1 Stascavage
What Does it Mean to be a Man?A paper by Patrick Stascavage
A look into the psyche of being a man
The origins of a man can never really be explained, but merely hypothesized. The big question to look at here is “what does it mean to be a man”? To get an answer, one has to look at three things; maturity, milestones, and mishaps. Maturity can be gauged by how much responsibility one has accepted, milestones are determined by culture, and mishaps are the random factor thrown in. To really find the answer, one would have to ask a large group of people. This has already been done by a researcher in Australia who asked two groups of men, one in there 20’s and the other group being middle aged. One person who this writer interviewed was abused by his wife and he said he felt humiliated and tiny because of it. The interviewees were clueless as to how their manhood came about. Some even claimed to still not be grown up. Others said it just happened when you reached a certain age. In the Jewish community, a boy isn’t considered a man until his Bar Mitzvah, so thus, some cultures have special rites of passage. From these results, it seems nothing can be made about what it means to be a man. Everyone will always have a different answer, and the real answer may very well differ from man to man.
Over the years, the human race has progressed quite far in terms of equal rights and the roles that both genders play in society. Women are now taken seriously and are a huge part to the modern family and do much more than stay home and watch the kids. But have they kept their innocent and weak image? What kind of image does a man now have? Globally, as a human, what does it mean to be a man?
When asked “What does it mean to be a man?”, this student got a lot of feedback, most of which consisted of someone who can support a family, is always loving, and someone who is “Ballsy”. This was an American view gotten from both male and female perspectives. But what about other cultures and countries? Does every man have the same responsibilities as a community and family leader? What really makes a man a man? What leads up to abuse for either gender and how can it be prevented? There seems to be this image stuck in our heads of a big muscular guy slapping a poor helpless woman around whenever we think of abuse, but that is not the case. Men are abused almost as much as females are, but not nearly enough of these cases are brought to light. Why? Because society has this image of men as being providers and being large and in charge. They have to be able to stand up to anything and control their family. This leads to another problem that occurs in America. Rape is a very serious and ugly problem. 10 % of it’s victims are male, outside of prison, but hardly any of them come out about and discuss it. They are ashamed and feel like power has been taken. I hope to shed more light on this blight through research and hopefully an interview with at least one victim of abuse or rape.
Maybe the question that one should be asking is What does it mean to be a human? What does it mean to be? What does it mean? Maybe the real question is Why? Why does a man come about. Well there are 3 different requirements that must be met which include Milestones, Maturity, And Mishaps. Milestones being the peaks that one achieves in life while heading toward his ultimate goal. Maturity is when he realizes he is grown up and takes on responsibility. Some milestones and maturity remarks will most definitely overlap. Finally there arehave mishaps. Not everyone has a perfect life, so one must take into consideration, such as abuse or rape.
Maturity in general is something that both men and women need to achieve in order to be a true man or woman. According to one author(David B Bohl author of Slow Down Fast), there are 7 signs that one has reached maturity. The first of which is that one has to be able to make smart decisions without getting angry. Too often we let our anger control our outcomes to situations, which we later regret. Patience comes next. Once we learn to be patient we can stop looking for immediate quick fixes which normally don’t last long and try and work out a long term solution that will resolve a problem for good. The next trait of maturity pretty much sums up to being able to handle anything no matter how bad it may be. One has to accept a loss when it happens and realize that they have to happen from time to time and once one gets past the difficult times, one can start the good times. The next is humility, which this writer believes is huge trait a man needs. It’s easy to boast about being right but it takes nearly everything in one’s being able to admit that oneis wrong. With this trait, one also has to learn about perspective and realize everyone sees things differently. According to Dave, the next step is the follow through. If one is going to make a decision one has to go with it, be it a promise or parenthood. One just can’t quit, especially when it comes to the latter. Also when canceling one needs to have the ability to organize an ultimatum with the party oneis canceling with, especially in a crisis situation. Finally, Dave says one needs to live at peace in order to achieve utmost maturity. One needs to learn life is life and somethings are just unchangeable and that’s just the way its going to be.(Bohl 1) According to another source, the way maturity progresses is not definitive and can range from person to person. Some things are certain and that is education, skill sets, and money have nothing to do with Maturity. (Gauging Matuiry 1)
