What behaviour patterns are you drawn to when faced with challenge?
Understanding a very common problem - Research evidence
The Drama Triangle (Karpman 1968) is a model for understanding a recurrent pattern of unsatisfactory interactions between people. There are three positions to move between: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. We (because we can all do this) unconsciously get stuck in this pattern when we feel powerless and bad about ourselves. We believe we can only feel good and powerful if we can compare ourselves favourably with another (Victim) and either patronise (Rescue) or oppress (Persecute) them. Alternatively, we can tell ourselves that we are, helpless, hopeless Victims and that it is others’ responsibility to make us feel better. Because we are actually denying responsibility for addressing our own basic bad feelings, any good feelings are hollow and short-lived.
Persecutor Rescuer
The Drama Triangle
Victim
Your evidence
You might want to keep a log of the positions you take when you are faced with challenges. The descriptions of each role (overleaf) should help you to do this.
Situation (nature of the challenge) / Role taken (victim, rescuer, persecutor ) / Role taken by a key colleague / Consequences of taking these rolesUnderstanding how to tackle this - Next Steps
Choy (1990) described the Winners Triangle as a more positive model that recognises both the autonomy of the individual and the essentially social nature of human beings (see overleaf for further details). The key to moving out of stuck patterns of behaviour is remembering that one always has and does exercise choice. Having collected evidence about the kind of roles that you take in the drama triangle you could think about some actions that you could take to move into one of the more positive roles in the ‘Winner’s Triangle’. A coaching session with a colleague would be an ideal opportunity to explore your strategies. The questions on page 3 could help you do this.
Powerful
Assertive
The Winner’s Triangle
Description of the roles in the drama triangle
The Victim
The Victim realises accurately that they are suffering but inaccurately denies or discounts the resources they have, however limited, to help themselves and also their ability to think and feel at the same time. They may also sabotage their own best efforts in order to stay stuck in this position rather than risk change and the responsibility for making mistakes.For Example they may:
- Continue to live or work in an abusive situation.
- Be too ‘scared’ to confront someone who is overbearing or abusive.
- Maintain that one cannot be happy until a key other person changes their behaviour.
- (Add your own!) ………………………………………………………………………………….
Key Expressions:
Its not fair!:Its not my fault!: Why does this always happen to me?: Nobody understands/likes me: You should/ought to/must (Add your own) ….…………………………………………………………………………………..
Key Feelings:
Helpless, hopeless, self-pity, self disgust, resentful, jealous (Add your own) ………………………………………
The Rescuer
A Rescuer genuinely cares about another in difficulty (a victim) but discounts their ability to solve their own problem. They also deny, discount or sacrifice their own needs and do more than their fair share of helping. This inevitably leads them to feeling tired, irritable and undervalued, as others tend to feel patronised or humiliated and become increasingly ungrateful for their efforts. Rescuers also tend to seek out Victims to support their need to feel powerful, acceptable, needed and/or valuable.
Examples:
- Doing someone-else’s work for them because it will be quicker/better/less hassle.
- Jeopardising one’s own work schedule by extending deadlines for others
- Ignoring one’s own need for refreshment/rest to avoid being seen as less committed
- ‘Selflessly’ doing something unpleasant for someone-else to let them off the hook.
- (Add your own) ……………………………………………………………………………………………………...
Key Phrases:
I was only trying to help/do my duty: We mustn’t be selfish: I shall feel guilty if I don’t:
Its alright, I’ll do it…! Where would you be without me?(Add your own) …………………………………………
Key feelings:
Self-righteous, superior, resentful, guilty, tired, overburdened, a Martyr, (Add your own)……………..
The Persecutor
Persecutors want to satisfy their needs, stand up for themselves and act in their own interest. Unfortunately, they misperceive their own power as inadequate and fear being overpowered by others. Unable to deal with their own feelings of fear, anger and frustration, they overcompensate by exerting power over others by active, retaliatory or passive means by, for example:
- Bullying.
