Evad Tnayrb
David Bryant
English 10-1
September 20, 2011
On Anxiety
Writing would be a lot easier in a bell jar… with a black sheet over it… and a little light inside… maybe… because of the lack of pressure. Moving beyond the expectations of others can be a daunting task, because most of us are trained from early childhood to do nothing but consider our neighbors. Perhaps the best way to do so (like writing in a bell jar) is to create a small space; be it a physical office, or a “psychological construct”, that locks from the inside. Elizabeth Gilbert describes the latter as a “muse”, on whom she hangs the entire responsibility for success or failure, that protects her from the expectations of others. Stephen King also speaks of a muse but perhaps more saliently; he shares an anecdote about his shift from a massive oak desk, to a more manageable one; which is a metaphor for getting to work rather than relying on gimmicks. I can relate to this, in that I’ve quite literally added a tiny office to my home, transforming what was a four foot by ten foot boot-room into a writing space, added square footage, with not one, but two doors that lock from the inside.
In her TED talk “On Nurturing Creativity” Elizabeth Gilbert poignantly refers to the deaths of many modern artists (Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Mark Rothko and Sylvia Plath come to mind) who took their own lives. While we can’t generalize about what drove each one to their deaths, Gilbert describes her quest to create a safe “psychological construct” to protect her from the questions she has been asked (or perhaps asked herself) about her writing. “Aren’t you afraid that you’re going to work your whole life at this craft and nothing’s ever going to come of it, and your going to die on a scrap heap of broken dreams with your mouth filled with the bitter ash of failure?” (Gilbert n.p.). This question encapsulates all my own fears about writing. Will it be good enough that people want to read it? Even more so, will it tell the truth? Will it break their hearts? Change their minds? Will it be worthwhile? The trouble is, the only possible answer is no. If I rationally ask myself, can I please everybody? The answer is no. The obvious question is do I want to please everybody? No. I want to create something beautiful and moving, and the truth is those questions only serve to freeze my creative process. Gilbert moves past her fear of failing people’s expectations by passing responsibility on to a muse, “kind of like Dobby the house elf … who would come out and sort of invisibly assist” her with her writing (n.p.). I move past my fear by locking the door.
In On Writing Stephen King also talks about a muse, a “basement guy” who smokes cigars and “has a bag of magic” (King 144). King admits that he spent long years drinking more and more, to cope with the demands of his life and work. When he became a best selling author, his talent brought a great deal of money and King bought a beautiful home in the woods of Maine. On the second floor, he built a “spacious, skylighted study” and traded his old metal writing desk for “the sort of massive oak slab that would dominate a room”. King confesses that a new desk failed to bring the magic, and he soon realized he would have to choose between success and fear of failure. King went back to basics. He stopped drinking and drowning his sorrows. He got to work; started writing again. “I got another desk—it’s handmade, beautiful, and half the size of the T. Rex desk. I put it at the far west end of the office, in a corner under the eave” (100). Since then, prolific does not begin to describe King’s work. The muse visits often and seems friendly (at least from an outsider’s perspective).
I took a cue from both of my muses, Steve and Liz, and realized that for me the biggest difficulty is balancing the expectations of family, work, and my passion for writing. My safe-zone measures four foot by ten foot, and that, I have found is exactly enough square footage for me to forget about the aims of others, and get back to one of the most valued pursuits I have. Writing. It took a week of last years summer vacation, and about a thousand dollars of hard earned money, but I built a comfortable, rustic, quiet little room that I can find the magic in.
So it’s not a bell jar. Far from it, if anything I am usually the one who steps out the door, for a snack or a talk or a walk; but its not because I am surrounded by critics asking whether I am afraid of failure. Its not because I am too busy building an edifice to my own success. The point is, its there; the space is there; the muse is there. Now its up to me to step into the room, lock the doors, and get down to work.
Bibliography
King, Stephen. On Writing. New York: Scribner, 2000. Print.
Gilbert, Elizabeth, writ. On Nurturing Creativity. Narr. Elizabeth Gilbert. 2009. TED. Web. 20 Mar. 2012. <http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html>.