VANYA Or What the Fuck Was I Thinking?

VANYA or “What the Fuck Was I Thinking?”

Adapted from the Chekhov by Lavina Jadhwani

Please note: Diverse casting is not just encouraged, it’s a must. Ideally Alexander and/or Astrov are men of color. I’m open, in terms of the women – but Marina must not be the only non-white woman in the mix. Perhaps Sonya and Yelena are of different races.

Also: In this version, the characters of Marya (matriarch) and Marina (nanny) have been combined into one role.

On Punctuation

beat = a pivot in thought, can happen quickly or slowly

pause = a pause in action

ACT ONE

Vanya’s study. Early evening. Perhaps there are the maps and caged starlings proposed in the original text. It is claustrophobic, and not at all fancy. Maybe it was, once upon a time, but if so – it has not aged well.

A touch of winter is in the air.

Marina calmly tries to glue pieces of a broken teacup back together. A stack of tea trays, etc., are nearby.

MARINA: (to audience) It’s always the same thing. Every gosh darn time. These silly geese, they smash into everything, and then wonder why they’re surrounded by broken pieces. But with time, and patience – a lot of patience – and a damn good sense of humor, they’ll heal. They’ll survive. Perhaps they’ll even start to thrive again. But for now…

Waffles enters in a huff. He finishes packing a suitcase and/or starts carrying luggage away.

WAFFLES: Hurry up, Nanny – it’s almost time to say goodbye! They’ve already sent for the carriage.

MARINA: (to audience) For now, we do this. (to Waffles) We have time.

WAFFLES: No, we don’t! They’re moving away. Forever!

MARINA: Mmm. Not long enough.

WAFFLES: Miss Yelena kept yelling, “I will not live in this house, not one hour longer!” She got quite a scare. I guess they weren’t made to live here, in the country… that’s fate.

MARINA: That’s life. Good riddance. All that squawking and shouting and shooting off of guns! Silly geese. It’ll be much quieter now. Maybe now we can go back to our normal lives – breakfast at eight, lunch at one, a little supper in the evening… like good Christian people. I haven’t had breakfast before noon in… has it been months? Years? No matter. Soon, it’ll be nice and peaceful again. she holds up the repaired teacup, which is missing one large piece. she sighs.

VANYA (offstage): Don’t you fucking touch me!

MARINA: Oh God, what now?!

Vanya enters, followed by Astrov.

VANYA: Get the hell away from me! (to Marina and Waffles) You two, too! You’re all eyeing me all of the time, and I can’t stand it! (to audience) You all can stay if you’d like, you paid money to watch this shitshow. For some reason. Yes, you -- let’s not spend the next ninety minutes pretending like we can’t see each other, okay? Okay? he waits until someone responds “okay” or something else affirmative (back to Marina and Waffles) But you two – out! Now.

WAFFLES: Of course, Vanya, right away.

MARINA: You don’t have to ask me twice.

WAFFLES: Well, technically…

They exit. Vanya gestures to Astrov to follow suit.

ASTROV: You know I won’t leave. Not until you return what you took.

VANYA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

ASTROV: Vanya, please. Give me back the morphine. I need to go – look, I’ve already stayed too long.

VANYA: I didn’t take anything.

ASTROV: Very well, I’ll just sit here and wait. But I will use force, if I have to. I mean it, Vanya. Come on man, don’t let it come to this!

VANYA: I haven’t taken anything from you! They have taken everything from me… he starts to weep, then laugh Can you believe it? I missed! Twice! I shot at him twice, and missed both times! sings “What the fuck was I…” how did that song go? Astrov shrugs Whatever. God, what an ass…

ASTROV: You? Or him?

VANYA: Both! I should’ve aimed for myself, I’d definitely make that shot… Instead, I try to shoot my idiot brother-in-law, miss (twice), and then everyone pulls out their kid gloves and starts handling me. Like I’m insane! Well, maybe I am. But you all are also insane! (to audience) Let me tell you about the people in this house. First, there’s the “professor” who pretends to have brains, but actually – he hasn’t a single original thought in his head. And then there’s his “wife” who pretends to have morals, but cheats on him the first chance she gets. And then there’s… (to Astrov) you! Who also pretends to have morals, but is caught embracing said married woman! That’s right, I saw you two!

ASTROV: So what? They’re leaving today, it hardly even matters. Jesus, just forget about that, Vanya.

VANYA: How can I?! Please, this feeling – it’s worse than pain. Give me something to dull it.

ASTROV: You’re already stolen my drugs! What are you waiting for, an instruction manual?

