The Jerk at Work

Steve Gladis, PhD

Here’s a typical conversation I have with executives more often than I wish:

Executive: I have this guy who works for me. He’s smart, very smart. I mean Harvard and MIT. Did I tell you how smart this guy is? BUT unfortunately he’s turned off his team and his peers.

Me: How so?

Executive: He’s arrogant, can’t take criticism, blames everyone else if things go wrong, explodes if you correct him, puts people down, and is a micro manager.

Me: Acts like a jerk?

Executive: Yes!

This conversation has several minor variations; however, it always starts with praise and always ends with a BIG BUT! And what comes after the big BUT is generally the real issue bugging the complaining executive. This article will explore what I call “jerks” a kinder, gentler moniker than what Stanford Professor Bob Sutton calls them in his bestselling book, The No-Asshole Rule[1]

Sometimes also referred to as narcissists, such people can be charismatic and productive, but offensive and destructive as well.[2]When I use the term “jerk” in this article, you can also substitute the words narcissist or Suttton’smore colorful and descriptive term!”

This article, will describe: 1) How to spotjerks; 2) How jerks become jerks;and finally, 3) How to deal with jerks at work.

How to Spot Jerks

Actually, spotting jerks is relatively easy. I was having a conversation with a talent manager from a company. I lamented that at the behest of his CEO I had contacted the person in charge of leadership at the company. I mentioned how abrupt and rude I found her, but I never mentioned her name. I no sooner got the description out that he said, “Let me guess. Was it Mary (fictitious name)?

“Bingo,” I said.

Here’s how you spot jerks at work. Jerks are:

  1. Dismissive: If you offer new information, ideas or point of view, chances are better than eventhat jerks will respond, “I know that!” They have a strong need to appear to know everything, even when they really don’t. It’s part of their over reliance on “image.” They’re often so afraid of not knowing things or not looking “smart” that they fake what they know to appear smart.
  2. Defensive: Jerks don’t handle criticism well, no matter how couchedthe feedback. Managers of such jerks spend inordinate amounts of time working on crafting negative feedback because suchjerks take any criticism as a personal attack, not as constructive dialog. Suggesting a simple design modification comment can come off to jerks as, Boy, your design really sucks!Overreacting to such warped interpretations, jerks may show real flashes of anger and seek revenge of some sort—all in an effort to maintain their status.
  3. Blamers: What happens when jerks’ project goes south? You may have of already guessed it. They point fingers at everyone below them and around them They give themselves every excuse possible—the timing of a project, the unrealistic expectations, the sun, the wind direction, the barometric pressure! Jerks will blame it on anything they can muster; they’re masters at mustering excuses and laying blame.
  4. Projectors: They protect themselves by pointing out their own flaws in others. They point out another and say: Wow, there’s a REAL jerk. In my world of executive coaching, there’s a saying, “If you can spot it (easily) you GOT it!” It’s a latter day version of the kids retort…”takes one to know one.” By projecting their own flaws, it’s as if jerks don’t have it. It always amazes me when a big jerk calls an even bigger one a REAL Jerk!
  5. Kiss-ups: Like husbands and wives of cheating spouses, bosses are often the last to find out just how big a jerk really is to everyone else. Why is that? Jerks master the art of kissing ass up in a herculean effort to maintain their all-important image. When bosses finally hear—loud and clear—from peers and direct reports about jerks, they often say to me, “But he’s not like that at all to me or his clients—in fact his clients love him!”
  6. Judgmental: Jerks never like surprises. They’ll tell you that up front as managers. I DO NOT want any surprises. Why not? Because somehow a surprise—which life is full of—byits natural and messy nature—will somehow embarrass them by painting them as somehow imperfect. They have a pre-set picture of how the world, especially their world, should look. Appearance for them is a BIG deal. God forbid people would catch them with their pants down—metaphorically speaking, of course.
  7. Maladaptive: Jerks get hatched from a difficult youth. They may have beenbe deprived, abused, left emotionally bereft or had a number of traumatic circumstances that make them feel like they have to construct annoying defenses to protect themselves. Such defenses show up in adults as maladaptive (get in the way of healthy relationships) masks that they hide behind. Here are four maladaptive masks of jerks: The bully, the showoff, the addictive self-soother, and the entitled one.[3]

How Jerks Become Jerks

So, how do jerks become the jerks we’ve come to know and not love! First, 75% of jerks/narcissists are men[4] Really, it’s an amazing and subtle evolution that we ALL contribute to. What can make a difference between good employees and jerks? I would postulate that one huge factor is their mindset! According to Carol Dweck, famed Stanford psychologist, in her classic book, Mindset[5], it all boils down to whether you think of talent or intelligence as either a fixed ability or one capable of growth through effort and practice. Often it comes down to whether people seek validation or a challenge. Whether you look at people or teams at work, at school, in marriages or any relationships, understanding the difference between fixedvs. growth mindset is a veryimportant concept to understand.

