Tonsorial Turmoil!
Our faithful Gazette reporters bring you up-to-the-minute news about the clamor and coiffeury going on in Pontoon Beach’s premier Baptist church.
Pontoon Baptist Church has been forced to confront the truth that their new pastor has no discernible facial hair. Since hiring Pastor Steely in May, the church body has been quietly overlooking the fact that the man is beardless. But, as history has shown, such grim matters cannot be ignored forever.
Most unadvisedly, Pastor Steely showed his whisker-free face at the recent Annual Meeting of the Gateway Baptist Association, startling his colleagues. One pastor describes the event: “We became engaged with a deep theological matter, and all started scratching our beards. Then I looked over and saw Josh, scratching his bare chin. It was most embarrassing.”
Several delegates inquired of the GBA hierarch, Archbishop Tracy Jaggers. “If there’s not a rule against such bald-faced bald-facery,” they said, “there sure oughtta be!”
Archbishop Jaggers confirmed that there is indeed a statute which Pastor Steely is in violation from, quoting Article 7, Section 52, Subsection 3109.9802c of the GBA Ecclesiastical Statutes: All ministers serving in the GBA shall endeavor to maintain, by judicious barbery, a properly groomed beard, reminiscent of either Charles Spurgeon or Charles Finney (pictured), whichever floats their boat.
The PBC Privy Council has vowed to take action on this matter. They presented Pastor Steely with an ultimatum: either he produce sufficient natural facial hair within the next quarter, or a suitable fake beard will be purchased for him from the Pastoral Cosmetology fund. As of this report, the pastor’s response is still pending.
Huzzah, A Church Newsletter!
The Pontoon Gazette
Managing Editor: Horace S. Epworth, esq.1
Splitting Hairs
Church censures pastor for insufficient facial hair!
Charles Spurgeon, the model of proper pastoral beardedness.
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1Not a real name, good churchpeople.
from the
Pastor’s
Quill
At its very core, the church is a community; and it is meant to be a community living in definite contrast with the larger society. This ought to be evident in many ways: a different structure as Jesus Christ is absolute Lord, different priorities, different morals. One of the most fundamental differences that comes from the transforming work of the Holy Spirit in the Christian life is a change of orientation.
When we are lost in sin our orientation is inward. Self is #1 in our lives. In our society we show this by consumerism (trying to get happiness by buying things) and by the absurd proliferation of litigation (punishing people who wrong us by suing them so they will be hurt, our vanity appeased…and hopefully we will get rich).
How is the church supposed to look different? By the transforming work of the Holy Spirit we are to change, to unfold from our tight inward preoccupation and become outward-focused people. We are to be oriented towards God and one another.
Jesus was asked what commandment in God’s law was greatest, and he answered without hesitation. Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matt. 22:37-39).
Christians are to be transformed from an inward orientation focused on self to an outward orientation. This outward orientation is in the first place God-centered, from there centered on other people.
This makes for a very different society. Fulfillment is found in its true source – God – rather than in all the glitz and glamor of possessions or status or acclamation. When someone wrongs you the response is not revenge but forgiveness, the goal is not to see them suffer but reconciliation in a relationship of love.
Such is the counter-culture of the church, the people transformed by the Spirit. May we as a church grow ever more into such a community, as the Gospel unwinds us from ourselves and turns us to love for our Lord and one another.
A Two-Monthly Calendar, for Your Convenience
October-November 2016
Saturday, October 1st: 9:30 AM Gateway Baptist Association Annual Meeting
Sunday, October 2nd: Lord’s Supper; Church Council meeting
Wednesday, October 5th: Monthly Business Meeting
Saturday, October 8th: 8:00 AM Men’s Breakfast
Sunday, October 9th: 3:30 Pastor’s Ordination
Also, Leif Erikson Day—indulge your inner Viking!
Tuesday, October 11th: 6:30 PM S. School Teachers Mtg.
Thursday, October 13th: 2:00 PM Ladies’ Tea
Friday, October 28th: 6:00 PM Bonfire
Sunday, October 30th: Church Council meeting
Monday, October 31st: Reformation Day! (Also, Halloween)
Trunk or Treat?!
Saturday, November 5th: 8:00 AM Men’s Breakfast
Sunday, November 6th: Lord’s Supper
Daylight Saving Time Ends
Wednesday, November 9th: Monthly Business Meeting
Thursday, November 10th: 2:00 PM Ladies’ Tea
Thursday, November 24th: Thanksgiving Day
Sunday, November 27th: Church Council meeting