The Eridge Tour 2015 - The Nickname Tour
Cast list
Tom Cary aka Gator aka The Walker
Tony Chapman aka TC
Alan Ellis aka Old Man 2
David Ellis aka Rodders aka LSD
Dominic Fawls aka DomDom aka VomVom aka The Moonwalker aka The Sleeper
Luke Forbes aka Craig aka Frank The Tank aka Sarah
Paul Fowling aka Beefy aka Wheezy
Ashley Goldsmith aka Fish, aka (c)unty gash aka Mantis
Di Harris
Ed Harris
Tom Parminter aka Minty aka Minge
Jake Pooley aka Pooj aka Duckman
Mick Pooley aka Poo
Andy Skovborg-Hansen aka Hanz aka Ze German aka Andrew aka Skov
Mark Utting aka Mutting aka Sticky
Joe Wigmore aka Kimmy aka Wiggers
THURSDAY
The Tour of 2015 started (as has now become tradition) on Thursday night with Skov arriving in Tunbridge Wells a mere hour before anyone else had finished work. He contented himself with a couple of chilled out beers in the Bedford waiting for Rodders, who arrived in full work attire at 5:31. The Fish joined the pair for a Thai and then the trio made their way to the Pantiles where they were concerned that the capacity crowd might stop them from finding Tour-dodger Sarah Harris. Luckily she turned up sporting a day-glo pink number so she was easily picked out and soon Minty and Kimmy were on board for a few liveners, along with Dave Thompson who kept banging on about his injured knee and the AC/DC concert which ruled him out of Tour contention.
Kimmy was a late tour addition after Chairman Mike Brown senior dug out another half-baked excuse to pull out at the 11th hour.
The sober Fish decided that 10:30 was plenty late enough, but after Kimmy and Minty mentioned heading to the Pitcher, Harris/LSD and Hanz immediately followed suit - literally in Dave's case! There were a few sore heads as a result at the Friday morning meeting point: Eridge Park.
FRIDAY
An impressive squad of 16 people, 14 cricket bags, 16 overnight bags, 2 oversize tennis balls and an inflatable pool volleyball net assembled at the Pavilion for the long haul down to Portsmouth. Rodders and Hanz planned to join Old Man 2 in his bus, but he refused their advances - again proving that he would rather have 2 hours of Radio 2 than spend any unnecessary time with his over-excited son.
The Prime seats (at the back) were taken by the regular tour alcoholics Poo, Mutting, Hanz and Rodders and the beers were soon opened and knocked back - even before Poo had time to criticise track 2 of DomDom's Tour CD 1 of 4!
We arrived at Arundel at about 10 but to Poo's dismay, we were forced to park a good 45 second walk from Partners cafe. Breakfasts were all demolished and the mandatory pints in The Swan (opposite Partners) were taken on board - except for Ze German who polished off a particularly feminine glass of Pimms.
Back on the bus, Ed had taken over as DJ (not to the knowledge of most) and put on a CD full of organ music which left everyone questioning Dom's musical flavours despite not being to blame for the obscure racket!
The ferry port was reached in good time, so with time to kill, Captain Forbes pulled out a tennis ball and The Fish, LSD, Pooj and Cary took part in some highly skilled head-tennis. The game was going well until some Scottish prick in a BMW took offence to the game taking place within 30 yards of his car - worried that the feather light ball would cause irreparable damage to his motor. He informed Fish that "Thus izzernee a futbul putch" and that was that!
The ferry was boarded shortly after and we all sat out on top deck and enjoyed the sun and for some people (DomDom/The Sleeper) it was time to catch a quick 40-winks!

The Eridge squad on the ferry across to Ryde:

