being good to yourself in a special way. There is a crucial difference between indulging yourself by spending a lot of money that you don't have and simply treating yourself well by nourishing the deeper part of you. You can't do both at the same time. Opt more and more for deeper fulfillment.
DON'T KEEP UNNECESSARY SECRETS ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR MONEY.
Be open and honest with good friends. If you're trying to spend less because of a money crunch, tell them so. Good friends will be supportive.
RESOLVE MONEY FIGHTS AND TENSIONS WITH THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU.
For most couples, money is a major source of conflict. One of the best resolutions is for each to acknowledge the other's financial strengths.
Example: If one partner is a spender and the other is a hoarder, each probably envies the other. The spender would like to learn to delay gratification... and the hoarder would like to enjoy life a little more in the present. Sharing this can open communication.
PRACTICE BEING MORE LIKE YOUR PARTNER.
Once a week at least, see how it feels and what you can learn from operating in your partner's style. Talk over the experience and aim for some balance.
NEVER MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT MONEY WHEN YOU ARE EXHAUSTED OR UNDER STRESS.
Try to set aside time to take stock of your financial situation when there is no immediate decision or crisis to deal with.
AIR YOUR FEELINGS BEFORE NEGOTIATING OR MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MONEY.
Examine your irrational fears, hopes and longings before you discuss an important financial decision with your partner or go into a business negotiation. If you are making a decision with a partner, each of you should feel free to air your worries without being criticized or judged by the other.
ENVISION MONEY HARMONY.
Imagine yourself in a totally balanced or relaxed state when it comes to spending, saving and investing your money. Identify one action you can take once a week to move toward that picture. Don't forget to reward yourself and write down your reactions to your new, expanded money mode. Take time to enjoy the journey to money harmony!
SOURCE:
Reprinted with Permission of:
Bottom Line/Personal
Boardroom, Inc.
281 Tresser Blvd, 8th Floor
Stamford, CT 06901
www.bottomlinesecrets.com/
May, 2000
(April, 2006)
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