Fixed Mindset people continuously try to prove themselves and support their self-image of success. This leads to trying to “look smart,” constantly building an image, and even putting others down to preserve our own standing. All encounters become either-or-matters of success or failure, looking smart or stupid, being accepted or rejected, or feeling like a winner or a loser. Such a fixed orientation makes people avoid risk, stop learning and experimenting, and becomedefensive, eventually leading them to fall behind and become less relevant—the very thing they are trying to avoid. Fixed mindsets want to constantly validate their status and act like superstars, afraid to simply be a team member. Dweck refers to the somebody-nobody syndrome: “If I win, I’ll be somebody; if I lose, I’ll be nobody (p. 105).

Growth Mindset people don’t believe that they’re stuck with the hand they were dealt. Rather, they believe that you get better with practice and that you can cultivate qualities through effort and persistence. This attitude creates a genuine thirst for knowledge, as opposed to being recognized as merely smart or intelligent. Growth mindsets will eschew looking smart in favor of truly learning and getting better. They stretch themselves, confront challenges, and take risks rather than play it safe, thus opening up new and exciting doors to walk through. Unlike fixed mindset folks, growth mindsets get their motivation from trying and learning. They see setbacks as wake-up calls and motivational.

Jerks/Narcissistsare likely a direct outgrowth of fixed mindsets, jerks/narcissists (self-lovers) focus on themselves, first and foremost, and are protective of their own image, ideas and status. They come in a variety of sizes and shapes. In his classic article, “Narcissistic Leaders: Incredible Pros, Inevitable Cons,” in the Harvard Business Review, psychoanalystMichael Maccoby explains both productive and non-productive narcissists. A couple of notes: First, narcissism is a continuum from healthy to, at the extreme, unhealthy.Thus, we all have a steak of narcissism (self-love) in us all. Otherwise, we would never survive. Second, when using the term narcissism, we’re not discussing the clinical condition, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), rather a more functional, but often difficult, personality found in a number of successful and unsuccessful leaders. Maccoby describes many famous highly functional narcissists: Gandhi, Napoleon, Franklin D. Roosevelt as well as Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, and Andy Grove. He notes that such folks may indeed become visionaries and can lead companies to anew future. Conversely, he notes that narcissists can also be insecure, distrustful, and intolerant of people who disagree with them—especially if it threatens their status or image. They can have amazing visions of the future and can lead organization in a time of crisis. At the same time, they can be extraordinarily sensitive to criticism and unable to trust people fully, which leads to undesirable outcomes like high turnover rates and dissatisfaction at work.

In her book, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, Wendy Behary explains that early childhood emotionally disruptive life experiences like abandonment, mistrust, abuse, emotional deprivation can cause such narcissists to construct an image or persona that covers up their basic insecurities. Thus, a young boy denied recognition from his parents might strive extraordinarily to get recognition through accomplishments, especially focused on public recognition. Or, a woman self-conscious of her beauty and self-image may become a workout fanatic to overcome her fears of becoming unattractive. The list goes on. Such folks protect this fictitious image and anyone who they perceive attacks itgets discounted, railed against or a target of smear or revenge.

How to Deal with Jerks at Work

Mistreatment and abuse in the workplace is commonplace and rampant. As an example of abuse, consider the following: 90% of nurses claim abuse by doctors; 27% of Michigan residents claim abuse at work, and at the Veterans Administration, 36% of employees complained of abuse by coworkers or managers. Moreover, 73% of witnesses of such bullying and mistreatment suffer stress themselves. The telltale hallmarks of teams and organizations led by jerks are fear, loathing, and retaliation. Not exactly a work culture conducive to productivity, as opposed to one that is “psychologically safe.” The total cost of increased absenteeism, lack of productivity and employee turnover is astronomical. For example, 25% of abused or bullied employees exit companies, and 20% of witnesses of bullying leave.[6].

Every organization is vulnerable to jerks. Sports teams are certainly no exception. In my opinion, former basketball coach Bobby Knight and football player Terrell Owens are examples of what jerks in sports look like. Amazing talent that gets trumped by bad behavior—such as whenfamed Ohio State Coach Woody Hayes punched a Clemson linebacker in the 1978 Gator Bowl. I like Google’s cardinal rule: “Don’t be evil.” I have noted that there are temporary as well as certified jerks. Temporary jerks recognize when they’ve done wrong, correct it, and apologize. Certified jerks either seem to revel in or are oblivious to the effect of their behaviors. Thus, the Bob Sutton suggests a “no-asshole rule” and a no-jerk [my translation] hiring policy. He uses IDEO as a model of good anti-jerk policy: Using 360 interviews, keeping jerks off of the hiring panel, and moving jerks out of the organization ASAP[7].

According to Sutton, we need to teach people how to fight: In no-jerk workplaces, companies teach their folks how to fight fairly.