VANYA: I just want to forget. Maybe I can start over, find a new life…

ASTROV: THERE IS NOTHING NEW. he laughs bitterly Christ, I sound like you. You know, a couple hundred years from now, people will look back on our lives and realize how stupid we were. Maybe they will have found a way to be happy, but you and I – all we have to look forward to is a little peace and quiet after we’re dead. Yes, brother – we were once the only two, intelligent, decent men in this whole county. But something dragged us down into the muck with the rest of them… or was it someone?

Now listen, you have to give me back that morphine, or everyone will think I helped you kill yourself. I’m going to have to do your autopsy anyway, so you might as well give me something interesting to dissect, like a bullet wound, mmm?

VANYA: How about I just hang myself?

ASTROV: … You know, I haven’t seen that one in a while.

They laugh. Sonya enters. They stop laughing.

VANYA: Just leave me the hell alone!

ASTROV: Sonya, please. Your uncle has stolen a bottle of morphine from my bag and won’t give it back. Please get him to return it, he’ll listen to you.

SONYA: He stole from you?! Oh no.Uncle, please you mustn’t frighten us like this. I am at least as unhappy as you are, but you don’t see me shooting off guns or stealing from our friends. We are survivors, Uncle Vanya. We will accept things the way they are and carry on… we will carry on for the rest of our natural lives, no matter how hard or hopeless things get. she begins to tremble We will --

VANYA: Jesus, take it. He hands the bottle to Astrov.

ASTROV: Thanks. I should get going…

YELENA: (entering) Vanya. We are leaving. Go see Alexander, please. He has something to say to you.

VANYA: Jawohl!

YELENA: German. Really?

SONYA: I’ll go with you Uncle Vanya. Come, let’s say goodbye to Papa. You two must part as friends… They exit

YELENA: So. Goodbye. She extends her hand. Astrov does not take it. They’re bringing the carriage around. He does not move. You promised me you’d stop coming here.

ASTROV: You’re right. I’ll leave now. He pauses at the door. Was this all so terrible for you?

YELENA: Yes.

ASTROV: Then why not stay? Things couldn’t get worse, for either of us. You could meet me tomorrow…

YELENA: No, we are leaving. I’ve made up my mind. Astrov starts to leave again. But I did have one request! Please… think well of me. I’d like you to respect me. To think I’m a good person.

ASTROV: Respect you? You can’t be serious. You complain for months on end about how fucking BORED you are – and then, when you find the one thing in this place that isn’t completely uninteresting, you throw it all away! You tossed me aside the second things got hard. And for what? A second chance at city life, sure, but you’ll be saddled with that old fool the whole time. That’s your bed, now lie in it -- metaphorically… he approaches her Literally…

Think of what we could do here, Yelena… amongst the trees… in nature…

YELENA: You’re the worst. And the best. I’m still angry with you… but I shall think of you fondly. Oh hell, we’re never going to see each other again, so I might as well tell you the truth… I was attracted to you. A little. Now let’s shake hands and part as friends, shall we? They join hands. Please don’t hate me.

ASTROV: You’ve ruined our lives. You and your husband arrive, and we all get sucked into your idleness and – I used to WORK! You know!? But you show up and ask me to drop everything to tend to your husband’s “gout” and… and there are a lot of other actually sick people out there, but how could I say no? (aside) Could I have said no?

(to Yelena) You and Alexander, you destroy everything you find. You pull us into your web, and then you chew us up and spit us out, like we’re nothing. Just… nothing, really. If you did stay, I’d never survive it. It wouldn’t be fun for you, either. Well, maybe a little. So, anyway. Au revoir. He gives her the tiniest peck on the cheek.

YELENA: Yes, farewell. He starts to leave. Oh, for once in my life… what the hell. She runs towards him. They embrace, passionately. Then… I should go. I’ll just… take this handkerchief, to remember you by. she removes the handkerchief from his pocket Goodbye.

She turns to leave but is met by Alexander, Vanya, Waffles, and Sonya, all returning.

ALEXANDER: Stop apologizing Vanya, what’s done is done. Let’s leave it all behind us. If anything, you’ve finally given me something to write about – a brush with death, how macabre! The university wrote me as soon as they heard – they want to commission my memoirs, can you believe it? So, your apology is accepted, and I hope you will accept mine. Goodbye.

VANYA: (to audience) To this day, I can’t tell if he has the best luck, or if I have the worst. Not that it matters now. (to Alexander) Goodbye.

ALEXANDER: as he and Yelena say farewell to the others Goodbye… Goodbye nanny, yes we will write after we’ve settled in the city… and send a photo after we settle, of course… (to Astrov) I especially enjoyed meeting you. Your ideas are so compelling -- your philosophy, your passion… it’s seductive, really!