Within half an hour, in a bid to not break the tradition of doing exactly the same routine every single year, we pulled up at The Sloop for a light lunch and more sunshine in the beer garden. Hanz and Fish abandoned plans for a game of giant connect 4 when it was discovered that there were only 3 discs of each colour available - there must've been a fair few 0-0 draws there!
The Food gradually arrived except for anyone who had ordered one of 5 meals on the menu which you obviously had to go in and pick up yourself! The ratio of bread to filling was seen as questionably high, but nonetheless everyone was now adequately stuffed to head to Arreton where the tea is traditionally light - this year it seemed to have floated away completely
The team for the match had already been decided with Old Man 2 and The Fish missing out - Goldsmith's 5 for 20 against Mayfield clearly not being quite enough to edge out the likes of Cary and Wigmore on Arreton's plastic pitch.
Pre-match warm-ups were in full flow and Ed Harris joined in by kicking the oversize tennis ball about - luckily for him hardly anyone noticed when he fell over whilst attempting some keep-ups!
Arreton had about 5 players present at kick off time so captain Utting inserted them and agreed a game of 30 overs. Pooj opened the bowing with DomDom donning the gauntlets. Unsworth and Bailey showed immediate attacking intent which kept tour statto Mantis busy on his app.
Pooj picked up the first wicket by bowling Unsworth but he and Hanz were both going at 7 an over and it was obvious that Arreton were much stronger than in previous years. With Bailey notching a 50 and Harrington going nicely, on came Frank the Tank for a bowl and he cleaned up both - Bailey thanks to a good catch by Kimmy Wigmore and Harrington clean bowled. C McGuiness became his third victim when he edged to a diving Cary at gully.
On came Beefy and he picked up a wicket thanks to a catch on the fence by LSD. Poo was on at the other end for a rare trundle and his economical spell was capped by claiming the wicket of Keller thanks to a catch from Frank.
Kimmy Wigmore threw a few overs down as Arreton pushed the accelerator but Mutting and the returning Tank put the brakes on to restrict them to 196.
The asking rate was about 6.5 so pinch-hitter Minty and pinch-blocker Beefy went out to open the reply. Mantis was worried that the worm on his app had died as the run rate hovered at around 1.5 for the first few overs. Beefy's vigil ended at 2 when some chap who had turned up to watch wearing shorts caught him out at slip after finding his side were down to 10 - he promptly buggered off a few minutes later!
The Walker came out to join Minty and immediately the run rate improved as Minty found the fence and "Shivnarine" Cary dusted off his favourite leg side dab on numerous occasions. Minty fell caught behind to bring Rodders to the wicket and he was greeted by some more suicidal calls for a single by Cary who seemed to have luck on his side as shy after shy narrowly missed the stumps with batsmen not being in the same post code let alone frame!
Both batsmen fell to leave Eridge 87/4 and the game in the balance but DomDom and The Tank found some momentum, with The Moonwalker (so called for his keeping technique!) striking a violent 36 from 21 balls with the point boundary peppered - before being caught out by sub fielder EllisD who celebrated like he'd won the World Cup!
The rate was now manageable and Poo got a quick 16 before being run out, leaving Mutting to hit the winning runs - after being dropped on the fence early on.
Forbes finished unbeaten on 45 from 36 balls to add to his 4 wickets to take the man of the match award - and the nickname Frank the Tank!
There was time for a quick one in the Dairyman's Daughter (which always sounds like a euphemism) - where Poo realised that he'd left his glasses in the changing rooms. "Were they hanging up near the door? With string attached to both arms? Black rims?" Asked DomDom..."Yeah that's them, did you pick them up?"...."No". "Cheers Dom!". Luckily Arreton's skipper had them in his car.
A quick look at the watch revealed that it was well beyond high time to head to Shanklin for Jill the hotelier and "Daaaaaaaaaaave" to have a quick reunion, before a run up the hill to the Purple Mango. En route to the hotel, Beefy took a screenshot of his impressive innings to print out later on.
Rooms were allocated efficiently and after a quick shower, everyone headed for the curry house with the exception of The Moonwalker who presumably had a quick kip before heading out to find everyone had already left. When Goldfish went back to find him, he was hovering around the Falcon pub - having taken a minor wrong turn!
Bangladesh's biggest cricket fan was on duty and he took time out from his duties to tell us how they were robbed by India at the World Cup and how they were going to take SA apart the next day (they were bowled out for 96 by the Saffers as it turned out!).
With time ticking around towards midnight and stomachs rumbling, The Mantis ordered a few sides of onion bhaji which in truth were never going to be eaten but it did give "Gator" Cary the ammunition for his first verbal assault on Goldsmith that evening. "Any bhajis left Ash?" Came the chirp roughly every 5 minutes until 2am!
It was so late by the time the food was eaten that even the Island's scummiest bar (The Townhouse) had shut up shop for the night...so it was bed time.

Match action from the Arreton game – Wigmore bowling:

Poo bowling at Arreton

SATURDAY
Saturday started with the 8:30am roll call at breakfast with everyone seemingly surviving the night successfully. It had been touch and go for Mantis and Gator who made the mistake of sampling the lumpy UHT milk in their pre-breakfast tea.
Rodders started the day as he was to go on by knocking a jug of milk all over his table. Soon enough Cruella deVil was over to take orders and Luke decided to give the scrambled eggs one more try, with Gator and LSD going for the kippers which turned up a mere 35 minutes later!
Excitement levels were then at fever pitch when the inflatable volleyball net was unveiled and immediately deemed way too small for the deceptively wide (on Google Earth anyway!) pool. Nonetheless, 10 brave soldiers jumped into the pool for a game of 5 a side which turned into a 3 set epic. Goldsmith's extendo-arms earned him the nickname of the Praying Mantis, whilst Kim Jong-Il (Wigmore) proved to be a weak link - and this resulted in him being dropped from all other games in the pool. Poo's side won the match - but that was never in doubt given his own special scoring system!
On returning to his room, LSD thought he had lost his keys and had to summon Jill for help - only for the keys to turn up in his pocket!
At 11:30 the bus to Porchfield was set to roll, but suddenly everyone realised that DomDom had not been spotted since breakfast. He turned up, making up some story about having been for a wander but in reality he had banked another few hour’s kip. On the bus, Dave's fine morning continued when he realised he had left his cricket shoes in the room - luckily for him, hero Hanz had picked them up for him. Gator FM was in full flow and his zoomed in shot of Ash's bald spot led to comparisons with apes from Gibraltar!
We rolled into Porchfield for lunch at the normal Sportsman's Rest...however it looked like that particular Sportsman is now Resting in Peace, therefore we relied on Mutting's 4G to navigate to an alternative much better pub a couple of miles down the road. Again sandwiches which were 95% bread and 5% filling were dished up and a couple of pre-match ales were taken on board to boost performance.
Off to Porchfield then and on arrival they told us that they were short today...so Beefy Fowling fitted in nicely in their XI. Goldsmith's pool volleyball performance had just tipped the balance his way as he forced his way back into the Eridge side.
Eridge batted first and Poo and Mantis got them off to a roaring start until Fish yorked himself, attacking a full one from Pat Morris. The 7 an over run rate was obviously not deemed quick enough as Hanz wandered out and smashed a few more boundaries before falling lbw. Kimmy Wigmore replaced him but he had a horrible mow at his first ball and was back in the pavilion within 30 seconds!
Sticky Utting joined Poo and the runs kept coming with Poo retiring after notching a brilliant century. Gator came out to join Stick and the pair milked the bowling with relative ease - Mutting struggling to raise enough enthusiasm to bother running for anything more than a single!
Suddenly after a couple of sprints down to third man to catch the captain's eye, Beefy Fowling was brought into the action. He immediately deceived Shiv Cary and after having a strong lbw turned down, he then found Cary's leading edge next ball as the ball landed in space. "C'mon he's my bunny" came the chat from Wheezy under his breath as he continued to try to snap up the wicket of Gator but eventually Morris returned to clean him up lbw.
Duckman Pooj became Beefy's first victim as he aimed a slog at a full one and was bowled. DomDom only had a couple of overs to notch 6* as Mutting was bowled by Morris for 36 as Eridge declared on 229.
The normal luxurious Porchfield tea was enjoyed by all with Goldsmith losing count of how many cakes he had eaten. It was back to business soon after though as Eridge took to the field with EllisD and Parminter disappearing for 26 in the first 2 overs! Thoughts of their target being susceptible were soon erased as a long hop from Minty was snaffled by Gator at mid-wicket who insisted the ball went straight into his hands and definitely wasn't just wedged in his gut!
Rodders then got the other opener to snick behind and then he claimed a caught and bowled as well. A lot was going to rest on Pat Morris but he played an uncharacteristic slash at another short one from Minty and he dragged the ball onto his stumps.
With early inroads made, Mantis was called into the attack and he picked up a wicket first ball as a chipped catch was taken by The Sleeper Fawls at mid-on. He soon accounted for Pittman thanks to a good catch from Frank the Tank and then had Capon caught at slip by Mutting.
Thus far it had been a cakewalk for Eridge but at 56 for 6 the familiar diminutive figure of Wheezy came out for battle. Suddenly Goldsmith's threat was blunted and skipper Frank had to turn to DomDom and Pooj to try to claim top he prized scalp. But Beefy was middling everything and he even found the fence when given a bit of width.
Sadly for him, the wickets kept falling at the other end when Captain Frank brought himself on and Porchfield were all out for 93 with Beef stranded on 7*.
Everyone got showered and changed quickly in the hope that the Porchfield barbecue might click into gear but sadly it never did - meaning that a cheeseburger and chips from Chubbys with optional vinegar/disinfectant was likely to be the only sustenance for the 9 brave soldiers headed for Newport that evening.
On the bus home, Mantis' idea of ensuring everyone had at least 5 nicknames backfired badly when he assumed the lovely moniker of "C*nty gash"! Sticky also told of his plan to release an app called "Rate my mate" with an in-app upgrade available for the more sinister "Rape my mate". The beer had indeed started to take its toll!
LSD demanded Hawaiian shirts for all and a 15 minute turnaround back at the hotel. The Sleeper was denied his normal nap by C*nty knocking on his door with a spare blue Hawaiian number. Gator, C*nty, LSD, Hanz, DomDom, Minty and Kimmy all had splendid shirts on but Duckman decided that wearing "going out shoes" was enough of an effort and he looked frankly stupid in a grey t-shirt. Talking of Frank, he arrived at the Village Inn about 20 minutes after everyone else. They had heard that Minty was lending him a shirt for the evening - what they didn't know was that it would be an XXL and that it was held together by one working button and a couple of staples which hotelier Jill had inserted to maintain what little dignity Frank had left. The moment Luke turned up was by far the funniest thing that happened on a very funny weekend. Poo and Mutting joined the other 8 in laughing until they cried and as the shorts and the shots kept coming, so did the uncontrollable laughter.