Every man has a set of milestone’s which happen throughout his life. To become a man, one has to reach a certain amount of these, which may actually vary from person to person. These milestones may include anything from a man’s first beer with his father, to realizing for the first time that he is wrong. Some of the milestones listed by one author, which this writer found relevant, were one’s first paycheck(Shows one is willing to work for ones money and introduces the responsibility and pain of paying taxes), first victory “Over the Man”, and the first time one dumps a girl, which takes an extraordinary amount of effort to do.(CITATION) One may even say that a man’s first beer is a huge milestone. A man will always remember how awful his first beer tasted, which would later take years to get over, but it’s all a part of growing up.(Beer CITATION)
Different religions have different milestones for when one becomes a man. Probably the most widely known and recognized is a Jewish boy’s Bar mitzvah. This is his becoming a man ceremony. When a boy comes to the ripe old age of 13, he is known as a “bar mitzvah”, which roughly translates to the son of the commandment. The boy now has every right that a man above the age of 13 has and is responsible both morally and ethically for everything he does. The party in which the Jewish people celebrate this coming of manhood is also referred to as a bar mitzvah. Technically the ceremony isn’t required, seeing that as soon as boy turns 13, he is automatically a man, but it is had by many, and the specific details may vary. It really depends on which section of Judaism they belong too, for example, Orthodox is one of those sections. Another thing that a boy may do is read the Torah and a special blessing during the next Sabbath, which he could spend months, years even, preparing for this sacred and special event. In some sects of Judaism, the boy has to raise money in which he donates to a charity before/ during his bar mitzvah. During the service, the boy and his family receive many blessings from the community, and some pass on the family Torah from generation to generation (ex. Grandfather to father to the son who is coming of age). The Jewish community considers this to be a milestone that begins his further study into Jewish beliefs. The whole party idea is actually a fairly new one. One thing to keep in mind is that it is the celebration of a sacred religious milestone, not a big party. For gift’s many families will give money. Normally, a large chunk of this is donated to the charity of his choosing, then the rest is put towards his college fund.(Pelaia, Peter) Girls have something similar to a bar mitzvah called a bat mitzvah, which means the daughter of the commandment. This happens a year earliar than boys and they gain the same rights as every other adult women. The first Bat Mitzvahs actually happened really recently in 1922. It finally allowed women to participate during the Sabbath and let them read from the Torah. This was modeled heavily from the Bar Mitzvah model, but isn’t nearly as complicated. Because some Orthodox communities still prohibit women from participating at all in the ceremonies, there is hardly any to no trace of bat mitzvahs in these communities.(Peliea 1)
In the Buddhist religion, boys undergo a process called the Shinbyu, which marks the samanera of a boy 20 years of age or younger. It’s quite an honor for the parents to let the boy become this, so that he may study under the Buddha for quite a bit, and maybe even the rest of his life. This allows a boy to go to a monastery from a time period ranging from quite short, to the rest of his life to study all about the Buddhist ways. It’s such a huge honor to the family, that some families who did not have a boy sometimes adopt a boy, or offer to pay for a poorer families to child to have such a life changing experience. (Shinbyu)
To further ones understanding, one must start at the beginning. When does a male become a man? According to a writer named Kipnis, this transition is gradual and is in some sorts, a rite of passage. Some of the main milestones of becoming a man include the dad’s approval on one’s choices and actions, starting of sexual actions, consumption of alcohol, etc. It’s these simple steps according to authors of masculinity that lead to one’s “initiation” into manhood. Technically speaking, one becomes a man when one turns 18, but one therapist says that there are many men walking around that are still children. This same therapist, Biddulph, thinks that every boy needs a mentor or teacher of sorts to help ease them into manhood.(Crawford 25)
In America, we are severely lacking in assistance and opportunity that young males need in order to become a man. According to Jungian psychologists, there are only for specifications that one needs in order to dignify himself as a man. These include finding one’s place in the world, being able to support oneself, and developing one’s own identity. This identity is something that defines the differences between oneself and one’s parents, showing that you are indeed one’s own person. (Crawford 25)
In an Australian study about how a male would describe when exactly he became a man, the results were pretty interesting. Before jumping right into any kind of serious question, there was small talk about past sports and all these interviews were held were held somewhere public and comfortable. After the small talk, they where asked the big question,” When did he become a man?” and the all around response was the same.They make nervous gestures, and often they leaned far back in their chairs if they could. The question was open ended and left to be interpreted in any way the interviewee saw fit. None of the men interviewed even noticed this response. Here is one of the interviews:
“Haha, hmff. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m one yet! I don’t know. That’s an interesting question ’cos you hear ’grow up be a man’ and all that. I don’t really know when that comes. I don’t really know. People go ’do you consider yourself a man?’ I don’t really think about it, its sort of question where you go ’I don’t know’. Just never really thought about it a lot though! I wasn’t really looking for anyone to show me when I was younger, like. I didn’t really think about it, just sort of grew up. - Toby, 22.”
