11 Changing Relationships
2
Updated 14 January 2009
Even when the person you care for is someone you love the changing balance of relationships can cause confusing feelings to arise. The dominant partner may become the dependant one. The parent may become the child. The status that had previously been familiar and secure becomes alien and unsettling.
There are many emotions tied up with taking on responsibility for someone else. There will be times when caring can be very rewarding, and can deepen relationships between the Carer and the person being cared for, but there may be times when you don’t know how it will be possible to keep going.
We all have to face change in our lives. The difference for a Carer is that you don’t always feel you have a choice. Caring has been thrust upon you – there is just no one else around to take it on. You may have had to give up work so there may be loss of earnings and loss of status. The support you could always rely on from your partner may no longer be there; you may feel a sense of loss. Feelings of anger and resentment may arise, followed by feelings of guilt.
Perhaps you recognise some of these feelings – rest assured it is quite normal to have these feelings. We have noted below some actions you could consider which may help you.
· Don’t expect perfection in yourself. Even Florence Nightingale probably swore sometimes.
· Don’t become isolated.
· Don’t refuse help, company or the chance of a break.
· Recognise that you and the person you care for may need someone else to talk to, in private.
· Keep communicating in whatever way you can. Ask for professional help if necessary.
· Seek information about the illness which may have a bearing on behaviour.
· Look for practical help such as respite care or professional advice on a particular problem.
· Call Stirling Carers Centre. We are here to help you.
Giving Up Caring
The time may come when you realise that the only alternative is that the person you care for goes into residential care. This decision can be traumatic for you to deal with – many Carers feel a strong sense of failure and loss. Try to think of the positive aspects. You will have made the decision for the best reasons. Talk to the person if you can, discuss the move, look at the other options together. You might find that they are more accepting of the situation than you expected. This decision might even reduce a stressful situation for both of you.
Coping With Loss
Feeling associated with bereavement can occur when you suffer the loss of a loved one. The loss may not be through death.
A sense of loss can occur if someone you are close to has to go into residential care, or if the person you know is `lost`, perhaps following a stroke or through Alzheimer’s disease.
Everyone reacts differently to loss – there are no rules and regulations. Sometimes in the early stages you may not feel anything, you are numb, there is a sense of disbelief. There are arrangements to see to so you are able to push your emotions aside.
But then as reality sets in you may experience intense and confusing feelings, perhaps anger, guilt, utter despair. Some people need to talk about their loss others stay quiet and grieve in private. It is important to acknowledge your feelings, go with them, and find your own way of coping. Be kind to yourself, rest as much as possible. The people around you will be concerned and want to protect you, perhaps by not talking about the person who has died. Try talking to them, tell them what is best for you.
If your emotions continue and you are not moving forward, you may need to speak to a trained counsellor. Ask your doctor or the Stirling Carers Centre about who can help.
It can take a long time to work through grief but as the weeks and months go by the day will come when you can smile at a fond memory instead of crying. The sadness of the bereavement may always be with you but you will move on, it will not always dominate your life.
2
Updated 14 January 2009