Topic: Some people think that older school children should learn a wide range of subjects to acquiremore knowledge, while other people believe they should learn a small number of subjects indetails. Discuss both views and give your opinions.

It is commonly considered by many that older students should be provided with a variety of subjects[CT1], while others believe that they should concentrate on a few subjects. The essay would analyze both opinions before drawing a logical conclusion.

On one hand, there are some certain grounds supporting the former idea. The main explanation would possibly be that children can explore the world in different aspects when they are given opportunities [CT2]to learn many different subjects. Specifically, history helps them have an insight into the past of their ancestors, while the arts make a contribution to their improvement in feelings and emotions[CT3]. Furthermore, this might allow children might to have various options related to when it comes to their[CT4] tertiary education or career. It is alleged that the vast majority of students do not know exactly which jobs they want to pursue, so learning about a broad range of subjects seems to help them know which fields they are interested in and make the right decisions for their future.

On the other hand, others advocate the latter idea for some reasons. Firstly, the students' concentration[CT5] on a small number of subjects assists them in preparing carefully for their future jobs,if provided that[CT6] they can decide which jobs they want to do. Obviously, to become a professional in their fields, the youth needs to acquire more expert knowledge, which takes much time and effort. Instead of learning different subjects that are not linked to the jobs [CT7]they desire/aim for, older children should focus on the subjects that are thought to be[CT8] helpful for them in the future. In addition, children seem to find it uninteresting to learn subjects which they are not excellent at, so learning these subjects [CT9]does not work effectively.[CT10]

In conclusion, I would restate [CT11]that older students should spend more time on the subjects which can potentially help them secure satisfying jobs rather than spending time equally on a wide range of subjects.

Task Achievement / 7.5 / Overall a very good and thoughtful response to the essay. Your ideas are well supported with good examples. I think you could emphasize your opinion much earlier, say in paragraph 1 or when you introduce paragraph 2.
Coherence & Cohesion / 7 / Your information is presented logically, with each of your paragraphs having a central idea. The logic of your essay is easy to understand and does not draw attention to itself. There are several places you could be more specific in your references. Still, great job!
Lexical Resource / 7 / Your vocabulary is sufficient for the task – there are several word choices that could be improve, but overall it’s quite precise. I suggest you try using more synonyms to showcase your language – for example you could try different ways to express ‘subjects’ – ‘topics’ ‘areas’ ‘fields of knowledge’ etc. Consult the sample essay on the various way this is done.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy / 7 / Your control of grammar is You use a variety of complex structures, and your sentences are frequently error-free.
OVERALL / 7 / Overall a very decent essay with good supporting ideas. Keep it up!

SAMPLE ESSAY

Here is a sample essay on a very similar topic.

Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about how much choice students should have with regard to what they can study at university. While some argue that it would be better for students to be forced into certain key subject areas, I believe that everyone should be able to study the course of their choice.

There are various reasons why people believe that universities should only offer subjects that will be useful in the future. They may assert that university courses like medicine, engineering and information technology are more likely to be beneficial than certain art degrees. From a personal perspective, it can be argued that these courses provide more job opportunities, career progression, better salaries, and therefore an improved quality of life for students who take them. On the societal level, by forcing people to choose particular university subjects, governments can ensure that any knowledge and skill gaps in the economy are covered. Finally, a focus on technology in higher education could lead to new inventions, economic growth, and greater future prosperity.

In spite of these arguments, I believe that university students should be free to choose their preferred areas of study. In my opinion, society will benefit more if our students are passionate about what they are learning. Besides, nobody can really predict which areas of knowledge will be most useful to society in the future, and it may be that employers begin to value creative thinking skills above practical or technical skills. If this were the case, perhaps we would need more students of art, history and philosophy than of science or technology.

In conclusion, although it might seem sensible for universities to focus only on the most useful subjects, I personally prefer the current system in which people have the right to study whatever they like.

[CT1]This sounds a bit strange. I recommend:

‘provided with an education that spans across a variety…’

[CT2]Suggestion => the opportunity

[CT3]Feelings & emotions are similar in meaning, so you could select one of them. Also, you could expand this more – What do you mean by improving feelings? Do you mean help them get in touch with their emotions? Understand their own feelings? Appreciate other people’s feelings? Etc.

[CT4]This is a suggestion to make it clearer that allowing them to study many things will help them when it’s the time to make a decision regarding…

[CT5]Suggestion for a more natural flow: ‘Firstly, having students concentrate on…will assist them…’

[CT6]‘Provided that’ is a better word choice here, it emphasize the conditional clause

[CT7]Could use a different word here to avoid repetition. Perhaps ‘occupation’ ‘career’ …?

[CT8]It’s better to emphasize the subject here. Who gets to decide the subjects that are helpful? Suggestion ‘older children should focus on the subjects that they think could be helpful…’

[CT9]Could find another way to express this to avoid repetiton. Perhaps ‘having these additional knowledge might not matter much in the end’

[CT10]It’s a bit unnatural-sounding. Maybe you should specify in what way it ‘doesn’t work’ eg. ‘forcing students to learn such a wide range of disciplines might not be effective’.

[CT11]Unfortunately you haven’t specified what your opinion before this, so it’s inaccurate to ‘restate’. I suggest adding one sentence at the top to show your opinion there first.