Everyone of the interviewees, except one, couldn’t honestly answer when it was that they became a man. The thought behind this was that they hadn’t many responsibilities common to someone who is older, such as a family. This is what gets the men to talk about the main question of this paper. “What does it mean to be a man?”. Most of them fail at trying to put into words what it means, as if it is an inevitable part of life.(Crawford 25)
“I think you are pretty much a man when you make a decision that whatever society throws at you, when you finally decide what your views are, what your attitudes are and live your life by them, this is my belief.”– Dominic
Strangely, two of the interviewees talked about how they didn’t want to grow up and weren’t ready for life just yet, while some talked about how being a man means standing up for whatever it is that one believes in no matter what. Not a lot of people think about mundane things such as this, so the answer is pretty complicated.(Crawford 25)
“Yeh in the past few years, just a general sort of maturity, interested in being me. I just think it was a gradual thing. I haven’t given the issue much thought”– Alex
Everyone that was interviewed admits that they have given this little to no thought and assumed it just kind of happened, as one got older. The oldest guy was 26 and even he had no clue as to when someone “becomes a man” in today’s world. They really have trouble telling how it happens, but they believe that it has to do with some milestones in growing up, such as reaching voting age and being able to drink, etc. (Crawford 25)
This same thing is done with men who are in their late 30’s-40’s and they have for the most part all been married at one point. They had the same question asked as the first group, “When did you become a man?”(Crawford 25)
“Am I a man? Are you a man? Are any of us really men? I don’t know? When does any man become a man? Is it when he’s circumcised, is it he has the first sex, is it when he has his first child? I think becoming a man is a lifelong process. It’s like learning, you never finish …But I think a lot of men, especially young men, don’t think they’re successful until they have reared a family.” - James, 38.(Crawford 25)
Hardly any of them can reply to this. At first the initial reaction is to talk about puberty, but even this topic fades as they themselves start delving deeper into thought. The fathers eventually came to a decision that the time when they officially became a man was when their first child was born. One suggests it’s a kind of evolution, but later contradicts himself but doesn’t even care that he did so.(Crawford 25)
“The Jews have their bar-mitzvah, the aborigines have their ceremonies, all indigenous cultures have that. Umm, white Anglo-Saxon males its getting drunk, 18th birthday, yeh, get a ’root’. I don’t think any sort of physical ceremony can do that. It’s a ..developing consciousness, which is far greater than any physical attribute or coming of age.”-Ashley 38(Crawford 25)
so this shows that even men at the mid-life phase of life haven’t really given much thought on the subject of what does it mean to me a man. The data shows that they just assume it just comes about when one reaches the certain milestones in his life. The three words that were given to definae a man were, ”provider, guardian, and partner”. (Crawford 25)
None of the interviewees can remember a situation that immediately made them realize they have achieved the status of manhood, also their own culture didn’t have a signifying manhood event, such as a Bar mitzvah. Ashley once again, is the only one to give his two cents on what he believes it means to be man.(Crawford 25)
“the ability to do more that what is required of you .. I think its more aaah ..willingness to stand up and be counted for what you are, who you are, what you believe in! Even if it means standing alone. I don’t think it’s a physical sort of sense.”-Ashley(Crawford 25)
What really makes a man a man? What leads up to abuse for either gender and how can it be prevented? We seem to have this image stuck in our heads of a big muscled guy slapping a poor helpless woman around whenever we think of abuse, but that is not the case. Men are abused almost as much as females are, but not nearly enough of these cases are brought to light. Why? Because society has this image of men as being providers and being large and in charge. They have to be able to stand up to anything and control their family. (Crawford 25)