Now, if you all will indulge some parting advice from a dottering old man: you must get down to work! We have all lazed around too much these last few months – even the tea trays have started to pile up. (Forgive me, Nanny.) Roll up your sleeves, do something useful! You will accomplish great things, I know it! Okay? Best of luck.

WAFFLES: And best of luck to you, Your Excellency! Sorry, Alexander! Please, don’t forget about us!

YELENA: Never! How could we, Ivan Ivanich?

WAFFLES: My name is NOT Ivan Ivanich! It is Ilya Ilych, not Ivan Ivanich – or you can call me Waffles, like the rest of them do! It’s not that hard to remember – Waffles because my face looks like a waffle iron, because of all these damn acne scars. The blemishes that made me my wife find me ugly. My wife who left me after just one day of marriage because she found me so… facially repulsive. he might be weeping by now

Awkard pause.

VANYA: Yes, well we’re all very sorry about that, Waffles, but there’s only room for one crazy old man in this house at a time, and right now that’s me. Remember me? The lunatic with the gun?

YELENA: He still has the gun?!

WAFFLES: No, he doesn’t. I hid it in the cellar… dammit. He exits.

ALEXANDER: Right well. We’re off. He leaves, arm in arm with Sonya. Marina follows.

VANYA: Yelena. Please… forgive me. We shall never see each other again. He hands her a smushed bouquet of autumn roses.

YELENA: Farwell, my dear Vanya. She takes the flowers and extends her hand. He kisses it. She exits.

VANYA: They’ve gone.

ASTROV: You’re not going to see them off?

VANYA: Didn’t you hear the professor? We must work…

Marina and Sonya return.

MARINA: They’ve gone.

SONYA: Yes, they’ve gone. God bless them. Well, Uncle, we should get back to work… It’s been a long time since we sat at this desk together. Now, there’s this new batch of bills, you take this account and I’ll… oh look, the ink has dried up. Has it been that long?

The sound of a carriage departing.

ASTROV: They’ve gone. A pause.

VANYA: So many bills…

MARINA: Time for a nap.

ASTROV: I should go, too. He starts to pack up his papers. I’ll just say goodbye to you… my friends… my little table…

VANYA: This is what we owe to other people…

MARINA: Stay a little longer, won’t you?

ASTROV: looking at Sonya I can’t.

VANYA: … and this is what others owe us. he compares the stacks

SONYA: Will we see you again? Soon?

ASTROV: I don’t think… next summer, perhaps. The winters are hard for me you know. Of course if you need anything, any of you, don’t hesitate to call… well, thank you for your kindness, your hospitality. (to Marina) Goodbye, nanny.

MARINA: Tea before you go?

ASTROV: No, thank you.

MARINA: A little vodka?

ASTROV: Well… perhaps just one for the road. She hands him a glass and a piece of bread. She has anticipated this.

MARINA: You should never drink on an empty stomach.

ASTROV: Thank you, my dear. He downs the shot. Now, good luck, all. No need to show me out, Nanny. I know the way. Goodbye. He exits. Sonya follows.

Astrov’s carriage departs.

MARINA: He’s gone.

Waffles appears, begins to tune his guitar.

SONYA: (re-entering) He’s gone.

VANYA: (comparing the two stacks) I can’t seem to tell the difference between these…

SONYA: He’s gone.

VANYA: I can’t do this anymore. Sonya, I am spent. I can’t go on, there’s nothing left for me here.

SONYA: I know. But we have to go on living. You and I, Uncle Vanya, we must go on living. And working. We must live through long days, and even longer nights, whatever our fate demands. And when we have finished working, for other people, without a moment’s rest, then finally we will die. We will pass quietly, and then we will know peace. Because God knows that we have suffered, and wept, and endured pain. God will have pity on us, and then we will rest.

We will see a brand new life, shining, beautiful, elegant. We will be happy, and we will look back on the pain we feel right now and we will smile. Everything will be quiet, safe, and sweet. Like a gentle caress, from a mother or… a lover. Vanya has begun to cry. Don’t cry Uncle Vanya – I know how unhappy you’ve been, but please – hold out a little longer. We must work, and then we will rest. I know it. We will rest. We will rest!

Marina has begun to snore.

WAFFLES: Hush, child! Some of us are resting already.

Vanya spies something on the ground. It is the missing piece of the teacup. He inserts it into the cup. Then, he pours some tea. He examines the cup. It holds. He sips and smiles.

BLACKOUT