  1. Called “constructive confrontation” at Intel, people are taught how to fight back rather than simply accepting abuse from loudmouth jerks. Sutton instructs that we should focus on gathering data, listening to others, and even when we disagree, committing to find agreement.
  2. Intel’s doctrine: “The only thing worse than too much confrontation is no confrontation at all.” Destructive confrontation is emotional, personal and relationship focused. Constructive confrontation focuses on the issue, even the argument’s logic but never the person or her/his character.
  3. Here’s some great advice from U. of Michigan professor Karl Weik: “Fight as if you’re right; listen as if you are wrong.”
  4. In The Agile Leader[8],I developed a model for fighting back…how to have a “Tough Talk” and even included a Tough Talk Rap[9]! We encourage people to name it (identify the problem in a sentence or two); frame it (give a recent concrete example); game it (discuss your own contribution to the problem); same it (show how the other person has contributed); retain it (ask them to comment); but never blame it (avoid one-sided finger pointing).

In her book, Wendy Behary offers a number of tactics when dealing with such folks. She offers as a baseline for communications the notion of FORCE: Flexibility (not ridged); Open (not closed); Receptive (not closed); Competent (not insecure); Enlightened (not judgmental). Behary suggests that when dealing with the tough personality, we can offer the jerk/narcissist (often a psychologically wounded person) seven gifts through artful communication.

  1. Mutual Respect offers the gift of generosity. This involves differences of opinion without negative labeling and becoming defensive. For example, “I understand your opinion, and I want to offer an alternative…”
  2. Self Disclosure offers the gift of courage.Instead of reacting defensively to a snarling mate or co-worker, describe the effect that their behavior is having on you. “I realize you’re not happy, and you need to know how sad and fearful your yelling makes me feel. When that happens, I don’t want to be in the same room with you.”
  3. Discernment is the gift of truth—distinguishing between “here and now and there and then.” Identify what’s going on when someone you know well acts out. For example, say your boss or coworker berates you for being late. You might say: “I know you hate being late—you come from such a strong disciplined, military background, and I respect that. I also need you to know how important it is for me to be dressed properly for the meeting.”
  4. Collaboration is the gift of shared effort—the “we” in a relationship. When things erupt with a jerk/narcissist, you can acknowledge the situation using a “we” mindset and not blaming, which only infuriates the other person. “It looks like we got off to a bad start. Can we restart this conversation? Or, we obviously disagree. Can we start to look at areas where we can agree?”
  5. Anticipating Clashes is the gift of foresight. Through the years, you learn and can anticipate how certain people will respond in a given situation. For example, if your wife always cancels on gatherings with your friends. You might say, “I know you’re busy at work, and my friends may not be your priority. They are for me. I want you to think about how we can support each other. What do you think?”
  6. Apology is the gift of responsibility and about compassion for the other person, not redemption for the you. Let’s say your gregarious colleague at work hates to do anything alone, butyou purposefully took a day off to teach her a lesson. You might apologize: “I’ m privileged to know you hate to work alone without a sounding board on important projects, and I took off the day without letting you. I’m sorry and will work on that in the future.”
  7. Reflective Listening is the gift of balance. When we mirror the communication of the other person’s emotions (put ourselves in their shoes) we listen empathically. Perhaps your boss is on a rant at how a junior associate made him look bad before the board of directors. “You’re a perfectionist, and Jack is pretty new to the team and inexperienced—maybe a perfect storm—for disaster. Maybe you could reconsider taking any action before taking a day or two to consider these factors.”

Jerk as Boss

What about when the jerk is your boss—not at all a novelty! Well known for their extensive studies, Gallup has studied the effect of bosses on their direct reports and the findings aren’t always pretty: an immediate boss has greater impact than the reputation of the company, 24% of people would fire their boss. People leave bosses not jobs[10].

Remember jerk/narcissistic bosses are all about themselves. They’ve built an elaborate fortress around their image and will not tolerate anyone trying to poke holes in it. So, proceed with caution when approaching a narcissistic boss. First off, there are productive jerk/narcissistic bosses. Here is a constellation of potential identifiers of a productive narcissist bosses: They are visionary, charismatic, persuasive, articulate, and revolutionary. Nonetheless they can be difficult to work for, despite their incredible potential benefit to an organization.

Unproductive narcissistic bosses appear self-protective, difficult to get close to, distrustful, grandiose, have a lack of empathy, are hyper-sensitive to criticism, and can be vengeful. So when dealing with these particularly difficult types—unproductive narcissist boss, try the following tactics recommended by Michael Maccoby in his article[11]:

  1. Empathize but don’t expect empathy. Narcissistic bosses will protect their image at all costs. Praise them but don’t expect them to give you a lot of praise. Remember, in their mind, it’s all about them. If you do give them feedback, be careful to direct it toward how they can improve their (all important to them) image. Direct, honest feedback can threaten them and make them even vengeful.
  2. Suggest ideas as theirs. Listen to them and weave any of your new ideas into his framework. In essence, if they believe they came up with the idea, you’re better off getting them to accept it.
  3. Protect your time. Narcissistic bosses will give you much more work than you can complete. Develop a strategy to handle the most important things, otherwise they can overwhelm you.

Exit: A final recommendation that you might seriously consider when you discover that you’re working for a giant jerk is transferring internally in the company or getting a new job. As harsh as that sounds, it’s often the easiest way to solve the problem. Jerks are masters at self-preservation, at the expense of anyone else—especially you if you get in their way.