5 Things You Must Say to Your Kids,

by Dr. Brad Schwall


Communicate these messages not only with words, but with actions.

1. “I am here for you.”

Being present physically and emotionally builds trust and intimacy. Even with work and busy schedules, you can make the time you do have with your child quality time.

How to say it:

  • Set aside time to be with your child.
  • Take advantage of morning-time, drive-time, meal-time, and bed-time.
  • Be at as many games, recitals, and performances as possible.
  • Be involved. Volunteer to help with your child's activities. The more you are involved in your child's life, the more you have to talk about.
  • Be there for down time too.
  • Always be there with your full attention.

If you are not present with your child physically and emotionally, your child will come to accept and expect your absence.

2. “I hear you.”

Listening encourages your child to feel understood and share more with you.

How to say it:

  • Listen attentively.
  • Reflect feelings.
  • Show excitement when your child shares about accomplishments.
  • Guide your child to problem-solve when she comes to you with a concern.
  • Just listen. Sometimes kids (and adults) just want to share their thoughts and feelings. They don't want advice.

Lectures and repeating “Uh-huh” without really listening discourages children from sharing.

3. “My job is to prepare you for life.”

You communicate your care through the structure, guidance, and supervision you provide.

How to say it:

  • Set specific and clear rules.
  • Step in to give guidance and step back to let your child make choices on his own.
  • Focus on what you want your child to do rather than on what you do not want him to do.

Discipline is about teaching your child self-discipline - equipping your child with skills for life.

4. “I make mistakes.”

We sometimes have a bad day or respond to our children impatiently. You do not lose your authority when you admit your mistakes and apologize.

How to say it:

  • Apologize if you have spoken or acted disrespectfully. Do not apologize about what you were trying to say, but about how you said it.
  • Be specific about what you did that was not quite right.
  • Always forgive and re-connect after disagreements.

Our children know we make mistakes whether we admit it or not. Re-connecting after difficult interactions can build as much closeness as interactions that are fun and pleasant.

5. “I love you no matter what.”

Show love unconditionally. Show love during good times and difficult times. Back up the words "I love you" with consistent acts of love.

How to say it:

  • Give specific affirmations.
  • Pay attention.
  • Show interest.
  • Accept your child for who she or he is.

Love expressed with words does not have meaning unless it is backed up by actions. Our children will remember the overall impact of our daily interactions with them for the rest of their lives.