- Taking things from others without their permission.
- Being verbally/physically abusive: condescending, contemptuous, making malicious ‘jokes’.
- Justifying aggressive behaviour towards another as appropriate punishment or justice.
- Sabotaging another’s work and complaining about their responsibility for the consequences.
- (Add your own) ……………………………………………………………………………………………………
Key phrases:
So what – who cares?: You are so stupid/clumsy/careless: You asked for it: It’s all your fault: If it weren’t for you…: Look what you made me do: Stop nagging: ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Key feelings:
Anger/fear, resentment, contempt, superior, justified, self-righteous……..………………………………….
It is important to remember that Persecutors may turn their anger against themselves rather than others, particularly if expressing anger is likely to lead to rejection by the person to whom it is directed. Regularly getting drunk and other self-harming behaviours, obsessive-compulsive behaviours and some depressions may be examples of retroflected anger and self-persecution.
Description of roles in the winner’s triangle
The Vulnerable Person
This role recognises that because one is Vulnerable does not mean that one is necessarily a Victim, powerless and incapable of doing something to help oneself. Instead, vulnerable people can and do ask for the help, support and the resources they need to get themselves out of the current difficulty. Vulnerable people do not perceive themselves to be of less worth than others and they recognise another’s right to refuse to help without taking it personally or inducing guilt; they simply ask someone-else. Problem-solving skills are important for self-help.
The Caring or Response-able Person
The caring person is able to offer help without discounting or diminishing the vulnerable person’s ability to think about, ask for help with, and contribute to the solutions to their own problem. They also recognise and respond to their own needs and feelings. They limit or refuse to help if they don’t want to be involved in a particular capacity or at a particular time. They can refuse to help respectfully without making excuses, justifying their choice, or feeling guilty. The skills of listening to others and to oneself; monitoring and respecting one’s own feelings and energy levels; choosing how one wants to respond and saying ‘No’ clearly and compassionately are all important.
The Assertive or Power-full Person
The person who is confident in their right and ability to speak out and act assertively to get their needs met or to defend their beliefs does not need to Persecute. They can own feelings of anger and frustration rather than act them out. They do not need to use their energy to discount or subvert another’s power; rather they choose to respect differences and empower others. Key skills involve: owning negative feelings and negotiating ways forward; asking clearly for what one wants; saying ’No’ to what is not wanted; giving clear feedback about what is perceived as problematic behaviour; and being creative if another person refuses to co-operate.
Moving From Drama Triangle to Winner’s Triangle
Below are a number of questions that can help raise awareness of how you get hooked into the Drama Triangle and how you can learn to get out and avoid it.
How do I get hooked into Rescuing?
What are my thoughts/ feelings/ needs/ patterns …….
What do I perceive others to be saying/looking/doing/expecting ….
How do I most frequently Rescue others?
How do I Rescue myself?
Because I don’t Rescue all the time…
What do I already know about my ability to avoid Rescuing?
What do I need to learn and get better at doing, to develop this?
Who can help me practise this?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
How do I get hooked into being a Victim?
What are my thoughts/ feelings/ needs/ stories …….
What do I perceive others to be saying/looking/doing/expecting ….
How do I make a Victim of myself?
How do I collude with others being Victims?
Because I don’t behave like a Victim all the time…
What do I already know about my ability to avoid being a Victim?
What do I need to learn/get better at doing, to develop this?
Who can help me practise this?
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
How do I get hooked into Persecuting?
What are my thoughts/ feelings/ needs/ stories …….
What do I perceive others to be saying/looking/doing/expecting ….
How do I Persecute others?
How do I Persecute myself?
Because I don’t behave like a persecutor all the time….
What do I already know about my ability to avoid Persecuting?
What do I need to learn/get better at doing, to develop this?
Who can help me practise this?
This taster is based on the work of Carol Shillito-Clarke July 2004
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